Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Magnificent 9

I've never been on vice call up with such a big turnout before so I'll keep the intro short. Most of the fishermen here are regulars, LB, Round Eyes, MJ, Pappy, Deck, Poks, Squint, Totti and me.

The original plan was to head to BS which LB had booked in advanced, but a delayed dinner and slow traffic saw us reaching at 8.40pm. We're 10mins late, and our room was given out. Bitch.. I'm bored cos it looked like the night was beginning to spiral downwards. We peeked into the rooms. Ugly. This is a blessing in disguise.

The new destination was a place at Cuppage centre.

9.35pm - We reach the place. Everyone is there already except for MJ.
9.42pm - The Mummy comes in to intro herself. A short haired auntie in funny top and jeans. she looks like the coffee auntie at coffee shops. She probably takes drink orders in here as well. All she needs is the pouch.
9.50pm - LB suggest that we go by an order system to select the gals. We all choose a number from 1-8 and we have to take the girls that comes into the room in that order. Its all about chance..

Here's the order..
1. Squint
2. Totti
3. Pappy
4. Butterfly (me)
5. Poks
6. Deck
7. Round Eyes
8. LB

10.07pm: First 3 gals walks in. First gal is a tall Malay girl in a black dress. Too fancy and looks troublesome to remove. She moves to sit with Squint. 2nd gal is also a Malay. Quite a pretty face. She goes to Totti.

3rd gal comes in. This gal is a monster. She's short and round and her teeth is funny. I think she's brought in scare us or to make the first two look good. Good tactic on the mamasan's part. Pappy is forced to take her.

10.08pm: Pappy breaks the rule and request for a change. It creates an uproar amongst us.
10.09pm: Appeal accepted, Pappy breathes a sigh of relief and he gets to have another chance to erect for the night.
10.11pm: Squint's gal is complaining he is too decent.

You have to actually see Squint to understand why she's complaining. He has the enthusiasm of a castrated monk. The girl had her hand under his berms and he is still sitting there with his arms folded. He is visibly uncomfortable and we tell him to just make small talk. This girl is not the monster Pappy had to face with so we don't understand why he's reacting this way.

10.14pm: Squint is still not talking to her.. I hear her say something about raping him.

10.18pm: Gal no.4 comes in. Chinese gal.. not bad looking. Looks like a gal we know. LB tells me she's pretty but she's not my type. I don't change cos she's by far the best of the now remaining 3.
10.24pm: Gal No.5 and 6 comes in. Pappy quickly grabs no.5 which is meant for Poks. No. 6 is left hanging. Poks and Dek don't want her. No.6 is huge! She probably ate up no.7 as well. She's a Great white shark and her ass is spelt CELLULITE. No.5 on the other hand looks so slim next to her, but apart from the face, her body is like a Gummy bear. She's really round and I think Pappy chose her because the Mummy brought in No.6 as another scare tactic. It fucking works.

I make small talk with my gal who has really raspy voice. I can't remember her name but I keep thinking of Bryan Adams when she speaks. I'll call her Bryan. Bryan is the only Chinese gal in the room and she's mandarin speaking. Guys who know me know that my Mandarin, while fast improving is best kept to the "How are you's" and "What are u doing now's". Raspy voice is a turn off for me. It's not the sexy low toned voice, it's the Bryan Adam's straining his voice on long notes kinda raspy.

10.40pm: We get downgraded to another room. Bryan's a butterfly cos she keeps going off. I'm so fucking changing her. Thank god I've not groped her or anything.

I go to the toilet and I see this damn pretty gal, only that her butt's an inheritance from Queen Latifah. She's really bottom heavy, but her face is redeeming enough.

10.49pm: The next gal comes in and she's meant for Poks. At first glance, she's ok cos she's passed the BMI test. Apparently she's one of the majority tonight that is heeding the Govt's advice to maintain a BMI below 25, but she's taking it to an extreme, cos she's really thin, her BMI is like 12. She looks like a Cambodian Refugee, has quite a bad overbite and her tooth gaps are bad.

People, I'm not being bitchy or critical, I'm simply reporting it as it is. I look at her and I think of starving children. Poks is complaining that she's too thin. She makes a great poster gal for starvation. I see her and I feel guilty for eating the crabs and all for dinner. We should have saved some for her.

10.53pm: I didn't realise but Deck's gal is sitting with him already. She looks very decent. Long hair, braces, speaks very well. I thought she was the receptionist.

11pm: Round Eyes' and LB's girls come. Round Eyes hits JACKPOT! Its the girl that I saw earlier on. Everyone is making noises. WE want her too! LB's gal is a plump girl, so he rejects her. Poks saves her cos he wants to trade his scarecrow for her. Which is good cos she needs her dinner.

Now, all but LB, Squint and Me has a gal. Squint leaves early. MJ comes. He wants a gal too. His first girl I honestly cannot remember because I was too busy drinking as much as I can. I need to be drunk in case my new gal falls into the reject groups category. LB's gal comes. Another Malay. Are they are trying to balance the ethnicity ratio here?

11.17pm: We start playing dice games. Loser strips a piece of clothing.
11.23pm:Too many guys playing and it's dumb cos I don't really want to see the guys strip. I just want Round Eye's girl to lose. She says she's going to the toilet and never returns. That Bitch.
11.26pm: My replacement girl comes. Chinese gal. Ah Lian pattern. Sits down quietly behind me.

ME: "You want to play?"
Ah lian: "I have faith in you."

Say what? What wrong with the above conversation? Ah lian here obviously failed her conversational English lessons. She replies incoherently. I believe she's either

a) drunk so she cant reply properly
b) deaf from the blaring sound system
c) mandarin speaking.

I pick option C, cos I rephrase it in Mandarin and she replies "I don't know how to play". Just wonderful, I'm paying for a mandarin lesson again. She starts checking me for tattoos, I don't know why, but she doesnt have one, which is a minus point for me. Cos tattoos absofuckinglutely turns me on.

Anyway, Ah Lian here makes up for her inadequacies with her violent nature. She gets the ball rolling by sitting on me and attempting to remove my shirt. I hate being taken advantage of so I remove her shirt too. (her responses and looks remind me sooo much of another friend.. *chills*). I lock her arms behind her cos she's trying to tickle me. Tickling is always a good way to accidentally grope people. Guys, take note.

She fights back and tries to suffocate me with her boobs. Thankfully I have the lungs of a 5 year old and I'm out of breath in a matter of seconds so I bite her boobs to get her off me. My instinct is for survival, morals have to wait. She goes to unbutton my jeans. I grab her and lift her up, she surrenders, shouting nasty words at me like "Stop" "Enough" "I don't want.." words like that turn me off.

The fuckers are enjoying a free show. It's ok cos most of their girls are away anyway. She puts her shirt back and tells me she needs to entertain another client. The room is empty of the gals.. except for Pappy's gummy bear. She's in the contention for long service award.

12.20am: MJ changes his gal.
12.30am: I go back into the room and Dek's gal is stripping to her undies. She goes to the front to do a dance. I see tattoos, lots of em' but I also see too much waist. Thankfully, she's still under the 25 limit so its ok.
12.33am: She gives Dek a lap dance.
12.34am: The other 3 gals give Totti, Poks and Pappy a lap dance too.
12.35am: I tell Ah Lian " Oei Kai Gong Lei" (translated as " Oei Start work lei) I decide to say it in her native tongue cos I didn't want a "oh i just had my dinner, thanks" reply to spoil the atmosphere. Ah Lian gives in to my request.

12.37am: I look at the others. Pappy's girl's top is down. Totti's girl's boobs are out too. I look at Poks, his girl's top is off too. Dek is just next to me. I glance and I see two distinct papayas. I need to catch Ah Lian up to speed on the latest trends and from wat I see, topless is the in thing.

I get them off in a slow 18secs... spoiling one of her buttons along the way. I tell her she needs velcro shirts cos im bad with buttons.

12.44am: Hanky Panky ends. The girls are called by the Mummy to go to another room.
12.47am: Back to singing. Which is so boring comparatively. I yawn to show my disdain.
12.50am: Mj's new gal comes in, she's quite hot figure wise.
12.51 am: We are on the issue about Dek kissing his gal, cos I saw her lips plastered to his face. We explain why we NEVER kiss.

Dek: "Cannot kiss meh?"
Poks: "Of cos not lah!"
Me: "Yah, I don't think you should"
Dek: "Why not?"
Poks: "Cos you dunno how men she's blown tonight!"

Dek is hysterical. Honestly, I didn't think of it that aspect until Poks said it cos I was thinking more of the symbolic intimacy of kissing, but I now see it in a whole new dimension. I tell Dek that they are sure to listerine themselves but I can't imagine if u start kissing and suddenly u feel pubes hair in your mouth. Dek is a disturbed soul tonight.

1.14am: MJ's gal is stepping it up. I can't see shit cos I'm sitting too far.
1.15am: She's straddling him and his top is off
1.16am: Her top is off. Finally, something we actually want to see. She's got on some funky bra. I don't really care cos to me, a bra should never stay on for long anyway. MJ comments on how much he thinks her bra is interesting. I say the same thing all the time, when I can't figure out how to remove a bra. Her body is great.

1.28am: Ah Lian comes back. She somehow wants to put her hands into my jeans. I'm very familiar with this by now. It's like Déjà Vu.
1.29am: I retaliate less since she already allowed me to do it on her.
1.30am: She gets my buttons off and forces her hand in. Been there done that. It's all so familiar.
1.31am: Too rough, she scratches me and I'm in pain. I refuse to let her in anymore.
1.32am: She tells me she'll be gentle and we start another negotiation on having her hands in my pants again. What's it with these girls?
1.33am: I tell her I have a dick the size of a pencil eraser cos I'm on Estrogen pills and I'll be having a sex operation soon. I point to my lack of an Adam's apple as evidence. She says I look like a girl.

Me: "Can you stop trying to play with my dick! I don't have one!"
Ah Lian: "Never mind, I can finger you."

Suprisingly, I said this in English and she actually answered me perfectly well.

Me: "Ok but $40"

She stares at me with the 'that's not funny look'.

Me: "So.Not.Funny.Your.Reaction....Whatever."

It totally does not help and she's not even the slightest bit amused. I guess I'm not that funny after all.

The guys urge me on, so I sit over her in a mock attempt to get her to blow me. I think I know what she's actually trying to do.

1.42am: the shows over. My girl is going off again. She calls my name out just before leaving.

Me: "Eh, then what's your name?"
Ah Lian: "Name is ask before 12am after that cannot ask liao wor."
Me: "Ok, I'll call you Durian then."
Ah Lian: "Durian? Why not papaya?"
Me: "Cos you are not her (I point to Dek's girl. To her boobs specifically) you're lucky I'm not calling u grapes."

I get into a slang-fest with Dek's girl cos her English slang is getting on me. I irritate the shit out of Dek, Ah Lian and Dek's girl, whom I shall call TheContortionist, with my China accent. Most of my friends should have heard it by now. It's fucking irritating. I start making comments about Malaysian accents.

Ah Lian: "No, they don't speak like that."
Me: "Yes they do! I go over to the causeway to stock up on chewing gum and they speak just like that."
Ah Lian: "Rubbish..."
Me: "My regular DVD seller always tells me, 'my DVD's Ji cheap wor...'"

Ah Lian is visibly pissed for reasons unknown to me. I must be drunk to not piece the puzzle. She is Malaysian and it takes me till the end of the night to figure it out. Well, I didn't actually figure it out. She specifically told me "I'm going back to JB" and the Forrest Gump in me said, "huh so late got shops meh... ohhhhh.. ooops.."

I'll fast forward to the highlight of the night.

I go take a piss and I come back into the room.

1.56am: Round Eyes apparently tells TheContortionist to entertain him. She answers his request, by stripping..

All I heard her say was, "Strip then strip la!" and next I know, I'm having ring side seats to She strips, the shirts go off, the skirts follow, the bra comes off too and next we have the panties. This is the best 15mins all night long. I see what looks like a birthmark on her ass but it turns out to just be a smudged tattoo. (Yes you read it right, a SMUDGED tattoo!) She's not the best body in the room, but being naked obviously pushes her to the top.

Everyone's eyes is on her. I see the waiter coming in to clear the drinks taking a glance at the corner of his eye. What a pervert. TheContortionist starts giving Dek a lap dance. A real stripper certified lap dance. I now think back and feel cheated by my kindergarten topless lap dance just now, of which I had to undress her. Dek is like the birthday boy. The spotlight is on him.

Contortionist is the best party girl, EVER. She wants us to pour ice on her. Poks, Totti and Round Eyes are having box sits to this show, and they're participating with the ice. They desperately try to erect her lady bits. This ladies and gentlemen, is the shit! My next stop is obviously to a strip club. Dek is lost and he is sitting there with his hands to his side. We prompt him to grab her ass. We are safety oriented, holding a girl is a MUST for lap dances cos the gals are prone to falling off. Dek goes for the boobs. I'm guessing it's one of the approved safety grab spots.

It's over in couple of minutes. Contortionist gets dress and shows us some freaky shit. She puts BOTH legs over her head! I'm seriously freaked out by this stunt. I was totally unprepared for Cirque Du Soleil and now all we need is Pappy's gummy bear to do amazing leaps with her Gummyberry juice and we've got ourselves a circus.

It looks like she's being decapitated and contorted to fit into a box. She says sex in this position is mind blowing for the gal. I'm freaked out. I cannot fuck anyone in that position. I'm too freaked out to even fucking erect. MJ starts bombarding her with sex questions. Dek is disturbed cos he is limp. Apparently, he was limp for the entire ordeal. He's afraid it's spoilt.

Pappy's girl is still seating there with him. She's the runaway winner for long service award. MJ's gal is really familiar. She tells MJ her sob story of her family and how she needs the money. She needs to be in Griffindor for her courage in facing this cruel world by being in this trade.

Me: "You look really familiar." ( I tell alot of people this, but its not my pick up line.)
MJ's gal: "Cineleisure.. I saw you at cineleisure.."

For a moment I panicked. I'm just worried if she's part of a second degree of separation, but she assures me that she doesn't know me. Good. Case close, mystery solved.

2.28am: The mummy comes in to tell us the place is closing and tells us to 'look after the gals'. Its the industry's way of saying "You groped my girls for the night.. now pay up!"
2.30am: I slip all the cash I have with me, which is way below the standard tip. I am getting good at bargaining. She doesn't complain and I revel at getting away for being cheap. The guys tip independently.
2.33am: We leave.

We head for supper at Rivervalley and to discuss the next destination over it. Pappy is MIA. I hear the guys say he's sending the gal back. Whatever. Sadly for me, the night ends after supper, although some of us was in favour to head to Chinablack, cos Reznor joined us for supper and said the place was rather happening tonight, but some of the other guys wanted to head back cos they were tired.


Thursday, August 25, 2005

Drunk Friends Stories

The Fastest Birthday Celebration

The award here goes to my dear friend Blaque (pronounced Black). Blaque's not the best drinker you'll find, he's not even a decent drinker, however he makes up for it with lotsa courage and very little brains to say "I've had enough".

3 years ago, he threw a birthday in Eastside at Mhd Sultan Rd. Very much the regular party.. booze.. friends.. vomit.

11.00pm: I get to the place with some other friends, Blaque's already there. From what I hear he only just got there.
11.04pm: Some guy buys a round of tequila. Blaque takes a shot.
11.07pm: We have a round of burbon. We open a bottle. Blaque takes a pussy sip. I believe osmosis is how he takes his liqour.
11.13pm: Some wise crack buys a shot of Barcardi 151. Blaque takes a whiff and refuses to even kiss the damn cup.
11.16pm: Reznor sponsors a flaming lambo. Blaque in the spirit of his birthday, drinks it. Bad move.
11.17pm: Lee comments that Blaque is high.. yes I can see it too. He is uttering rubbish and irritating the shit out of Lee. His jokes are not funny but he is laughing the shit out of it himself. Everything is amusing to him. I'm so afraid a dancing teletubbie might just pop up behind the counter and Blaque might just die laughing from it. I know CPR though, might help.

11.18pm: They all cash in on his lowered self defense and pour him more drinks. Honestly, I think he just had two more glasses max. Pussy sips as usual then the "ewww its bitter" look. I've never seen anyone look more tortured drinking alcohol than him.

11.30pm: Blaque is lying outside the club by the road, giving the pavement a blowjob.
11.31pm: Blaque is lifeless and response to "Are you ok?" by drooling and moaning, which is perfectly fine cos it's an honest way of saying "I'm fucked dude, get me home".
11.36pm: Blaque MERLIONS on the curb. Veggies... Yup, we know for sure he didn't drink on an empty stomach.
11.40pm: I drive Blaque back. End of party.

I've never been to a party that lasted 32mins. The plan was to actually celebrate past midnight cos it was his birthday the next day. We almost made it.

You'd think the ordeal ends for me? NOT A FUCK CHANCE. I was so fucking worried he'd puke in my car that I sped back to his place. Now the challenge. To get a 65kg man out of my car and up to the 5th floor.

Blaque was a total ass every time I pulled him out of the car and he'd scramble back in. this goes on for at least 5 times. When I finally did get him up, he'd just lay on the ground. He ABSOLUTELY refused to co-operate. When I carried him in my arms, he'd just slump to the other side, pushing me away. Great, and he even gave out burps to warn of his impending vomits.

Worried, I decided to remove my shirt to carry him. BAD idea. Two Bangras walking by (holding hands) saw us and smiled. I bet they thought it's something kinky the Chinese do in the middle of the night below the void deck at the rubbish chute area. They fucking smiled at me as if to acknowledge and support whatever I was trying to do. I shot them the "this is not what you fucking think.." look.

The army thought me well. Firemen lift is the best way to carry a person. Blaque was fucking uncomfortable cos he was moaning VERY loudly as I carried him. We got in the lift and he was still moaning. I knew he was in pain cos his crotch was pressing against my shoulders. Potency is least on my mind here, not when the primary objective was to get him back. I hear viagra is a wonder drug. He'll understand..

So a half naked me, carrying a moaning man on my back into a house. What a sight for the conservative heartland. Anyway, Blaque had no fucking clue how he got back and he actually had the nerve to call me the next day to complain about the pain in his lower abdomen and that whoever carried him back wasn't gentle enough.

The Second Shortest Birthday Celebration

Blaque wins this again.. it's a clean sweep for him when it comes to short parties.

This is the following year.

10:53pm: We reach Sugar (at Mohd Sultan)
11:11pm: WE specifically tell Blaque to STAY AWAY from the drinks till 12 midnight.
11:20pm: We open two bottles
11:48pm: The bottles are fast emptying.. only 12mins more.
12:00mn: Blaque makes it past midnight. We celebrate for him.

12:15am: Bottles are empty. Blaque is really high. He wants two more bottles of vodka.

Blaque: (to the waitress) "I want two bottles of vodka how much?"
Waitress: "$168 for Smirnoff and $188 for Absolute"
Blaque: "I want two bottles of vodka..."
Waitress: "So which do you want?"
Blaque: "I want 2 bottles of vodka!" ( he shows her the 2 with his fingers. I'm actually holding him.)
Waitress: "Erm.. yes i know.. but which one do u want? Smirnoff or Absolute?"
Blaque: (visibly and audibly pissed off) "I just want two bottles of vodka!"
Waitress: (she looks at me)
Blaque: (he looks at me.. really pissed) "Butterfly, can yew jus farrking tell her I want two bottles of vodka!?"

It's pretty clear.. he's wasted..AGAIN.

12:46am: Blaque is outside the club sitting on the steps drooling. His eyes are closed and he's holding a cup of tea. Its fucking hilarious if you actually see it in person.
12:51am: I know that familiar sight. Its the Exercise cut signal..

I'd say it was a big improvement.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Christine a.k.a ICE story

Well, before I continue with this story, I want you all to know that this took place a long time ago. My disclaimer here blatantly states that, I am not mean and we were highly drunk on boredom. Believe me, we've moved on since then.

Ok this was the start of the Vice Squad, long before our fishing trips even came into motion. And after Zouk one fateful night, 4 assholes, LB, Reznor, Vinzy and me decided to head down to Changi Village. For the uninitiated, CV is Singapore's resident zone for housing transvestites / transsexuals. Its basically Geylang with dicks, Adam's apples, and deep voices.

So the 4 horsemen headed over to CV at about 3plus. The place was quiet by then. I believe they usually knockoff soliciting at 5am and it was already fast approaching 4am. We drove a few rounds then parked at the carpark. Once out, LB and I wasted no time in chasing up to them. A couple of em' rolled their eyes at us (they are such spectacles that they become used to irritating idiots like us bugging them)

Anyway, we saw this one chick who was actually pretty good looking. Chinese, shorter than us (most there are suspected former national basketball players) and most importantly, sitted alone. I walked pass her a couple of times then broke the whole thing with a smile. FYI, they can be mean muthafucka's. Imagine a woman on big time PMS with a dick and strength of a man. They absolutely take no shit from people disturbing them.

Thankfully, LB and me are seasoned ladyboy killers. WE are masters when it comes to talking rubbish. I made some small talk with her and asked for her name. She gave a cold reply. "ICE"
So we walked off and headed back to the car. End of the night as it seemed, and it almost would have been, had a terrible idea not crept into one of our heads. I seriously cant remember who suggested it but the response was in unison.

Unknown: "Eh, lets pay her to strip for us!"
ALL: "OK!!"

So the thing now was how were we actually going to pitch the whole thing. It was decided on whim that Reznor was going to drive and I was going to do the talking. The price we were prepared to offer was $40. Simple, even I can't mess this up.

So we drove pass and I popped my head out to run a negotiation with her.

Me: "Eh, I want you to strip for $20, can?"
Ice: "Cannot lah!"
Me: "okok $40?" ( I'm real bad with figures and the guys informed me that $30 actually comes before $40. Point taken.)

She finally agreed and she hopped into the back seat with Vinzy and LB and directed us to this secluded spot where they all did their hanky panky misdemeanour.

She finally introduced herself as Christine. That was way better than Ice. Christine started massaging my shoulders while giving off LOUD sex sighs. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot be out done in this aspect. I'm the king of feign sex sighs! Christine's voice was androgynous but I still heard bass in them.

We reached the spot but we were too embarrassed to tell her to start stripping so we decided to break the ice (no pun intended) with casual small talk. LB asked if she could bring anyone of us back, who would she choose.

Christine: "huh.. "*half feminine giggle* ( I was looking for the adam's apple) "I dunno lah.. the one wearing red loh." (Which was me). *more massage and seductive sighs*

They broke out into laughter and suggested she blow me there and then. I'd bite my tongue if I ever allowed it to happen. It was time. We came for a purpose and she demanded we hand her the cash first in case we leave her high and dry. Experience speaking out I guess.

We turn down the lights cos she was shy (oh pls.. the virginal coy play is overtly done) and she proceeded to strip.

Vinzy: "Real one anot?"
Christine: "Of cos real lah! You got see breast implants so small one meh?!" (she grabs LB n Vinzy's hand to cup her boobs)

LB and Vinzy looked liked Kobe Bryant on the baseball pitched. They were entirely out of place and out of words, cos they were looking straight in front with a 'hmm what the fuck do i do now' look and their hands were still cupping the boobs. Everyone was keeping a straight face.

Vinzy: "hmm quite soft leh". ( yes we say the lamest things when we are nervous ).

Christine demanded we all have a go in a valiant bid to prove that they were real. Apparently hormonal injections are quite effective.

LB: "Eh below leh?"
Christine: "Cannot lah! haven't... "
LB: "Chee Bye!!! Then your kuku bird bigger than mine how?!"

The show was over and none of us were really prepared to see a dick tonight, so she proposed blowing one of us for free. EVERYONE dashed out of the car in what was probably the World Record for simultaneous car alighting.

Everyone was pointing fingers.. "blow him.. blow him" and to make matters worse, Christine was dead serious about it that she actually thought we were playing scissors paper stone to chose who got to have head.

We broke her heart and told her we didn't want it and that we'd rather play out the time by just talking.

Me: "What's your real name ah? "
Christine: "Crazy.. Cannot tell u lah!"
Me: "Okok First letter?"
Christine: "J"
We start rattling off names: "Joseph! Joe! Johnson! John! Jason!"
Vinzy: "Jonathan!" * Christine giggles*
In unison: "Jonathan?!" *everyone breaks out into laughter*

Its weird that when you know a person's real name, it changes the whole dynamics of how we view them. I started picturing Jonathan in short cropped hair in his school uniform singing Majulah Singapura and taking a piss at the urinal.
And great, we just had our hands on her breast.

I think it was one of the stupidest things we did out of impetus in awhile. I have a picture of Christine at hand but too many evil deeds been done. I'll post it on my PMS days..

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Rules of Engagement

To be honest, the rules are made up through time as we learn from haunting errors of our past. No we aren't repenting and giving up fishing, its too good a hobby for now. Call it a correctional facilitation if you may.

Saturday night fishing at Chinablack was what I considered a classroom lesson, revising us on the 101's of fishing. The basics of which we totally skipped and are now paying the price. The players answering the call of duty was Pappy (lead fisherman for the night), Reznor, MJ ( a padawan, seduced by our dark arts) and me.

Apart from Rule no.1 about the Queues at clubs and entry before 11.30, the rule coined tonight was "if u like, approach yourself". Pappy is ON FIRE. He is the man carrying the team tonight. MJ our dear padawan is still fresh at the sport and is reserved for now. Reznor is hooking up with a couple of Malay girls so he's pretty much detached from us. We don't join him cos the that group is un-wingmanable. Nothing racist here folks. I still celebrate Racial Harmony day religiously every year, and I eat Mee Soto and Prata at least once a week.

Pappy was shot down. We figured the approach was too hasty. He totally skipped the basic rules of eye contact and smiling and went straight for the drinks bribery section.

Me: "So what did u ask them?"
Pappy: "Do u guys wanna drink"
Me: "You got their names?"
Pappy: "Nope didn't ask."
Me: "What the...? u didn't intro? '
Pappy: "Nope, must I?"

I'm pretty bad with the whole pickup business or antics, but I think the basics of any engagement is to first know your enemy. Whatever it was, Pappy had loads of balls cos he stepped up for MJ to talk to this girl with a whole bunch of "butchers". She's probably twisted herself too so I wasn't too keen on the idea.

Pappy repeated the mistakes again throughout the night. I don't know if it was cos he was half hearted in asking that he brushed off the entire fucking introductory module, or he just didn't think trivial introduction was worth the time.

Pappy: "Wanna drink?"
Twisted girl with butches: "I'm fine, thanks"
Pappy: *walks off*

We agreed that we shouldn't be doing anyone else's deeds cos if the interest isn't there, the conversations end pretty fast.

I looked at Reznor who was getting it on with the Malay girl. He introduced her. I looked at her and my scan stopped at her mouth. I had found Ronaldinho's sister. I'll swear on the uncanny resemblance. It's not even funny and I was not even scanning to her boobs anymore.

An okay pussy is better than no pussy, but no pussy is better than bad pussy.

Friday, August 19, 2005

A Crazy Bitch

There was this one girl that totally scared the shit out of me so much, that would I actually passed off sex just to be able to get home.

For privacy matters I shall not disclose names or where she works. I'll name her Kay.

I met Kay while having some drinks at a pub with Reznor. Reznor is one of our regular fisherman who attends our vice meetups religiously. Right, so here we are having a drink and happily chatting when Kay intrudes most unceremoniously into my life. She was a bartender and her cleavage was staring right at us as she poured us our drink. I'd say a C, could be a well faked B, but I've been conned way too often to believe everything I see thats supported.

Anyways, Kay was witty to boot. I commented on her being familiar and she shot back.

Me: "You look really familiar.." (no it's not some pickup attempt.. I'm really bad with faces and she looks so familiar.)
Kay: (strikes a DIVA pose) "Maybe in some American Porn movie? "

So, witty gal, nice boobs, a passable ass and a face that was basking in mediocre delight. Reznor suggested that we asked them out after their work ended and head to where ever they (Kay and her friend.. who is ouch hot..) wanted. I was fine with how things were going, so I continued our small talk and Kay told me I looked like this Taiwanese Singer/Host.

In the ensuing moment of me accepting her compliment, She BIT me. I can't really remember why I actually allowed her to do so but I'm attributing it to the cleavage. It fucks up my reflex actions. The bite was fucking deep and the site was swelling. I was in pain.

We actually moved off to another club before coming back to find them at 2am. Some debate on where to go and we eventually settled for Devil's Bar.

Once in the club I complained to her about her bite mark, of which her reply was that I was marked for the night, cos I was her property now. Things got hotter as she started grinding her ass into my thigh and stuff which I was really uncomfortable with. I teased back and she kissed me on the cheeks.

Me: "Can't wash face AGAIN tonight"

She grinned and I was pretty sure this one was ripped for the picking.

We finally decided to leave cos it was boring as hell and techno wasn't my shit. Leaving was actually a ruse for her to get everyone else to leave. Then as we started to walk, she pulled me back in on pretext that she wanted to drink some more. Reznor came back to find me but left shortly. Now, we were finally alone.

We started talking about general stuff but it was running late and I was getting tired.

4.38am: we make small talk.. and she says something about having a bigger dick than me and she grabbed my crotch
4.39am: I respond "ya lah ya lah"
4.41am: she grabs my package again and nods
4.42am: I fight back to protect my dignity, briefly rub her crotch and go, "ya lah yours bigger" ( hey she started it!)
4.46am: She suddenly stares at me. " You know i feel like slapping you?"
4.47am: thinking she was playing I replied, "hannah hannah..."
4.48am: She's Still staring.. "you know its damn rude?!" I'm lost for words. Did I go too far?
4.49am: my apology starts....
4.53am: still going "sorry lah"..
4.54am: Kay's still in contention for Longest Stare at a Club or Pub in the Guiness World Record.
4.56am: Feeling damn uneasy but she finally breaks the silence.. "you know *the person she says i look like* is my idol? Can u not spoil my image of him?". Horkay, this girl is getting alittle too mental for me. She's actually taking me for him?!?! In case you are wondering, the guy im suppose to look like is 'Xiao Zu a.k.a Luo Zhi Xiang', he's a Taiwanese singer cum host. Whatever.

4.57am: She attempts to put her hand INSIDE MY PANTS!! She actually lifts my shirt and tries to unbuckle my belt! I fucking had to wrestle her hand out! And she had the fucking nerves to shout at me, "Can you just FUCKING relax!" Hello psycho bitch! And all this while there were 4 guys just next to us!
4.58am: Horkay! My psycho warning system is a little slow on detection but Miss Psycho here has her freak score way off the charts.

We finally left and I have to send her home as a gesture of goodwill and diplomacy.

5.43am: I was driving and she attempted to put her hands into my pants again!! I swerved a little, shocked at what was happening and she shouted the same lines to me, "Just fucking relax can?!" Of cos not! Can anyone? I was so scared that she'd squeeze my balls to kill me.

5.45am: She attempts the stunt again with the same line. I feel like a routine to retaliate.

5.52am: I reached her place and she looked at me with that same demanding eyes. I knew what was coming to me..
5.53am: I leaned back, grabbed the side of my seat and bit my lips, as she forced her way into my pants.
5.54am: The ordeal was over. I opened my eyes. She was still staring..
5.55am: She said goodbye, but was still in my car
5.56am: She's still saying she's leaving..
5.57am: She kissed me, I kissed back and I groped her boobs, only cos I really deserve it for the trauma I've been subjected to. She's the WORST kisser I've had in my life. I mean, she's really REALLY bad. I don't know if she was trying to swallow me or bite me or just simply doing both. Multi tasking is not always good ladies and gentlemen..

6.02am: Yup, she still hasn't left although she kept saying goodbye. Im not an idiot and I knew she was waiting for me to make a move. I absolutely refused to get her contact and I hoped we never meet again.
6.05am: She leaves.

I'm violated but I think I made the right choice by not sleeping with her. I could have been handcuffed and whipped, raped and chopped into pieces or I might have woken up to find my kidney's on sale at eBay.

That's my story of the crazy bitch...

Lesson 3: The queue of a club says it..

Never enter a fishing site on the word of a door bitch.

Me: "How's the crowd inside? Is there people inside at all?"
Doorbitch: "Yep! The crowds all in. The place is pretty happening."

I think its part of their job to actually lie through their teeth and con people into thinking its the millennium countdown inside. "I don 't blame you for lying, I blame myself for believing." Guys, if you ever hear this, I'd say you'd probably have alot of fishing time on your hand soon.

Now back to the subject proper. There was this night when Pappy and I headed down on an impromptu trip to MS and unexpectedly landed up at DBL O. Anyway, there wasn't the usual queue so we figured they crowds must have passed cos the DBes(Doorbitches) were working more, frowning less and were less anal about photo IDs. Boy, was I wrong...

Pappy checked with the DB on the sit rep upstairs, only to be greeted by a super assuring "it's pretty happening", she could have sold us suckers a car that night and we would have bought it. So like absolute dickheads thinking with our heads (the other head), we began our foray into regret.

As soon as we got in, things looked wrong. No crowd at the pool hall. Still no crowd at the bag deposit counter and not a soul in the male toilets. We didn't need Nancy Drew to show us how things looked suspiciously wrong. The place was so sparsely populated, I felt like we were in Australia. Pappy shot me a "something's wrong" look.. well you don't say.. I think saw the signs and symptoms too. Self deludingly, we figured the crowd might be trickling in soon. This was to be the second time I am wrong in one night.

That night, I'd say there were like maybe 20 gals. ( I'm counting in butches and waitress) and almost all of them were Malays or Indians. No offenses to the Siti Nurhalizas and Aishwaras but where are the Gong Li's?

Then it hit me like a bus with a bumper sticker that scorned "I paid $20 for shit", it was the first night of the Hungry Ghost Festival, usually a night when Mummy's tell children to come home early and avoid going out. Well great, I wished my Mummy fucking told me about it too!

Freedom for me cost $20 that night.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Lesson 2: Always learn to recce first.

Important thing I learnt from an expensive lesson is to first find out what are the common practices of a joint before we plunge dick first into it.

Awhile back LB and I decided to check out the joints at Joo Chiat. The rave about the place becoming a Red light district was hitting the news stands and getting MP's all worried and anxious. For us, that was a good thing, we ain't running for good citizen awards, so the increased vice activity was in tangent to our fast exhausting but still ever insatiable appetite of a night life.

Quick updates to the armchair fishermen out there. The streets of JC is laced with vice, u can smell it I swear, it's the cheap perfume I'm guessing. There are alot and I emphasize, ALOT of KTV pubs lined on both sides of the road. Drive down deeper and the place now becomes filled with massage palours with sleazy cheena signboards that totally spell "I'm a fuck joint".

LB and me virtually covered the entire place on foot. Lotsa stories here, but I'll save it for the road ahead and stick to the important lesson. Well, we went into some KTV pub where all the Vietnamese girls worked. Basically, they just stand around and if u like them enough, you can buy them a drink and from what we saw that nite, groping is an entitlement. We sat down and ordered a beer, hoping to see some hot babes... ZERO.

No hot babes and the ones we liked enough to even strike a conversation were taken, so we decided to just enjoy the beer. Viet cong 1 and Viet cong 2 comes along. Both had a tummy and both were average looking. They sat down next to us and started talking. Ok.. talking was fine wif us but we were more into watching tv and talking to each other than to spare anyone else attention. The Viet Congs started to peel peanuts for us, we felt pampered, hence the obligatory smile once awhile.

1.47am : The place is closing and Viet Congs say they wanna leave. We say "Bye"
1.49am : Viet Congs are still saying they want to leave. I start wondering if my chair was pressing down on her skirt or something that was preventing them from leaving.
1.50am : Viet Congs finally demand ransom. " give me tip la" (In Viet slang Mandarin). LB and I are shocked. Tips for peeling peanuts? And we didnt even fucking touched them! The man next to us had his hands glued to his Viet's butt for the whole nite and he's giving a $10 tip. WE FUCKING ATE PEANUTS and we have to give $10???!

You don't need a masters in business to see the inequality here. Yes, we've been conned and we're idiots to not have groped them. We complained to the boss (a lady) she said it was the norm here.

LB: "But we DIDN'T ask them to sit with us"
Boss: "If you don't want them, when they sit tell them you not interested."

Well, too late for that. The damn Viet Cong was obviously guerilla trained cos she was pulling my arm pretty tightly and they were damn smart to be prying on two young innocent boys. Singapore loses the war here gentlemen, cos we coughed up the dough for those two bitches.

Moral? Check out the scene first fellow fishermen.. $10 for being fed nuts is (excuse the pun) nuts.

A TIME TO THINK - Lesson 1: Never Doubt Yourself

Some finer points to learn in the fishing trade. Lessons from the crypt which I have painfully come to learn over the years. And how better to share them, then to narrate to you in story telling, a page from my "oh damn" series of my life.

Lesson 1: Never doubt yourself

I have to dedicate this lesson to all the self doubting, soul searching, what-the-fuck-was-i-thinking fishermen out there. This lesson is courtesy of my good friend- Lee. Now a brief intro for him. Lee is the kind of guy who thinks nothing good ever happens to him, so when free pussies give a subtle hint of interest, his self defence mechanisms go off on a full alert and he begins reasoning and evaluating the universal probability of "why me?"

And by the time he gets to the "oh yes.. it could be me" the pussies are gone and he can move straight on (do not pass Go do not collect 200) to "damn, WTF! It WAS me!" For Lee, the girls need to spell out "I WANT TO FUCK YOU" before he registers that and realise that he is actually attractive and that some girls do dig him.

This is what happened. We were at a club some years back when we saw these two hot girls. One of them was a Lian-ish, petite, long blondish rebonded hair and the other was this really pretty exotic looking chick. I was so into the exotic babe. Lee couldn't be bothered to choose.. he was happy with any. So I made some eye contact, smiled and that was it. We left.

Once outside, I spotted them and drove over to where they were standing. I must have had a balls implant that day (really.. but I think it was just Mr Walker kicking up a gear) cos I pulled over and asked where they were heading. I totally ignored their destination and suggested supper instead.

They had to discuss something so I turned to see the absolute stunned face of Lee, who's blank face of shock I made out to be.. "what the fuck dude!?" but I also saw the underlining "oh man, you are the greatest.. thank you.." Cut the story short, the chicks boarded my car and we headed for a bite.

With supper over and the cordial conversations subsided. I pulled Lee aside and checked with him in case there was a shared interest, which was not always a good thing in this line.

Me: "So who do u want? the blonde or the exotic?"
Lee: "Doesn't matter to me, anyone is good "
Me: "Good! Cos I only want the exotic"

It was settled. No one was fighting over anyone tonight. Now how was I to propose the night activity. I was a novice and I totally screwed up and we ended up just sending them back. They got my number and that was it. No good night kiss, not night cap.

So we drove back and a call came in. Exotic called and she wanted to tell me that blondie is interested in Lee. I passed the phone to Lee and he just went, "huh, are you sure its me?" blah blah blah.. the night ended for him cos I was sending him home.

My phone rang again. Exotic wanted to meet me cos she couldn't sleep and my immediate answer to it was "pick you at the same place?". HOHO... Lee was regretting. Still in some doubt if blondie was really interested in him or that the friend did a mix up. In any case, no pussy.

The moral? Never give up a pussy for a self doubt, cos regret goes well with the right hand.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Wednesday Fishing

The Butterflies ditched the usual fishing routine on Thurs and opted for a Wed down the new fishing ground. We've come to realise that while the fishes at DBL O aren't the breed and calibre of those at Zouk on the same night, they relatively easier to bait.

First consideration, the pricing of drinks. Only at DBL O can we drink like we have a million bucks. Secondly, girls at DBL O seem to be friendlier, or it could be the lighting.

The group was under strength that night so we needed to cover up the duties. The line-up was LB, Pappy (a resident fisherman, who had to be contented with stories on the BKK trip) and me. LB was refused entry by the door bitch, in that I meant entry to the bar. So that minor set back meant that we lost about 26mins of fishing time while LB went back to get changed.

The route of engagement was planned for easy comprehension and execution; We'd go in and pray we get lucky. And in between we'd try to look pretty. Now that's where we always fail, cos we invariably always end up looking. Just looking. The SIT rep ( That's Situation report for the uninitiated ), sporadic crowds of fishes, the best ones eaten and dangled to lure us. Move closer and a guy pops up to reclaim his catch.

Group one. 4 fishes. Two of them dirty dancing with one another. LB shoots me THE look and whispers..

"lesbian ah?".

We are sailing off to the dance floor.

Group 2. 3 women. I emphasize again, Women. One noticed us looking and she stared right back at us. She was pretty tan so I couldn't see her expression clearly. It was either a smile with a "I know ya boys are looking.. wassup?" or a "what's so funny punk!" Either way her smile was larger than Mick Jagger's and she's darker than me after a chocolate rub down.

These women CAN'T dance even for charity. One in pink dress had a cute face but her feet was rooted to the floor the whole time, that if she wore green, she could have passed off as a tree. Pappy was into the one in pink, but our better judgement was telling us to move on.

The fishes were dying out. The onslaught of men into the place was killing the marine life. Thank God for the cheap liquor so we could still drink ourselves silly and go for the leftovers. Pappy was uncharacteristically off the mark that night and LB was using the "can I have a fag" trick on the group 1 girl. I leaned over to tell him its a sure hit.

He goes in to ask for another cig. (smoking in this instance is totally a social adhesive). LB tells Pappy to step up and offer the girl a drink. Pappy hesitated for some unknown reason so I move in for the cover. I offered the drink, shook her hand and.. wwoooow.. LB was rite.. they are ugly. We moved away from the group, we're practical fisherman, charity is for desperate.

Nothing left, the night was doomed and we seriously needed to re-think our engagement plans. I was already beginning to miss BKK..

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Bangkok Escapades part deux

Day 3

We woke up at about 1pm, yes yes, you read it right. Last I checked, we were on holiday, not in the army and Chatuchat aint having a sale on chicks so we don't really give a fuck. Remember, the motto, we're counting babes here, not how many t-shirts we bought.

LB scared off a cabbie cos he couldn't say Siam Square and it came out as "Siam Supperclub..err Siam Plaza.. err Siam Centre?". We MUST have some "please con me" sign plastered across our heads or it was some invisible banner we had on our backs, because almost every other cabby tried to feintly press the meter when we fucking specifically said "uncle, meter".

Siam Square is pretty much like Orchard Road with a University built right next to it. I can picture SMU already. Some seriously hot chicks in an equally hot Varsity uniform kept our eyes off the shops and right at the hemline. LB pulled a "can i borrow a light" move on one chick in green, who TOTALLY out slanged us. Aussie slang, I smelt it from a mile, but said she graduated from NZ. Right.. I'm amazed how people pick up accents in like 2 yrs. Might be the water.

We went for a massage with everyone else which entirely took the tits out of the equation. LB once told me that nothing is ever clean in BKK though so we changed into the PJ's with a tinge of placid anticipation. LB and Round Eyes had the bed next to mine with a semi-opaque curtains drawn between us.

The masseuse came in and the immediate vocabulary in my arsenal was 'Eww', then followed by 'plump' and 'not good looking'. This fucking better be a decent massage. I was going to go limp for the entire session, so she'd better not disturb. The massage was so so, and I was still limp. She pressed my inner thigh. Still limp. I think it ODed on valium or something and might quite possible require Viagra to reclaim normalcy.

I couldn't hear LB, but LB never goes limp anyway. Round Eyes is not moving or talking, his masseuse must really be ugly to scare him like that. i made small talk with mine and she suggested we try Hollywood for a taste of the local club scene. I made some comment about needing gel for my hair and she thought I was funny and cute. For the record, I was STILL limp.


We headed to Hollywood at Rachada area after promising recommandations by SO many locals. We ordered two bottles of whisky and they ushered us to a table. First impression. TECHNO club. Second impression, Cabaret dancing. The group was getting restless cos there wasn't any party, nor a proper dance floor and the music absolutely killed any semblance of a smile.

LB made the save by pulling me up to the second level where it was COMPLETELY empty. We went on to the balcony and started dancing to a suspicious mix of Thai and break beats. Yes I'm a slut and I will dance to any music. It didn't hit me but as LB puts it "we look like two kukus" cos everyone else was actually looking at us.

I believed it was a good way for quick attention grab, cos the dancers at the DJ booth started dancing with us and soon they were waving for us to go down. In any case, they look yummy enough from where we were, if not, we had two bottles of whiskey at our disposal. The final straw to this was that I was prepared to dispose of my contact lenses.

So being the ever obedient guys that we are, we made straight for the booth. One in cap (very cute.. she's called C) went over to talk to LB and another, Ann (pretty pretty lady) came to me and I asked if they wanted to go up with us. After some coaxing, they told me they'll see me upstairs.

Ann came up with another dancer, a hot bod called Bowl. Both of which, I like and both told me that I was very pretty and I was spoilt for choice. Ann was 28 and she was the current manager of the dancers. Another one in cap came up later and next we know, we were in the company of babes.. LB is happy, Round Eyes isn't asleep and complaining for once, the other guys in the group were looking on in envy. Everything was PUUURFECT....

J-One gals called to say they were coming down to meet us. LB suggested we go with the J-One gals tonite then head back for the Hollywood babes tmr. We swooped in to get their contacts. The J-One gals suddenly looked normal.. my mind was still on Ann and Bowl.. and C. The one tt took my no. is Jai and the one thats like 3 seconds away from marrying LB is Ying. Thai gals hate butterflies, so the stone was cast upon me like I was the villain for the night.

Anyway, we paid 1000baht to our hotel for bring a guest back (do the math.. 500baht a guest). Fucking hotel rule, I'm never staying there again. Some chit chat and I was talking way more than my prescribed doctor could allow. I can tell its the whiskey. LB left the room with Ying for Round Eyes room. I'm stuck in the room with Round Eyes n Jai.

Jai: "Yew butterfly.. no good"
Me: "ya lah ya lah.. no one asking u to fuck me wad..."

By the end of the night,

Jai: "Yew butterfly.. its ok.. i like yew"
Me: " ya lah ya lah.. wadever.."

The vulgarities went gone cos she had her hands in my pants. I'm usually nicer when this happens, but the will to sleep in is probably the cause of declining birth-rates. Anyway, LB came back into my room in the morning with Ying and boy, can Thais sleep. They fucking refused to wake up, and we almost had to call an ambulance because to have them carried off the bed.

Day 4

A new day called for new blood. The J-One impact was history. Contenders, Patapong and Hollywood. We still had tons of places we wanted to go like Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy (Ago go joints) and Nasee (however u spell it) and Bed Supperclub, which no local ever seemed to have heard of b4. we met one of their thai frends at MBK in the afternoon and I cant wait for nite to come and it takes boredom away. Some road rage taxi took us to MBK, I fucking swore I thought he was gonna get us all killed in a RTA at some point.

After some delays in our plans, we headed to Soi cowboy. Nicely light streets, a cornucopian feast of pubs, lotsa gals and lotsa ugly gals. Very much the holiday I was expecting. Nice themes they had; nurses, schoolgals, ugly gals, scary beggars, but nothing much worth working off my bottle to stay.

Time is ticking and I still wanted to find Bed supper. It took an eternity before a taxi that finally knew the place. Ok, so they know it as Bed Disco. 300baht entry and a very chic decor. Plus points. All caucasian, YAWN.

LB is busy stealing matchboxes, stirrers and coasters to recoup the 300baht loss. The speaker broke down so there wasn't any music and some bitch dropped a bottle down the second floor that hit this guy square in the head and that was pretty much the highlight of the night there.

We made our way back to the place where we knew had a potential pool of eligibles all ready for the picking. My sole purpose were the dancers from Hollywood. It's our last night in BKK and I sure as hell wasn't gonna let it go by without at least a decent shag.

After some persuading to let us go to the second level, we picked up our game. LB and I partied away as usual, with our now routine on the balcony. Round Eyes had played his normal reserved game and got hit on by some Thai girl with braces. He disappeared for the night shortly after and I was left with LB, which was pretty much all I really need; We're more efficient as a duo anyway..

Ann and the dancers head up to find us, but it was already getting late and I was getting a little bit smashed on whiskey. Ann needed to head back home and said she'd call us in Singapore. I was having a blast, entirely clueless about the girls but we weren't gonna take them back to the hotel with us tonight.

That spot, was filled by my Thai Princess...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Bangkok Escapades

The place, Bangkok. The plan, to party. The execution grounds, nightspots. The target, girls. The motive, NO ONE IS SLEEPING ALONE. The players, LB, fellow vice associate and my possible soulmate in this butterfly trade, Round Eyes and me. We’re keeping objectives simple and direct.

Welcome to Sin City.After so much hearsay on the night scene in BKK, we were ready to paint the town red. It didnt matter that the first night there came to a disappointing nought, much thanks to delays and the 2am closing time of clubs there. Two fucked up tuk-tuk con rides later, I called my Thai princess to come rescue us from an impending disaster of roaming the streets.

Tame nite, other than a gay trying to take my picture and hitting on everyone of the guys. The great thing about Thailand is that half of the population there (females at least) have picture perfect features. Plastic surgery is a cultural norm, though everyone starts looking the same after awhile. I’m shallow so if u have a nice nose and boobs, I will fuck you.

Thailand is also quite possibly the friendliest country you can fly to for under $300. Smile at them and they return a smile and if you play your cards well enough they might just walk right up to u. It was a barren first nite. No party, no booze, no sex. The only one’s flashing at us are ladyboys. Tomorrow would be different, we fucking swore.Day 2You can never truly say you’ve been to BKK without a mandatory trip the massage parlours. We headed for the very highly recommanded J-One (credit to the travel agent and his convincing advertisment handout with a bevy of flesh).

It looked exactly like a KTV from outside, but once inside, our hormones raged alittle. The gals were seated behind a "supposed" one way mirror very much the fish tank concept we have in SG. There were several categories, ranging from 1500bht (do the fucking math.. sgd$1 is abt 24.7bht) but those ladies looked like they went to school with Queen Elizabeth. Then there were the 2500bht section of plain looking girls, whom in the right overalls, would qualify for a factory spot at Tuas. I cant fuck either of them too, which left us with the 3000bht crop. I’m started to feel conned by the pictures on the handouts.

None of the girls were remotely close to the calibre we saw on the handouts, but they're collectively pretty ok. The 3500bht gals were seated on the sofa just next to the "tank" offered a variedly better ease on the eyes, but none of them looked anything worth trading a bottle of Martell for.We took our time in choosing but I already had my sights set on one the moment I stepped in. The guy in charged gave us a brief run down on the girls and he highly recommanded we take the 3000bht ones cos they were more experienced in massage (sneaky fucker, we know all abt the commission).

Round Eyes ended up wanting the same girl as me so I picked this other one with a pretty face but the body looked like she needed some work on. We paid up and they brought us to the room and some some casual small talk ensued.

Gal: “Hi, wart your name?”
Me: “xxx, you?”
Gal: “Toom, where yew come from?”
Me: “Singapore...” (pls fucking get me to the room.. i hate boring small talk) *smile*

I’ll spare you the details, but this one truly re-wrote my application to send in my definition of ‘Cat-bath’ to Webster’s.

Everything ended and I waited again downstairs at the "tank" for the others. I hate waiting, so I maximised my time by flirting with the 3500bht gals. Rules of flirting. only go for the ones who seem interested. Smile at them (all of them) and see who smiles back.

I finally picked the one who looked like she had friends ( I am at times capable of altruism). I kept smiling, winking, played wif my hair, stuck out my tongue and other textbook teases that qualified me to enter primary school again. I finally asked the man in charge if i could give them my contact and that fucker told me that they won’t call me out, which i absofuckinglutely didnt think was the case.

I’m periodically dense to open attraction, but I was way prepared to bet my left testicles that the girl was interested Plus, her friend was very into LB. So finally just before I left, I headed to the toilet and she chased after me shortly.

Gal: "handphone handphone!"

This was against their rules, but morality and pride should always take a back seat when I’m involved. That, was a nail in the coffin. Suddenly, our nights are filled with so much more anticipation.


We headed to Patpong for the A-go-go bars, which was one of the primary objectives in our check list to begin with. The conquest of BKK was just begining. Thais dig us, they love us and they love Singaporeans cos they think we're rich.

We headed for Electric Blue which was near the end of Patpong, which had an entourage of dancers decked in bikinis and boots. If Tom Ford is reading, this should be your Summer/Spring collection.

Round eyes actually managed to fall asleep at the place. Yes fell asleep, when half naked girls were prancing around. Truly amazing, that would clearly be the male equivalent of being able to shoot darts with ya pussy.LB and me targetted one of the gals. Double ponytail, good body, a cute face and we quickly signalled her to come over. She brought along a frend who looked like she lost a battle to a lawn mower, and sure as hell wasn’t going to buy her a drink or offer her my seat.

The cute girl's name was "Ai" however u spelt it. She sat with me and the other gal with LB, which was wrong cos LB was the one buying Ai a drink and no one wanted to entertain to the ugly one. I told Ai to switch, went to the loo, came back and the Ugly was gone. I was so relieved, I’d have peed my pants.

I didnt have to do the "I don’t like u, now please fuck off" speech and I still got to be a nice guy. I called another over with a good bod and coupled with the fact that I love girls with tattoos. The only down side was that she had bad teeth but this was oversight on my part. The only reason I didn’t really give a hoot’s ass about it was really cos she was playful and kept pulling my head to rest on her boobs. Life's natural comfort pillow. We can't be complaining much.

The rule was, to never stay at a place long, since there are many fishes left waiting to be eaten. Call it a melioration of chances, but we really deserve only the best. So we wandered off as soon as the beer lasted us. LB moved in, took her number and checked on the damage required to take them out with us. We decided against it anyway we went off.

Now the next bar, King's Castle (dunno which one but there's a whole franchise of them) was kick ass. To begin with, the girls were much hotter, they looked suspiciously jap and one had a tattoo. I fucking swore they were into us and they kept wanting us to sit near them. It also helped that I was openly flirting with them.

The Tattoo girl ran out of the pub when I wanted to leave, so I promised her that we’d be back tomorrow instead. Anyone slim who chases after me with bouncing tits is going to have my undivided attention. Now she, was hot. If we didnt have a pre-arranged date to club at RCA, I’d have wanted to stay and take her back when it ended.

We headed away from vice city for RCA, which was pretty much like the now defunct Mohd Sultan; Couple of up class clubs, boring but the music was decently good and forgiven largely because a bottle of Johnny Walker went for around 1000-1500 baht.

The gal at J One called later that nite. Communications was a bitch even when she said she could come over to the hotel but I was way to tired to wait for her. LB bitched incessantly about having to sleep alone again and kept insisting that I called the girls over, but he fell straight asleep almost immediately after ending the sentence.

I was too shagged to even consider unzipping my pants. The night's story was all geared towards celibacy.