Friday, November 18, 2005

The Shortest Date

Im writing this after just returning from what is and could possibly be my shortest date ever. Short dates aren't always bad.. they can be absolutly horrible. I know. I just had one. I was just about to make myself a nice cup noodle when I got this call. It's from the sister of this Thai chick I got to know when I was in Bangkok. I'll call the sis Kermit (explaination later). I've actually spoken to Kermit on the phone before cos she was doing translation for her sis.

Ok, a quick run through. I've been in contact with this Thai chick, Nan for couple months now and I also got to know that her sis would be in town for couple days and she did tell me to meet up with her. I've not seen the sis before but since Nan being a cutie herself, I therefore equate that apples generally do not fall far from the tree.

Yes, but unfortunately, apples do rot.

So Kermit calls me just as I'm about to boil water. She tells me that she's staying at Crown Prince Hotel and ask if I could meet her tonight. Let me evalute.
a) I am hungry
b) I have an exam tmr at 1pm
c) Tourist make excellent prey

Hands up those of u who opt for meeting a potential fuck over reading boring notes on Women in Japanese Society and references to porn actresses. Against my better judgement i tell her, "I can't stay too late cos i have an exam tmr." and I spend the next minute explaining what is an exam. Thais... don't you just love em'.

So I head straight to Crown Prince, Swensen's to be exact. Now, I've never seen Kermit before, but she has seen tons of my pics, cos Nan rips tons of my photos off the net and that she always demands I be on webcam. So how am I to recognise her without calling her and risk her seeing me in case she turns out to be ugly? I can't. She tells me she'll look out for me.. great. No Houdini acts tonite.

I get there, and I hear someone call me. I turn and see..

Not everything has a dichotomous value ascribed to it by me, you know good and bad.. pretty and ugly, etc. But this gal falls under the extremes. The bad end of it. I usually rate them as such, 'Fucky', 'Fuckable', and 'Fucked up'... this gal opened up an entirely new catagory all by herself.. 'wah..FUCK!'.

Let's see where do I start. Firstly, this gal has weird eyes, obnoxiously spaced apart. If they were slightly higher up her head, she could qualify as a frog. Secondly, she has a fat nose that she uses to snort marbles with. It's the Jim Henson's Muppet Babies reunion. I do not get to comment on the figure cos she is seated.

And you think that is bad? Nooo... the bicyle is just getting perched on the hilltop.. the downhill ride is just only beginning.

She's not alone. A key point she forgot to tell me. I'll forgive her if it's a female, but in this case, it's a gay (or at least from what I deduce. I don't go round enquiring on people's sexual orientation). Well so I guess i have to half forgive her on this. This guy isn't good looking either, slender physique wearing a tight turtle neck sweater, with average features.

Kermit starts complementing that I look alot better in person and she cannot stop smiling. It's ok to me, but the problem is, this guy couldn't stop smiling at me too! And as if that wasn't bad enough, he kept making seductive gazes at me. If I wasn't going to fuck her tonight, I was pretty sure he was gonna fuck me.

Kermit ain't exactly proficient in the English language so her speeches are in stutters and some make no sense. I've been out with enough girls who cannot speak English well, China ladies,Thais, Japs, Koreans... but I always found a way to work past the language barrier. And that was to just not say anything and just keep smiling at them all night, but I could not do this tonight. Those women were attractive, but Kermit is the Devil's way of saying "HAHA...You should have stayed home to study asshole!"

I could focus my attention on the guy and just smile at the better looking of the two. I don't know what is worse, giving the wrong impression to a gay or being hit on by an ugly girl. I've said maybe 2 words since I got there. They'll out score me if it was an English oral exam. My vocabulary has been strictly limited to "ohh" and "ok". Sometimes I throw in larger more bombastic words like "Thanks" or "sorry".

Kermit is telling me things in her Thai slang of an English (its funnier when I actually imitate her) "Nan, she really like u. We is thinks you really ham-sum na." And then she'll break into a laughter whenever I smile or say "ok". The shit thing is, Kermit has this habit of rolling her eyes backwards when she laughs. She just has to do it with both eyes in opposite directions, and I swear she can audition for the role of the chameleon in the next HP colour printer advertisment.

I sit through another 6mins of them telling me where they've been since they've got here. It something like this..

11.04pm: Kermit "ermm we go to err..."
11.05pm: Kermit "ermm i.. dunno how say in Engrish"
11.06pm: Kermit "we go to shopping.. in China.."

I cut her off immediately and say "Chinatown" cos I cannot wait any longer for her to complete the sentence. She goes to ask me if i've been there.. HELLO! I'm a Singaporean.. its just like asking a Thai if they know any transexuals.

I have to cut myself loose. Gay boy is leaning too close and he's asking if I'm heading anywhere after this. I guess that's what he's asking, there was only two coherent words in the sentence he said 'go' and 'where'. I search desperately for the nearest fork or knife I can find, in case he gets too close, I can stab myself with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic, but I have neither the vested strength, time nor erection to give a fuck about what they are saying or planning to do. I do not even attempt any wise cracks cos they won't understand anyway.

I tell him I have to leave, much to their dismay. Kermit says she wants a picture with me to show Nan, I say "Ever heard of photoshop?" and she goes "what u say? I no understand". Fuck me.. lets get it over with. As much as im a photo slut, Kermit's face closely plastered next to mine is not a good way to make me smile.

I look at my handphone. 17mins. Fuck me, the village idiot and tourist entertainer. Let's face it, I'm not being superficial, but giving equal chances to people who clearly aren't equal, is called Communism. We don't support that.

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