Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Year In Review

On a whole, its been a rather fun filled year. Some defining moments in life, some for the better, others not.

The Good

My breakup - In a way i saw this as a good thing because i got to do stuff i always wanted. Not that im bad with commitments. I was in a 5 yr relationship, thats more than most people my age would have devoted their youth too. The good part was of cos i got to hook up more, widen my social circle and accomplish all this without actually hurting anyone. Singlehood rules.

Bangkok trip - Its one of my best getaways. The clubbing scene is fantastic, the drinks are dirt cheap and the girls are friendly. Its always good when foreign girls are mad about you. Its also the first entry to my blog.

Minori - The one person who made me realise my hearts not dead. The only girl whom I wanted to like me and tell me that. Of all the girls who fell for me this year, she's perhaps the ONLY one whom i might have stopped for, the only girl whom i would have said, "i like you too'. The only girl who stole a piece of me when she left and the only person I would have lost in my game to. Simply the best, better than all the rest.

Dbl O / O Bar - Our fishing pond. The best place to drink at. At $12 a jug, there's nothing close to this. Girls are randomly attractive here. The attractiveness is also subjective to the amout of alcohol in us. Hence, cheap drinks = getting drunk = everyone looking better.

LB and Butterfly's adventures with Vice - hush hush

Of cos, i met many other great people this year, everyone who is mentioned in my blog are people who have help defined my year. I love all of u.

The fishing crew- LB, Dek, Pappy, Reznor, Lee, Gt4, Zeekay, Blaque, Draco, Suomi, Poks, Totti, MJ

The gal pals who try to hook me up with people - Huixx, Sue, Flower, TB.

The Bad

Kay - The girl who nearly single handedly defined everything bad in a date.

The whole string of bad hook ups and dates. The MILF that tried to have me as a boy toy. Breaking a girls nose, meeting ugly people.

Caught for drink driving - You guys know the full story.. and the court case.

Bali - Well, the good thing about this holiday was the Villa we stayed in. The down side to the holiday was the terroist bombing which effectively ended my holiday w/o even a visit to the local discos.

Goodbye 2005..

Butterfly goes MoS

I'll say this, the hype on MoS is justified. The interior of the place is easily the best you can find on this island. Theres a damn escalator in the fucking club! All they need now is to get a better ticketing counter to speed up the queuing.

The crowd there is nothing to shout about, a mix of the old, very old and young. Thats the problem with new clubs, they don't have an identity. What i like..

a) The retro room dance floor with funky colored tiles.
b) RnB cage dance floor which resembles the ultimate fighting championship arena
c) very spacious

I don't like..
a) expensive drinks

Since i'm there with Lee, Gt4 and Sispec, the night is solely for chilling out. I'm way too shagged from my afternoon soccer to even think about unzipping my pants for anyone tonight. I meet Jane, who's with her air stewardess friends. The night's pretty alright until she has to ruin it by sending me an SMS telling me that she likes me.

"hey, really happy to see you here, and i wanna say, i like you, heh.."

Not that i didn't see it coming but when people confess, i feel obligated to say something back. The problem is, i usually have nothing nice to say. From the Ivory debacle, i learned its better to shut up, or risk mouthing another no brainer like 'Merry Xmas'.

The other highlight is the group doing the melbourne shuffle which turned into sort of a dance off. NICE.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Butterfly goes to Court

The night before...

I'd like to thank everyone who sent me well wishes last night. After dropping Ivory back home, I went to meet the guys at Living Room @ Marriott at some birthday party. We start making toast to my last night of freedom. I'm like dead man walking.

In between, Round Eyes, Draco and me start giving Dek suggestions on what to text the PRC from the other night at Dbl O. It finally boils down to Dek's and my simpleton mandarin vs RoundEyes and Draco's elaborate verses. The place blows other then the good handful of good looking chicks. Some fucker buys a bottle of champagne then leaves without paying, and we almost get blamed for the scam. What a good move, sounds like something we should do.

We head to Zouk, for the last Mambo of the Year. It just reminds me why i hate mambo. Bad music, good crowd, bad music. Zeekay and me start imitating the dance patterns and he keeps coming up with moves not approved by the Mambo committee, which i tell him is illegal unless the people on the podium does it.

Dek comes with the PRC girl and her friend. Her friend is decent looking, visibly older than me, and a body resembling Gummy Bears. Like most people, they love pulling my hair. LB introduces me to two ex-school mates. One decent look, and another one thats more fucky. Best introduction goes to Flower who introduces me to some 28yr old, very hot lady with mix blood. She's hot, out of my league and we look like we have nothing in common, except probably how it feels like to be 24. Thanks to all of you guys for trying to hook me up! My mind ain't at the right place though, pls... do not stop trying.

5hours later..

Im all dress up waiting to attend court. I have to sit through the mandatory 4min nag session from my mum who emphasized STRONGLY, not to drive.

I go in to listen to the other case hearings, just so to get a rough mental prep of what to expect. My lawyer comes with his assistant whom i've been corresponding through email and phone, she's pretty cute, a little meaty but with what i gather to be a good B/C cup.

I go in to wait my turn and some girl comes up to read me my charge and gets me to acknowledge it. She's young, average looking. Yes, in my darkest hour i still find time to assess people, its innate.

My charge sheet wrote and i quote, "his breath strongly smelled of alcohol, had a steady gait and a clear speech." Did i smell of alcohol?!? That rat ass LCP who wrote the statement is obviously having a sinus. They also forgot to mention the fact that i was clear headed enough to correct them that the police WRX car has a smaller turbo compared to the STi, and that my name was mispelt in two charge sheets. The police at the station were obviously drunk too. I'm however not a snitch, I let it slide.

Anyway, there basically NOTHING you can say or do to alter the inevitable outcome. I did get a lawyer to mitigate my case, and pray for the minimal fine and disqualification period. The judge is as lao lan (arrogant) as always, but i forgive her, since she's actually pretty hot. She's one judge i'll definitely fuck any day even if i cant get my sentence reduced. She gets pissed off by one lawyer's constant repetitive defence.

HotJudge: "YES! I know, you've been repeating this MANY times, and I'm NOT deaf."

Fuck the lawyer, he's agitating HotJudge which is NOT good for me. I could really use a dancing teletubby to ease the tension. The other thing is that lawyers are pretty good at bullshiting, this lawyer was reading a mitigating plea which states "...the defendent is a regular helper at XXX home for the aged..." Ohh please, spare the bullshit! The guy looks like he is 65, he probably IS staying there!

I finally get called up, i quickly adjust to tuck my hair under my collar. Did i mention i was very dressed for the hearing? I look like I have a wedding dinner to attend after this, I look so good, I love myself. I stand while my lawyer reads MY bullshit

"...his father is a prominent figure.."
"...he contributed alot to his unit during NS.."

and my personal favourite line from him.

"...this case is not of any heinous serverity, its is timely unlucky that it is a crime of naïvety more than anything else..."

Don't you just love when they phrase it so nicely? For the language challenged readers, it mainly just says, "This is bullshit, my client is obviously sober and capable of driving. Plus he didn't wreck any property of kill any muthafuckers. He was just plainly unlucky to have been caught. He should have known better than to take that road back."

While the lawyer is reading my case, the girl that read my charge to me comes up to me.

She: "Hai...why did you drink and drive? *sigh*"

I look at her. What another lecture? Do i even know u?

She: "so you know already ah? Don't drink and drive next time and don't drive for the next year. Don't want to see you in here again ok?"

I come to court and people here say the same dumb things i've heard outside of it. If she wants to pick me up, she's gotta work on her pickup lines. For the record, i got fined $2.2k and 12months disqualification.

I'm pretty happy with the outcome. I start making conversation with this chap in the waiting room. He's there for drunk driving, and has a reading of 51mg. He got a 1k fine, and NO disqualification! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! Im so not happy with the outcome. I probe him further but he refuses to say, just that dodgy smile. I bet he pulled strings and panties. This is fucking NEPOTISM! I had a lower reading and my punishment now looks as if i'm serving time for trafficking 2 tones of heroine.

Didn't I tell you law is bullshit.


I just got this in my mail, from the lawyer

>On a note of trivia, I have also looked up the Act with regards to the>disqualification penalty. If you are interested, you might find the same>at Section 67 (2) of the Road Traffic Act. I have extracted the relevant>parts of the legislation for you:->* A person convicted of an offence under [S67] shall be>disqualified from holding or obtaining a driving licence for a period of>not less than 12 months....>>This necessarily means that the Court must give a disqualification order>equivalent or more than 12 months. In view of this legislation, the>Court has thus awarded you the minimum disqualification.

Yippie! I should be happy? Well one fucker obvious found a backdoor (no sex pun intended).

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Butterfly is lost for words

For those that know, today is the last of my driving days, for a year at least. Ivory buys me dinner at Sushi Tei then gives me a present in a Gucci carrier. I immediately freak out and ask what is it. She tells me its not Gucci, I breathe a sigh reflief. Getting me anything from Gucci would seriously be bribing my conscience to treat them better, depending on the exquisitness of the gift. Anything above $50 definitely scores points for them, which they can redeem for public kissing. Above $100 will entitle a fuck, a good one.

I was hoping for it to be some cheap TopShop accessory. I unwrap to very bad news. The gift is wrapped in brown paper with a logo of a knight riding a horse. I pray for the Burberry's wrapper to be a leftover from her own item. Turns out she got me a Burberry's notebook.

We head to Wala's for drinks, which she buys again. I'm really not exploiting her, I offered to pay, I really did. Everything is going good, then she has to stir up shit and say really horrible things to me.

Ivory: "There's something I want to tell you, but i think its gonna freak u out."

At this point, I'm prepared for her to tell me anything from, "I have a kid." to "I'm 38 years old" to "I'm a man". I take a DEEP breadth, lean further away from her and say, "What!?"

Ivory: "I'm really into you. I'm pretty much crazy about you."

Why would anyone say such horrible things? Just when I thought everything is going smoothly, they have to pull this shit. She stares at me. I look away, half wanting to laugh.

Ivory: "Well... aren't you gonna say anything to me?"

I look at her, trying to find the right words to say. I race through several ambiguous lines then settled for the first thing that came to my mind.

Me: "Merry Christmas?"

She stares at me, eyes widened at least an inch.

Ivory: "And Happy New year right....."
Me: "Errm ya and Happy New Year."
Ivory: "AND?!"
Me: "Thank you?"

It don't take an Einstein to realise the degree of pissness i've elevated her to. Instead of shouting at me with something like, "You asshole!", of which im pretty used to, she says nothing. The long silence is getting to me, I attempt to cheer her up.

Me: "Hey, don't be like that.. cheer up."

She starts to tear. Im serious. In the middle of the band playing Breakfast at Tiffany's, she starts to tear. When a girl cries, thats it for me. Thats how the cookie crumbles. I try my next best cheer up line.

Me: "Don't cry..."
[Band plays 'Let her cry' by Hootie and the Blowfish, bad song selections, so not helping]

I ended up telling her a long story about me being commitment phobic and stuff. I tell her why im called Butterfly, because i get bored easily with people, i constantly change attention and i might almost be incapable of love. My strongest defence was that "I don't want to screw up people's life". None of it effective.

Ivory: "Im like that too, but maybe we could try? You know, not be a Butterfly anymore."
Me: "Doesn't sound too fun.."
Ivory: "You could try? I'll make you change your mind."
Me: "Why the change? I like my life now, and we shouldn't fix stuff that ain't broken."

I tell her another story about how I hate people wanting me to change, telling me to cut my hair and that I shouldn't put anymore tattoos. Im such a bullshiter, i just make up 'new' things i hate everytime she says something not in tangent with my Butterfly Mentra. Basically, telling me to quit hooking up is not a good thing, its like telling Paris Hilton pink is bad.

I basically lay down some ground rules, by telling her things i don't like.

a) thou shall not be dependent on me
b) thou shall not cling on to me
c) thou shall not expect too much from me, i crumble under expectations.

Me: "You know me for like 3 days, and u think u like me?"
Ivory: "I feel like i've known u for ages, im just so comfortable around you."
Me: "I'll hate to wonder what knowing me for 2 months will do to you when u have to go back"
Ivory: "I'll strangle you, then cut u up and take u back with me."

Of all she's said tonight, i honestly hope she's joking about that.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Girls are weird

Girls are weird. Ok maybe only some. Ivory suddenly asked me "when was the last time you fucked" and not wanting to sound like a jackass rabbit, I tell her '2 weeks ago'. She goes all freaky on me. Damn, I knew I should have gone with '2 months'.

Ivory: "What? 2 weeks ago?! Where's she now?"
Me: "I don't know... sleeping like we should be?"
Ivory: "So what? Its a one off thing? You fuck and forget?"
Me: "ermm i think so.."

She becomes all upset and stuff and refuses to even hug me. I, with my DareDevil senses, realise the shit i've gotten myself into, try to salvage the situation.

Me: "Not fuck and forget lah.. just nothing long term"
Ivory: "So you guys just fuck and thats it?"
Me: "its mutual gratification.."
Ivory: "F and F?! I don't wanna be part of that!"

This line brings with me great distress. She's the commitment kind, very likely i've gotten into a huge mess. Which is pretty contradicting. Considering that i've met her for like 4hrs before we fucked, and she's making it seem like fucking strangers is wrong.

Me: "Ya well, it happens i guess.."
Ivory: "You do that alot?"
Me: "Well, not really.."

Then comes my lecturing.

Ivory: "You know, I don't see why girls will want to fuck you. You're not drop dead gorgeous and you don't have a huge dick. And you say pretty mean stuff sometimes. Do girls really like guys like that? What do they see in you?"

Then 5 mins later, she wants to fuck me.

Ivory: "I want you to fuck only me from now on. Pretty boys like you get girls I know, but I want you to fuck me only, understand?" (sic)

Ivory: [slaps me]

Ok, maybe its not as funny. I get amused by the stuff that gets me into trouble.

Girls are amazing. They never cease to intrigue me.

Monday, December 26, 2005

The Butterfly Christmas Special

Its the first time since as long as i can remember that i've actually been out clubbing on Christmas day. The guys and I headed down to Zouk for the early bird special tickets. We're cheap, we hate to queue and we're afraid of being left out. That makes us authentic Singaporeans.

The Thai girl i got to know at Momo calls me to ask if i wanna hang out with her. I ask her along to Zouk. Remember, this girl is still a suspected ladyboy, so i've arranged a series of questions to siphon out the possible penis. I tell TB to help me out. I name her Ivory. She's alot better looking the first time i met her. Could be the lighting. The following is the evidence i gathered to prosecute her sexuality.

a) She was born here and completed her O's here.
b) She was from Raffles Girls Primary then went on to Katong Convent
c) Her voice is raspy.

Of cos, the above two information could have been falsely given. I don't give a fuck cos she buys me a round of drinks. I decide to throw all caution to the wind, and stick with her for the night. Which is a hard thing to do since Zouk is always full of beautiful people. I even saw my once upon a time dream girl (the one i posted on my John Digweed post), she stared at me for about 4 seconds, then walked off. Much of it was cos Ivory was holding me pretty tightly.

The highlight girl for tonite goes to this WEIRD girl wearing a pink outfit with mirco-mini pink skirt that threatens to show her butt cheeks everytime she leans forward. This girl is UGLY, and she's FAT and FLAT (i never thought its was possible to be those two at a time). She has two pigtails tied at the two ends of her head, a knee high furry pink boots and she carrys this illuminated Sponge Bob bag on her back. Her cheeks are chubby, has bad teeth and a mole. She just needs the threadmill to be a legitimate hamster. This is her, or wadever i could take of her.

The group behind me was laughing as i attempted to take the picture. I kept saying, "Its Halloween so soon?" I was saying some other mean stuff which the people around me including the bouncers thought was pretty amusing. Ivory didn't.

Ivory: "I think you're being very mean. Don't say such things."
Me: "oh.."
Ivory: "She's just different."
Me: "As in being ugly?"
Ivory: "That's not very nice."

Usually I don't give a damn about anyone who tells me im mean. This is different. I was the one who picked her up, and she's not madly into me YET, which means i can still fuck this whole thing up.

Her friends come by later. She's got one hot friend, the one she was with the other night. She has this plunging neckline that brings all attention to her C cup boobs. Everytime she bents forward, the guys around me leans closer. Her other friend is this Japanese chick, who's probably too old for me anyway. I stick with my early pick.

So as we head out to go home, Ivory insists on taking a cab back, even though i offer to send her back.

Me: "Why don't I just send you back?"
Ivory: "Why don't I send you back?"
Me: "That because I drove?"
Ivory: "Okay, why don't you send me back to your place?"

I know an invitation when i smell one, but unless i'm missing a bigger picture, this is as good as grabbing my ass and whispering, "Fuck me.."

The only big problem. Is she a ladyboy? I spend the next 7mins in the car devising a way i can get some concrete proof, without taking off the clothes. Usually the tell-signs are,

a) they tend to have bigger hands, as do all males.
b) adams apple. Though thats not always the case and its possible to sugically remove it now.
c) fake tits
d) they cannot naturally lubricate themselves

Ivory has small portionate hands, and no adam's. My concern is to not have to resort to option D as a means to acertain the facts. I decide to sneak a peek in her wallet for any identification card at the first chance i get.

She starts asking me some questions about my past relationships before we both doze off. Seriously, i fell asleep for a moment. Now's the chance, i have her lying next to me sleeping, and her bag within arms reach of me. She's lying on my right arm so i reach with my left to try to grab the bag. I hook the bag on the handle and drag it closer, and next thing i know, i topple everything over because the bag's not closed.

She wakes up to the sound of her phone hitting the ground.

Ivory: "What are u doing?"

In the split second, i just point in the direction of her bag and said, "I was trying to get that.."
She looks at me, "The water bottle?". I nod, and tell her to go back to sleep and that i'll pick up the stuff. She doesn't realise its her stuff on the floor which now gives me the chance to find the much needed confirmation put my mind at rest. I'm so sneaky and low.

I pick up her phone, then try to find the wallet. She has some equivalent of our university matric card with her picture on it. The rest is written in Thai so i cant figure anything out. I decide to venture into Option C and do the physical examination instead. The problem is, I cant really tell fake boobs from firm boobs. They're soft so i give em' the benefit of doubt.

It now spirals down to Option D. The only phobia i have is putting my hand there and finding a buldge. She finally takes my hand south. I feel something... something hard.. a tape?! My mind goes blank.. is that a tape? She has her dick taped?!!! How am i to get out of this?

Me: "Whats that? Is it a bandage?"

She starts giggling, then lies ontop of me.

Me: "What's so funny?! OH MY GAWD.. its a bandage?!"

She punches me hard on the chest.

Ivory: "It's a sanitary pad you dumbo"

I make a mental reassessment. Sanitary pads are for women. Ladyboys do not menstruate, hence Ladyboys will not need pads. Which would make her a bona fide female. On the other hand, menstruating usually equals abstinence, which would also mean NO pussy. Life blows.

Ivory: "Don't worry, its ending."

Ahhh.. its like doing CPR on me. Taking me back from near death experiences.. I love menstruation cycles. Option D certified. Merry Xmas to me! And the best thing is that she refuses to let me send her home cos I havent slept all night. How good can this get. They come, they give some and they take a cab home. Sounds like Santa if u ask me.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Pre-Xmas Parties

I had a gathering at my cousin's pad which turned out to be an extended cousin's gathering for him cos they invited the people from his wife's side. The only highlight of this gathering was this girl from the otherside.

When i said otherside, i really meant other world. She was scary. Quite possibly the scariest looking girl i've met all year. Where do i even begin to describe her. Well, she looks like she ODed on some testosterone drug or suffering from hormonal imbalance cos she's got a moustache equivalent to a two day scrub. She's got amazingly frayed eyebrows, a pigs nose and one of those upper lips that fold upwards to show the buck teeth. This girl is quite accomplished, she's managed to achieve the two pinnacles of being ugly and fat in just 16yrs.

As if being fat and ugly isn't enough, she talks non stop and she's equally dumb. I cannot look at her without shivering, i have to see her through my phone camera to prevent myself froming stabbing her. She dishes out amzing comments, calling an entire essemble of TCS stars on TV "Ugly". I had to stop myself from bursting out into laughter. I was still giggling even when the TV was showing something on the Aceh survivors. I've attached a picture for your viewing pleasure.. in her most flatering light.

I head to MoS to meet Lee and some other friends. The queue is FUCKING insane. It stretches nearly far back enough to take the reverse bungy. The only reason I bothered to wait was cos the queue was littered with enough good-looking people to ensure that going into the club was worth every waiting minute.

After nearly 2hrs, we decide head down Club MoMo. Alot of it had to do with the club capacity being breached. Momo was just as packed inside, though there wasn't a queue. At 1am, I'm not queuing for anything anywhere. Momo remains how i remembered it to be, packed with hot asses.

I immediately zoom in on two girls whom i suspected to be ladyboys. One had immaculately perfect nose, the other had an ample boob. Tell-tale signs to proceed with extreme caution. The nice nose one, turns out to be Thai, and the other was local. Thai girl speaks very good English and tells me her dad's Singaporean. I take her number and tell her i'll be her tour guide for the next few days. Maybe i'm wrong, maybe they aren't ladyboys.

Two other girls come dancing beside me and Ken. One is an energizer bunny who starts dancing with me. She's perfectly fuckable except that she's with the group, our group, though i know none of them. Ken doesn't know, starts hitting on them which climaxes to an embarassing moment cos Ken and EnergizerBunny didn't know we're 'supposed' to be 'a group'.

Some chick comes along with her hand on the sides of her forehead saying 'excuse me', i jokingly said, "what? superpowers ah?". She start pinching my cheeks, and in the worst reflex action by me for the night, i smile at her. She starts holding me, then grabs my hand to put on her ass, under her skirt!

If this chick was hot, i'll have ended my night there and then and wisked her away. She wasn't. She attempts to kiss me, i tease then turn away and she ends up licking my ears. Next thing i know, she has her hand under my shirt in an attempt to remove them and she forces her lips to me again.


And I pushed her away. She takes my hand to grope her again, then says some stupid shit.

She: "Don't worry, i won't ask you to take me home with you.."
Me: "That's good..."

I tell her friend who's with her that she's drunk. When i do that, she bites me on the back! I complain to her friend who drags her towards her and tells her. And i quote..

Friend: "Behave yourself! Now apologise and introduce yourself to him!" (sic)

I start laughing and Drunkgirl takes out her handphone. I know where this is going. Lee is making "Don't Do It" signs at me. Firstly, i do not turn down people, unless they're obnoxiously fat and ugly. Karma has a way of catching up to us.

Her phone has a picture of a guy and her.

Me: "What's this?" (pointing to the guy)
Drunkgirl: "Don't worry, not my boyfriend"
Me: "I do not give numbers with pictures of guys on the the phone."

She starts going through her phone book and starts to toogle some stuff. Her friend comes over to tell me that she wants to take my number and ask if i will just give it to her. The friend sees my reluctance in participation.

Friend: "Don't worry, she'll probably forget this tomorrow so she won't call and bother you."

Drunkgirl hands me the phone again, this time with an entirely different background. I commend her on her efforts and persistence to attain my number. I type it in for her, then try to make a quick getaway by hiding in the toilet. The only reason why i didn't want to stay around is cos a girl hugging and kissing u all night effectively kills all chances with hooking up other chicks. And since the club has ALOT of hotties, im not letting Atila the hun here destroy all my chances.

The second reason is cos i've already made my move on the Thai girl, and i'll be shooting myself in the foot by hooking up with a lesser being.

I'm already beginning to like Momo all over again.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Butterfly Resumes Clubbing

Its exactly a week to the fateful night i got caught for drink driving, and a week since alcohol made its evaporation on my lips. Tonight i re-acquaint myself with that familiar old friend and attempt to make a decent return to where it all happened.

O Bar is now officially out of bounds. For those of us that witnessed its racial composition, enough is said. DBL O still maintains a decent crowd. There's some makeup shit going on and dancers walking around holding gigantic stringes with a pussy mix of a drink thats purple in colour. Colourful drinks are always weak. One of the dancer comes up to us to get us to buy a drink. LB shuns away cos he's the designated driver and I tell her, "I'm under-aged".

The pussy shot goes for $6 each, and we're never gonna pay for that. I said something about the drink being horrible and she allows me to drink half the shot, on the house. I take half of it, and I make a horrible expression and refused to pay for the other half, complaining that she stained my shirt in the process. She gives me the remaining shot for free. Such an angel.. with slightly crooked teeth. I get a free drink from a dancer, LB says something about her probably having to pay for the shot or forgoing her commission. That's so sweet, its a benchmark in my clubbing checklist. Freebies from dancers.. I'm henceforth, envy of lesser men. Bow to me pricks.

Another dancer comes over to try to get us to drink. LB shuns, i tell her the drink's horrible and Dek becomes the target. Dancer #2 is friendly, but she's not gonna give us free shots.

Me: "Get the girls to buy, stop aiming at us men."
Dancer#2: "The girls have free flow, they won't buy"
Me: "These women are cheapos.."
Dancer#2: " some men..."

She's got a sense of humour. Plus points. Turns out she's Lee's varsity friend in Perth. She tells us she's Eurasian, turns out she isn't. That liar. Her mum's Chinese and her Dad's Thai. So where's the Eurasian blood? That's just Asian. For all of u out there, You're Eurasian ONLY if u have a mix parentage OUTSIDE Asia. Go check the fucking atlas, Thailand and Singapore mix still makes u Asian.

Dancer#1 comes back, i get her name and thank her for the free drink. Yes, it takes me 20mins to express gratitude. Zeekay looks at me wide eyed, but im not that impressive to randomly chat people up. I tell him about what happened. She comes back to tell me not to tell any of the dancers that she bought me a drink.

Dancer #3 comes over to attempt to peddle another round of shots. Dek declines. Dancer#3, a diploma holder in shameless marketing asks if he'll buy one for her. Dek's reply is classic.

Dancer#3: "How 'bout buying one for me?"
Dek: "I won't even buy one for myself!"

She slumps away. I can't believe the nerve of these dancers. They prance around with celluloid, shake their humps and they think men will just buy them drinks?! Only hot dancers should sell the idea of men buying them drinks.

Dek spots two girls dancing. I wing for him and he moves in. Firstly, these two girls are drunk, they are at forgiving best in the "fuckable" category and they have decent dance moves. Dek moves in for in my opinion the better looking one (and the slimer one too). The chubby one whips her hair into my face. I make a loud verbal complaint, then tell Dek i'll take one for the team. Dek decides the chubby one is cuter, which is good cos i'll rather wing people lighter than me. Drunk girls are easy targets.. but that doesn't mean they won't cockblock you.

We pursue them to the bar along with the whole gang. Flower shows me two girls who picked her up when one UGLY nerd pops infront of me. I cry out "Uhhhh arrgggh!!!!", ugly nerd is pissed at my reaction. Ugly nerd is like the female version of Harry Potter, only much uglier. She's got round rim specs, short cropped hair with a clip pinning her fringe up. She lacks only the Prefect tie and needs only to say "attention class" before we can legitimately start shooting paper bullets at her. We hate snitches.

Anyway, chubby girl slaps me on the head FOR NO REASON! That bitch! I start complaining and i tell them i'm gonna kick her to get revenge. What?! U never knew i was childish? I kick her.. 4 times. I'm so proud of my physical abusive domination over a drunk bitch. As they leave, LB and me start kicking her some more, and thats for attempting to cockblock Dek. I prove once again that i'm altruistic.

Dancer#4 comes along to sell us shots, AGAIN. She tells me some deal she striked up with Dek.

Dancer#4: "U buy 4 shots i give u 2 free.."
Me: "WAAHHHHH WAT A GOOD DEAL!!!!!!" (Im being very sacarstic, she gets it, but she thinks its funny)
Dancer#4: "Your friend said its ok."
Me: "Do we get a free bicycle for that too?"

$6 is seriously overpriced. For that price they should include a handjob. No offence, but when whiskey go for $3 a Glass, pussy blackurant tasting drink from stringes should be priced the same. If anyone of you have been to Devil's bar, you'll know that buying drinks from dancers mean lying between their boobs while they house you with liqour. DBL O blows man.

Dek finally chats up this chick from China. Her stock falls considerably. Dek thought she was Jap, LB thought she was Korean, she thinks she looks local.. ohh the myraid of perceptions. She's clubbing alone (who the fuck clubs alone... unless they're waiting to be picked up). We constantly egg Dek to dance with her, in this case it goes something like "Place your hand on her ass!"

The crowd blows. Flower says the best looking guys are the gays, and when that happens, you know the place is crap. It always sucks when im not the prettiest.

The highlight of the night is supper. Our drunk female friend Opalescent's constant ranting and rating of Round Eyes as her best friend. She's quite a highlight reel. Firstly, she nearly crushes my balls while attempting to break her fall in the club. She came within an inch of effectively ending my promiscuity. Then she proclaims LB to be her boyfriend. She spends the next 30mins at supper refuting this.

Flower meets some ex-school mates. One of them has a killer ass. Its round and firm, and it makes up for her not so pretty face.

Me: "The girl has a PHAT ass.."
Lee: "Is that Phat of Fat?"
Me: "P.H.A.T"
Zeekay: "You gone already lah you!!"

You know the night ain't good when the defining moments of the club is marred by shot peddlers without decent cleavages to properly persuade us into buying the drinks.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Butterfly gets sympathy meal

I'm so sneaky, i'm using my court case and impending gazillion dollar fine as an excuse to get freebies and sympathy from girls. I actually managed to get a supper treat from a girl, because i told her that going out these days is such a chore cos everything cost money and my court fine will probably cripple me. I said all these in the aftermath of my shopping trip today, and about $100 poorer from the consequence of it.

While waiting for LB and Dek to arrange mahjong i contemplate over 3 possible dates. All of them knowing what has recently happened, and thankfully none of them reading this. I told one of them that i'm actually a social escort and dating me cost a pitiful $10 an hour. She didn't get the joke and kept asking if i was serious. I honestly considered telling her i was, and that i actually charge $20 to offset stupidity. She'd probably not get it anyway. She's not hot enough to be worth the torture. Young girls..

The potential one is pretty stingy. But since she's easily the hottest of the lot, i decided that i'll be a nice person and try to change her stingy ways. I must have looked like a bitch all night cos i pouted endlessly. I broke into laughter once cos she said one of the most classic consolation lines, I've heard to date.

She: "at least u'll learn a lesson and not drink and drive next year."
me: "ya, that's only because i WON'T be driving next year"
she: "then isn't that good? U'll be able to drink!"

She said it so matter of factly, that i wondered if she was playing dumb or just dumb. She's either got a wicked humour, or a bordering moron. I kept making my plight seem worse than it actually was, and although i've already past the upset phase, i decided to push my luck and test her limits. She eventually gave in to buying me a meal at Macs. Being sad has its perks. I'm so cheap, I lied for $5.70.

Some other consolation lines from various friends.

Reznor: "Cheer up, at least things can only get better."
Me: "Rubbish, this IS the high point of my life, things only get worse after the 29th!"

LT: "My doctor says i get panic attacks so i cant operate machinery or drive"
Me: "Yea.. i know how u feel..."
LT: "Ohh, you get panic attacks too?"
Me: "Nope, not being able to drive.."

XY: "At least u won't get into a car accident for the next year"

Ernest: "...i rather have u ard w/o your license than you getting into an accident anytime."

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Being an Asshole 101

I've posted shit loads of stories and the only one thats drawing attention is about being an asshole. Just so that u guys do not get the wrong idea, i'll clarify some matters. Firstly, I'm not asking u guys to BECOME an asshole. I'm just hinting that nice guys tend to finish last. Hands up if that has happened to you.. some girl telling you, "well, you're nice.." It basically means, she wants u as a friend.. she's not gonna want to fuck u. Period.

Im also not saying that ALL girls are attracted to assholes. It just so happens that girls tend to be attracted to a certain mean streak in guys. There are ALOT of girls who have assholes for boyfriends, and alot of guys who have absolute bitches for girlfriends. Thats how the world works. We stay with them and put up with bullshit b'cos the other party has a positive value, usually cos their hot. Sponge quoted 'hot ass' as one factor. I told her that hot people are worth a certain degree of bullshit, she agreed. I stand by my word. If i had a hot ass girlfriend, I'll allow her to be stupid.

I'm NOT saying that girls are like Sponge. She's probably a minority, it just so happens that i have lots of female friends like her. The thing about this is, the guys usually end up regretting when the girl actually walks away.

The other issue is that I cant teach u how to be an asshole. Everyone as an Asshole in them, waiting to emerge. And whatever i posted on the comments site, please know that im kidding. I hope only smart people read my blog. You do not have to change to become an asshole, just STOP being so nice.

Foremostly, DO NOT go out of your way for anyone. Unless that person is worth it, and by that she has to be firstly in the "Fucky" category. If the person is not hot, she/he better be rich. Face it, the world is practical. If not, make sure u get laid for it. DO NOT settle for just a "thank you".

I cannot offer tips on dating or picking up chicks. Im not good at it, i'm only good for two things, teasing and kissing. I'll tell u that honestly. So for whoever that emailed me asking me about pickup tips, im sorry. The only thing i'll say is.. look good and pray some blind chick hits on u. When people hit on u, theres nothing u can do that will go wrong. And when that happens, being an asshole actually rises your stock. Usually.

Com'on thats why people play hard to get. THOSE ASSHOLES!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Absolute Worst Night EVER

It would have been so nice if i could recount Sue's bday at O Bar. But i cant, not that i was drunk, but cos something far more significant happened. My life will never be the same again. All the horrible hook ups now seem like dream dates on a carribean cruise. Those boring conversations, ugly women, foreplay that went horribly wrong and sex follies... i miss them all. Cos tonight, i get caught for drink driving.

The life i enjoy is fast fading. Being pulled over at the road block, failing the fuck shit of a breath test, and brought back to the police station. Its all like a second ago.

I sit in the police waiting room for my second breath test. Three others shared my fate that night, on of which managed to pass the second test. I fail, 50mg/100. Life sucks.

I wait at least 3 hours in the room before any statement is taking. Some Swiss guy is there with me. He's the general manager of Spizza and a few other joints. We joke about if they were gonna hang us. The absolute futility of jokes.

LB comes to bail me out. I'm now officially fucked. I will soon test the theroy if having a car equates to getting more dates.


I recount my year of mishaps. Its actually been a pretty bad year. Lets see..

a) i nearly get bombed to death in Bali
b) i broke up with my gf of 5 yrs
c) i have a string of bad hook ups, u can read them here
d) i get fined for beating a red light, and now i have my license revoked

The shit thing now is that after the 29th, i won't be able to drive for at least a year. That's terrible, by the time i get to retake my license, Mitusubishi would have launched EVO 28.
The other shitty thing is that i'm supposed to change my car in March, which means i won't even get to pedal the gas till 2007! FUCK ME IN THE ASS! Petrol could already be exhausted by then.

I've changed my criteria in women. I no longer need hot asses.. i need women who drive. I'm logging on to to find me a women within walking distance. In case u don't know, im a spoilt brat. Taking public transport is seriously going to kill my dating life. Even with a car, i do not date people living in the West. I'll now probably not date anyone beyond a 3km radius.

I now belong to the majority, im a commoner. The silver lining is that i'll be able to use my EZ link card to buy Macs. I hate being a commoner.. I miss being the spoilt brat. I spent the whole evening talking to SnowWhite, my other close female friend, and she thinks all i need to get over this LONG LONG phase is a galfriend. Any takers? Apply only if u can drive.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Girls and Assholes

For some reason, girls seem to be romanticized by the whole asshole complex. This only proves that being nice gets you NOWHERE, unless of cos you drive a Ferrari, in which case you get pretty much everything even with a small dick and low IQ.

Last night i was chatting with the gal on MSN. She was boring, and i was sleepy so i decided to tell her i was drunk and start trash talking. It went on for awhile till i told her i wasn't actually drunk and she was (in my interpretation of text emotions, Caps equate to shouting) pissed that i lied. I replied, "..whatever, if u cant take a joke, close the fucking window and delete me off your list NOW."

note: I'll only say this when I do not know the other party and she's not hot enough to be boring. She's one of the internet girls fooled by my pictures.

Now, any girl with decent self worth and capability to find guys would have done just as i told her to. The one's that don't, either have a thing for assholes, or they're just really into you. This girl starts having stupid laughing icons popping up on screen and tells me she's just kidding and i quote, "don't be angry". The meaner i was to her, the more she tried to pacify me.

Seems like girls hate people being nice these days. I just spoke to one of my female frends the other day, i'll call her Sponge. I said she's a sponge for bullshit and abuse cos she soaks them all up. Sponge is pretty much like some of my other female friends, she has a boyfriend who treats her like dirt. And like all of the others, she continues to be with him. The difference here is that, Sponge is hot. The problem with girls in shitty relationships is that they forget about their ascribed value.

Girls pay more attention to assholes. I dun get it. I had to give this blog address to this girl to highlight to her that i ain't a saint and probably all i want from her is her body. If u're reading this, yes i'm really not interested in dating u. Honest.

So next time when someone calls u an asshole. Its a compliment. Smile, bow, grab her ass.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Butterfly does not make it to ZoukOut

As i write this, 15 000 people are dancing half naked at Siloso beach. I belong to the minority who do not show respect to the biggest outdoor party of the year. I'm ashame of my non-participation in the mecca of parties. If u didn't already know, ZoukOut is like the Superbowl of parties, it doesnt get any bigger.

So why is it missing me? Well, i figured ZoukOut would make excellent blogging material, but since i don't have pre-sale tickets (too lazy to get), $48 is not worth blogging, unless i get laid, which is pretty tough. Firstly, ZoukOut is just another excuse to flaunt that month long training regime to get abs. Its all about hot bodies and hotter asses. I have non of the fore-mentioned qualities. I have a pretty face and a killer personality. I say so, i own this blog. Hence, no one's gonna give a shit about me, which leads to ZERO pussies.

In honesty, I actually tried going there. I was on a date before actually deciding to go down. So i had to convince her to not go with me. I barely make it to the gateway to Sentosa when i see this MASSIVE jam. Lee texts me to tell me "I suggest if ya not already there don't go. It's jammed to hell and back."

So im there stuck in traffic and i see people getting of cabs to walk there. Guy next to me in the Honda climbs out of his car (yes climbed out of his window. I think maybe the doors don't work, Honda's.. ) to see whats going on. I make a call to Reznor and GT4 to get a sit-rep on the party. GT4 tells me "the chicks are happenin' !!", the traffic on the other hand tells me to turn round and grab a hot fudge sundae at Kallang Mac's before i head home. I listen to traffic.

I call up my date again to meet her, telling her that i changed my mind on going and that its probably gonna be boring. The key words are, "i'd rather spend time with you". Im so cheap, i cant spend a Saturday night alone.

I get back in time to see Miss World on cable. Miss Philippines is HOT. Dear judges, you picked Miss Korea over Miss Philippines who had perfect features and an absolutely scorching body. You guys are idiots, all of you. You DO NOT pick someone just because she is more inclined to charity and have a better track record with humanitatian aid. The motto is Beauty with a Purpose. Beauty comes first. PICK the one with the huge boobs!

Post-script: I got Lee to fill in for me.

Hello, Lee/Cockhead here. I’m writing this entry for Butterfly ‘cause he couldn’t make it to Zouk Out. He detailed why he couldn’t go so I’m not gonna fucking bother explaining another time. Typing is hard work on the fingers and not to mention the brain. On a side note, how come I don’t have a fucking cool nickname? I should like to be henceforth known as X-0.*HungLikeHorse*.0-X. Even though horses aren’t known as the best lovers in the world, their penises are extremely large, and big cock = fantastic sexual prowess. Well, according to Blaque anyway.

Firstly Zouk Out is a steaming great pile of equine fecal matter (horsecrap to all those without a dictionary handy) {Note recurring horse theme}. The only reason I’ll touch Sentosa with a ten-foot pole (not mine) on Zouk Out night is ‘cause I was getting paid to be there. And being paid fucking crazy money too, like oh, say 30 bucks an hour to stand around and do fuck all. Ah, bless the good people at British American Tobacco. Gotta love it; good pay, free drinks and free smokes. Every job should be this good and/or easy. And I got to ogle girls wearing very little clothes too. This was free: call it a job perk if you will.

I got to drink free double-strength cosmopolitans all night. Pity I was working, I’d definitely would’ve have taken more than the 3 I skulled. I was nicely buzzed the whole night, which made “work” a breeze. Did I also mention I had free smokes? Life is good, very good indeed. That is until around 3.30 when it starting PISSING WITH RAIN. This wasn’t too much of a problem ‘cause the cosmo’s made me nice and mellow. Alcohol does that to me. Nothing affects me when I’m on the piss, insults are water off a duck’s back. So anyways, it starting getting windy too. Suddenly not so funny anymore. Cold weather sobers me up and I wasn’t in the mood to party anymore. They ran outta drinks and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna pay for some more. So there I was, sobering up fast, cold, wet and hungry. When it was was time for me to fuck off from there I couldn’t wait for home and a hot shower. This wasn’t going to be till almost 2 hours later.

I started walking back towards the end of Siloso beach, where I found zero cabs. This was a surprise to me, I was expecting a line of cabs up to fucking Malaysia. Dead fucking wrong. Ok, I walked up to Sijori and asked the dickhead at the desk for a cab in my best New Yorker’s drawl. Why the fake accent? Firstly because I can and secondly, hotel people are generally nicer to people with foreign accents and will most often bend over fucking backwards to accommodate them. I must’ve did a pretty fucking good one ‘cause the Ah Beng didn’t understand a word I said.

Me: Anywhere I can get a cab ‘round here, man?
Beng: We don’t have any taxis around here.
Me (internal monologue): No fucking shit, asshole.

So yeah, it resulted in me speaking much slower and more clearly for the benefit of our culturally impaired friend. And I don’t think I did a bad impersonation ‘cause he was speaking in that tone a dodgy camera salesman at Sim Lim would use on a hapless white tourist. Score one for the fake accent but zero for getting him to call me a cab. I walked out and called one. No dice. I kept on walking and calling and next thing I know I’m at Harbourfront. Very much not a happy camper at this point. Still no cab, too many Yank fuckwits taking one too. Every day in every way, I like Americans less. With frustration levels rising I took a train back home. Outstanding end to an outstanding event. Dance music festival, my ass. More like get sweaty, get sand in your shoes and insane queues to the toilet festival. Well fucking done Zouk, you have perpetrated the biggest scam in recent history since that Nigerian bloke decided to send out a couple of emails.

Wait you say, what about the girls? We don’t wanna hear your fucking whining. Well, there were lots in bikinis. BIG FUCKING DEAL. And why so? Chances of scoring are absolutely jack-squat, unless of course you happen to drive something red and very, very fast. Tsk. You may look but you may not touch. Pity though, there really were some very potential targets. Then again, I could be wrong. As I always say, with the right lighting (dim) and the right amount of alcohol (lots), ANYBODY can look good. Want proof? Just ask how many people have woken up next to absolute dogs.

Right then. That’s it for me. ‘Til next time and don’t catch any funny diseases.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Getting picked up is not good

For those who said that i'll lose my aura bcos i had my hair cut, u're WRONG. I'm still wanted hahaha, girls are obviously blind. I love blind people.

O Bar remains what it'll always be, the place that never ceases to fail. U can never go wrong with places with cheap drinks. For tonight, we're out celebrating Totti's bday. Lee is back from Perth so its his first outing with us. The girls actually out-number the guys tonight so we ain't fishing. Unicorn brings her fren Nat to join us. Sue is there with Suomi.

When we get there, Huixx is surrounded by guys as usual. The best thing she does all night is introducing me to one of her cuter frends. We do not fish tonite, cos the crowd is fucked, with the exception of a couple of girls. I on the other hand, become the target of two girls. I love being me, I love O Bar.

These 3 girls infront of us go into a horrible rendition of lesbian dancing. They're the three witches from Macbeth, dancing awakardly around each other, with ZERO co-ordination and negative finesse. They're not hot, but LB tells me they're about the best we can find tonite. O Bar needs the beautiful people of Zouk. We don't give much attention to them, and I tell Lee that they're easy pickings cos they choose to dance near us when they had so much room from where were.

Sue and Unicorn bring out their cams, which is aside from Johnny Walker, my next favourite clubbing buddy. I'm an absolute photo whore, and i admit it. I keep emphasizing, pretty people need to be on camera, heh. In between all this, Unicorn is trying to get me and LB to kiss. Its a fetish she's been harbouring for months now i think. It evolves into a dare wager, with me daring her to ask this guy in a sweater if he's feeling hot and her daring us to kiss. She's a wuss. Period.

The next thing i know, one of the three girls dancing infront of us grabs me to dance with her, not by the hand but she goes straight for the waist and neck. Apparently, introductions are passe, teenagers these days go right into grinding their ass on you. Unicorn is confused about what these people actually see in me.

Unicorn: "Huh?! What magic pill did u take ah?"

I'll be honest here. This girl is UGLY. Ok maybe I'm alittle harsh. She's not attractive, has bad complexion and a fat nose, she needs only to lose her makeup to qualify for a spot on Extreme Makeover. I go along cos that opens up her two frends for the guys to move in. See! I can be altruistic! And the guys actually laughed when i said i was. Hey, im an asshole, but i play my game for the team.

20mins of hell later, i make my escape from the clutches of the killer koala. There's not a moment when she doesn't have at least one hand on me. My ordeal with the territorial she-devil briefly went like this.

The first thing she asked me wasn't my name, but if i was attached. She then proclaims to the guys that i'm booked for the night, and tells me i'm not allowed to dance with any other girl tonight. Totti says he's my mama-san and i tell her to give him my booking fee. In between, she tries to kiss me, but i dodge. I tell her i have stitches from dancing so that i can sit. She CLINGS onto me endlessly, prompting LB to call her a Jacket. Through all this, im making 'help me' faces at the gals. They try to pry me away, but Jacket here is relentless, she's the Gold medal winner for persistence. I hate being me, I hate O Bar.

Totti moves in to talk to the other one in cap which is the prettiest of the lot. Its more like the lesser of two evils. The uglier frend, i call her NYJC cos she's a student there, is a cock-blocker, which proves my theory that the ugliest in the group is always the mother hen, cos they never get the dicks. She drags CapGirl away. That was a B+ cock-block on Totti. NYJC is a fuck face with vocabulary limited to vulagarities. She thinks she's funny, but she's just a fuck face. I hate her.

Jacket goes off to find them cos i run away at the slightest chance. I'm so sneaky cos i act as if im going to get drinks. I've paid my dues. I've refrained from a single word of insult all night, except when Unicorn told me to tell this girl that she's fat.

Jacket comes back and she now moves in for Lee. I'll leave this for Lee to fill in. We DO NOT pass judgement on anyone. An Ok pussy is better than no pussy, but no pussy is better than bad pussy.

NYJC starts pulling me over to dance with CapGirl. And bcos she tells me that CapGirl is interested in me, I be a total asshole an play hard to get. NYJC is pissed cos im not dancing with her frend and i quote her when she tells me this 4x, "Can u stop being an asshole? Asshole... My friend wants to dance with you!" She points her middle finger at me, and cos she's short she had to lift up her arms to do it. I say, "why? didn't shave today?". She rolls her eyes. One point for Butterfly, nil to fuck face.

Now the second girl picks me up for the night. CapGirl pretty much mirrors Jacket in the things she do. My name is secondary to my singlehood status. CapGirl attempts to kiss me, and since she's cuter, i do not dodge. She's however, not hot enough and im not drunk enough to start making out with. I do not kiss her back which prompts her to mouth gems to me like..

CapGirl: "Are u shy?"
CapGirl: "You don't like kissing?"

In fairness, she's pretty alright. Any girl forcing their tongue into my mouth without biting me is a pass in my book. I've pretty low standards, after the shit kisses i've gone through. The other romantic stuff she tells me includes her desire to rape me when im drunk. The exacts words went something like this..

Me: "I'm not getting drunk tonight"
CapGirl: "But i want u drunk, cos i'll rape u when u are drunk"
Me: "two more cups and i'll tell u im drunk, then u can rape me"
CapGirl: "I dun care, im raping u tonite."

I read this as a subtle "i want to fuck u". I'm the princess, and this is my fairytale world where everyone wants to fuck me. If u don't, u suck and u have bad taste. Hey, i've been right about this more times then im wrong.

The night is pretty much sane and mellow. Totti saw camel toes though!! Nothing else worthy of my mention. NYJC and me get into a stare down cos she's been rude all night and she was rude to Totti. She tells me she will slap me, i say 'so?'. I'm so childish, i just love myself. I can't believe i even bother with these 18yr olds. OHH i didn't mention? They're underaged. People who can be rude are people who look good. Ugly people should never be rude, people already hate u for looking bad, the last thing u need is for them to kill u for your personality.

Someone said something about looking after the girls cos Jacket is dead drunk and clinging on to Lee. I assholishly proclaim that, I was picked up, I didn't pick them up, and hence i should be cleared of all responsibilities which includes, taking their contact, hailing a cab for them or sending them home. Tell the judge to hit the gavel, the night is over!

And so for those of u (U know who u are!) who thought im appealing to girls only cos of my hair, U'RE WRONG ASSHOLES! HAHAHAHA!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Indo Girl and her blue movie

As I have mentioned on my tag board (if anyone of u actually read it), the Bali girl I met while on my holiday there, is in Singapore. It took me 5 days to actually meet up with her, but I finally did.

Like I promised, I'll write about the date if it was funny or a total wreck like how my other dates seems to turn out of late. Bali girl is in suit with the curse that's plaguing me, on issues i've mention on my post in "the conversation that fucked me up". She is older than me, which is nothing new of late. WHY WHY WHY???

Turns out there is no date. She texted me to tell me she's leaving Singapore on mon and that she's alone in her apartment at Coasta Rhu and asked if I could accompany her. I read this in my interpretation as, "I'm leaving Singapore, I need to fuck you before I leave".

I went to her place anyway because I'm a slut and I have nothing better to do anyway. I wrote about her in my Bali post, here. Just to recap, she's not wow factor. Her body is the best thing going for her. I actually cannot remember how she looked so I got her to meet me downstairs her place.

She appeared, and I now remembered why I wasn't too keen to fuck her in Bali to begin with. What made this worse was that she didn't have any makeup on. An erection was now going to be a challenge.

Anyway, we headed up to her place and started talking about everything. It was a boring conversation, I think we talked about satay 3 times, and I now know that 'gob block' which if any of u have heard of (meaning silly), is actually Bahasa.

The most exciting thing she said was about getting her clit pierced and she told me her friend was actually crazy about me when she saw me in Bali. Well, this is the tourist charm effect I largely seem to project when I'm on holiday. Then it degenerated into how she was glad that I wasn't into her friend and that she thought I was Jap and stuff. I yawned, and said I was pretty tired.

Then, she stepped up her game. In the best turn around play of the night, she JUMPS up and says, "You want to watch my blue movie?"

If I wasn't too aliened to the term blue movie, and that it took me awhile to actually register and realised she wasn't saying "new movie", I'd safely say she scored a spectacular comeback on that. For once in the night I was interested in something else other than 'the 70s show' on MTV. Don't you just love what porn can do to a boring date?

To me, this is something of a novelty. I've NEVER watched porn with a girl before. But we all know that watching porn is usually a precursor to sex. It's like a pre game discussion on what we should do later in bed, and it kind of marks out the route to orgasmic euthopia. Everyone makes mental notes on what to do, and we drop hints on what we like. The point is of course, to out perform the actor. Which in my case, was an uphill task, since my actor had like a 14" dick, he could actually be the body double of a horse.

Anyway, this girl was trying everything to get me interested. Since it was American porn, and the girls are like fat with huge sagging boobs and CD sized areole, I totally gave it a pass. She then started asking me questions on my sexual preferences, started forwarding to the sex scenes, started bitting her lips. She tried everything, just short of throwing in the kitchen sink.

She even told me to move to the bedroom because, and I quote her verbatim explaining, "the lighting there is better". For starts, we're watching porn on a portable DVD player, how much lighting can there be? I obliged anyway because I wanted to see where this would escalate to, and since all my dates of have high propensity to turn out to be shit, we might just end up playing scrabble after all.

So we lay in bed, she had the lights dimmed and then the DVD screwed up - it's anyone's guess if this was planned. No porn, which I equate this to being a huge setback for Bali girl, since her game is tied exclusively to porn watching. I waited for her to make a second scoring play.

She says, "No porn, so maybe we can act out?"

I'll give her an A for her second remarkable comeback. I don't know about you, but I thought that was pretty good. If you disagree, your probably wrong or jealous. Fuck off.

She then confessed that one of her primary objective coming here was to fuck me. A girl travelled 4 hours to fuck me!! Well, she, in all honesty told me that it was a wager she made with her friend. I don't care if I'm a pawn in a wager. I'm a slut, if anyone one of you girls want to fuck me because you made a bet with your friend, do not let anything stop you (unless you are fat, I will laugh at you before rejecting, then laugh at you again). I've zero morals when it comes to hotties or bodies. But if you're unfuckable, DO NOT apply. I'm superficial. My dick has pride too.

Yes, my interpretation was accurate, now I just need to do this for all soccer bets. What does she want as proof? She wanted to video me, naked. I say, "Fuck off, no way am I gonna watch my naked ass streamed to the world." She compromised and requested that she filmed just my upperbody. I tell her the best I'll do is that she can video me sitting on her bed, and her friend will just have to derive the outcome from the context.

This girl is a pro, she actually managed to reverse the dynamics of our roles. I'm now that cheap slut u see on porn flicks, filmed right before the dress comes off and gets screwed. I am not happy, sex is not worth this.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Girl tickles Butterfly.. shit happens

The most fucked up thing happened, but yet it turned out to be the funniest hook up EVER!

I went back with this girl, i'll have to fill in on the details later cos i need to get this down. Well, we all know what happens when someone takes u back or when u take someone back. No one's gonna be playing scrabble and no ones gonna just watch TV either. Let's face it, we're adults here.

So i we get back to her place and we start out with talking followed by some playful teasing. She starts kissing me, I playful tease her kiss and then avoid it. She starts tickling me for the stunt I just pulled, which turns out to be the biggest mistake she'll ever make.

I start struggling cos i really cannot take tickling. She sees the weakness and moves in for the kill. She tickles more.. i struggle harder and tell her to stop. And then in the most stunning reflex action ever..


I swear.. her head jerks back, she stumbles back alittle and falls to the ground clutching her nose. I immediately go over to check on her, while constantly apologising for my Gold medal worthy Karate kick. She's still clutching her nose and in her nasal voice, moaning in pain. I continue my marathon like apologies and ask if she wants ice. I thought i caught her in the face, but apparently i got her square in the nose. OUCH.

She gets up and tells me she needs to go to the bathroom. I ask her if she'll be fine, she shows me the ok sign.

So i sit there thinking.. Now that i just kicked her straight in the nose, I'd safely say thats the end of my night. Plus the fact that she looked pissed at me, Im pretty sure thats all the action i'll be getting for tonight. I think back, and I actually giggle to myself over the whole incident. Im so evil.

Well I was wrong. She gets out of the bathroom, her face wet with water, her nose slightly reddish, and she has less clothes then when she went in. Then the next couple of seconds blew me right off course..

Me: "I'm really sorry about just now.. are u ok??"
She: "Ya im fine, the nose still hurts alittle..."
Me: " I think i'd better make a move.. i'll...."

Before i even end the sentence, she jumps right on me. Literally forcing her mouth onto mine. Firstly, this girl ain't hot. But she starts stripping me. The next thing i know, she's south, giving me head. Through this ordeal, I actually do not move. This girl is crazy.. She looks at me dead in the eye as she blows me. She looks down, continues in an enthusiastic frevor i've never seen since starving Africans ravage through rations. This girl hasn't had head for a long time..

She looks up at me again and... OH MY GAWD... i see blood trickling down her nose!! And she's still furiously going at it without even realising. And what do i do?? I start giggling...

And the more i looked at it, the more i couldn't control myself. I start giggling so badly, i was shaking. I had to hold my laughter in and thats the shittiest most terrible feeling ever. I bite my hand to keep me from bursting out and i begin convulsing uncontrollably. She, thinking that the convulsion is a result of her class act blowjob, begins pumping me even faster and harder. I force myself sooo hard not to laugh, i start to choke and cough. And then, she says the funniest shit ever.

She: [taking her mouth out] "Is it good baby? U cumming yet??"

I look at her, blood is trickling down her nose after being kicked by me, and all she's concerned about is if Im cumming??? This girl is a keeper! I cant hold it in any longer, I burst out laughing


Me: "Your hahahahaha... your nose is... hahahahaha bleeding... hahahahha"

She is not amused. She wipes her nose and goes. "OH shit!!"

Im still laughing my ass off becos it actually dripped onto my pelvic. She is not amused by the whole thing. I don't blame her, but the whole scene was absolutely hilarious. The chick was giving me head after i most probably broke her nose and she was so caught up in the moment she didn't realise she's bleeding from the nose! How absurd is that! Now her nose is slightly bruised off centre nearer the cheekbones. I apologise, then giggled again.

She: "You are an asshole!"