Monday, December 26, 2005

The Butterfly Christmas Special

Its the first time since as long as i can remember that i've actually been out clubbing on Christmas day. The guys and I headed down to Zouk for the early bird special tickets. We're cheap, we hate to queue and we're afraid of being left out. That makes us authentic Singaporeans.

The Thai girl i got to know at Momo calls me to ask if i wanna hang out with her. I ask her along to Zouk. Remember, this girl is still a suspected ladyboy, so i've arranged a series of questions to siphon out the possible penis. I tell TB to help me out. I name her Ivory. She's alot better looking the first time i met her. Could be the lighting. The following is the evidence i gathered to prosecute her sexuality.

a) She was born here and completed her O's here.
b) She was from Raffles Girls Primary then went on to Katong Convent
c) Her voice is raspy.

Of cos, the above two information could have been falsely given. I don't give a fuck cos she buys me a round of drinks. I decide to throw all caution to the wind, and stick with her for the night. Which is a hard thing to do since Zouk is always full of beautiful people. I even saw my once upon a time dream girl (the one i posted on my John Digweed post), she stared at me for about 4 seconds, then walked off. Much of it was cos Ivory was holding me pretty tightly.

The highlight girl for tonite goes to this WEIRD girl wearing a pink outfit with mirco-mini pink skirt that threatens to show her butt cheeks everytime she leans forward. This girl is UGLY, and she's FAT and FLAT (i never thought its was possible to be those two at a time). She has two pigtails tied at the two ends of her head, a knee high furry pink boots and she carrys this illuminated Sponge Bob bag on her back. Her cheeks are chubby, has bad teeth and a mole. She just needs the threadmill to be a legitimate hamster. This is her, or wadever i could take of her.

The group behind me was laughing as i attempted to take the picture. I kept saying, "Its Halloween so soon?" I was saying some other mean stuff which the people around me including the bouncers thought was pretty amusing. Ivory didn't.

Ivory: "I think you're being very mean. Don't say such things."
Me: "oh.."
Ivory: "She's just different."
Me: "As in being ugly?"
Ivory: "That's not very nice."

Usually I don't give a damn about anyone who tells me im mean. This is different. I was the one who picked her up, and she's not madly into me YET, which means i can still fuck this whole thing up.

Her friends come by later. She's got one hot friend, the one she was with the other night. She has this plunging neckline that brings all attention to her C cup boobs. Everytime she bents forward, the guys around me leans closer. Her other friend is this Japanese chick, who's probably too old for me anyway. I stick with my early pick.

So as we head out to go home, Ivory insists on taking a cab back, even though i offer to send her back.

Me: "Why don't I just send you back?"
Ivory: "Why don't I send you back?"
Me: "That because I drove?"
Ivory: "Okay, why don't you send me back to your place?"

I know an invitation when i smell one, but unless i'm missing a bigger picture, this is as good as grabbing my ass and whispering, "Fuck me.."

The only big problem. Is she a ladyboy? I spend the next 7mins in the car devising a way i can get some concrete proof, without taking off the clothes. Usually the tell-signs are,

a) they tend to have bigger hands, as do all males.
b) adams apple. Though thats not always the case and its possible to sugically remove it now.
c) fake tits
d) they cannot naturally lubricate themselves

Ivory has small portionate hands, and no adam's. My concern is to not have to resort to option D as a means to acertain the facts. I decide to sneak a peek in her wallet for any identification card at the first chance i get.

She starts asking me some questions about my past relationships before we both doze off. Seriously, i fell asleep for a moment. Now's the chance, i have her lying next to me sleeping, and her bag within arms reach of me. She's lying on my right arm so i reach with my left to try to grab the bag. I hook the bag on the handle and drag it closer, and next thing i know, i topple everything over because the bag's not closed.

She wakes up to the sound of her phone hitting the ground.

Ivory: "What are u doing?"

In the split second, i just point in the direction of her bag and said, "I was trying to get that.."
She looks at me, "The water bottle?". I nod, and tell her to go back to sleep and that i'll pick up the stuff. She doesn't realise its her stuff on the floor which now gives me the chance to find the much needed confirmation put my mind at rest. I'm so sneaky and low.

I pick up her phone, then try to find the wallet. She has some equivalent of our university matric card with her picture on it. The rest is written in Thai so i cant figure anything out. I decide to venture into Option C and do the physical examination instead. The problem is, I cant really tell fake boobs from firm boobs. They're soft so i give em' the benefit of doubt.

It now spirals down to Option D. The only phobia i have is putting my hand there and finding a buldge. She finally takes my hand south. I feel something... something hard.. a tape?! My mind goes blank.. is that a tape? She has her dick taped?!!! How am i to get out of this?

Me: "Whats that? Is it a bandage?"

She starts giggling, then lies ontop of me.

Me: "What's so funny?! OH MY GAWD.. its a bandage?!"

She punches me hard on the chest.

Ivory: "It's a sanitary pad you dumbo"

I make a mental reassessment. Sanitary pads are for women. Ladyboys do not menstruate, hence Ladyboys will not need pads. Which would make her a bona fide female. On the other hand, menstruating usually equals abstinence, which would also mean NO pussy. Life blows.

Ivory: "Don't worry, its ending."

Ahhh.. its like doing CPR on me. Taking me back from near death experiences.. I love menstruation cycles. Option D certified. Merry Xmas to me! And the best thing is that she refuses to let me send her home cos I havent slept all night. How good can this get. They come, they give some and they take a cab home. Sounds like Santa if u ask me.


At 5:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, just came across your blog and thought it only fair to mention, yours is one of the more interesting one I've read. A very curious mix of overwhelming ego and insecure self-deprecation. Well done.

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