Butterfly Gets Pimped To A Whale

My life is at a saturation point of boredom. This past Friday, I actually threw all regularity out and did two things you would NEVER imagine. Note, I was lying when I said it was my birthday. Everyday should be, but it isn't. To those that sent me well wishes, I'll forward that to the 31st when it's the actual date.

I was in attendance at a Christian Rock concert. Not on a voluntary impulse, but largely because I was presented with a blind option.

Kev: "Hey, I bought tickets for to a Christian rock concert for you and Dennis. It's on Fri. You can go right?"

I didn't know whether to shout for joy or for a butcher's knife. I waited for the second option.

Kev: "We'll go together after work."

Great, I started wondering if he had my low calories diet meal all planned out for the week too.

The concert was decent, save for the fact that I was the least enthusiatic soul in the whole hall. If you've been to anything organised by Christians, you'll know that they shout and cheer at everything. They started frowning at my nonchalance to every other song which they ALWAYS tell me,

"This is the best song!"

I excused myself to the toilet and saw a boy seated next to the door, immersed in his PSP. I am now officially the 2nd least enuthsiastic person. I start eyeing him with the same contempt people have been giving me all night.

I headed to MOS after that. Nothing beats giving debauchery alittle attention after church. My night there was promised to be a tempestous affair for my ailing liver. It started with an afternoon tease of,

Reznor: "Tonight MOS, drinks.."

Then it blew into an afternoon orgasm to cure my prosiac work life.

"3 bottles of Whiskey.."

You have no idea what these words do to me. If wetting my pants in excitement was still legitimately normal for 25yr olds, I'd have peed right in them.

I managed to convince HB (more commonly known to some of you as The Horny Bitch), that her morning flight deserves her going to work drunk. Since some of you might have read her post of the night, I'll need to iron out some minor details.

We get to the place and start off casually with a glass of wine. My motley crew is late and only GT4 is here with us for appetizers. 30mins later, pissed with Reznor for being late, we begin the road to damnation without him.

Ash comes to join us and HB remarks about her being hot. I pay no attention to complements not directed to me and continue drinking. I take out my glow sticks and do what I do best. Get attention.

If you’ve been out drinking with me, you’ll know that alcohol is my one excuse for being a TOTAL asshole. I’ll brand anything unsightly with derogatory terms, trash talk and practically poke fun of anyone you want me to.

Then she appears. Bumping up and down as clumpsily as her stubby feet carried her. The whale, the one thing that will definitely ensure my passport to retribution. Right, in case you're reading for the first time, I term all things obese as whales.

I tell my friend, Faith,

Me: "HOO SHIT, she definately paid $50 bucks to come in."
Faith: "HAHAHHHAHAHAHA.....That's damn mean of you..."

I go over to HB,

Me: "I am going take a picture with her. You are going to take one for me."

HB begins with telling me (like everyone does) how mean I am, then starts laughing at the whole idea. She is obviously going to hell with me.

Ash comes in and we pitch her the plan,

Ash: "Need my help? I can help you, you know."
Me: "I do not need help."

Ash goes over and starts talking to the Whale which looks to devour her with a nibble. She looks like a plankton next to Free Willy. This is great. I have one hot girl pimping me to marine life. If I have to rate my chances, I'll say it's a good perfect 10. I need to be honest, I didn't pick her up, Ash actually did most of the work.

2 mins later, Ash is walking over with the Whale.

Ash: "This is Butterfly, he'll like to have a picture taken with you."
Whale: "Hi! Nice to meet you."

I signal for HB to ready the camera. This requires some amount of skill to fit us both in the piture.

Whale: "Hey, nice!" [pointing to my glowsticks] "My favourite colour!"
Me: "Really? Good, I hate this colour then."
Whale: "Can I have it?"

I give it to her and she starts ATTACHING IT TO HER BRA STRAP! I cannot possibly be making this up. At least 40 people saw her with a pink glowstick clipped 2 inches above her right breast. Whale belongs to the few who are cursed with the trinity of cardinal sins. She's, FAT, FLAT and UGLY.

Me: "Wah.. do you have to clip it there?!"

She goes off, then periodically comes back. Each time to compliment me on things from 'Good handshake' to 'you're a good dancer'. Her other friends stare on in bewilderment at her supernatural popularity. Well, we love keeping whales as pets. They make great afternoon entertainment.

Eugg and Reznor finally come. Ash starts getting drunk from playing 5-10 with HB and I'm distracted between toasting with the other girls and keeping a lookout for the Whale. Everytime I spot her I'll say to them,

Me: "There she blows!!"

Me: "Are you guys blind!? How can you NOT spot her?!"

Whale finally comes over to get our numbers. I point her to HB and walk away. I tell the guys, "There's enough of her to go round. Do not worry about not getting any. "

Me: "HB, I need to take a FULL body pic with her. This is important."

I've not seen the pictures yet, but when I do, I'll show you, if I'm feeling nice. She starts telling me horrible stuff like, 'hanging out together in future'. I ignore all that she is saying and stare at the ripples on her skin around the cheeks and neck as she talks. I can't remember who, but a couple of them start egging me on to kiss her. And what do I do when faced with juvenile peer pressure?

I give in.

I plant a peck on the great wide surface she calls a cheek. She is the happiest marine mammal in the world. Not everyone one is laughing about it.

Ash: "You are not kissing me tonight! I can't believe you did that!"

I start proclaiming loudly to the guys.

Me: "I just kissed a girl that is above the 80kg weight cap. I am king. You have not and you are not in my league."

Me: "I don't care what you guys think. I'm counting that one as 2 girls."

The Whale is huge, with miniature A-Cups. She's 2.5 times HB's size and her arms are packed with years of KFC drumstick weight lifting. You can turn around twice and you'll still be on her. I tried finding the next whale and then realised that NO ONE was anywhere near her league. I had caught my White Whale and everyone else now looked like they just came from a hunger strike.

Which brings me to the point about the picture. I hate it when people take up more photo space than me. I AM THE PHOTO WHORE.

In between HB FALLING on the ground laughing and being chatted up by Caucasian men. I see one fat male ass and suggest to her that she should hit on him. She obviously lacks my enthusiasm for pork chops and turns down the challenge.

Some guy points to me and goes,

Guy: "Hey, nice shuffle!"

I wave him off because he isn't fat enough to eat me whole. Whether it was the Whale going off resulting in the capacity slashing in half or the delayed effects of soberness, the night was turning out to be like any other night.

6 hrs from now, I'll be on my way to Desaru. I head home, take a dump and fall asleep while wiping my ass.

Post script: HB msgs me the next day.. verbatim,

HB: "dude send u the pics tonight k btw your whale wanna ask u out for coffee n I told her ok haha!"