Saturday, October 08, 2005

Reznor's Birthday... just another victim

The Butterfly Tales..

Reznor a goner..

Reznor and my toy for the nite.

After a week of staleness, I finally got something to write on. I am now in possession of blackmail pictures of Reznor, but it was his birthday and we're all allowed to be unglamourously drunk on our birthdays.

After a busy day, I’m now officially in the ranks of Oprah, David and Jay in terms of hosting prowess. I do not talk to people who have not hosted even a birthday party. We are in different leagues. Sorry, private joke here for LB and Reznor and those who know what happened. I’m now Super. We are the Supers.

Being the spoilt brat that Reznor is, meant that he got to have a party way after his actual birthday had passed. No one was complaining. We seriously needed a reason to party. This was not a fishing trip, with the gender demographics split down the middle. The Body was there, Gerrie, Cindy, Winnie, Huixx and Jules, and Blaque joined us past midnight.

The place was crowded with Caucasians, and I think there was a school prom. Everyone was so young, I thought MTV was filming an episode of ‘My Super Sweet 16’. I have to bring this up; O Bar has an absolutely dumb entry system because Dbl O and O Bar both charges $20 for cover but entry from O Bar does not include Dbl O, while the Dbl O entry gives access to O Bar.

Obviously, my bitterness here is pronounced because we entered through O Bar, only to realize we shld have gone through Dbl O instead. The unsympathetic waitress refused to give us a refund. Heartlessness is a hiring criterion here.

Anyways, back to the story proper. I have ZERO fishing interest tonight, save for the fact that I,
a) Do not like White pussies
b) Am shorter than half the white women in the bar who're probably a basketball team on holiday
c) Do not date people who can out slang me

The simplest reason is that, WE, have the Best Looking Group in the club, period. Everyone of the gals with us are by far hotter than the general crowd, but since we do not fish within our groups (usually so), we're contented to be the eye of envy.

I had a new toy for the night. A breathalyzer courtesy of Round Eyes. It wasn’t the kind that gave you your BAC reading but it just showed the range you were in. We aim for the amber zone which I believe is 0.15 to 0.35mg. I don’t know how much that was, but I reckoned I’d still be able to pee standing. We got two jugs of whiskey dry. I skulled half a jug and blew; green. Fuck.

11.19pm: The first jug finishes. I blow. Amber. I become the first in the group to hit amber. I now do not talk to people in the green zone. I am the man.
11.36pm: LB is complaining that the breathalyzer sucks. He drinks more and blows. Green. He sucks.
11.39pm: The second jug empties. We get a jug of vodka Ribena. LB blows an amber. He joins the cool gang. Reznor still blows a green. He is an amateur.

The Body came by with three of her friends, one of which distinctly stood out from the othes. He had successfully integrated 3 cultures into one. He was the walking epitome of cultural harmony. He had a couple of piercings, one on his lower lip, which was pretty grunge. He had the typical Ah Beng centre parted hairstyle. I saw the effort in making the transition, most former bengs are now fringe grunge/hip hoppers/rockers. Versatility is in the blood of all Chinese. And he had the pot belly of Homer. With his white 'oh so tight, get me one size smaller' shirt, he reminded me so much of Homer Simpson. I shall call him Homer.

Unfortunately, Homer is a pretty nice guy, which meant that I had to practice some degree of civility. He bought a round of tequila shots and Reznor bought him back a jug citing some rubbish about ‘paiseh’. People, the dynamics of gratitude and thanks in a club is such that we should not be obligated to return the favour, especially not with drinks.

12.09am: I announce to TheBody she has to be in the amber zone by 1am.
12.12am: The people around me are checking my toy out because they see me blowing into it. They find it hard to believe that it’s a breathalyzer. I actually think they don’t know what a breathalyzer is. This guy actually asks me if he can try, I tell him it’s spoilt. I do not share toys with random strangers with dicks. I allow only the females to try.
12.24am: Reznor is still blowing green. Maybe it’s my breathalyzer. I blow. Amber. Right, Reznor is a wuss.
12.46am: I want to buy Reznor a waterfall. The waiter tells me its $35, I say 'for ten?'. Com'on.. $35 bucks for sucking on fire? I buy Reznor a flaming lambo instead because its much cheaper at $25, and it turns out to be in pairs. I call Gerrie down to help me out.
12.47am: Reznor downs his lambo. Gerrie is nowhere in sight. The impatient waitress starts to light my lambo.
12.48am: I am left to fend for myself. I drink the MILDEST tasting lambo in my life! The shit has no kick. Gerrie appears and she tells me she just had a flaming lambo too. I tell her to blow. She blows a green. Too many Pinocchio's here tonight. I tell her she has to hit amber by 1.30.

12.55am: We get more jugs. I explain the rules to Cindy and Winnie. EVERYONE has to blow an amber!
12.56am: Reznor blows a green again. The boy has small lungs. I specifically say, "Blow long and hard." He gives me his longest attempt of 4 secs. People reading out of context here probably think we're having some mass blowjob orgy.
12.58am: The Body's time is running short. She starts knocking back the beers and whiskey with serious vengeance.
12.59am: She blows.. keeps blowing.. and its.. Amber! One more in the group

1.08am: I tell Cindy and Winnie they have to be in amber too. They're game for it.
1.16am: Cindy blows an amber. I tell her I'm aiming for red. She's game for it.
1.18am: Winnie joins the elusive amber club.
1.26am: Gerrie makes amber. I get Blaque to join the club but knowing his history, I’ll say amber is too dangerous a target. Huixx and Jules arrived fashionably late, but it’s always good with them around. We started taking pictures. Everyone is a photo slut.

Suddenly, I saw Reznor grabbing someone and shouting at him. Apparently, that muthafucker tried to get fresh with Winnie, kissed her twice and from what I heard, 'molested' her. The degree of severity was unknown to me. I couldn’t make out if Reznor was talking to him cordially or trying to pick a fight, but Jules caught wind of what happened and he went over to the asshole.

Okay, Jules was the kind that would make you shit in your pants and have you eat out of it just by starring. He's the last person you want to get into trouble with. The guy was just standing there, might have pissed his pants, his friends were staying out of this and none of them wanted trouble.

The bouncer eventually pulled the guy out of the club. Apparently, Winnie was just being dramatic about the whole debacle, she just wanted the guy out of the club and blew his advances to her entirely out of proportion. Either way, she was back to drinking so I don’t really care.

I told Jules about the drinking game, which now had a convenient slogan, 'blow a green, buy a drink'. Jules blew green, and got a jug sportingly. I blew again to show him how really men drink and blow a Green! But I just blew amber! This breathalyzer totally blows...

Reznor was a goner. He was muttering absolute rubbish which was just perfect entertainment. He was going on about drinking petrol and that he wanted to drink V power. Huixx told me that Blaque was comparing biceps with Jules and she set me up for an arm wrestling match with him. I've almost never been beaten in arm wrestling, but Jules was way above my weight class and his arms were huge. In my amber blowing state, I agreed to it and it climaxed to a draw.

Reznor was still mumbling rubbish. I gulped down a glass of whiskey and blew. Still amber. This was bullshit, I’ve probably had enough to pee kerosene. Reznor was still going on about drinking V Power. I can’t really remember the other crap he was randomly spewing out from his still green blowing mouth, but some was just fucking hilarious.

We headed for supper and Reznor started frenching the table as soon as we get seated. I just love birthdays.

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