Monday, November 28, 2005

Butterfly gets drunk, doesn't remember shit

Finally, so much for my drinking prowess..I'm a loser haha I dun rememeber shit about Zouk. The weird thing is, I drank about 1/3 the amount I usually drink. Honestly if i could remember how the night went, I'd give u a detailed write up. I've asked the guys to actually write for me and i'd post it. For now this is what i remembered..

LB and me chatted up this girl, Michelle, a PRC. I thought she was hot, and her dance is too 'seductive' to ignore. Her routine is similar to female masturbation. She's here to study (ya rite..) English.

I tried to steal a bouncers drink. I got caught.

Saw one old school mate.

Saw, my friends ex-gf who also happens to be GT4's ex gf. Small world.

The guys daring each other, one of it involves them frenching me for $50

Stopping in the MIDDLE of the road to puke.

Ok, now the things i DONT REMEMBER

- getting into trouble with some Ah Beng for dancing with his chick.

- getting this girl's contact no.

- irritating the shit out of gals

- leaving zouk

- supper

- driving home safely, parked my car and got to bed.

I woke up this morning laughing my ass off cos i can't believe i got home in one piece. My mum asked me if i was drunk last nite cos i was puking. I said.. "No, i didn't puke" and she was like, "You were hugging the toilet bowl!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... I thought that was pretty funny. My mum didn't.

Anyway, I lost one side of my contacts so I had to go get it replaced. I went to the optician at Suntec and I said I wanted to check my eyes cos I would like to get new contacts to replace the one I lost.

I go to wait in this room for the optician and she tells me to remove my lens. I cant see well without lenses. My optician comes and she looks pretty young, I figured from the clothes she wore and the tight ass she had. I cannot see the face clearly. I flirt with her anyway.

She: "So how did u lose your contacts"
me: "I ate it"

She looks at me in silence for at least 10 secs. I wish i could she her expression.

She: "you ate it?"
me: "ya"
She: "Why would u do that?"
me: "I was drunk and my friends dared me to eat it."
She: [pauses] "Errmmm, expensive meal ..."

I don't know if she knew i was joking, but in any case, i go on talking to her about random stuff. She fits on the glasses for me, i stare at her while she does it. She goes, "Erm, you're actually suppose to look at the screen and tell me the letters."

me: "the screen is not worth my time, you're better to look at."

When i said this, i was having the lenses slotted in. The vision was still blurred but i could make out a rough sketch of her face. At 300 degrees, i think i should not have flirted. At 500, im pretty sure i shouldn't have. Two words.... Serious overbite.

She tells me my degree is 500 for one side and 350 for the other. I tell her to check again, cos i cant be that blind. I'm wrong, i've apparently been 500 for 4 years already. She starts asking me random questions about myself, after i tell her she's the youngest prettiest optometrist. Well, that was after i got my vision back. Yes, im a liar.

She hands me over to this sales girl, very pretty melayu. I talk shit about the cost of disposable lenses. $90 plus for 6 weeks! WTF! I so fucking bet i got conned. She thinks im funny, cos i keep telling her to give me the cheapest ones and not the ones with diamonds.

salesgirl: "these are recommand by the optometrist."
me: "$90 bucks for contact lenses!? The lenses better give me X-Ray visions for the money im paying!"

I get free cleaning solution compliments of the optometrist. Lying pays off.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Butterfly argues with kid, learns new vulgarities

Children are horrible creatures. I must say, politeness is almost non existent for most kids. They've never heard of the words 'please' and 'thank you'. They stare at u bewildered if u ask them 'what must u say'?

I just had a terrible day with kids at the roadshow, at least it was entertaining and I had fun scaring the horrible ones.

The first kid on my 'to kill' list is this young boy who was so cute, he looked like the young Harry Potter. Chubby face, messy hair and dark rimmed specs. He comes up to me and go, "I want balloon". Usually i dun bother talking to them, unless they're cute and worth my time. He was worth it..

Me: "What must u say?" ( I teased the balloon in front of him, i was looking for the magic word, 'please')

Boy: "Give me the balloon.. NOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!" ( he starts shouting)
Me: "You have to say, 'please'."
Boy: "Shut up u buster! I will.. (he mumbles some inconherent shit, which sounded like 'pokemon')

I give it to him, not cos he deserved, but bcos he was making quite a scene and the last thing i want is for him to start crying.

Me: "Here u go, Voldermort."
Boy: "I have a hamster and I WILL LET HIM BITE YOU!! U SPIDER PIG PREK! (he starts mumbling again)

I was like, What the fuck, u have your balloon already HellBoy! I have no fucking clue what the fuck a spider pig prek is, and he starts his mumbling shit again. I think he is putting a hex on me. I ignore him.

Then later these two cute caucasian girls come along asking for balloons. They are about 4 yrs old, dressed in a pink dress and they look so much like angelic flower girls. That was until they started popping my balloons did i realise they were daugthers of Chucky. I see the resemblance in them when they stab my balloons. They are all sent here to punish me for being an asshole.

I tell them, "people die from bursting balloons!". They run off. I'm an asshole. I know.

I realised that only the cute kids did evil stuff like shout vulgarities and not be polite. I guess looks really allow u to get through some portion of life.

Kids are also greedy. They all want more than one balloon. I wished the balloons were filled with helium, then all the greedy kids will be up on the ceiling. Then i can tell the other kids. "See what happens when u get greedy? God takes u up to have a word with you."

Thursday, November 24, 2005

The Fake Boobs Story

This is the other time i almost fucked up sex.

If any one of u guys have fucked anyone with fake boobs, you'll know that imitation is never better than the real deal, unless of cos it went from A to C/D. Apparently, there's alot of care that goes into taking care of implants. One has to massage the boobs regularly to ensure that it remains soft. So i presume for penile enlargement, one has to wank off religiously everyday.

For those who worry about not being able to distinguish real boobs from implants, dun worry. You'll definitely be able to tell once the clothes come off.

I hooked up with this gal who had huge boobs, i was guessing a D cup, quite a while back. In between kissing and groping, i realised something amiss. While fondling her boobs, i found them to be alittle on the hard side. Very hard side. If anyone has touched an embalmed person before, the feeling is almost identical. It felt like i was groping a mannequin. Initially i thought it might be a strapless bra, then when i couldn't feel any bra, i thought it might be those silcon bra shit. Its only when i felt something else did i realise she wasn't wearing any. I was young, innocent and direct, so i asked if she had breast surgery.

Turns out she did and i was about to fuck someone with fake boobs. Her rock hard pups went from turn off to novelty. I was about to bed a surgically enhanced female. I now belong to a select crowd of men, who have screwed silcon Barbies. I have diversity on my 'fucked' list. I will soon be properly initiated to the world of American porn.

Then came the the most disturbing scenario.

Like the other stories, sex spirals everything downwards for me. I realised i was increasingly becoming put off by it (the boobs).

Her boobs never bounces, shakes or vibrates. It just sits nicely plastered to her chest. She found the real solution to keeping the boobs from bouncing, and its not called Sports Bra. She's on top of me straddling and all i could think off was.. 'I'm fucking a mannequin'.

I grow increasingly limp. I face an impending possibility of screwing up sex.

She asked me if everything was ok and i said might be because im drunk. Im not. I'm a liar.

She's evidently not happy because its probably only been like 5 mins. And we spend the next 10mins or so in bed, talking about breast implants. And she tells me she has to get her boob job re-done because 'they are getting hard' and she asked me if i realised it. I say, "Nope, feels ok". Im a liar.

I don't even know how to describe the boobs. U can rattle it with your fingers and i swear u can hear 'tak tak'. At that point of time, i was the only one in my group who had hooked up with silicon valley patients, so I had no one to turn to for advise. I told Huix about it and she said she didn't know of anyone who's done it before. The guys thought it was a kickass hook-up, I however stick to my words. "Turn.Off"

p.s : I however take my words back now. Having seen better end products, i conclude that breast implant is a beautiful invention.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Sugar Mummy proposal

Since this is a blog where i share my stories, i have the impunity to kiss and tell. And since its an annoymous blog im pretty sure retribution will take awhile to find me. And for some reason, i have a sudden surge in viewership, which is good i hope. So I shall be honest, and share my most embarassing hook ups. Im a dud.. sometimes.

This is one time i almost fucked up sex. I realise that people should never talk or ask too much questions during sex. Talking leads to adverse effects and unwanted information.

I got to know this lady. Notice i used the word Lady. She tells me she's 29. One night she calls me and says she wants to go to the beach. I being the nice person that i am, agree to her request. We barely spend an hour at the beach and she blatantly says, "let's go to a hotel" which i read it as, "I want to fuck you". I feign ignorance and say, "Why? u hungry ah?" and she says the sweetest words. "I want to eat u".

Anyway i'll cut the long story short. Sorry, im bad at building up erotic stories on details. I summarise details, and i categorize it as foreplay. Lady has an average body that has probably seen better, firmer times. Minus the fact that she has an eraser head nipple (if u know what it looks like, its a turn off for me). She however, makes up for it with her enthusiasm in bed.

If Spanish Fly was real, i bet she took it. She wants to do everything, minus the anal and tantric sex, which is good cos at this point of my life, im not ready to make such a commitment. Having just hooked up with a Dead Fish (its another bad story) just couple days ago, im pretty sure tonight was going to be good.

Everything starts out good. Then it spirals downwards.... really fast.

I start picking up on things i don't like to see, like a little tummy, not firm boobs, eraser head nips, stretch marks.. the list goes. So, because i'm distracted, sex becomes mechanical. Im NOT enjoying it and its beginning to get worse. Lady on the other hand is having a great time cos she's not met anyone that has lasted so long. She verbally tells me this, while im still doing her.. and it becomes the WORST sex compliment of my life. It goes like this..

Lady: [moaning and panting] "This is one of the best sex i've had in 30 over years."

What, my avid reading fans, is wrong with this sentence?! Bingo, if u noticed the age discrepancy here. First, she tells me she's 29, and now in her heighten state of euphoric orgasm, she says '30 plus years'?? I honestly hope she's counting the 9 months she spent in her mum's womb. Whoever told u to not give up on hope, is BULLSHITING your ass! Hope springs eternal my ass! Hope is just there to give u a buffer before reality hits u straight in the face.

Me: "What 30 plus years?"
Lady: [laughing] "nothing.."

Apparently, sex is a good way of making people tell the truth. The police should switch to this interrogating method. And sex, or the withdrawal of it is great way to make people confess. I stop humping, and demand she tells me. It went something like this. I was pretty close to shouting,

Me: "How old are u?!"
Lady: "30 plus.."
Me: "31 is 30plus, 39 is also 30 plus"
Lady: "Not so old lah, about 38.."
Me: "WHAT IS ABOUT 38?!! 31 years old???"

Lady is 38 years old. She request I continue to fuck her. I am still disturbed by it and Lady has no sympathy for my cheated dick. In the most graphic detail i can give u, she lies back on the bed, spreads her legs and says, "let's do it again" in mandarin. I kid u not. Had i read the story about faking an orgasm earlier, i would have done it to get her off my back. Honestly, i'm unable to fulfill her demands. She ask if i'm bothered by her age. I say "Nope". I hate myself. I'm a liar.

Most of u would probably think its not a big deal. To me it is. I hate being cheated. And yet her confessing her age also proved to be a sort of resolution. Now i understand why there's a tummy, stretch marks and her lack-of-firmness boobs. Its all explained. I HATE THE TRUTH.

Lady then gives me the best proposition i've had till then. It all started because I said I wanted a sugar mummy and she told me that with my looks, it would not be a problem cos older ladies would dig guys like me. She then suggest she be my sugar mummy.

Her proposal,

- $20 a day. Which works out to $600 a month.
- I have to answer to her every desire to have sex.

I equate,

- $600 at a cost of self dignity and worth. No problem.
- Answer to her calls for fucks. Can be done.
- Getting an erection. Not possible.

I pass.. I absolutely cannot, will not fuck her again. I start ignoring her calls since.

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Shortest Date

Im writing this after just returning from what is and could possibly be my shortest date ever. Short dates aren't always bad.. they can be absolutly horrible. I know. I just had one. I was just about to make myself a nice cup noodle when I got this call. It's from the sister of this Thai chick I got to know when I was in Bangkok. I'll call the sis Kermit (explaination later). I've actually spoken to Kermit on the phone before cos she was doing translation for her sis.

Ok, a quick run through. I've been in contact with this Thai chick, Nan for couple months now and I also got to know that her sis would be in town for couple days and she did tell me to meet up with her. I've not seen the sis before but since Nan being a cutie herself, I therefore equate that apples generally do not fall far from the tree.

Yes, but unfortunately, apples do rot.

So Kermit calls me just as I'm about to boil water. She tells me that she's staying at Crown Prince Hotel and ask if I could meet her tonight. Let me evalute.
a) I am hungry
b) I have an exam tmr at 1pm
c) Tourist make excellent prey

Hands up those of u who opt for meeting a potential fuck over reading boring notes on Women in Japanese Society and references to porn actresses. Against my better judgement i tell her, "I can't stay too late cos i have an exam tmr." and I spend the next minute explaining what is an exam. Thais... don't you just love em'.

So I head straight to Crown Prince, Swensen's to be exact. Now, I've never seen Kermit before, but she has seen tons of my pics, cos Nan rips tons of my photos off the net and that she always demands I be on webcam. So how am I to recognise her without calling her and risk her seeing me in case she turns out to be ugly? I can't. She tells me she'll look out for me.. great. No Houdini acts tonite.

I get there, and I hear someone call me. I turn and see..

Not everything has a dichotomous value ascribed to it by me, you know good and bad.. pretty and ugly, etc. But this gal falls under the extremes. The bad end of it. I usually rate them as such, 'Fucky', 'Fuckable', and 'Fucked up'... this gal opened up an entirely new catagory all by herself.. 'wah..FUCK!'.

Let's see where do I start. Firstly, this gal has weird eyes, obnoxiously spaced apart. If they were slightly higher up her head, she could qualify as a frog. Secondly, she has a fat nose that she uses to snort marbles with. It's the Jim Henson's Muppet Babies reunion. I do not get to comment on the figure cos she is seated.

And you think that is bad? Nooo... the bicyle is just getting perched on the hilltop.. the downhill ride is just only beginning.

She's not alone. A key point she forgot to tell me. I'll forgive her if it's a female, but in this case, it's a gay (or at least from what I deduce. I don't go round enquiring on people's sexual orientation). Well so I guess i have to half forgive her on this. This guy isn't good looking either, slender physique wearing a tight turtle neck sweater, with average features.

Kermit starts complementing that I look alot better in person and she cannot stop smiling. It's ok to me, but the problem is, this guy couldn't stop smiling at me too! And as if that wasn't bad enough, he kept making seductive gazes at me. If I wasn't going to fuck her tonight, I was pretty sure he was gonna fuck me.

Kermit ain't exactly proficient in the English language so her speeches are in stutters and some make no sense. I've been out with enough girls who cannot speak English well, China ladies,Thais, Japs, Koreans... but I always found a way to work past the language barrier. And that was to just not say anything and just keep smiling at them all night, but I could not do this tonight. Those women were attractive, but Kermit is the Devil's way of saying "HAHA...You should have stayed home to study asshole!"

I could focus my attention on the guy and just smile at the better looking of the two. I don't know what is worse, giving the wrong impression to a gay or being hit on by an ugly girl. I've said maybe 2 words since I got there. They'll out score me if it was an English oral exam. My vocabulary has been strictly limited to "ohh" and "ok". Sometimes I throw in larger more bombastic words like "Thanks" or "sorry".

Kermit is telling me things in her Thai slang of an English (its funnier when I actually imitate her) "Nan, she really like u. We is thinks you really ham-sum na." And then she'll break into a laughter whenever I smile or say "ok". The shit thing is, Kermit has this habit of rolling her eyes backwards when she laughs. She just has to do it with both eyes in opposite directions, and I swear she can audition for the role of the chameleon in the next HP colour printer advertisment.

I sit through another 6mins of them telling me where they've been since they've got here. It something like this..

11.04pm: Kermit "ermm we go to err..."
11.05pm: Kermit "ermm i.. dunno how say in Engrish"
11.06pm: Kermit "we go to shopping.. in China.."

I cut her off immediately and say "Chinatown" cos I cannot wait any longer for her to complete the sentence. She goes to ask me if i've been there.. HELLO! I'm a Singaporean.. its just like asking a Thai if they know any transexuals.

I have to cut myself loose. Gay boy is leaning too close and he's asking if I'm heading anywhere after this. I guess that's what he's asking, there was only two coherent words in the sentence he said 'go' and 'where'. I search desperately for the nearest fork or knife I can find, in case he gets too close, I can stab myself with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic, but I have neither the vested strength, time nor erection to give a fuck about what they are saying or planning to do. I do not even attempt any wise cracks cos they won't understand anyway.

I tell him I have to leave, much to their dismay. Kermit says she wants a picture with me to show Nan, I say "Ever heard of photoshop?" and she goes "what u say? I no understand". Fuck me.. lets get it over with. As much as im a photo slut, Kermit's face closely plastered next to mine is not a good way to make me smile.

I look at my handphone. 17mins. Fuck me, the village idiot and tourist entertainer. Let's face it, I'm not being superficial, but giving equal chances to people who clearly aren't equal, is called Communism. We don't support that.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Butterfly goes for John Digweed

Im not an avid fan of progressive house so im not too sure about how big this John Digweed guy is in the industry. I've been told his about the equivalent of say, what Nelly is to hip hop. I'll break it down for u some more... Digweed is like a Lexus, sounds impressive but still like every other car. I just like dancing to progressive house, i dun give a fuck about who's spinning.. as long as its hard and im drunk, all's good and i'll be happy.

Anyway, i get there late with LB and Vinny and met up with TB who was with some of her frends. Im bored.. just hanging around when i spot my dream girl. This girl is the EPITOME of beauty for me. She nails every feature. Sharp nose, nice eyes.. and her top is screaming for my attention. Its some semi-bare back shit which i dunno how to describe anyway. Her figures pretty decent too. She scores like a 10.5/10. She looks like this Jap actress, Kaede Matsushima. Do a google, but i've attached a pic of her just in case. Oh ya, she's a porn actress, just in case u guys start google-ing in the sch library or at work. This is her.. in a not so flattering pic.

Sue comes to join us pretty late into the nite ard 1pm, jus slightly after Reznor. The place is shit packed. And its getting boring. I've already been to Zouk 3 times in a span of 8 days. And we were just here yesterday. I've still spent under less than $10 on drinks in total. I'm a total cheap slut. Yesterday, Miss Model wanted to buy drinks cos she wanted to celebrate her bday..which is a month away. What an idiot. My battle with conscience went something like this.

Me: "I'm gonna suck her dry"
Reznor: "Where's your conscience, i thought u're suppose to develop one?"
Me: "Fuck the conscience, im a slut when it comes to free drinks"

And thats not the only poor helpless chick i squeezed. I met this other frend who's a Singapore Girl now and i just went, "Wah SQ ah.. pay very good eh?" Apparently SQ girls are all very intelligent. She gets the hint at an instant and calls for the waiter. Free flaming lambo. Yes, im a whore. I'll dish out complements that will land me in prison without blinking.

For today, Sue comes and tells me the sweetest thing i've heard all nite. Romantic words for tonite goes along this line "Wanna drink? I'll buy u drinks". Sue had originally wanted to chase shooters. We do it in this sequence.

Blowjob->Quick Fuck-> Sex On The Beach->Screaming Orgasm

This will cost u about $48. I've probably chased this twice at zouk with my platoon mates years back. Originally Sue wanted to treat me to this, but economic downturns, pms mood swings and broken promises mean i get a B52. Im not complaining. A drinks a drink. Side note.. guys wanting to pick girls up shld always buy Screaming orgasm, cos people always tend to ask u "what drink is that?".

The sucky thing abt famous DJs spinning is that there will always be a crowd. The crowd never thins. The most fucked times are when people, who give you the impression that are just walking through, end up JUST standing infront of u. Its one thing when its hot girls, i totally forgive they're assholish act. Hot people are allowed 2 assholish acts per day. But its another matter when its fat people..

This two girls/women (can't really tell from the bad makeup, weird dressing, sagging boobs) intrude into MY space. One of them is HUGE. She's has a huge ass and she's wearing a dress meant for C cuppers. This lady is about 2x of me. Im not mean, but this lady had to come squeeze into my space. I kept going on like, "Where did the shark come from?" and i kept calling her Lenny from Shark Tales.

Turns out her friend is pretty hot. The moral here is never strike off fatties cos even lard has useful properties. Fatties are bound to have hotties as frends, cos hotties need fatties to accentuate themselves. Hot people are assholes.. i told ya so.

Anyway, Digweed is pretty much overated if u ask me. I tot Seb Fontaine (if thats how its spelt) was much better. But really who am i to judge. I rate nites according to my state of drunkness.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Butterfly and Internet Dating

We've all done it at least once before. Meet people off the internet. Dun deny, i come from the age of MIRC and Alamak chat dominance. Friendster's probably one of the best ways to know random people off the net. Blaque and Reznor are masters at this, and their filtering techniques are quite.. unique.

I've never msged anyone on Friendster before, although i've been told its pretty easy to make new friends. To date, i've had close to 70 people who have taken initiatives to msg me. Im not bragging, im a net hottie HEHE. Im kidding la, if u cant take a joke, fuck off. Out of these 70, i only reply if

A) they look good in their pictures
B) the content is engaging and goes beyond "hi add me" or "Hi wanna be friends"
C) the pictures are actually them. Too many fake accounts

I've had only two authentic hotties msged me, that i can verify to be real people. I've got countless fake account msgs (or at least i think they are. The pictures are usually of people with enough calibre to be in ANTM). Firstly, hot people DO NOT msg, they wait for messages *wink*. And out of all the application to "Date Butterfly", i've met 3 of them. 2 words.. "Fucked.Up"

The thing about meeting people off the net is that, they always seem to look better in the pictures. Yes, some people look better in person, but that falls under the minority, probably the same percentage as HIV positive eunuchs. If they look shit in photos but wow in person, i'm never gonna meet them anyway cos i do not entertain people with ugly pictures. What every one of these 4 gals failed to tell me prior to our meeting is that

1. The picture was taken before they discovered Seoul Garden's All u can eat buffet.
2. They had $200 worth of Anna Sui plastered on their face. Make up is a mircale, just like how beer gets ugly people laid. Makeup gets dates for ugly people.
3. The pictures are taken under very flattering angles and light.
4. Or as my japanese princess Minori tells me, people ONLY put good pictures of themselves.

I write this because i just met one recently for supper, much against my better judgement. I've already have 2 bad experiences below my belt, and i never learn. I shall start with the first. I shall call her Eve. Eve 'found' me through and i replied because she looked cute in the pics. She had bangs and quite oriental looking eyes and it was in a time when i was mad about bangs and totally in love with this model, Evelyn Sheu.

She had about 10 pictures up on her page and they looked decent at worst. After several weeks of MSN and her constant persistence to meet, i finally agreed. I was working at Suntec then for some road show and she came down to find me. Thank god i had LB with me, i'd have died if i was alone. She was almost nothing like her pic. Her eyes are the dullest thing and it reminded me of Raymond's brother in Everybody loves Raymond. I search desperately for her twin sister, the one in the pics. No twin.

Meet up no. 2. This other girl was neither pretty nor did she have a sharp nose. She looked very much like Anita Mui and her photos were very artistic. She told me she models..that explains it. It also helped that she was very chatty and funny, and plus she drives. Plus points already. She came down to meet me one day while i was doing another road show. Two words. Almost.Died.

The shit thing about them popping by is that, i have no where to run or hide. This girl, i call her Freckles, for apparent reasons. She's too plus for me. Firstly she's tall and she's not slim. Not even atheletic. She needs to leave her car home and jog to work everyday. Like contestant #1 before her. She's NOTHING like her pics. She's one of those that discovered the buffet.

And for the guys who know Miss Model and seen her Friendster pics, u'll totally understand why blind dates generally lead to much disappointment. Thats the problem with print models, they look good only on print. The last one is not even worth mentioning. Boring date with superficial conversations on generic stuff. None of my fav key words. Its good she paid for the meal. Im a slut.

I met Eve on a seperate occassion again cos she wanted to buy me supper. Worst decision i've made. She scratched my car door by hitting it on a barrier while getting out. In my vengence, i made her pay for, and i quote her, "the most expensive supper in my life".

So for all those who have had fairytale meet ups, good for u. For the rest even thinking of trying, DON'T BOTHER. Never trust pictures.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Conversation that fucked me up


For some reason or another, the women i've met recently or have hooked up with in the last past 6 months have two conjuctive traits. They are either older than me, or attached. Sometimes both. In any case, i have retribution waiting for me around the corner. I just know it.

I was having this random conversation with a frend of mine recently and we were just talking about me and if i've been seeing anyone of late, or at least after i acquired singlehood. I decided to be honest with this frend whom i shall name M.Agony, and it turns out to be the most guilt greeting, paranonia planting, diabolically disturbing conversation. I regret talking.

M.Agony: "So have u been dating anyone lately?"
Me: "Ya.. just so happens that they all turn out to be older or they are attached."
M.Agony: "Older is alright wad... but u date people who are attached?"
Me: "Well i dun really date them i just play this game (I explain my game to M.Agony)"
M.Agony: "Oh my God.. do people actually play this game with u?"
Me: "Ya.. for some reason.. only the attached people seem to want to play.. weird huh?"
M.Agony: "U are so going to hell for that.."

M.Agony isnt the moral preaching kinda person, but the whole absurdity of the game is a novelty to her. Ooops i forgot to mention M.Agony is a female. Needless to say. M.Agony is not on my 'to fuck' list.

M.Agony: "So have u slept with any one these gals?"
Me: "The attached ones or the older ones?"
M.Agony: "The attached ones of cos! Who the hell cares about cradle snatchers?"
Me: "In the what time period?"
M.Agony: "Oh my god.. u are kidding me right? U are catagorizing them in time periods??"

I tell her the magic number and she tells me. "single digits are good.. i hope you're planning to keep it that way." Before u start running off and think i sleep around alot.. i don't. I'm absolutely kidding about the time period thing. Im a butterfly..not a hamster.

M.Agony: "So when u say hook up.. u include kissing?"
Me: "Well if i include kissing.. then that number would be invalid. But everyone of the last 5 women i've kissed falls under the 'older or attached' heading. I cant seem to meet normal girls."

M.Agony: "Let's see.. you've been kissing attached girls.. u do know of the word karma? maybe retribution? Well...I know that ya not thinking with your dick, and im pretty sure u have a clear mind to imagine that this could be your future gf next time."

For a moment.. i finally start thinking straight. These women whom i've kissed, made out or slept with were people who were actually someone else's girlfriends. Some of them swayed because they were facing relationship problems, but some of them were actually happily attached but did it in a moment of mixed curiosity and madness. When i say madness.. i mean it in a good experimental way (also read as Drunkness). Yet, just the sheer coincidence of the multitude of these women that i happen to meet, turning out to be cheaters is enough to send a wave of moral panic. Is society really becoming more promiscuious? Thankfully, alcohol is a catalystic element in most of my cases.

M.Agony: "Makes u wonder if ya ex gf ever cheated on u eh?"
Me: "Fuck.. no way dude..."
M.Agony: "Oh yeah.. i bet these girl's bf's probably said the same thing u did. Right before u fucked them."
Me: "Fuck u! Im positively sure she didn't"
M.Agony: "So sure she never kissed another guy? In a club maybe? Heavily intoxicated.. alcohol is an aphrodisiac after all."

M.Agony fucks up my head (both heads for now). I still recall LB telling me how he laughed when he saw the pic of this gal's boyfriend, bcos she slept with me. Im an asshole, but this was all in the past! Everyone makes mistakes. I couldn't have worn a green hat too... could i? Well, im positively sure my ex has never cheated on me , as in slept with another guy, but there's a slight chance she might have kissed someone else. I dun really give a fuck now.. cos its in the past.

M.Agony: "U feel shit rite now eh?"
Me: "Whatever.. I've kissed enough attached gals to make up for anything thats anyone has done to me."
M.Agony: "Ya i can imagine.. Ya next gf.. she could probably be kissing someone else when u aren't around too."
Me: "Fuck u.. i bet u've done it before."
M.Agony: "Cheat on my bf? Yes... twice"
Me: "I hope u live in Iran. They stone people for this shit."
M.Agony: "I'll probably see ya ex gf and ya future gf there too. We'll all get stoned together."

M.Agony is a wise crack. On any other day. NO one out talks me, for now.. my head is a mess. I know for sure i won't be dating anyone of those gals, but at the rate of me meeting new people who all flutter in vice, im pretty sure my love life is gonna be married to paranonia.

Random images come floating back to me. I once dated this gal whom i thought was really hot. Its the C cup boobs and 23" waist and long wavy hair. Turns out this gal is a virgin (she's attached btw), and she's a catholic. I had to find this out when we were fooling ard at my place, it scares the shit out of me, I lose interest. A month with me and this girl loses most of her virginal traits and she tells me she wants to play My Game. We were kissing even when she was on the phone with her bf and she later refuses to pick up his call.

The above could have happened to you.

I suddenly freak out on the thought of my gf making out with another guy while talking to me. FUCK everyone! My conscience now is sustained completely by guilt and fear of retribution. No way will i get cheated on! I picture a devoted me kissing my gf who could quite possibly just had given some other asshole a blowjob an hour ago. My life is spiralling down. Save me. I hate telling the truth now.

M.Agony: "Im giving u legitimate reasons to become gay."
Me: "Fuck u. And what? Give my bf a blowjob when his dick was last found in an asshole instead of a pussy?"

M.Agony: "I always thought u had a no chasing attached people rule?"
Me: "Fuck the rule.. u just fucked up my life!"

I explain to her that the rule still stands. I still DO NOT chase people who are attached. These gals wanted to play the game. I didn't force them. Its a Game.

M.Agony: "Oh well, ignorance is bliss. I know tons of girls who cheat on their bf's."
Me: "Good, i hope they burn in hell. Dun ever introduce those cocksuckers to me."
M.Agony: "Yaaaaa rite.. dun tell me u don't know any friends who cheated on their significant other."

Im pretty worked up at this point cos my head is flooded with pretty nasty images. I think... hmmm well that would depend on what constititutes cheating. Who the hell am i bullshitting.. i have lotsa friends who have cheated at one point of their lives. To my dear friends reading... U KNOW WHO U ARE! I distinctively state now that, kissing is cheating! I've never cheated on my gf.. but if i know im gonna get cheated on.. im gonna start it first.

M.Agony: "u do know that u're probably beyond redemption now rite?"
Me: "My god forgives me. Whats ya problem anyway Lucifer? Finding someone to drag to hell with?"
M.Agony: "U're gonna need to experience cuckoldism first hand."
Me: "I hope i take u with me."
M.Agony: "Well, im pretty sure my bfs have cheated on me before. So vis-a-vis."

I can already imagine how paranoid i'll be next time. Simply because the world is filled with assholes like me.

M.Agony: "u know i think kissing isn't such a big deal."
Me: "even if the gal has her tongue down my throat?"
M.Agony: "WHAT? When u said kissing i thought u meant just kissing.. not frenching!"
Me: "Who gives a fuck about pussy kisses! I was talking about tongue fucking wrestling!"
M.Agony: "Oh my... u are really going to have a truly big retribution."
Me: "Tell it to fuck me in the ass soon and get it over with."
M.Agony: "What the hell were u thinking!"
Me: "....."

I do not explain further. I should start writing sorry letters to the poor boyfriends. I might be joining Club Cuckold, open to anyone who has been fucked up by their partners, or was not invited to the fuck their partners were in.

Me: "Cant we just talk about older women? I have much nicer older women stories.."
M.Agony: "ya but i dun get to tell u that u are going to hell for those stories."
Me: "If i fuck enough fat or ugly women.. can i redeem myself then?"
M.Agony: "What for charity? They'll probably be attached too. And u can fall deeper into damnation."
Me: "Wadever preacher.. muthafucker.."
M.Agony: "Haha.. I bet u've fucked mums too.."
Me: "wadever.. they fall under attached personnels too."

I swear this is one of the most disturbing conversations i've had in awhile. Pardon me if i decide not to date.. ever. Comments?

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Butterfly returns to Zouk...cant get drunk

After the long absence I finally make my return to the place that started it all. U find it all at Zouk, premier club, where everyone one goes to see and be seen. U have hot chicks, expensive drinks, nice cars, expensive drinks, celebrities, beautiful people and expensive drinks.

Two things before i even got in the club told me that tonite was gonna be fucked. No, not the crowd.. the crowd at Zouk is NEVER below pagaent standards. Firstly, this Mini Cooper S infront of me is a real ass. This young punk driving it jus gets out of this car 15m from where the valet point is and it jams up the entire lane and i had to wait for the valet guy to come move his car. WTF! I tot only the Ferrari's get to do such assholish stunts. Wat, i dun go to Zouk for 2 months and Mini's become supercars?!

Secondly, im queuing in line and these 3 cheena pok girls start discussing about how to cheat on their bfs. Its the most elementry conversation i've heard all nite. These gals are idiots and they have zero experience, i bet they've never cheated in their lives. The whole thing revolves ard this gal not telling her bf she's at Zouk and needs to fabricate a lie. Some of the suggestions went like this..

Gal 1: "Tell him u go supermarket loh." Fucking idiot! IT"S 11.36pm!!!!
Gal 2: "Say u fall asleep loh, then never hear phone ring. Maybe he'll forget about it." Ya right, like thats ever gonna happen!!
Gal wif bf: "but later his frends see me how?"
Gal 1: "Then say last min friend's bday, and u forgot to bring phone so never tell him."

These girls are gonna get her killed by her bf. I hope they NEVER come to work in those 1900 teen aid hotlines. They'll kill all the troubled teens.

So on to the story proper. I head to Zouk to meet Reznor, Gt4 and this other gal, Tigerlily. Reznor tells me Tigerlily's friends are not coming. Boring. I get burned by a cig from this gal standing next to me. She's not pretty, i do not further expand her apology into a conversation.
I need drinks, so i head to the bar to exchange the coupons.

11.50pm: This chick at the bar keeps looking at me. I smile at her and she smiles back. She starts hugging this guy and continues smiling at me. Cock-teaser alert!
11.51pm: I continue grinning. I finnally get to the bar and im just beside her. She tells the guy im smiling at her. Guy stares at me. Girl is still smiling.
11.53pm: I get back to the guys and tell Reznor about it. He says, "Bro, i dun wan to get into a fight tonite."

Tigerlily and GT4 starts talking about some lady near the dance floor. She wants to know if the lady is from China. We all agree. But they want concrete proof. Suddenly i see how bored we must have been to start guessing people's nationality.

Me: "Just try to smell the cheap perfume on her."

I head down to where she is anyway, and stand right next to her. I stare and give her the 'hey wats up nod', China girl continues dancing. She cant be bothered with me cos her sugar daddy is next to her. Fuck her. I'm so not contributing to ya Panda conservation fund bitch!

TB, Jane and her frend Andrew comes to join us. Sue comes, leaves her camera wif me and disappears. I take a pic in Zouk. Bouncers come to tell me to stop. Wah.. that was fast. We head to Phuture. In between i chat with this girl outside the toilet cos she commented on my hair. I get a peck on the cheek from her. Conversation was boring, she's not pretty. Nuff said.

Andrew buys the famous Zouk Long Island Tea. Apparently its the best brewed shit to come out of this joint. The stuff is moderately lethal. I've had a whole jug of Burbon and some beer already. I'm officially not allowed to drive legally. No one gives a shit about me or my driving. GT4 gets another round Heinikens and Barcardi Breezers.

I head to the toilet and i see two men peeing in the same cubicle. I say "so thats how its done now" to this caucasian man next to me. He thinks im funny, and he ask if i want to give it a try. I tell me, "I have a bad aim and i do it squatting." He cracks up. I fuck u not, he comes up, shakes my hand in the toilet and says "u're a cracker!". I think crackers are slangs for gay ya? I must admit.. im the prettiest thing in the toilet. I dun blame him.

GT4 starts making out with Tigerlily. Reznor comes to tell me he just kissed TB. I scan my options. Hmm... not anyone i want to kiss. I'll probably have to marry Jane if i kiss her. This gal puts her glass on our table. I stare at her. She gets scared and she takes her glass away. I tell her im kidding, she goes "no its ok. I'll hold it." Yippie me.. Butterfly scares the shit out of innocent lamb. One point to me.

This fat gal comes to ask if she can put her drinks on the table. GT4 and Reznor gives her a toast. I tell her.

Me: "U should really lay off the beers..."
Reznor: [laughing] "shut up bitch!" he's saying it to me. Relax, Reznor is a gentleman. unlike me.
Me: "Dude, im serious. She really needs to."

Needless to say, fat girl does not have attractive friends. I am a superficial asshole. I know.

GT4 starts talking to this girl seating next to him. He introdues me to her. I shake her hand and say, "Worst.Handshake.Ever"

Me: "The penalty for bad handshake is to drink."
She: "Huh, since when?"
Me: "Just drink..."
She: "Are u serious or are u just making it up?"

My night of kissing eligibles is highlighted by Forrest Gump over here, and the Nutty Professor, who is still not laying off the juices. Jane is leaving with Andrew. He tells me he thought i was a Mudd (is that how its spelt?). Big insult u asshole. But i forgive u cos u bought me drinks. Long island tea makes me hold grudges for maybe 3sec tops. Everyone's an angel if u buy that for me.

I stick my tongue out at Tigerlily and she licks it. Ohhhh... playa alert. I start dancing with her and she asks me "what do u want?" Wow, didn't know Zouk had dancing undercover waitresses these days. I start popping shots of beer with them and myself. I alternate shots of beer with LIT and breezer. Breezers are the whimpiest drinks on earth. They're for the 7-11 store people to get high on while listening to 98.7. I desperately seek my utopian state of high. Not getting it.

We headed back to Zouk close to 3pm. The music is perfect. It's heavier than it was before and the crowd is thinning out nicely. I have just the perfect amt of room to dance. The crowd is a good kaleidescopic mix of beautiful chinese people and horny caucasian gay men. TB and me move up to the platform to dance. I smell raging testosterones. I see men frenching each other. I tell TB to protect me. I swear, im in the middle of Gay Pride. I think some of them jus got married in the corner, shld be the gay mudds.

Tigerlily starts showing me random pics on her handphone and goes, "So that you'll be on ya toes.." Huh what toes? Its like the Russell Peters clip and the "Be a man, do the right thing" joke... no relation.

Lights come on. I'd say it was a rather entertaining nite. Butterfly is not drunk again.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Chinablack.. the last resort

Everywhere's packed on a holiday eve. Zouk was packed as expected. Dbl O was probably selling National Day tix or sumthing, the queue was going round Robertson Walk. Chinablack had a queue.. i dun understand why.

The original plan was to head to Zouk, but the nite took an unexpected turn and we landed at Chinablack..with Margaret. Yes, the 32 year old war veteran. Wat are the chances of actually popping into her outside O Bar. The guys kept insisting i go over to talk to her, much against my will. I dun really like old pussies. But in a redeeming light, she actually looks MUCH better with clothes and makeup on. We invite her to head to Black with us, she says she's waiting for her friends and points to this group.

Reznor says he cant bring in that many. She had about 6 other frends, but if we're talking about going for a buffet, the group would be counted as 12pax. I tell TB, "u need to take 3 of them for a run and we need to work the other 2 with static exercises, we gotta tone those arms." Margaret finally leaves with one of her friends to join us.

Reznor makes some arrangements for Chinablack. I tell the guys that i'm telling everyone i went to Zouk tonite. We get there. I see a queue. This is good, queues are always good. I dun wan to say anything racist that will land my ass in prison and have to apologise thru the media with those 'i was dumb and foolish.. it won't happen again shit' but it's Hari Raya eve.. so my brudders are relacking in one korner.. nuff said. No melayu's.

We get there and Margaret's frend, Marcus, joins us. He was at the pool on Sunday too.. I forgot to write in his story, but his pickup techniques include giving a rundown of his life story that starts with 'when i was young'. Im not kidding. No offence to people who use this boring method, but unless your story has u smoking pot at 7, and getting ya ass arrested for streaking at a soccer match at 18, ya life story blows. Marcus however spares us his life story today and buys a bottle of vodka. Plus points for him already.

The guys get like 3 million jugs of beer. I like beer but my resolution to look have a body like Tony Jaa is telling me to stay away. I start drinking shots of beer. Ya, i drink my beer in shot glasses.. so everyone drinks the same amount. I do a quick scan of the place. Girl in red top dancing on the stage has a serious tummy problem. Maybe i shld lay off the beer. Another ugly gal goes up to join her. The crowd is fucked.. i drink faster. I take one shot for every shot the guys drink, and my mental calculator tells me that i wld have drunk at least 5 times more than whoever drinks the least and at least 2 times more than everyone else. The problem is beer.. who the fuck gets drunk on beer? I start mixing it with whiskey dry and vodka ribena. I tell LB to standby in case i flat out tonite. I start forcing GT4 and Sispec to drink, i dun understand why people have to be forced to drink when they arent driving. The alcoholic in me said that.

Sue joins us close to 1am. The nite is tame.. nothing is happening and im pretty sure nothing will happen. I go toilet and this gal taps me on the shoulder. She smiles, and she goes "oei!". My experience in human behaviour in clubs tell me that, this gal knows me. Im pretty sure strangers use the "hey" or "ermmm..." to start off conversations, unless its Pappy then the conversations always starts with 'can i buy u a drink'. Anyway, i take a look at the gal. She's not pretty, no way i could have picked her up from a club. I stare blankly, and she goes "XXXX's frend? Remember me?". Boring.. no one ever picks me up these days.

LB and me start pointing to random gals and the other goes up to talk to the gal. LB picks up this chick. Nice nose.. hmmm not so nice frends. I start dancing with Sue to some salsa moves. Im too short to spin Sue gracefully around me, so i spin myself around her. Im always the slut. Before i know it, they tell me Margaret and Marcus are gone cos their frend's a goner. A thing abt her frend. She's this petitie innocent looking gal who's so shy to even take a drink from me. When she's high, she transforms into Horny Girl. She was rubbing Marcus sooooo badly, his T shirt needs ironing. Their presence will not be missed. I have nothing to talk to Margaret anway, after her lesbo tongue wrestling with Horny Girl. I prob said one line to her the whole time we were the club, and that was "lucky u had ya tattoo.. anot couldn't recognise u".

We leave the place ard 3.30 and head for supper at Rivervalley. This other female frend joins us, Queen of Liang Siah, i shall call her QLS for short. We eat chicken rice at 5 star, which is like an NUS arts gathering. We see this whole group of gals from my sch, one of which is a hottie. The group keeps looking over.. we look back. At my state, i pretty much stare at everyone. I was staring at this China girl (read as bouncing boobies) who was walking pass us to the toilet and QLS starts laughing cos i was being such an ass.

LB and me started playing Scissors paper stone, loser drinks from the left over drinks of the previous customers cos the table has yet to be cleared. LB loses, doesnt drink. I call him a pussy. I drink and everyone freaks out, they're like "dude, who knows what was in that shit." Im like "lime juice?". They probably think im drunk. Im bored silly.. i need to entertain myself since LB has banned me from my random screaming in public and Reznor banned me from singing cabaret songs while sticking flowers in my hair. Sue decides to continue playing the game wif me. She loses, she drinks. Sue is sporting. Sue is drunk.

Service is slow. We start chatting up this waitress. I cant remember who starts calling her mei nu (pretty gal). I'm pretty sure its LB. The waitress is Frodo Baggins' sister. Im serious, i think she's a halfling and she lives in the shire, wonder how she gets back to middle earth. If u havent watched LOTR, do a google. I hope she doesnt only date men above 1.75m. She has over sized specs resting on her chubby cheeks. Im being mean i know. Its my blog, fuck off. Supper is good. No random sing a longs though.

GT4 tells me the gal at the table in green is looking at me. Alcohol fucks up my horniness. I never pass up on people staring at me to stare them back down. But for tonite, i pass. QLS demand that i carry her.. i lift her up and dump her on top of those huge huge rubbish containers. I send the westsiders home. Alcohol makes me a better person it seems.