Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Conversation that fucked me up


For some reason or another, the women i've met recently or have hooked up with in the last past 6 months have two conjuctive traits. They are either older than me, or attached. Sometimes both. In any case, i have retribution waiting for me around the corner. I just know it.

I was having this random conversation with a frend of mine recently and we were just talking about me and if i've been seeing anyone of late, or at least after i acquired singlehood. I decided to be honest with this frend whom i shall name M.Agony, and it turns out to be the most guilt greeting, paranonia planting, diabolically disturbing conversation. I regret talking.

M.Agony: "So have u been dating anyone lately?"
Me: "Ya.. just so happens that they all turn out to be older or they are attached."
M.Agony: "Older is alright wad... but u date people who are attached?"
Me: "Well i dun really date them i just play this game (I explain my game to M.Agony)"
M.Agony: "Oh my God.. do people actually play this game with u?"
Me: "Ya.. for some reason.. only the attached people seem to want to play.. weird huh?"
M.Agony: "U are so going to hell for that.."

M.Agony isnt the moral preaching kinda person, but the whole absurdity of the game is a novelty to her. Ooops i forgot to mention M.Agony is a female. Needless to say. M.Agony is not on my 'to fuck' list.

M.Agony: "So have u slept with any one these gals?"
Me: "The attached ones or the older ones?"
M.Agony: "The attached ones of cos! Who the hell cares about cradle snatchers?"
Me: "In the what time period?"
M.Agony: "Oh my god.. u are kidding me right? U are catagorizing them in time periods??"

I tell her the magic number and she tells me. "single digits are good.. i hope you're planning to keep it that way." Before u start running off and think i sleep around alot.. i don't. I'm absolutely kidding about the time period thing. Im a butterfly..not a hamster.

M.Agony: "So when u say hook up.. u include kissing?"
Me: "Well if i include kissing.. then that number would be invalid. But everyone of the last 5 women i've kissed falls under the 'older or attached' heading. I cant seem to meet normal girls."

M.Agony: "Let's see.. you've been kissing attached girls.. u do know of the word karma? maybe retribution? Well...I know that ya not thinking with your dick, and im pretty sure u have a clear mind to imagine that this could be your future gf next time."

For a moment.. i finally start thinking straight. These women whom i've kissed, made out or slept with were people who were actually someone else's girlfriends. Some of them swayed because they were facing relationship problems, but some of them were actually happily attached but did it in a moment of mixed curiosity and madness. When i say madness.. i mean it in a good experimental way (also read as Drunkness). Yet, just the sheer coincidence of the multitude of these women that i happen to meet, turning out to be cheaters is enough to send a wave of moral panic. Is society really becoming more promiscuious? Thankfully, alcohol is a catalystic element in most of my cases.

M.Agony: "Makes u wonder if ya ex gf ever cheated on u eh?"
Me: "Fuck.. no way dude..."
M.Agony: "Oh yeah.. i bet these girl's bf's probably said the same thing u did. Right before u fucked them."
Me: "Fuck u! Im positively sure she didn't"
M.Agony: "So sure she never kissed another guy? In a club maybe? Heavily intoxicated.. alcohol is an aphrodisiac after all."

M.Agony fucks up my head (both heads for now). I still recall LB telling me how he laughed when he saw the pic of this gal's boyfriend, bcos she slept with me. Im an asshole, but this was all in the past! Everyone makes mistakes. I couldn't have worn a green hat too... could i? Well, im positively sure my ex has never cheated on me , as in slept with another guy, but there's a slight chance she might have kissed someone else. I dun really give a fuck now.. cos its in the past.

M.Agony: "U feel shit rite now eh?"
Me: "Whatever.. I've kissed enough attached gals to make up for anything thats anyone has done to me."
M.Agony: "Ya i can imagine.. Ya next gf.. she could probably be kissing someone else when u aren't around too."
Me: "Fuck u.. i bet u've done it before."
M.Agony: "Cheat on my bf? Yes... twice"
Me: "I hope u live in Iran. They stone people for this shit."
M.Agony: "I'll probably see ya ex gf and ya future gf there too. We'll all get stoned together."

M.Agony is a wise crack. On any other day. NO one out talks me, for now.. my head is a mess. I know for sure i won't be dating anyone of those gals, but at the rate of me meeting new people who all flutter in vice, im pretty sure my love life is gonna be married to paranonia.

Random images come floating back to me. I once dated this gal whom i thought was really hot. Its the C cup boobs and 23" waist and long wavy hair. Turns out this gal is a virgin (she's attached btw), and she's a catholic. I had to find this out when we were fooling ard at my place, it scares the shit out of me, I lose interest. A month with me and this girl loses most of her virginal traits and she tells me she wants to play My Game. We were kissing even when she was on the phone with her bf and she later refuses to pick up his call.

The above could have happened to you.

I suddenly freak out on the thought of my gf making out with another guy while talking to me. FUCK everyone! My conscience now is sustained completely by guilt and fear of retribution. No way will i get cheated on! I picture a devoted me kissing my gf who could quite possibly just had given some other asshole a blowjob an hour ago. My life is spiralling down. Save me. I hate telling the truth now.

M.Agony: "Im giving u legitimate reasons to become gay."
Me: "Fuck u. And what? Give my bf a blowjob when his dick was last found in an asshole instead of a pussy?"

M.Agony: "I always thought u had a no chasing attached people rule?"
Me: "Fuck the rule.. u just fucked up my life!"

I explain to her that the rule still stands. I still DO NOT chase people who are attached. These gals wanted to play the game. I didn't force them. Its a Game.

M.Agony: "Oh well, ignorance is bliss. I know tons of girls who cheat on their bf's."
Me: "Good, i hope they burn in hell. Dun ever introduce those cocksuckers to me."
M.Agony: "Yaaaaa rite.. dun tell me u don't know any friends who cheated on their significant other."

Im pretty worked up at this point cos my head is flooded with pretty nasty images. I think... hmmm well that would depend on what constititutes cheating. Who the hell am i bullshitting.. i have lotsa friends who have cheated at one point of their lives. To my dear friends reading... U KNOW WHO U ARE! I distinctively state now that, kissing is cheating! I've never cheated on my gf.. but if i know im gonna get cheated on.. im gonna start it first.

M.Agony: "u do know that u're probably beyond redemption now rite?"
Me: "My god forgives me. Whats ya problem anyway Lucifer? Finding someone to drag to hell with?"
M.Agony: "U're gonna need to experience cuckoldism first hand."
Me: "I hope i take u with me."
M.Agony: "Well, im pretty sure my bfs have cheated on me before. So vis-a-vis."

I can already imagine how paranoid i'll be next time. Simply because the world is filled with assholes like me.

M.Agony: "u know i think kissing isn't such a big deal."
Me: "even if the gal has her tongue down my throat?"
M.Agony: "WHAT? When u said kissing i thought u meant just kissing.. not frenching!"
Me: "Who gives a fuck about pussy kisses! I was talking about tongue fucking wrestling!"
M.Agony: "Oh my... u are really going to have a truly big retribution."
Me: "Tell it to fuck me in the ass soon and get it over with."
M.Agony: "What the hell were u thinking!"
Me: "....."

I do not explain further. I should start writing sorry letters to the poor boyfriends. I might be joining Club Cuckold, open to anyone who has been fucked up by their partners, or was not invited to the fuck their partners were in.

Me: "Cant we just talk about older women? I have much nicer older women stories.."
M.Agony: "ya but i dun get to tell u that u are going to hell for those stories."
Me: "If i fuck enough fat or ugly women.. can i redeem myself then?"
M.Agony: "What for charity? They'll probably be attached too. And u can fall deeper into damnation."
Me: "Wadever preacher.. muthafucker.."
M.Agony: "Haha.. I bet u've fucked mums too.."
Me: "wadever.. they fall under attached personnels too."

I swear this is one of the most disturbing conversations i've had in awhile. Pardon me if i decide not to date.. ever. Comments?


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At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

M.Agony sounds a right proper ASSHOLE!

The loser type that likes to mindfuck with people.

I hope her firstborn is a stillborn.

Or at the very least, a lorry runs over her legs.


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