Monday, January 23, 2006

Butterfly goes to gay pub

Going to the gay pub does some good. It extensively gives width to my vocabulary, and hence i have a pocket arsenal to converse with male homosexuals using their lingos. I know some terms they use through accquintance with various friends. Yes, I have gay friends. Firstly, the important thing to know is that there are two types of homosexuals. The top and the bottom, which refers to who fucks and who gets fucked respectively. They are usually mutually exclusive so two tops might equate to no sex and they'll have to wank each other.

Now I learn a new word. Cruising. Well, in my world and circle of friends, we call it Fishing. Cruising refers to looking out for available targets. As seen in the following...

Gay: "I'm going to cruise around"

The above has the same meaning as, "I'm going fishing" and in lay man's term, "I'm going to look for someone attractive so i can fuck." Ok, now on to the story proper.

LB and me head down to Happy to meet Pappy and his friends. LB has his own intentions for going, there's issues to be sorted out. I go because I reckon it'll be fun. Wrong intuition. One of the other reason is cos Pappy says the clubs usually have women there. The prettiest girl there is the transsexual DJ, nuff said.

Pappy's friends are like most gays, very friendly. One of them has a voice of a woman. When i overheard him on the phone when i called Pappy, I swear I thought Pappy's mother was coming along. Its a cross between a duck quacking and a typical auntie haggling at the market.

In between, LB and me entertain them by playing out our mock sexual dominance. They and everyone around seems to think our take on anal sex is hilarious. Men... so easy to please. Pappy is in a very gay outfit, tank tops with jeans, he claims its for blending in purposes. LB and me are probably the most ungayly dressed duo in the club.

Gay men have nice bodies, I'll give it to them, but they cant dance. I stand by my word. And not all gay men are goodlooking either, some are very ugly. Probably why they turn gay in the first place. I tell them that I proclaim myself to be the prettiest guy in the club. Gay clubs blow, I didn't get hit on as much as before, that sucks.

We end up heading to MoS. Best decision of the night.

I bump into Mare and two other girls. One of which I've 'dated' in my couple game. I'll call her HotBody and the other AnkleTattoo. We end up clubbing together. LB is not please that I decide to target AnkleTattoo cos he doesn't see any reason on why i should. I beg to differ. Fresh meat is ALWAYS better, usually.

Mare starts dancing with HotBody, so i switch places and go for AnkleTattoo. Its the tattoo, I'm a sucka for it. I ended up kissing her, infront of them. It went something like this.

HotBody: "why don't you kiss him (Mare)"
AnkleTattoo: "Yea, like this" [the two girls kiss]
Me: "Why the fuck will i want to kiss him!?"
AnkleTattoo: "For fun!!"
Me: "Crazy.. I rather kiss you" [I hold AnkleTattoo on the cheeks and we both kissed]

HotBody says nothing. She shouldn't and she can't cos we've agreed to keep US under wraps before. They repeatedly continue their lesbian action. The men around are loving it. Some girl I know comes to dance near me, and gets pissed when i start ignoring her. Fuck her, the lesbian action is WAY more interesting.

HotBody says she needs to head off cos she has work tomorrow. The four of us make our way to the exit. I kiss HotBody anyway, I can't let her feel left out. I'm a Capitalist, and from what i've learnt in school, competition advances the economy, which ultimately benefits everyone.

AnkleTattoo says she wants to leave too since HotBody is going off. I convince her to stay in my most convincing speech ever.

Me: "Just stay lah!"

AnkleTattoo changes her mind and says she can actually stay for awhile more. I'm so good, I should be a negotiator. LB and Pappy head off to find some other chick at the club, so I end up with her alone. Usually I'll make quick advances, but this girl is not my run of the mill chick. Firstly, she's tall.. very tall. Might possibly be taller than me. Fuck it, I'll just not kiss her while standing up. I'm not prejudice against them being taller, it just makes maneuverability hindered.

The remaining time i just shuffled continously. Some guy comes to shuffle with me. Girls need to seriously start picking it up.

I'm happy we went to the gay pub cos it only served to remind me why I love girls so much more. Amazing what it does to the percieved quality of girls at a normal joint. Everyone seems to look better. Unless they're fat and ugly, those generally fall beyond grace.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Butterfly steals, gets caught

I'm writing this because I was just recounting the things we did on Chinese New Year, and this story always comes up. Firstly cos it was hilarious then, and secondly cos we nearly had to spend CNY with the cops.

This happened 2-3 yrs back. We went for drinks at Fisherman's Village and ended up playing really funny card and word games. If I remember correctly, there's Huixx, Blaque, Jez(my then gf), my sis, Dennis and me. Its not gonna be as hilarious reiterating cos its situational humor, and no matter how good I write it down, its not gonna be as funny. So just think of a funny thought, laugh abit and then continue reading.

Basically, we rigged the entire card game so that Blaque would always end up drinking. Blaque is a bad drinker, i have evidence here. Hence, he naturally became the prime target. We once played this game where everyone could only ask questions, whoever didn't or laughed, drinks. Blaque spouts a gem and refused to admit he's sentence was wrong.

Blaque: "I can smell your constipation from a mile away?"

No matter how you say it, that is NOT a question and constipation has no smell.

We ended up staying till 5am, when everyone was gone. Then we did the dumbest thing. We attempted to steal the beer bucket. You see, we ordered two buckets of Strobe which came in a very nice bucket that all of us wanted for a waste paper basket. So we took the buckets, then we saw the bottle opener. We took that too.

Then one of them wanted the beer mugs. We took them too, ALL of it. Then we realised that if we put the mugs into the jugs, we could fit them all in the bucket. So, we took the jugs.. ALL of it. We started laughing boisteriously at our ingenuity in packing all the stolen goods together. A few more beers and we'd have planned on robbing banks.

Then Blaque and Dennis decided buckets and mugs weren't enough, they wanted the deck chairs. Blaque started dragging the chair, letting go only because the chairs were chained together and it'll have been impossible stacking 6 deck chairs in the car. Then they tried prying the dart board off the wall, it failed. And all this time everyone was laughing and creating an absolute ruckus enough to wake anyone in a 200m radius.

Everyone streamed off with the stuff, leaving Blaque, Jez and me holding a bucket with a jug and two mugs. Suddenly, one guy comes out of NOWHERE and halts me. Blaque makes a run for it. He literally RAN for the exit. Jez stood with me, she had too. Amazing what love does, I might have ran. Joking.

Man: "Excuse me brudder. Did you pay for those?"

Its one of those rhetorical questions where you should NEVER say anything. I fuck you not, I nearly pissed my pants. I tried faking ignorance. Failed.

Me: "Eh brudder.. you know.. its Chinese New Year.."

I say the dumbest things when I'm nervous. There I was, trembling, and hoping not to say anything punkish. I know it was a dumb thing to say, I made it seem like CNY justified theft.

Man: "No no no. I'm asking you a question. Did you pay for those."

All this time, he stood with his hands behind his back, like those arrogant disciplinarian heads taking their authority to the next level. The difference here is, this guy was itimidating, and he's probably the watcher, which meant it was in his jurisdiction to criminate our ass.

Me: "Ermm.. no."
Man: "So that means you're stealing. I can call the cops you know?"
Me: "Hey sorry lah brudder, just fooling around you know...."

He took a long hard stare at me. I half contemplated on making a run for it. I'd have made it, but Jez would have gotten me caught by tripping over stuff like she normally does. I have to emphasize that I was fucking nervous and scared shit to even conjure any wise cracks.

Man: "ok.. I'll forget about things tonight. One more time and I'll call the cops."

I breathed a sigh of relief, then attempted to shake his hand. He walked away. Friendly chap there. Everyone was out of sight, then I saw Blaque running back.. empty handed. So much for unity. Apparently Blaque ran and hid the stuff at the nearest tree he could find, then made his way back in an attempt to rescue me. The funny thing was that the first thought he had was to stash the stuff safely, my safety was secondary. I don't blame him, we did put in alot of thought and effort in stealing the stuff.

In the end, I ended up not taking anything! Dennis took a bucket and a jug. Blaque took a mug and the bucket, Huixx took something, Jez took a jug. I took nothing. I'm obviously altruistic.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Stupid Girl tries to date Butterfly

I have a tolerance for girls who are stupid and that threshold stems from key terms like, "hot", "pretty" and "big boobs". Recently, I've come to accept "drives a car" as a new inclusion to forgive stupidity. Anyone with a fucking pea brain best stays clear of me unless they fall into the fore-mentioned terms. Stupidity is a disease, unless giving head cures it, if not then I'm sorry, I'm all out of charity at the moment.

I just met what could most like be the dumbest person who wants to date me. People, I'm not being mean, but this girl is probably the reason why IQ scores for normal people start at 100. Its to show the great divide between us. There's Einstein, then there's normal folks, there's Forrest Gump and then there's Her.. right at the nadir of it.

This girl was probably born with half a brain. She probably got the other half at a discount from eBay sold by members of the Spastic Association. She is DUMB. It takes me only two sentences with her to be convinced that she deserves a full scholarship for her Phd in Stupidology.

This girl asked for my msn on one of those online community stuff, I cant remember which. I've not met her yet, and from the looks of it, I probably won't want to. It starts off normally, till she starts trying to ask me out.

Girl: "Maybe we can meet one day?"
Me: "Do you drive?"
Girl: "Nope, do you?"
Me: "No, used too. I need people to drive..."
Girl: "What happened? Why used too?"
Me: "I got caught drink driving, license revoked..."

Then it goes downhill, thankfully its over a computer screen. I might have stabbed her if i was with her.

Girl: "Drink driving can lose license??"
Me: "Yes..."
Girl: "Its illegal to drink while driving??"
Me: "yaaaa..."
Girl: "You mean you if are thirsty, you cant drink while you are driving? Its that serious?"

This girl literally took drink driving as drinking whilst driving. Incredible display of ignorance and stupidity. Her diet must consist of a staple of brain damaging food like pot or glue sniffing for her to be so clueless about society. Its amazing how she got pass 20yrs of life without anyone stabbing her or throwing stones at her for talking.

The next few exchanges came across as a revelation to her drink driving is illegal and you don't have to be caught with a bottle at hand to be criminally implicated with drink driving.

Girl: "So they caught you while you were drinking?"
Me: "No... I WAS drinking, I don't drink while driving."

This absolutely confused her and she came to question if i was just messing with her. Im serious, reciting the alphabets backwards will seriously fuck up her mind. The only reason I actually bothered going into such depth in explaining to her was because she had one of those artistic headshot of her which made her look good. You know, those with the fringe covering the face, her gaze fixated on a object off camera and very good backlight. Then she changed the pic, and I ended the conversation. Nuff said.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Being sober is not good

After yesterday's round of Death mixes and enormous amount of whiskey and champagne, it made me realise why I loved being drunk so much. Sober is not good, especially when the once beautiful crowd at MoS is thining off pretty rapidly. Being sober is however good for one thing, making good judgements on who we take home to fuck at night.

We bump into two 'old' friends. Strikingly beautiful, very ample bustline, very perfect facial features. God is however fair, He gave them a dick, but they had it removed. LB and me know that, sadly not many people do. This is what sets Singaporean men and Caucasian men apart.

Local men tend to be more cautious. We eye anyone with a C cup and sharp nose suspiciously. We try to spot more tell tale signs of transsexualism, like the adams apple, large hands, etc. Ladyboys also tend to be tall and built like catwalk models, usually. Thus, local men are wary.

Caucasians on the other hand, either do not bother about the past, or they cannot tell fact from fiction. Do you know they walk into Orchard Towers not knowing what Ladyboys are? Trust me on this, Im the expert. I wrote a paper on the transsexual sex trade. You guys need to bow before me and ask me for pointers when it comes to Ladyboys.

Anyway, this Caucasian guy starts hooking up with the two girls at the bar, buying them drinks, and squeezing their asses. Which is probably the only authentic portion of their body. This is good for us cos since they have free drinks, they give us their coupons. Of cos, they are our friends, so they have to give it to us. I had to give one of them a peck on the cheek as a Happy New Year greeting. The things I do for drinks.. such a whore i am. One of them eye Zeekay lustfully.

I start standing around the bar and that guy comes up to shake my hand.

SillyGuy: "Ohhh, I am so happy. I am lucky guy tonight."
Me: "Yes you are [giggle]"
SillyGuy: "Yes yes i am. I get TWO pussies tonight."

I start giggling and laughing. He is not amused. Bad reaction.

Me: "Hey good luck for tonight, I think you'll have a GREAT time."
SillyGuy: "I think so too. I am lucky tonight."

This guy has a Euro accent, slightly Italian. Well, its all the same when they freak out and scream. Asian, American, Eskimos... they all sound the same when they scream.

There are times when you know you have the chance to make an impact on someone's life. Some point when we have the power to intervene and prevent a life changing experience for another individual. I have the power in this instance. I do not exercise my right. Good Luck.

This guy has NO idea they are Ladyboys. Which means telling him the truth might equate to him not getting any. Doesn't matter to some folks in the West, a surgical hole is a hole. On the bright side, he might have fucked a dozen thinking otherwise by now. And because he has such a smuck on his face for taking two of them home, I let arrogance consume the muthafucker.

The one super hot girl in the club is this Taiwanese/China looking chick with a guy and another girl. LB tries to be friendly with the guy, gets burn for his effort.

LB: "Your friend is very pretty."
Guy: "Anyway not your problem, don't disturb me." (sic)

Says alot for his career in PR. The girl is legitimately hot. Pity she's very tall, around my height or maybe taller. Sucks. Hordes of men try to hit on her. She ignores all and walks away. Ice queen alert. Her apparent bf/date comes later. What an asshole. If i had a girlfriend this hot, I'll never leave her general vaginal vicinity for 2 days, at least. Another reason for me to head to Taiwan or China. Too many signs..

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Of Drinking and Shuffling

You'll know the night is going to be great when you get drunk. My pre-party contribution to the guys is preparing 3 bottles of pre-mix lethal brews of Absolut Vanilla and Johnny Walker Red. It's poured into Ice Mountain plastic bottles, filled 1/4 with alcohol, so if my estimation doesn't fail me, thats more than 10 shots per bottle. Its called, Butterfly's Death By Alcohol mix. I have it pre frozen so that it'll be chilled. LB even suggested a chiller box. The things we do for booze...

MoS is packed, Hed Kandi is playing.. for all of you who don't know who that is, you belong to the majority. Its good having friends working as customer relations officers, cos we get to cut queue, and suddenly everyone is cashing in on knowing us... those cheap bastards! This couple joins us cos he knows Vinny and he claims to know me from the Subaru show i did.

Zeekay is late so he has to go in seperately. LB coaxes this group of girls to allow him to stand with them. Amazing what charming friends can do for you. Once everyone's in, we head up to the car to tank up.

11.31pm: We start drinking, each of us taking a bottle.
11.35pm: Half the drinks are gone. We start making holiday plans.
11.37pm: We contemplate Shanghai. From what we hear, the girls there are easy pickings. Its so easy its like fucking 7-11, open 24hrs a day. Haha.

11.43pm: Pappy starts making funny faces at my Death By Alcohol Mixes. Zeekay is protesting he had 3 Baileys before this and hence should be partially exempted.

11.5opm: We finish drinking, head back to the club half bloated and drunk.

We get there to discover MORE drinks waiting for us. Apparently, Zeekay's sister's friends are entertaining clients so the drinks are FOC and on the company tab. We shamelessly drink anything we can find. That includes finishing up a bottle of Jack Daniels ( everybody say yuck! this is cheap whiskey.) and champagne. I get Huixx to come up to drink.

Then LB and me head to dance. This girl comes up to talk to me cos I was doing the melbourne shuffle and she wants to learn it. This girl is hot, I've been eyeing her ever since we hit the dance floor.

HotGirl: "Hey can you liquid?"
Me: "nope, I can only shuffle."
HotGirl: "That's the Melbourne shuffle you're doing ya?"

Then she tells me she's trying to learn it and stuff. I love shuffling, I just didn't know hot girls were part of the package.

Me: "This music isn't right for shuffling, its gotta be harder."
HotGirl: "Okay, then when its the right music I want you shuffle for me again."

In my semi state of drunkness, I do not make a move to even get to know her. I guess I was expecting to see her again. Then she disappears, and I don't see her for the entire night again. Fuck me, Im an idiot.

I head back up to drink with Jules and we basically clear every drink left on the table. Then we head back down and he buys us a round of tequila shot. Eeeww, I hate that shit, I hate neat stuff its just nasty. Had I been caught drink driving tonight instead, I'd have probably blown a 100.

Zeekay and me start venturing the place till we bumped into a group of female friends who starts daring us to approach random people. One of it was me going up to this girl who had her butt crack greeting everyone and taking a pic with her. Simple task. Then i get greedy and demand a drink in return, and the stake goes from taking a picture to telling her i love her butt crack. At my state of Butterfly shit housed drunk, I'd have kissed her even.

Me: "Hay, can I take a pic wit yew..."
ButtCrack: "Yea sure u can.."
Me: "Oohh, and I really love ya butt crack."
ButtCrack: "oh [adjusting her jeans] Thanks!"

She's totally cool with it. I'm there half expecting her to get pissed and all, but she was cool. She introduce herself which sounded neither like butt nor crack, so I don't remember.

I think in between we chat with this girl in heels who sorta complained she can't dance cos of her heels. Then we bump into QLS and Dap, and the girls bought me a shot of brandy and they got pissed cos i mixed it with coke. I don't give a fuck, drinking is drinking. Nobody tells me how to drink my drink unless you've been drinking more than me and you're picking up my drink tab.

The last thing i remember in the club is talking to this chick cos LB wanted to. He ends up pointing at me and i start a VERY awkward conversation with her. Her half stunned, still very pretty face telling me, "I'm going to the bar there for drinks with my friends". Then I walk off. The amazing shitty things i do.

Then of cos we bumped into MissBangs and Ivory. Well, its not a coincidence since she blatantly CAME to find me. I don't speak much to her anyway. She starts dancing with me (which inevitably means hugging me), so since I do not want to be seen taken, I make a quick decision to throw her off my tracks. And what do? I fake being drunk.. very drunk. I make clear stumbles, i hang my head down and look really stone. Im so sneaky, I even asked her to chat up this two girls whom I thought were Thais, turns out they're Indos.

We leave, I call Ivory when we're out of the club. She tells me she's back home.

Ivory: "I'm going home, it's no use. You're too drunk to even fuck me tonight."

The darnest things girls say to me. I can fill a scrapbook with classic one liners already.

Pappy says he's heading home. Until we catch him having supper at Rivervalley with girls. That LIAR! We start calling him names and ignore him for the duration of supper. He is henceforth, Pappy the Fucked up or Pappy the pilot.

They complain about the ringing in their ears. funny how i don't have that. Probably im going deaf. Its amazing how alcohol dumbs our senses. Now.. if i can just start paying more attention to the girls in the club...

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Ivory dinner debacle

This is a dinner date that reminds me why I DON'T want to be in a relationship. The truth is, I'm pretty bored with Ivory already. My attention span keeps me faithful for a week, but cos she buys me dinner and presents, I extend the grace period for her case. Still, unless the person is really gorgeous, can hold a very interesting conversation or drives a car, one week is all I can muster. That's even if she's good in bed.

Ivory has been planning this all week long, and even though she was pissed with me on Wed, she still really wants to have dinner with me. Im not deducing all this, she said these to me herself. We meet at Bugis Junction and I have to take a bus there. Ok I have to bitch about this.

Public transport sucks! Did you know you have to actually stand for the ride? And we actually have to share seats with strangers? This is absurd. At least there's air-condition, or I'll really have to sue the bus company. The only saving grace is that, there's actually people to see. Now I just pray that pretty people take public transport. Its a big crowded hold up with people going, "eskew me.. eskew me".

Ivory isn't too happy with the way the date is going. Firstly because she feels I'm acting weird from the sudden withdrawal of intimacy. Over dinner, we have a talk which feels so familiar, like the ones I always have with my ex-girlfriend. Yea, the ones about me fucking things up.

Ivory: "U not gonna ask me how was my trip?"
Me: "How was your trip?"
Ivory: "Good, if it wasn't for the wedding, I'll not come back. But I also had things I wanted to settle.."
Me: "Like what?"
Ivory: "Like you.. I came back because of you."

The typical confession that makes me tongue tied. I start changing topics again and she's pissed about it.

Ivory: "What is wrong with you?"

I keep silent, then I bullshit about the whole commitment phobic thing again.

Me: "I seriously don't want to fuck up your life. I cant handle expectations well, seriously I don't want you to expect much from me."
Ivory: "I'm not! I just want us to hang out like we used to. I'm giving you your space, all I want is your attention and for you to sometimes spare a thought for me."
Me: "I'm just afraid of people getting too attached to me.. it makes me uncomfortable."

She tells me about the people who tried to hit on her that night at MoS and how she's been conversing with a couple of them. She says one of the caucasian guy stays in BKK and they've exchanged numbers. I say, "sounds good, I bet they're great in bed and they have huge dicks. So you won't need me." She stares VERY PISSED. I say, "Worst.Re..act..ion Ever.", doesn't aid matters. Whatever, if you have a stick up your ass and you can't take jokes, stay away from me.

Ivory: "Im not THAT into you.. Im not gonna kill myself or anything, you're not worth it, don't flatter yourself."
Me: "Well thats good."
Ivory: "I just hope that sometimes you'll say nicer things to me."

Ivory: "You know, I was looking forward to this all week long. And you just fucked it all up!"
Me: "..."
Ivory: "You're just weird, I dunno what is wrong with you. You're acting as if we're strangers.. I mean com'on, you fucked me!"

At this instant, the waiter serves the food. The poor boy is in shock and he after that, he goes to tell the other waiters. Im so sure about that, cos all of them were standing around STARING at us. That guy is going to be a snitch, we have to kill all snitches.

Me: "Okay you know what, I'm really sorry.. let's just erase the last 2 hours and start again. I have my PMS days"
Ivory: "Then don't fucking take it out on me."
Me: "Hey look, Im trying to make this better.. don't make this worse. I don't have a temper, but if you keep pushing it, you'll see it.

Then we go silent. In between i try to look very pissed and angry, while trying very hard not to laugh at the same time. I did the eye rolling thing quite a bit and considered for a moment if i should flare my nostrils. We said tons of stuff in-between. Alot of them bordering on couple talks, like about priorities and spending time together. Then I attempt to end it.

Me: "This talk is stupid, it's precisely why I don't want to be attached to anyone."
Ivory: "Yes I know, thats why I'm giving you space."
Me: "No seriously, if I'm screwing you up so badly and you don't think its worth it, then we should just move on. I really don't want anyone having expectations of me, cos I'm only good at fucking that up."
Ivory: "No you're not, I just said it so that I won't put pressure on you.."

I stare at her. Thank God she's paying for dinner. I should have gone for the fish instead of the carbonara. The whole fucking conversation is stupid and pointless. And she's constantly contradicting herself. Basically, she just wants me to know that as much as she's mad about me, she doesn't want that to be a pressure factor. I decide that I shall continue to be an asshole until I can figure a way to handle this, or for her to tire of me.

In another light, this could be the scenario between me and Minori. FUCK.

I piss her off even more when I tell her Im meeting the guys at night and that she can't come along. Of cos, I lie about it being a gathering and stuff. She's upset that I can't make time for her, and that I have my priorities wrong. I use my favourite line.


Its a good line. She backs off. Then of cos I end up bumping into MissBangs and the Jap MILF at MoS. The MILF is looking good, will like to fuck her, but...must...control. Well, so much about lying about the gathering. See, people should never lie, we end up getting caught for it.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Drunk Week

Bcos too many things happened this week, and nothing big in particular, i decide to sum everything up instead.

House party at SP's place. Its alot of fun like all house parties are except the fact that since its a friends gathering, nothing really wild or crazy is going to happen. What is ideal is a party with an equal number of girls and guys, low morals and lots of booze. The party had lots of booze though and it pretty much knocked some of the guys out. The one significant moment is MJ throwing up on himself and the guys having to clean him up.

Pappy, Dek, LB, RedBug and me head to MoS (again). LB and me don't need to pay or queue, and we managed to get the guys in without queuing, but they burn $30 on cover. Being favoured is a reason why we'll always patronize MoS now, plus the girls are fantastic.

We meet up with the two girls from the previous night. The thing about this two is that they attract ALOT of male attention. At any given time, there are at least 4 guys trying to pry them away from the other guys. Its a stupid scene, seeing the guys try to out woo one another. I hate competition and i HATE monopolizing, so I don't participate in the Alpha male 2006 contest thats forming up here.

This drunk guy with a funky foreign accent comes up to me and tells me to go grab WhiteGirl. His friend is vying for the attention of BlackGirl. Drunk guy introduces himself.. Jaw.

Jaw: "You know Jaws? The shark? Ya... only without the S"

Then he goes on teaching me how to have game.

Jaw: "Hey, no worries i'll guide yew. I work in clubs, I know how it works. Yew gotta go grab her man.. she wants yew."
Me: "Its ok.. really."
Jaw: "Hey, trust me man I know this shit, I got a girlfriend man."

He show me some pic of a girl on his phone. Its weird how people try to teach me to have game. Its me! I don't fucking need game. And coming from Jaw is pretty stupid. Firstly, this guy ain't good looking. The only thing that spells 'playa' in him is his wallet. He's short, maybe 165, has hair that went out of style in 1997 and he cant even dance.

He however, is very caught up in me. The whole night, he stands there talking to me and explaining how to pick chicks up. Then he starts buying me rounds of shots starting with a Sex On The Beach. I tell LB that he's more entertaining than the girls and i'm better off spending my night talking to him. Okay, i confess. As u guys all know... I'm a slut. I'm nice to anyone who buys me drinks consistently. For alcohol, I lower all sense of dignity.

Jaw keeps saying that he likes me, in the straight way. He tells me he thinks I'm cool, good looking, dance well and he loves my pony tail. Which is precisely why he sees it a personal duty to see that i get pussy. In 10 mins with him, i deduce that he has serious inferiority complex. Either alcohol gives serious defficiency in memory, or he feels the need to emphasize that he's cool, cos he has a chick. He also tells LB that he is VERY rich. From the way that he buys drinks for me and the others, I'll give him the benefit of doubt. I tell LB that I'm gonna squeeze him for drinks. He buys me another round of B52.

Jaw: "You want a drink?"
Me: "Nah... ok maybe just one."

Later, one guy in red suddenly taps me and offers me a beer. Freebies all night long? This is paradise, i must be dreaming~ !

RedGuy: "Hey, the girl in blue (WhiteGirl) is my girlfriend, the other one you guys can take."

Boring... I'd rather he tell me he thinks im cute and he wants to fuck me. I'd have probably given a better reaction.

Then the complex matter...

RedGuy leaves the place almost literally hugging BlackGirl. And WhiteGirl leaves the place in another guys car. A yellow Gallardo. For all u ignorant bastards, its a Lambo. At this point, you are suppose to be very impressed. Weird relationship they have.. so sneaky.

Not to be outdone, LB and me leave in the style. We pick the Mercs cab.


Ivory bought me dinner and a debacle followed. I'll write this in a seperate entry.

We head to Zouk for Dave Seaman. Big big group. Zeekay is back from his Shanghai trip and tells me i'll love the place. I wanna go.. hands up those who want to go too.

Zouk kinda blows now.

WhiteGirl keeps messaging to ask if I'm going down MoS. Which is dumb, cos even when i'm there we hardly talk. Too many trying males around. Im pretty smash going into MoS and the music is damn solid. No offence Seaman.. u suck.

WhiteGirl and BlackGirl are attention sluts basically. They get all this attention because they flirt with EVERYONE! And then they make it seem like its a hassle to get hit on by people. Actresses.. whatever.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Almost mind fucked

Its good to see MoS finally without an insane queue. Lee and me got there at 11.40 with a 30 men queue greeting us. Best welcome sign to date. The good news is that I actually know the door bitch. She was one of the girls LB hit on at O Bar. Fishing trip's kickbacks finally, I always knew we'll strike gold somewhere somehow. She says she'll try to get us the membership forms but if not, she'll always give us free entry. Thats the most romantic thing anyone's said all night.

I finally meet up with Eugg, since he's been back from Aussieland. The music at the main hall is TERRIBLE. Fucking retro! No wonder there isn't any queue. They're just going all out to rival Zouk, which is dumb. Singapore doesn't need anymore places to churn out finger poking, pattern dancing, lyrics imitating idiots. Its fun when you're 18, people need to move on by 19, but by 24 its just criminally obscene.

The chicks at MoS ain't too shabby. There's plenty of lookers even in a single theme room. LB starts chatting up this two girls, both very pretty and getting equally as much attention from other men. I'm not feeling well so I don't say a word. Another reason is cos Ivory is there with her friends, this sucks.

All night, LB is talking to the girl in white, but when he pops the phone no. question, he goes for the girl in black. Its the best twist storyline in the books, and it catches both girls off guard. I stare at the white one all night, and im pretty sure she's looking back. We finally talk just before they leave.

WhiteGirl: "Bye, if lucky, I'll see you around."
Me: "If not lucky?"
WhiteGer: "Then you can always call me."
Me: "With what?"

So sneaky, she just wants me to take her number. The BlackGirl gives LB her number too, except with the last digit missing, on purpose.

LB: "Quick, i'll try 0-3 Lee u try 4-6, Butterfly u try 7-9"

We start sending "You need a lift to Momo?" messages to random people. LB gets a quick reply. So we ended up waiting for them.

The night's pretty usual, except that we recognised a girl that was with Ivory's group, which turns out to be a friend of Ivory's big boob friend, MissBangs. The shit part is LB and me finally realising where and how we got to know her. We contemplate telling Lee, cos MissBangs sorta has the hots for him. Turns out to be not a good idea telling him.

Lee is mind fucked when we tell him that the friend is a ladyboy and we actually spoke to her awhile back. LB totally mind fucks him, and me. Lee remains silent throughout the car ride to Rivervalley, while we start making jokes about me going where no man has gone before. Not funny.

Ivory sends me an SMS: "You are so rude! Why you ignoring me in the club! I came all the way to see you." (sic)

Well apparently, Ivory just got back from the airport, jet lagged and all, comes all the way down to MoS to find me. And what did I do? Nothing. Which is the problem. I said probably less things to her than couples do to each other during sex. I kept a distance, didn't want to kiss her and said "my tongue has ulcers" when she asked if i missed her. I'm so bad with all these bullshit, they should stick to rhetorical questions like, "wanna fuck", "can i give u head", "second round?" blah blah blah..

I have second thoughts to go over to find her, after the whole ordeal. The possibility of them being men before, the probability of her ignoring me, all just too daunting. Lee, still mind fucked, lashes out at LB which was pretty amusing.

We go find them anyway, and true to my prediction, she ignores me. LB laughs cos this happens alot. I'm probably only good for two things, kissing and pissing people off. LB and me continue discussing where we met the ladyboy friend, who is TOTALLY cold towards us. Fuck her, if she can't take the attention and questioning.

When Ivory leaves with her in a cab, we probe MissBangs about her. She gives a sneaky grin when she asks us how we knew her and we told her, "we're widely travelled". It gave the whole thing away, and plus I actually remembered the letter of her name. Yep, certified.

Lee is still mind fucked. We let him be. They tell him the good news that upon further investigation and deduction, she's a woman. Most probably. Its now an amber light for him to fuck her. Two options,

a) Go for it, then check later..
b) Check first then decide later.

LB and Lee think A is a better option. I'll almost always rather pick option B, considering that I've been through A before, the thrill of the discovery is NEVER exciting. Of cos, we're basing her sexuality largely on the fact that she has a post-op transexual girlfriend, how many women can boast to that?

I warn Lee anyway.. the mental scar is a permanent one.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

The New Years Countdown

Having never been to a foam party before, and hearing rather positive feedbacks from various sources, I decide that i shall end my year jumping around a makeshift pool with hundreds of other half naked strangers. It sounds good already. Water, foam, girls and music, quite the ingredient for sucess.

The only down side is, every other sleazy fuck face douche bag guy has the same idea. Signs that were telling of a disaster as we get there.

a) The place is packed with an uncanny domination of one gender
b) The whatever remains of the female population generally fell under 'Short, fat, flat and ugly'
c) Possibly a mass Bangladeshi excursion

I can figure out the first two phenomenons. Firstly, as i tell LB and Dek, "Any self respecting woman will not be here." That is to say, any woman with a decent sex life and attraction will not need to come for a foam party in hope of getting groped. Secondly, men are low life scums. Foam parties are calender events to outrightly challenge the limits of molestation. If i had a girlfriend, I'll NEVER bring her within 10metres of a foam party. That place is easily filled with closet molesters. I'll get into this later.

Its new year, i shant even be racist, but certain things i have to say. The foam pool is roughly the size of an Olympic sized pool. At any given time, I'm guessing theres about 200plus people in the sand pit of a pool. Of this, Bangladeshi's have enough number to legitimately register as a third gender. You know their ambiguity if u've been to Serangoon Road. I got fucking groped by them!

I don't blame them, considering that there was probably 20 females in there, the 10:1 ratio means that if you cant have the girls, then going for the pretty boys with the long hairs are the next best alternative. We are easily one of the best looking people in the pool, i guess its only norm then that I get grope, by men.

Let me break down how the whole foam-molest thing works. Firstly, a male (im not being racist, but u guys should know who im referring to), will stalk the prey (generally a woman). He stands behind her and waits for her to charge into the foam as it falls down, of which the hands fly out swiftly. I see this girl groped by at least 5 guys with her bikini top in disarray as she emerges from the foam. And this girl is FAT and UGLY. I'm serious, I won't even poke her with a stick and any self respecting male shouldn't too, but i guess foam parties are Communist products, they give ugly people a chance to feel normal.

Some fuck tries to pickpocket Dek and gets caught by him. There was a fight in the foam pool, with one group beating up the non-chinese guy. The dickhead was bleeding from the temple, nose and mouth. Thats what happens when you molest another man's meat. We counted down to a sombre NY..yawn. Then head to KM8 for Space Ibiza. Two words. 'No.people'. Thank God we didn't go there in the beginning.

On the whole, Sentosa blows. We left at about 2am for Rochester Drive to meet Draco and some other friends. Along the way we pull up to this Tuscani with two chicks in there. We start smiling at them and they wave back, so i make conversation. Since one of them was pretty cute from where i was sitting.

Me: "Where you guys headin' "
GirlDriver: "We're going to makan. Prata."
Me: "What? So early? Not partying?"
GirlDriver: "No, going to eat at Pasir Panjang, wanna join us? My friends are up ahead waiting for us.."

The light turns green and LB speeds off. Maybe people are only friendly during new year.

We end up heading to Loof after Rochester to meet another group of girls, then 15mins later, we head to Zouk with Flower and the other girls. Since its New Years Eve, Flower cant sign me in which means i have to pay $38 to enter the place at 3.30am, but she introduces me to a group of girls, some of whom i've already met cos they're Eugg's friends too. Lee comes out to find me and tells me the music is awesome. Dek and LB aren't too keen on going in, i say "Fuck it, I'm going in..". Perhaps the best move all night.

I go in to find Lee and my other friends playing 5-10 over Long Island. I'll seriously deliberatley fuck up every round just to drink it. With enough fuel, we head to the dance floor. The last thing i'll want is to fuck a random chick on NYE, so I'm strictly dancing tonight. It always helps that the DJ is playing really hard music, and I mean REALLY hard.

4.56am: LB suggest we stay till 10am. I think its a swanky idea. I start cheering.
5.20am: Dek says Macs breakfast at 7am. I think its a good idea. I start cheering.
6.06am: All of us are tired, we head back. I think its a great idea. Im too tired to cheer.

Given a chance, I'd say i won't want it any other way. Although the foam party stank really bad, literaly also, I always wanted to know how it felt. Now i can say, "Been there, done that, got my ass groped, nothing to shout about really."