Monday, September 20, 2010

It's Called Pants

For all the merits women have been ascribed with, beginning with tolerance, faith, bitching and blowjobs, it's a pity that myopia is perched right next to them as if in vile mockery of all things good in women.

Women can thrill men with a flaunt of a falling shoulder strap, a jest tilt of her shortening skirt and even the overtly frequent use of cleavages still makes men forgive any stupidity they bring with it. And yet all these wonderful rights to being a woman still gets eroded and forgotten by them when you add alcohol into the equation.

I'm sure looking beautiful is paramount when you go out clubbing. It's not just the men you have to impress, but it's also the imaginary competition you have with every other girl in the club. Who looks prettier? Who has the nicest leg? Who looks cheap in that Dolce? Can I make fun of the piece of lard by the bar? Is any one keeping count on calories?

So fake lashes, barebacks, stiletto heels and mini skirts become your assets, when in reality they are liabilities. It's like planning to fuck a leper and hoping to come out of it fine, and maybe if you're lucky, have a kid from it that is such a genius, he makes Einstein look like an autistic monkey.

Do girls actually consider the consequences of getting drunk?

Look, it's really simple. If you are going out to have a crazy night with copious engagements with champagne or martinis, then at least plan for it. And I'm not even talking about having a proper meal before you head out or putting a condom in your bag. There is a simple solution to all that, and it's called, pants.

The only thing dumber than a girl getting pissed drunk, is getting pissed drunk in a skirt, because not only will you be losing a liver, your dignity is going out the door as well when you parade your ass for the world to see. If that happens, I hope you wore nice undies at least. What can be worse for your friends to find out that, not only are you a bad drinker, you also have bad taste in panties.

Just the other night, we were laughing when we saw a group of girls on a hen's night queuing for entry at Butter Factory. And I was laughing only because she was in a skirt that was so short even a midget could wear it as a thong, and I knew that she was going to end the night crawling out.

I'm not sure if she gave lap dances that night, but I'm pretty sure she gave a lot of upskirts because I saw her being dragged out by her friends and her panties were still showing. You can snigger if you saw, I think half of the adult population in Singapore did.

Do girls not know that prevention is better than cure, that consequence is always there to remind us of our decisions and that a myopic choice to wear short skirts once and get drunk is forgivable but twice just makes you either an idiot or a slut.

We've all seen it too often. Girls drunk by the side of the road and friends having a dilemma on protecting their modesty or making sure she doesn't choke on her own vomit. And passerbys are just confused on whether to laugh at their inebriated state or at the granny panties.

I'm all for girls or people in general to drink, because alcohol is essential to partying just as young alter boys are to Catholic priests. The word that I must bold - and I cannot believe I am saying this - is moderation.

If a guy passes out from severe inebriation and pees his pants, it's fine because it's the responsibility and in the nature of men to do stupid and embarassing things. Sure, he'll get laughed at for a couple of days, but he will go home and wank off to a poster of Megan Fox, or Michael J Fox or an Animal Planet fox poster, whatever. And he will be fine after that.

As much as we belive in equilateral rights between the sexes, you have to understand that there are just some things that are ascribed gender characteristics. Getting drunk and carried out a club is a male dominant gene, much like how nagging is dominated by women. Let's face it, women don't look as good as men in getting drunk.

If you know you are going heavy with the drinks, or even think that the night has any inclinations of imploding into a voracious cheer of alcohol, then start comprehending that high heels aren't your best friends when walking straight becomes a possibility lost beyond the recall of sobriety.

And short skirts? Only if you intend and can control your drinks with wretched moderation, or unless it is your intention to parade your newest Victoria Secrets purchases and hope that you make it to

If I had to write a slogan for pants, it would be:

"Protecting your modesty so that you can drink more" or "It might not look as good as a short skirt, and it's not as user friendly to pee with, but it's also alot more difficult to be raped in."

Monday, September 06, 2010

How To Lose Your Partner In 10 Ways - Pt 4

Sorry to have keep you in abeyance while I've taken a small sabbatical from the keyboard and lost a couple of weeks without decent enough events for me to re-ignite any interest to pen it down for laughs.

But before I get on with any tales of drunk revelry, I thought it best that I close up this long running chapter before I lose more literary merits to age - my birthday just passed by the way - and brain cells for a prolonged engagement with alcohol.

8. The TV remote

Not many women realize this but a TV remote controller is one of the most sacred possessions a man will have in his lifetime, much like his pink IC when he is 18, his car, an autographed soccer jersey and maybe an NDP goodie bag.

Most women also don't know that deliberately parting a man from his TV remote is a national felony recognised across all countries of the world, with the exception of Tibet and Alaska where television might not be invented just yet. And it is punishable with a tight master hand to the face and a knee to the gut.

Thankfully, men are merciful beings who generally do not extend this punishment against their perpetrator because women have discovered that cleavage, lap dances and blowjobs when executed with the right intentions, can be very persuading even for the most resolute of couch potatoes.

That said, women should understand that a man's bond with the TV remote is a madatory ritual phase that all men enter like their fathers before them, much like puberty, just with alot less stress, curiosity and embarassment. And to break that bond by taking it away from him or by changing his channels, is as sacrilegious as giving blowjobs as a substitute for Sunday communion.

Without his remote, a man loses his dignity and his best friend. His world begins to crumble because he will henceforth be stuck with the same channel as switching it manually would have become too tedious. And in time, his animosity towards you grows because he has lost that one tool that allowed him to escape your nagging.

A breakup becomes the inevitable event on the horizon that will be marked on the calender with considerable anticipation.

I had an ex-girlfriend who believed that it was her duty to filter shows for my viewing, which included a ban on watching wrestling. If I had stumbled upon it from channel surfing, she would take it upon herself to hold the remote for me, just so I will never glance upon that channel again. I celebrated her departure, needless to say.

9. World Cup

When something comes around once every four years, it should be revered as the a global phenomenon it is. Challenging it is about as dumb an idea as trying to pee at a tornado. Women should never try to make men choose between them or a World Cup match unless they want to set themselves up for disapointment.

You will never win.

You know that even if your man picked you, it was filled with resentment and regret and done so probably out of a calculated move that you would have been incessantly nagging at him had he not done so and he would never have enjoyed the match anyway because you would have laced it with so much emotional blackmail, he would not even be able to take a dump without feeling guilty.

World Cup was never meant to steal your boyfriend - or as recent viewersip demographics has shown. possibly girlfriend - but for the seasoned person, capable of seeing beyond this myopic and petty grudge with this male centric sport, they actually realize that this is a chance to showcase themselves as understanding partners, far surpassing the realm of young women with nothing more that short skirts, tight asses and a chestful of insecurities.

So if you want to still have a relationship after the World Cup, then this a time to perhaps start pretending that you are interested in watching grown men chase after a ball. After all, this happens once every four years, much like how often men will take you out to watch the sunrise after they are in a relationship, so embrace it.

10. Bad Sex

As we mature, we understand that love isn't just a canvas of doe eyed kisses, long talks on the phone and romantic dinners, but also an intricate fabric of sexual intimacy and that sometimes love just means licking your partners ass.

You see, while sex might not be paramount at the start of all relationship life cycles, couples grow to become less forgiving to flaws in technique and physique. A 3 inch penis might have been sufficient in the first couple of months when an orgasm might have been fuelled by a strong spark of passion, but as the relationship gets longer and the penis remains the same, it becomes a problem.

Taking 2 minutes to figure which hole he should be inserting in is a crime intolerable as pink cars and peeing in lifts are. Taking more time to wear a condom than actual sex including foreplay is also a herald to a relationship that will not last longer than Lindsay Lohan's jail stint.

If you suck at it, corrective measures should be taken immediately unless finding a new partner every 2 months is on your cards, of which tales of your suckiness would travel and soon the only one willing to fuck you is a hamster in heat, with a lot of steriods.

I once dated a girl who told me she believed in chastity and that sex was a gift saved for marital bliss. Not only did I know that I was never going to marry this person, I had also lost all prior interest in putting my hand down her blouse, and the erection.

If a virgin might have been what men liked before a relationship, then being a slut is what's going to keep the relationship going.