Monday, October 31, 2005

Butterfly and friends invade KM8 pool

This is the most fun Sunday at the beach ever. Its always fun when i drink beyond the legal driving limit. Its always good when cheapskates like us, bring our own liqour, pre-poured into a plastic bottle and mixed with a jug of coke. We make the strongest mixers ever.

LB, Huixx and me reach KM8 close to 4pm. The Body (TB) and Reznor is already there. Miss Model(MM), GT4 and his cousin Sispec joins us later in the day. By sunset, we've already finished both bottles of Absolut Vanilla and Kurant, playing games like 'I've never', 'the no. game'... tooo many to even write out. Games are ALWAYS fun when the group is bordering on drunkness. I laugh my ass off watching the others.

The party really starts only after it gets dark and only after we start getting into the pool. The pool at KM8 is the equivalent of a vice enclave. Every fucking shit happens in the pool, and everything falls under the norm. Its the only fucking legal place to grope strangers and get away wif it. I love the pool, even though its murky and im pretty sure dozens have peed in it.

Huixx is the magnet. U cannot fucking let her outta ya sight cos irritating ang mohs just swamp in. And caucasians are the fucking thickest skinned people in the pool. They do not know when they're rejected and they cannot take NO for an answer. This asshole was soooo into Huixx that we had to actually push him away. And he goes off complaining to me how Huixx was so into him and wat a cock teaser she is. I quote...

Ang Moh: "YA frend is such a cock teaser man. First she comes up to me , she's like telling me to help her take a picture and how she only gets cute men to take pictures for her, and now she's telling me no!"
ME: " Ya dude, she's like that."
Ang Moh: "U know wat the problem is? U Asian men are too overprotective of ya women."
ME: "Dude, she was saying NO. You do realise it ya?
Ang Moh: "Nooooo, she was sooo into me man."

I fuck u not, he actually thinks its a role playing shit that Huixx is putting him thru. I dun get it? How many times does he want to run through the gauntlet of rejection? He TRIES to hit on TB and MM, fails big time. I tell him, "Tough luck eh?" Ang Moh here does not get the hint, he replies, "Yep. They don't know what they're missin' " Im so sure they teach rejection therapy overseas in schools. The words "fuck off" to him would probably mean 'I have a chance' to him.

This guy in the pool starts offering Reznor drinks, I dunno what drink its called but its this lemonade tasting pussy drink. Is there even fucking alcohol in it? I offer him our drink whcih is a Wicked mix of 200ml Absolut Vanilla, 200ml Absolut Kurant, 100ml Absolut Cranberry and like 50ml coke diluted with water. Its fucking nasty. GT4 brings the jug to me and tells us to drink. I that a sip and i say, "Worst.Drink.Ever", TB takes a sip, "Worst.Drink.Ever." Nuff said.

Anyway, back to this guy. So i offer him our potent killer and the fucker takes a gulp. Bad thing to do. He comes to tell me. "Dude, that shit was nasty! Its poison man. Its poison!". We joke abt how he offers me a pussy drink and i give him a potent shit in return. I dunno, whats the use of drink pussy lemonade and hope to get high on citrus? Fucks sake man, just OD on vitamin C or something.

We make samll talk and he introduces himself.
Luigi: "What your name?"
Me: "XXX and u?"
Luigi: "Luigi" (I fuck u not... people i guess u know whats coming next.)
Me: "So how's Mario"

Luigi shoots me the look. He's heard this one too many times and he's not amused. My wit is seriously curbbed by the alcohol. Yes im being corny, but com'on, how often u meet someone called Luigi? I forgive myself.

Luigi tells me he's driving so he cant drink. I tell him we're all driving too. And he asks what am i driving. I say, "a car?" and it cracks him up. Funny... i didnt think it was the least bit funny. My potent shit of a drink is fucking up his sense of humour. I asks if he's working and he says yes, and i be and asshole again and i say "at a pizza place?". I better stop.

We start making frends with random people in the pool, most of which is not of the same race as me. Im Chinese. I love Chinese. There's this actress Debra Teng that was there too. She's the teacher in Moulmein High, the hot teacher with the boobs. GT4 offers her a drink and i go over to make small talk wif her cos i was trying to flirt wif her but i cant really make out if she's even looking at me. I smile anyway. She's not so pretty up close, she tells me she's waiting for her drink which has some fanciful name which starts wif Vodka. I say, "sounds pussy".

Before we know it, GT4 and Sispec is joining us in the pool. A round of applause cos they have NO change of clothes. Everyone starts having this piggy back wrestling match. The gals climb onto the shoulders of the guys and and they start wrestling each other, whoever falls into the pool loses. My partner is TB. We are unbeatable cos we kick EVERYONES ass! TB does Muay Thai so she's already like Bruce Lee to the other gals. So when u pair Ong Bak TB with superman me, u get champions. Sorry, im now crowned champion of the pool, i should be given free fries.

Then two ang moh men start giving each other wedgies, one soon becomes naked. Yes, i see penis. Ugly naked angmoh starts pulling the others shorts. They look like giant retarded gays figuring how to undress. Whatever the case, naked people are always good entertainment.

Round two of the wrestling thingy starts again. The guys keep poking me to make me lose. Everyone hates winners, i forgive u assholes! Haha. And again, we kick asses. Some Ang Moh couple steps up and the fight gets intense, but the boucers break up the match for some reason. I dun understand, people get naked and its ok, and we cant wrestle? A penis goes a long way obviously. The Ang Moh comes over to tell us that we're very strong. Duh. Im the strongest man on sentosa. Im kidding, and i obviously say thank u. Im not even gonna try some smart ass answer, cos he can prob break my neck in 2 secs.

Imagine the pool to be one big ball room, where its those kinda dance where we keep switching partners, cos everyone floats around from. Everyone's a butterfly. Huixx is already getting it on wif Luigi. I go over to them and Huixx tell him how its been so long but we've never had sparks and thats y we're buddies. Luigi tells me, "u jus dun see it". Ohh, i see it, but he obviously doesnt cos i forsee his ass being played. So much for pizza boy.

This gal, Margaret comes up to me and goes, "so who has a tattoo?". I'm the only one in the group who has one so she drags me to this other guy and he tells me only bad people have tattoos. This guy is so not funny. He has a tattoo of his name across his lower back. Watever, its good for me anyway cos Margaret and me hit it off. Everyone has this habit of asking me how old i am, she obviously cannot escape this trend.

Me: "Might be older than u"
Margaret: "Definitely not possible"

I hate it when women say this to me. This is the third person in a month whose said this to me.

Margaret: "You are 24? Im 32"

I go like, "fuck get outta here", "Nooooo way.", "Dun fuck with me babe", every one of those lines lah, but still dun change the fact that she's 32. She probably had her first fuck before i learnt about masturbating and she prob smoked before i even knew wat 7-11 was. Just great, i had to pick the oldest chick in the pool. Dun they have age limits? Pools should be strictly 25 and below, C cups and above get exceptions, and limited to good looking people like us. Horny men shld be shown to the cubicles, plenty of tissue paper there.

Margaret here has probably gone thru the japanese occupation. She tries her best to convince me she's not lying by reciting her IC no. "S73...." I'm like fuck... stop babe stop.. ya making things worse. My mum could have been her classmate. In all fairness, every part of her A/B cup frame is still holding up well.

I get a serverely bruised chin cos LB pushed me into the pool and i hit my chin on GT4's head. Its been 3 hrs and my hands are pretty much like prunes already. The crowd's slowly dwindling anyway so we called it a night.

Had supper at Katong, was hoping for Katong Laksa at 12midnight, stupid thought i have. Supper was more of a karaoke sing-a-long cos we were randomly singing along to some oldies that was playing at the karaoke pub next door. The guys in the next table were staring at us. Everyone hates the noisy group. I love my drunk noisy group.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Butterfly goes partying with Gals

I've never gone partying with a group of gals (more than 2) before, excluding the times when i've accompanied my ex-gf to her drinking sessions with her air stewardess friends, where im more like a valet but become the party when i start telling them my funny stories. In any case, I've never as far as i can remember, gone out wif a bunch of gals to a club. I jus dun like it, not that i sway the other way, dun get me wrong, i love women only. I prefer to have guys around, so that i dun have to be the only one protecting the gals.

I'm bad at protecting people. Am i supposed to fend off guys hitting on the gals? I know I wouldn't want gals fending off other gals for me. In any case 2 more logical reasons stand out.
1. Going partying with a group of attractive gals means that NO other gal in the club is gonna hit on u tonite.
2. I hate it when im not the prettiest one in the group.

Rite, so to the story proper. LB aeroplaned me last nite. I hated him for 17mins until alcohol started to plead leniency for him.

I went drinking wif The Body, Sue and Miss Model ( im not being sarcastic, she really is a model, her portfolio pictures are like 'wow'. Pretty much just the pictures. ). Foremostly, i didn't really think i was gonna enjoy the nite much. For starters, I'm definitely not gonna hook up wif anyone tonite, and i cant drink too much cos i have to taxi everyone. I hate being the guy. Not jus because we cant have multiple orgasm.

I waste no time on the alcohol. Johnny is, and will always be my best friend at the club. I get a jug of Whiskey Dry. As usual. I tell them we cannot drink the same drink for the entire nite.

Sue is asking me drink to get next. She wants to try Midori Sprite, cos i was telling her how nice it is. Ok side story here, Sue actually thought i invented the drink cos Midori is similar to Minori, and she thought i made the drink up in my lovelorn state. Ignorant little gal. Sue ask the waitress and she's told its $13. I go, "$13 for a jug or glass?". Turns out its for a glass. Holy Cow! Since when did Midori cost more then petrol?! Sue gets it anyway. She's happy with it and tells me its HER drink from now on. Im glad i make impact on people's lives.

I get a round of Blowjob and explain the proper way to drink it. Yeah, i can imagine myself, teaching gals how to give head. Anyway, for the uninitiated, ya have to mouth the shot glass, without using ya hands, tilt the glass up and drink the damn thing. Sounds much easier than it really is, trust me. I give a demo, the The Body tries. The shot glass is tooo big for her to bite. She has a small mouth.. really small. Sue gives it a try, and falters on the first attempt. The Body is STILL trying. Sue takes the second shot and chokes. Yea, the drink shoots right to ya head. The Body (TB) gives up and takes the shot normally.

I need more drinks. I get another round of Lychee Martini. I drink two glasses and tell them to head down stairs for the RnB.

The moment we get there, irritating men start picking the gals up. These guys come up to Miss Model (MM) and start off with the most boring pickup lines ever. "My friend wants to know you." Com'on, u can do better than that! Those are fucking secondary school lines and these guys were at least in their mid twenties.

2nd wave of Irritating Buzzing Males (IBM) comes, TB is the best mother hen EVER. She tells the guys and i quote.

TB: "What u want?! Dun waste your time lah, She won't be interested in u la!"

Talk about a dent in the male ego. Hostility is TB's greatest asset in the club. She's helping the gals fend IBMs. I really dun give a fuck about who gets picked up. Sue really needs the pick up to get over a chapter in her life. MM has too many pick ups. TB looks like she'll kill anyone who picks her up. Nuff said.

I get a round of Apple shooters. The bartender tells me theres no such drink. WTF?! I remember clearly that there is. I try.. "Sour Apple?" he shoots me a "what the fuck are we? Fruit drink stall?" look. I give up. i order Illusion. Illusions here come in a freaking glass.. a tall freaking glass with ice.. i thought illusions were shooters?! Fuck it, i drink it like a shot anyway.
Hmm, am i still ok to drive? I recount on the stuff i've drank. Yep, i think i crossed the legal limit awhile back. Since there's no return.. I continue my drinking frevor.

I get Barcardi 151 for TB and me. This shit should be enough for me. We finish it. Fuck i hate the taste. TB complains its burning her throat. I tell her, "Worst.Drink.Ever". Wait, why am i drinking so much again? I havent even checked out the fishes at the club. What the fuck is wrong with me. I know that there's this gal from NUS whom i think is really cool (plus she has a similar hair style to me. Plus points always). Oh ya... im alone tonite. The closest thing to my fisherman tonite is Sue, who warns me she'll get emo if she drinks too much.

I get a glass of beer and a jug of Screwdriver of which im pretty sure 2/3 is drunk by me. TB tells me she's passed her halfway mark if drunkness. MM is dancing with this gal, and Sue is blending in with some tall guy group which she tells me are Soumi's frends. Good for her, the slamdunk team here is perhaps the only group physically eligible to hook up wif her.

I start taking random pics with this hairy Indian guy in a belly dancers attire, im not fucking kidding. Its NOT a halloween get up, neither is he employed by the club for any event. This guy is the shit! All the gals start dancing with him. WTF? I so fucking gonna club in a bra top next time.

TB starts vomitting... its a sign to tell me the party's over. TB is the most discreet puker ever! She makes it look like she's drinking, but she's actually puking into the glasses. I fuck u not. MM actually drinks on of TB's puke glasses cos it looks like beer with froth. EEwwww fuck!! I pity the person who kisses her tonite. She's loses points, Ho's that drink other people's puke and not know abt it gets demerit points for me, no matter how big ya cup size is.

In any case. The nite pretty much ends like that.. Its a tame tame nite for me but MM is raving abt how fun it is and shit. This gal obviously hasnt been out much. Dancing teletubbies would thrill the shit out of her.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Best Afternoon Entertainment Ever

I wake up to the best SMS message in the longest time, and its the most romantic thing a stranger has said to me in a while. The SMS reads, "Wanna Sex Tonight?" I kid u not people, i excuse the poor English for the captivating content it has. Now i know why my GP teachers always emphasize on the substance of our papers over the ability of the English language.

The SMS is from some strange no. which is not stored in my phone. I've seen one too many episodes of Punk'D to fall entirely for it, and i've had tons of strange people messaging me before, but none with such an 'A+' content. I decide that waking to this is worth my time and effort.

I reply, "And who the Fuck may u be?"

While waiting for a reply, i start telling the guys on MSN abt the SMS.

Reply comes in, "The gal of ur dreams. Making u a lucky boy tonight." The content is less engaging, but enuff for me to continue our SMS sex.

ME: "Lucky boy in my context would be striking 4D tonight. U on the other hand wld be the lucky one if u hook up with me."

I wait barely a min. Horny Mystery Gal (HMG), as i've decided to name her, replies, "Can u handle me? I know i can definately (spelling error here for her) take u in entirely." Ok, HMG is good at innuendos, but her spelling even with the aid of the predictive text is fucked. Thankfully, i rank my gals on their boob sizes, looks and ability to flirt shamelessly, i overlook bad spelling and poor English when i see effort being put in. Im typing out the EXACT words she sent.

ME: "Oooh I smell a challenge.. Bring it on!"

The reply stops. I bitch to Sue about how my afternoon SMS sex conversation has come to an abrupt end. LB comes to pick me from my place to head out to buy feeder fish.

HMG finally replies, "10@ Raffles Hotel". Ohhh she took so long cos she was making hotel arrangements? I forgive her immediately.

ME: "Why not now? Im impotent after 9pm. U better be pretty, I cannot fuck ugly people. Its just wrong. My dick will not be happy."

HMG: "I know u want me. U hinted to me before. Guess u already know who am i."

Rite.. this msg is probably the one that killed the game for me. LB and i go through who i could have said this to. Firstly, the people whom i've even mildly hinted to are either not in SG already, or i've prob already slept with them. And those that i've hinted to, are people i usually know. So HMG now comes up as pretty much a phony. I pretty sure i've not hinted to anyone of late so my concern now is flushing out the real person behind HMG. LB is telling me things to say.

ME: "Wats my name?". I figured that this could be some random SMS prank. Yes people are that childish.

HMG: "XXX". She/he nails it with the correct spelling.

Using my Sherlock deductions, i figured that this has to be someone i know or is a friend of someone i actually know. Not that my name's hard to spell but there are couple of variations to it. And plus I dun give my no. out to people in clubs, so this has to be an inside job. Elementry my dear.

ME: "Wahahaha tell me who are u pretty plsss"
HMG: "See u tonight"
ME: "Do i even know u?"
HMG: "Duh... U are an arts student in nus"
ME: "Are u in NUS too?
HMG: "Nope.. U wish"

Right, so HMG isnt an arts student, but the content is slowly losing its appeal to me.. where are the sexual connotations? where are the KEY words like 'SEX' ? Im now just curious on who HMG really is.

Com'on, hands up if u wish such things happen to u, getting a sms from someone asking u if u wanna fuck them. Be honest, who doesn't? Its like waking up on X'mas morning and ya parents tell u they bought u a stripper to play with at nite, but we cant unwrap her till 10pm. Fuck, i hate waiting. Nobody teases me, I do the teasing ard here! Sorry, I now belong to a special group of boys who recieve kinky SMSes, I now spit at "good morning hows ya day?" type of msgs.

Half of me is hoping that in my drunkard stupor i hooked up wif some chick at the club, gave her my no. and totally forgot abt it. But im quite sure tt didnt happen. Fuck. I hate being sober even when im heavily intoxicated. I run thru the gals again. Shit. The possible ones are foreigners who's SMS would probably go something like, "I is really want u.. i waiting u in hotel." The local chicks i know wld not need the annonymity.

I decide to call HMG. The bitch does not pick up. I fucking knew it u prank playing cock teasing bitch! Ok, back to story.

ME: "Pick up the fucking phone, cock teaser"
HMG: "No.. Im busy. Can't u wait for tonight?"
ME: "Nope, i dun meet strangers. Im shy"
HMG:"I'll find out later.."
ME: "Maybe.. just maybe. Call me then we'll see."

HMG is losing the enagement she had me with her first couple of msgs. I'm bored. It happens. I suffer from having a short attention span, could be the loss of key phrases. It's been at least 6 sms and she's not said anything romantic like ' i want u right now' or a 'fuck me good tonight' would have be sweet to commemorate our 8th SMS exchange. Ahh fuck HMG, Butterfly is bored.

HMG: "U dun really sound keen. Shall i give a pass on u?"

ME: "I dun even know who u are, for all i know, u could be some big ass guy waiting to fuck my virginal ass. Call me then we'll see."

That ended my afternoon entertainment. I was gonna meet this other gal from the club that nite so i didnt follow up. Com'on who in their right mind wld. Its a prank, but it did give me some entertainment, and on a self reflection note... i think i better start remembering people i meet.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Bad Hook-ups Stories

The Ex-Gf story

People, i've learnt that drinking fucks up our reflexes and also our ability to forsee the future. It leads to bad decisions and replies. When i was growing up, *cough* 18 *cough cough*, i got together with this female colleague at Citibank. I was a telemarketer, yup the people u jus hate to hear over the phone.

Anyways, i cant remember what happened the nite before i got attached to this gal, XW. I wake up the next morning to a nightmare. It was the most vivid dream of how XW and me got into this talk and i asked her to be my gf. I was like, 'phew, its all a dream'. The next thing i know, my room phone starts ringing, i stumble out of bed to reach for it, and i get the WORST wake up call EVER!

XW: "Hello Dear!"

U know that feeling when ya world starts spinning u wish u can just slam the phone to earse what u just heard? My world came crashing down, she said 'hello dear' but it had more off the effect of hearing "U have luekemia". Needless to say i remained speechless.

This gal is alright, except she has this damn weird thing about wanting u to check on her every other min. For example, there was this once she was gonna meet her frend in town, i didnt go cos i had stuff to do. She calls to say she's leaving.

10mins later: She calls to ask why i havent called to see where she is. I go 'huh? ok where are u"
XW: Why u never ask where im going ah?
Me: U said u were going town...
XW: ya but town so big mah, i'm going to taka.

15mins later: She calls to ask why i havent called to see if she's reached.
XW: Why u never ask if im there safely?
Me: I take it u are safe...
XW: Ya i am, but i havent reach taka yet, im just walking there only.

5mins later: she calls back to ask why i didn't ask who she was meeting?
XW: Why u dun ask who im meeting ah? U dun care about me ah?
Me: Who?

That was the day i started planning the breakup, which fell exactly one month to the date i woke up to the horrible dream. I was a horrible boy, faced with a crazy gal, and so i freaked. Cant blame me.

The 2 Thai Dancers Story

A while back, LB and me got to know these two thai dancers from a pub. On the looks department, they aren't the Miss Thailand calibre but in all fairness, they ain't ugly either. I cant remember either one of their names but i'll just call them Tom and Yam.

Tom has shoulder length hair, a tattoo of a rose across her belly, and protruding teeth (kinda like the horse mouth type). Yam is less discriptive, but what i do remember is that both had rather bad breadth. LB went for Tom and im taking Yam.

Ok, you'll ask y despite all the physical flaws are we still going out with them. One word. Boredom. Plus they look really good when they are dancing and the the occassional flashes of spotlight across their face.. you all know about the light effects in clubs. Anyway, we decide to ask them out for supper on night, probably 2 days after knowing them. Industry standards. LB called and they told us to wait for them at the hospital near Botanical Gardens (shit i forgot wats it called). Anyway, because they sounded so secretive over the phone, LB and me figured something might be wrong so we parked the car further down and i staked out at the overhead bridge. They show up about 14 years later.. Thais have no sense of timing.

We head to Newton for supper, which by then we are already bored cos they are less appealing out of the club. We arrive, and ordered food. The usual banter...blah blah blah.. and then some jokes.. haha ha.. and then it all went wrong...

While Yam's laughing, i spot a chilli flake (quite a sizeable one) stuck to her upper gum. I cannot stop staring. LB sees it too, and he's not saying anything. I look at him and we say nothing. Ok, i've got this thing about food in people's teeth. I cannot bring myself to tell them, LB has the same illness. I start to think of a distraction.

a) make no eye contact at her
b) tell LB to stop telling jokes that makes her laugh
c) know that the night is fucked.

Call us anal.. but i cannot bring myself to tell people of buffet left overs on their teeth. I keep telling myself to LOOK away. I start focusing on her A/B cup boobs.. not helping. Everytime she laughs, i cry.

I can smell retribution here..
**LB, explain to me again.. why did we hook up with them?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Drunk Friend Stories - Part 3 ft. LB

The Nastiest Looking Puke Award

I finally get to see LB drunk and i have his drunk ass on video. I can see why LB doesn't like drinking.. cos he's puke is nasty! I only wish i had taken a pic of it. Its creamy looking, and it looks like a HUGE bird shit. It actually looks like raw oysters, covered in cabonara sauce with spinach. He actually looked like he was foaming from the mouth and the puke was this thick blob cos it fell to the ground with a 'plat'.

LB was pissed cos i was singing "LB are u ok, are u ok, are u ok LB." --> its meant to be sung in the tune of Smooth Criminal (Annie are u ok, are u ok , are u ok annie... ) geddit?

Anyway, LB was pretty gone cos he cant remember much shit that happened before. I've clubed with LB so many times and that friday nite was the first time i actually heard him say, "eh go buy a drink lei! I share with u." LB is NEVER enthusiastic about drinking, so obviously there was some looming factor present.

Hands up if u guessed it was a gal! LB is into her, although his drunk ass gives him selective memory of the nite, he was raving on about how cute she was, and at one point i felt almost threatened to agree wif him. "u she not cute??! She is how cute! She's like *raises his hand to show a 9 wif his fingers* cute!!"

LB was like. "okay u wait, next time u drunk u die!"
I'm like "Bring it on bitch" *snap snap fingers*

Ohh purrrleeaseee......I write blogs when im drunk! I remember details even the 'sober' guys forget when im drunk. Eh.. i shld be a party writer.. any hirers from MediaCorp?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Butterfly meets Superficial Queen

Im a pretty superficial person for those who know me. I'm only attracted to people who are pretty or have a kickass body. Character is pretty much secondary to me, but this past Sunday, LB, Reznor and me met the Superficial Queen. I mean, this gal is seriously whacked! Her justifications of her criterias are totally TOTALLY warpped.I've met many warpped people, Blaque was my epitomy of warpness till this Sunday.

To start things of, we all have our list of 'what we like in our men/women'. I love women with tattoos, sharp nose, sharp features, good body.. blah blah blah. I absolutely do not date people whom im not the least physically attracted to even if they have the personality of a rainbow, the wit of those people from 'who's line is it' and the blowing skills of a porn star (i'll never go this far to begin with).

So we start talking and we ask her, Cindy, whats the thing about men that attracts her the most. She likes men with nice eyes and a nice smile. Ok.. pretty common answer we think. So we move on. We ask her what's the other impt physical trait, she says height. Cindy's like maybe 1.5m, so height is a pretty subjective matter here. I dun mean to be mean but, a 1.6m tall guy is decently tall comparatively. Then, it all starts...

Me: so whats a nice height?
Cindy: 1.75 at least

LB, Reznor and me shoot each other the.. 'she's joking rite' look. 1.75m at least? That puts him 25cm taller than her... is that even ideal? Im probably saying this cos im not even tt tall, but standing next to Cindy, she's barely at my shoulders. So 1.75 at least? Com'on cut some slack here

Me: Wah then if the guy 1.8 metre tall sial? Funny rite?
Cindy: No.. My Ex was 1.84m
Me: Then kissing quite diff for the guy leh.

Cindy is not amused.

Cindy: 1.72 still okay, but he has to have other redeeming qualities in loh.
LB: Huh, so if below 1.72 u wont consider? Even if he is damn good looking?
Cindy: Men under 1.70m look weird loh.

We go on about what if she falls in love with a guy and he's below 1.70, and she goes on about it being impossible. LB finds this absurd apparently.

LB: I mean u go speed dating then how?
Me: Yah, the guy would look pretty normal wad, sekali he stands up ( We act it out for her, we think its funny. Cindy doesnt).
Cindy: Then too bad loh..
LB: Just because he's short?
Cindy: Yah, short then no sense of security wad.
Me: Wad if he's short but he's damn fucking strong.
Cindy: But im already so short, i need some one tall in case i need to reach for stuff? Two short people look weird mah.
ReznorL Wad if he can jump really high.

This conversation is really whacked. We are having a ball just throwing dumb scenarios. Cindy obviously doesnt realise that the average height in SG is ard 1.70m and being 1.65m, you'll probably still be able to reach for the highest shelf in supermarkets. Its dumb if ya 1.65m and u need to find Shaq to reach for that box of cereals.

We decide to throw in other factors. Cos she maintains that height is only factor.

Me: So what if he's 1.75, damn good looking.. but he has a 4 inch dick.
Cindy: Then cannot loh..
Me: What if he's Keanu Reeves but he has a 4 inch dick.
Cindy: then too bad.. break up.
Me: Just bcos he has a small dick?! Then next time sekali u get married then on the nite of ya wedding u realise he has a small dick how?
Cindy: That won't happen.

We are throwing the dumbest scenarios of bad breadth, BO's, overtly hairy etc at her and her list keeps growing.

Cindy: U ask any girl loh, no one will date anyone shorter than 1.70

Ohh gimme a fucking break! This is bullshit man, she's making 1.70m seem like the benchmark to celebrate escape from dwarfism. In her country, Snow White's probably some huge ass bitch and the Seven dwarfs are average Asian men. And this is totally crap because Cindy's 1.50m! If she was like 1.65 or taller we'd probably not have kicked up such a rack.

This gal is SUPERFICIAL. There is no such thing as 'might consider' in her dating vocab. Its polarized to either '1.75 or not'. She wun even consider 1.69m, 1.72 is really pushing her limits. On top of that, the guy needs to have nice eyes and smile, no odour wadsoever, good looking and importantly a big dick.

I suddenly feel like a slut for my negotiable list of criterias. I need to start being more picky.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Drunk Friends Stories- Part Deux

The Most Glamourous Vomiting Award

I've always associated puking to being unglam, who doesnt. Nobody likes to be seen puking, and i dun think anybody loves to puke, save for those bulimic bonebags (If u plan on puking wat u eat, then why bother eating!?) I dun get it.. if its the taste of food, then just chew and spit.. u dun have to go thru the agony of puking, unless of cos ya G-spots in ya throat, and vomiting stimulates it then.. puke off.

Well, the heroine and uncontested winner to date is my dearest Huixx. Its been over 5 years ago so youth is always the excuse. This happened during our 2 month stint at Citibank, on one of our nite out at Boat Quay. Hey dun shoot me the 'eee u go Boat Quay' look, for fucks sake, it was at a time when Boat Quay WAS the place to be.

Huixx and i joined this whole other group of people, whom we actually hardly knew. We knew this gal XW, whom i have a story to tell abt, and she introduced us to her frends who bought drinks. As one of the only females, Huixx was faced with round after round of drinks.

I'll skip to the part. So the nite ends. Huixx and I walk out to take a cab. Huixx is walking very slowly, as usual. I sit down at some curb to wait for her. She walks... suddenly, turns to her left, pukes for like 2 secs, turns a round, flips her hair, and says straight to me "Don't u fucking tell anyone!" Its a scene right out of a Gucci and Johnny Walker collaboration runway fashion show. Huixx made Gisele look like a newbie on audition for ANTM ( for those who don't watch TV...Its America's Next Top Model, u shld seriously start watching TV.. this is the shit!). Im sorry i jus have to mention it cos i jus saw the show.

Horkay, now i say why i had to tell this story. Firstly cos i need to keep up the blogging fever and secondly, its part revenge cos Huixx almost got me killed cos she accidentally blurted out a secret. This has no relation wadsoever to the main story but i jus tot i'll be fun to say. Since this guy currently owes us money and he isn't paying...

This JC mate of mine, i shall call him Circle, told me about one of his make out stories during JC days. It was abt him and his gf making out at a cemetery. Yes u fucking read it right. A CEMETERY aka Graveyard, i dunno where they got this sickass kinky idea, but they really did it there, in the day. So there i was, this 18yr old hearing this story and he goes on about how he couldn't unhook her bra and how they were making out and got caught by this roadsweeper.

I was like 'dude, this is the best fucking thing i've heard all morning!'. And he goes 'dun tell anyone'. Right, u seriously trust an 18yr old to keep this story to himself?!?! I mean this is big, this is like finding out Oral sex isn't about dirty talking! How the fuck can u torture me by telling me to not tell anyone!?

So i did the most logical thing. I told my bestfriend, Huixx. Huixx kept the tightest lip, or so i think. Until, 1yr later at my friends BBQ party. We were just crapping about the good ole' days when Huixx just all of the sudden went, "Ya lah, anot like u meh, make out in cemetery and kenna caught."

Circle shoots me the 'Wat the FUCK!?' look. I try to play it cool, Huixx realises she blurted out the biggest secret of our year. Im sorry if u guys have better secrets, but I found out cemeteries make great places to make out, sue me and fuck off. Huixx and I neutralise the whole shit. I go, "Of cos i tell la! How u expect me not to tell!? You fucking made out in a cemetery leh!" After saying this... i realise how not interesting it seems now. I was a dumbass 18yr old.

Circle says one word. "Swee" translated as the typical Cheena response when u are speechless or cant be bothered to continue. Can be replaced be "You good" sometimes.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Reznor's Birthday... just another victim

The Butterfly Tales..

Reznor a goner..

Reznor and my toy for the nite.

After a week of staleness, I finally got something to write on. I am now in possession of blackmail pictures of Reznor, but it was his birthday and we're all allowed to be unglamourously drunk on our birthdays.

After a busy day, I’m now officially in the ranks of Oprah, David and Jay in terms of hosting prowess. I do not talk to people who have not hosted even a birthday party. We are in different leagues. Sorry, private joke here for LB and Reznor and those who know what happened. I’m now Super. We are the Supers.

Being the spoilt brat that Reznor is, meant that he got to have a party way after his actual birthday had passed. No one was complaining. We seriously needed a reason to party. This was not a fishing trip, with the gender demographics split down the middle. The Body was there, Gerrie, Cindy, Winnie, Huixx and Jules, and Blaque joined us past midnight.

The place was crowded with Caucasians, and I think there was a school prom. Everyone was so young, I thought MTV was filming an episode of ‘My Super Sweet 16’. I have to bring this up; O Bar has an absolutely dumb entry system because Dbl O and O Bar both charges $20 for cover but entry from O Bar does not include Dbl O, while the Dbl O entry gives access to O Bar.

Obviously, my bitterness here is pronounced because we entered through O Bar, only to realize we shld have gone through Dbl O instead. The unsympathetic waitress refused to give us a refund. Heartlessness is a hiring criterion here.

Anyways, back to the story proper. I have ZERO fishing interest tonight, save for the fact that I,
a) Do not like White pussies
b) Am shorter than half the white women in the bar who're probably a basketball team on holiday
c) Do not date people who can out slang me

The simplest reason is that, WE, have the Best Looking Group in the club, period. Everyone of the gals with us are by far hotter than the general crowd, but since we do not fish within our groups (usually so), we're contented to be the eye of envy.

I had a new toy for the night. A breathalyzer courtesy of Round Eyes. It wasn’t the kind that gave you your BAC reading but it just showed the range you were in. We aim for the amber zone which I believe is 0.15 to 0.35mg. I don’t know how much that was, but I reckoned I’d still be able to pee standing. We got two jugs of whiskey dry. I skulled half a jug and blew; green. Fuck.

11.19pm: The first jug finishes. I blow. Amber. I become the first in the group to hit amber. I now do not talk to people in the green zone. I am the man.
11.36pm: LB is complaining that the breathalyzer sucks. He drinks more and blows. Green. He sucks.
11.39pm: The second jug empties. We get a jug of vodka Ribena. LB blows an amber. He joins the cool gang. Reznor still blows a green. He is an amateur.

The Body came by with three of her friends, one of which distinctly stood out from the othes. He had successfully integrated 3 cultures into one. He was the walking epitome of cultural harmony. He had a couple of piercings, one on his lower lip, which was pretty grunge. He had the typical Ah Beng centre parted hairstyle. I saw the effort in making the transition, most former bengs are now fringe grunge/hip hoppers/rockers. Versatility is in the blood of all Chinese. And he had the pot belly of Homer. With his white 'oh so tight, get me one size smaller' shirt, he reminded me so much of Homer Simpson. I shall call him Homer.

Unfortunately, Homer is a pretty nice guy, which meant that I had to practice some degree of civility. He bought a round of tequila shots and Reznor bought him back a jug citing some rubbish about ‘paiseh’. People, the dynamics of gratitude and thanks in a club is such that we should not be obligated to return the favour, especially not with drinks.

12.09am: I announce to TheBody she has to be in the amber zone by 1am.
12.12am: The people around me are checking my toy out because they see me blowing into it. They find it hard to believe that it’s a breathalyzer. I actually think they don’t know what a breathalyzer is. This guy actually asks me if he can try, I tell him it’s spoilt. I do not share toys with random strangers with dicks. I allow only the females to try.
12.24am: Reznor is still blowing green. Maybe it’s my breathalyzer. I blow. Amber. Right, Reznor is a wuss.
12.46am: I want to buy Reznor a waterfall. The waiter tells me its $35, I say 'for ten?'. Com'on.. $35 bucks for sucking on fire? I buy Reznor a flaming lambo instead because its much cheaper at $25, and it turns out to be in pairs. I call Gerrie down to help me out.
12.47am: Reznor downs his lambo. Gerrie is nowhere in sight. The impatient waitress starts to light my lambo.
12.48am: I am left to fend for myself. I drink the MILDEST tasting lambo in my life! The shit has no kick. Gerrie appears and she tells me she just had a flaming lambo too. I tell her to blow. She blows a green. Too many Pinocchio's here tonight. I tell her she has to hit amber by 1.30.

12.55am: We get more jugs. I explain the rules to Cindy and Winnie. EVERYONE has to blow an amber!
12.56am: Reznor blows a green again. The boy has small lungs. I specifically say, "Blow long and hard." He gives me his longest attempt of 4 secs. People reading out of context here probably think we're having some mass blowjob orgy.
12.58am: The Body's time is running short. She starts knocking back the beers and whiskey with serious vengeance.
12.59am: She blows.. keeps blowing.. and its.. Amber! One more in the group

1.08am: I tell Cindy and Winnie they have to be in amber too. They're game for it.
1.16am: Cindy blows an amber. I tell her I'm aiming for red. She's game for it.
1.18am: Winnie joins the elusive amber club.
1.26am: Gerrie makes amber. I get Blaque to join the club but knowing his history, I’ll say amber is too dangerous a target. Huixx and Jules arrived fashionably late, but it’s always good with them around. We started taking pictures. Everyone is a photo slut.

Suddenly, I saw Reznor grabbing someone and shouting at him. Apparently, that muthafucker tried to get fresh with Winnie, kissed her twice and from what I heard, 'molested' her. The degree of severity was unknown to me. I couldn’t make out if Reznor was talking to him cordially or trying to pick a fight, but Jules caught wind of what happened and he went over to the asshole.

Okay, Jules was the kind that would make you shit in your pants and have you eat out of it just by starring. He's the last person you want to get into trouble with. The guy was just standing there, might have pissed his pants, his friends were staying out of this and none of them wanted trouble.

The bouncer eventually pulled the guy out of the club. Apparently, Winnie was just being dramatic about the whole debacle, she just wanted the guy out of the club and blew his advances to her entirely out of proportion. Either way, she was back to drinking so I don’t really care.

I told Jules about the drinking game, which now had a convenient slogan, 'blow a green, buy a drink'. Jules blew green, and got a jug sportingly. I blew again to show him how really men drink and blow a Green! But I just blew amber! This breathalyzer totally blows...

Reznor was a goner. He was muttering absolute rubbish which was just perfect entertainment. He was going on about drinking petrol and that he wanted to drink V power. Huixx told me that Blaque was comparing biceps with Jules and she set me up for an arm wrestling match with him. I've almost never been beaten in arm wrestling, but Jules was way above my weight class and his arms were huge. In my amber blowing state, I agreed to it and it climaxed to a draw.

Reznor was still mumbling rubbish. I gulped down a glass of whiskey and blew. Still amber. This was bullshit, I’ve probably had enough to pee kerosene. Reznor was still going on about drinking V Power. I can’t really remember the other crap he was randomly spewing out from his still green blowing mouth, but some was just fucking hilarious.

We headed for supper and Reznor started frenching the table as soon as we get seated. I just love birthdays.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Butterfly goes to Bali... Bombing ensues

If you haven’t already heard, yes there was a bomb blast again. I don’t want you to read in hope about some story of me hooking up with the native chicks and then read about the blast and go "What? There was a bomb?". I really wished I could tell u about the babes and the topless sunbathing in detail but the bomb shit is going to steal the thunder anyway, since it fucking robbed me of one full night out in the town. And so the story goes..

Some huge screw up in the hotel transfer arrangements left us stranded without a pick up service. The upside to that was I believe in atonement, the hotel upgraded us to a deluxe villa.

It came with a private pool, a cabana and it was double storied. It was the very sort you’d drool over while flipping brochures of "Best Fucking Hotel Places In the World". My parents had some deluxe suite with we made a very stale attempt to gush over. Let’s face it, rooms without private pools just blows.

Before you actually run off to make reservations, I hear the going rate is US$750 per night. Which totally sucks because it'll probably meant I’ll never be stepping back into the place anytime soon.

Perhaps it was the jet lag or cabin pressure, but my dad caught a serious bout of youth fever and he insisted on going drinking with us. Some 2 beers and 300 metres later, he threw in the towel, which was perfect because the night was still young and I really wanted to soak up the local fervor.

I didn’t have my fishermen with me, just my sis, Nig (my brother in law) and Dennis (my cousin). It was a motley crew of blood relations and a moral beacon in the form of my sister, who fell on the opposite end of the moral spectrum from me. It was my makeshift entourage barging into the first crowded bar we came to.

I’ve already had two beers and a frozen margarita so with the last round of drinks I’ve pretty much crossed the legal driving limit. No one gives a shit about it. The place sucked. The girls were ugly, the dance floor is filled with people who cannot dance and the only saving grace was workable toilet flush. This was the only place you would get to see the Macarena and salsa actively being fused together.

I finally spotted this gal in white tube who was the perhaps the only girl I’ve seen all night without a belly and saggy ass. I was in love already.

12.15am: I head to the toilet. The Bintang Beer is working my bladder hard.
12.18am: I walk past the dance floor and this girl in white taps my arm. She has two other gals. I smile and they start giggling. Other than the white one, the rest will kill a full erection in 4 secs. I do the only sensible thing and head back to drown myself with beer and hope they look better later.
12.20am: I tell my sis about them. They are still ugly. I drink much faster.
12.23am: Dennis and me head to the dance floor. I cannot possibly let the white men steal the night.
12.24am: One of the girls in red starts to rub up to him. Dennis leans over to tell me. "She's damn horny" yes, but she's also damn ugly.
12.26am: I make small talk with the girl in white. She's called Suci and she's going on and on about how she loves SG. Whatever, I pay no attention to conversations without my favourite key words.
12.43am: We decide to return to the room to fully enjoy our private pool. I just love the sound of that.

We headed to the opposite convenience store to grab some booze. After some deliberation and coaxing our budding restlessness, I decided to ask the gal in white to come back with us.

Me: "You wanna head back to my hotel, we can continue to drink there"
Suci: "Ok ok you wait for me I ask my friends"

She brings one of her cuter friends along. Dennis immediately steps up to take his role as the wingman. Then it started to rain, almost as if God was telling me something. Then it begins to get heavier to the point where the girls absolutely refused to watch in the rain any more and headed off. I make no attempt to stop them. God made His point.

The pool was the best thing to happen on this trip. The rain stopped as soon as we got back and we wasted no time diving in and drinking ourselves silly in the pool. This was the life. 35mins later. This was not the life. I want babes. Being in a kick ass pool with no one to wrap my arms around is seriously wrong.

We made the long walk back. The pubs were emptying out. The group of gals were gone. The people there though I was Japanese and started talking to me in Japanese. I started some pseudo Jap accent and rumblings to confuse them. We walk into this club and 5 metres into it, I felt something wrong. For one, the ratio of females to males was like walking into China’s one child policy! I see topless men kissing. I see all the men smiling at me. I was Gisele walking into Pulau Tekong.

We got out and this group of Ladyboys started calling me over. Being a seasoned hand at dealing with them, I answer their request. I winked, smiled and walked off, only for them to start running after me. The ladyboys here are nothing like the beauty queens of Thailand. This guy came up to me in his Gay-as-the-day English slang and started chatting me up. He wanted to take me to a disco.

2.23am: Gay boy here is holding my hands.
2.24am: Gay boy wants to kiss me. He tries to kiss me. I start pushing him away.
2.26am: Gay boy is SO fucking into me. He starts whispering sweet nothings to me.
2.27am: Gay boy offers me 1 Million Ruppiahs to sleep with him

Gay boy: “I'll pay you 1 million Ruppiahs to fuck you.”
Me:I'll give you 2 million Ruppiahs to fuck off.”
Gay boy: “You are so not straight, I know a gay when I see one.”
Me: “Ohhh, ya gaydar really needs oiling sweetie. I’m straight as hell.”
Gay boy: “No, you are so not straight.. you want to fuck me..”
Me: “I only fuck Japanese, dude.”

That went totally wrong. What I actually meant to say like was "I only fuck Japs..". ‘Dude' was a totally wrong punctuation. Gay boy is ever so convinced I was twisted and he started forcing his lips on me. In any case, we left because I was being molested for free just by standing there. We decided to call it a night. There was a long day left to be engaged by the throat.

Day 2

We were up by 8.30. The beach was beautiful, the waves were mesmerizing, and the women were topless. I love Bali and I love the nudist. I spent pretty much the entire day under the sun. I've never enjoyed the pool more, solely because girls actually sun tan topless there. The novelty of my field trip of boobs died out pretty fast since I don’t fancy Caucasians to begin with, so seeing them topless was anything but erotically stimulating.

Everyone there thought I’m Japanese. It’s the association with all yellow skinned tourist. They think every Asian there is from Japan. Everyone started a conversation with us in Jap and we wpuld lose them mid way through, ‘Konichiwa..”

The locals there have a problem with taking rejections. They kept bugging me to do a Henna despite me telling them I only do real ones. They don’t know a "No" when they hear one and they keep retorting, "ok ok tomorrow you come back I give u good price". I don’t want a good price.

I got random people coming up to tell me they loved the Samoan tattoo I have at my hips, and which guy I did it from. I don’t understand how people can’t tell a Henna from a real tattoo. My mum loves my tattoo. Hands up if your parents tell you they love your tattoo (She thinks its fake, but for that 20 seconds, my mum was actually cool).

Dennis and I took a really long walk down the beach. There was this really pretty girl (half Dutch- half Indo, all hot chick) which was pretty much the best thing the whole afternoon. I got hit on by this group of ladies/aunties. I really don't know if they were Jap (three of them really looked like one) cos they said something to me in Jap and when I turned to smile, they started giggling and smiling like 15yr olds. One of them was topless and her post C cup boobs having seen better days was beckoning me to go over. I hold a board meeting with Dennis to evaluate the situation. He does not share my sentiments of a Saturday afternoon with saggy titted ladies as being conducive.

If u guys know nothing about the sex tourism trade in Bali, then I need to catch u up to speed. Women come here to find boy toys. Jap women are known to come here to seek Kuta Cowboys (local surfers). I get a calling. I am obviously living in the wrong country. And now the story proper.

We went for dinner at some seafood joint at Jimbaran, and if you have been following Diana Ser closely through the evening news, you'll know that that was the place two of the bombs went off.

7.37pm: We get to the place. It’s bustling with tourist. It’s by the beach and hordes of people are already eating.
7.46pm: Everyone goes to pick the seafood. Nig and me stay behind
7.50pm: We hear a loud BOOM. Sounds like an explosion. Everyone rushes to the beach to see what’s happening. The thought of a bomb blast actually crept into my head.
7.51pm: The local people at the place is telling us to relax cos it’s apparently some fireworks. I walk back to my table.
7.52pm: A second louder BOOM. We feel the impact of this one.
7.53pm: The locals are still using the fireworks explanation. Well, Indo's are bad liars. The sky is totally clear. Fireworks are obviously done indoors in Bali. This Indo guy says something in Bahasa to me with some hand actions. I think he was trying to say "Godzilla”. And he starts laughing. I mumbled, "So.Not.Funny".

We continued with dinner although Nig was sensing something amiss because phone calls started pouring in at the place. I was glad to oblivious to such shit because I continue eating my lobsters and crabs like it was just a two gun salute and I was pretty sure the Prime Minister’s speech was coming up.

Then reality set in. Dad got a call from his friend about the bombings. The phone lines are jammed and my sis started getting tensed. My parents started spreading news of our safety through my mum's friend who managed to contact us. I am the only person sulking. The ride back was quiet and silent, not a word breathed between us. The driver was disturbed and looked like he was ready to cry. The roads are jammed and the ambulance siren was constantly blasting as dozens of them weaved through the traffic.

This was fucked up. I had planned to party the night away but what was I going to do now? I really didn’t want to be spending my last night in Bali sleeping early. The bombing was doing me in, big time.

Me: "So quiet in here.."
Sis: "Then sing a song.. "

I started humming, then stopped when I realised I was singing "Never Say Goodbye". Probably not the best song selection. I think of songs from Mary Poppins. I wanted to sing "Supercalifragilisticispialdocious", but it was pretty unlikely my parents were going to turn into the Brady Bunch sing-along, so I decided to shut up instead.

We get back to the hotel and checked up on the latest. Some guy informed us that five bombs went off. One at Kuta which was about under 7km from our hotel, two at Jimbaran Bay, which was where we ate and two at Nusa Dua, which was where we were originally slated to stay.

My dad is the kind that can never remember details. If you have a 5 word sentence, you’ll lose him at the third. Every time we started talking about the bomb at Jimbaran and he’d go, "We were at Jimbaran?". Every other line is shocking new discovery to him.

3mins later he’d be at, "Huh? There were five bombs?". He has no idea what our hotels name was either. And it eventually got to a point where we wondered if he was even with us at Bali.

Dad: "So the bomb went off at Jimbaran and we were eating at Nusa Dua?"

It was pointless. I called for a whiskey dry and apparently whiskey dry is served neat on the rocks. I knocked it back and called for an Absolut Vanilla with coke. When we got back to the room to check the news. We realized how close to the catastrophe we were. I started complaining about not being able to party and dozed offer shortly after.

Day 3

We started the day like we did yesterday. The beach was empty but the tourists at the hotel were going about life as usual. I ordered room service and had breakfast in the pool. Mum says something to me about not eating while in the water. I ignored her.

Round Eyes called me to check if I was okay. He told me this hilarious story about how Sue and LB got so worried about me that they made everyone else panic as well.

XY called shortly after about being so worried after reading the papers, that she repeatedly kept me on redial all morning. Sue called to say she actually went to the airport to check on my details. We have a winner. We checked out and left the place shortly after lunch. The airport had tightened up security and we had to pass endless checks and queues.

Two Jap ladies were standing behind me. My mum called me over to join their queue, which was moving a lot faster. I acted like I was on holiday alone and ignored her. Traveling with parents cannot possibly be an attractive trait women love in men.

Mum: “Did you like the holiday?”
Me: “We nearly died and I stayed in on a Saturday night. I’m sure this will qualify as the best holiday ever.”