Butterfly And His Sushi

When the Western men fell under the ‘Yellow Fever’ plague, it takes very little comprehension on our part to understand why. ‘Yellow Fever’, the term coined to describe the Western man’s obsession with the exotic females of the Orient plagues even the local men.

Forget the Vietnamese mail order brides. For the local hot blooded males who grew up to the wonders of Japanese AV’s with a secret checklist that includes a stellar list of ‘must fucks’, the pinnacle of their conquest surely would include the words, ‘Japanese Girl’.

I can hardly blame them so, for we have a pre-conceived notion on them of superior sexual prowess, audibly and maneuverability. And from what I’ve experienced, everything seems to be true. I even truly believe they are born with blow-job starter kits.

Japanese ladies have for the longest time been my kryptonite, along with a whole list that runs from sharp noses to perky ass to ample bust-lines. So when you combine three or more of the above factors, you have a recipe for downfall.

When I first met Minori, it was a cordial introduction that lay dormant at the back of my mind. She was attractive, dressed awfully well, had a C cup bust and was bona fide Japanese. I was however drunk, had my eyes on some other girl and told specifically not to have any designs on her.

So when I was eventually entrusted to be her 'caretaker' for the day, it was almost like the burden I didn’t mind taking. It made perfect sense to leave her in my care. After all, she was a single young attractive woman and I was a single young attracted to attractive women man. We were already giving Bonnie and Clyde a run.

When we ended the day at KM8 with the entire group, I proposed taking her out with us for the karaoke session. It was after all, her last night here and I couldn’t possibly let her stay home. I ahve the perfect attributes of an STB officer, they should hire me. Disclaimer: I didn't bring her out because I had ulterior motives. I was legitimately being a nice person. I heard Karma's been a popular debate as a pre-requisite to being rich in the future.

12.43am: We enter a huge room at K Box.
12.44am: I feel totally uncomfortable because I don’t know majority of them very well. 12.46am: Minori's super short skirt is totally distracting me.
1.10am: The drinks come. My immediate response to that is to get Minori to drink. Sensitivity is not my forte.

I coaxed her into singing but she was initially shy because the room was huge and giving a concert was the last thing she expected. She finally caved in to my request and Flower did a great job by making her feel comfortable by proposing to do a duet with her.

She sang Utada Hikaru’s First Love, mainly because it was at that time the only commercial Japanese song that everyone knew. I thought she was great but I was probably also the only one who thought so. I could very possibly be under the influence of the short skirt.

2.28am: We ditch the joint to find somewhere else to drink.
2.40am: Indochine is close. Everywhere is close and the people at Swensen's refuse to serve alcohol in their ice-cream. I hate Singapore.
2.48am: My brilliant date processor mind suggest we go to Mt Faber, since I remember them having a bar there.
3.17am: I reach there and realize I have the IQ of an idiot. Apparently it is Sunday, and everywhere closes early.

The alcohol plan failed and I was stuck with the contingency of a romantic discourse, of which I have the experience and ideas of a seasoned romantic but the execution enthusiasm of a fat fuck training for a marathon. I decided we shall take a walk to the topmost point, since it would buy me some time to find discussion topics and a itinerary to last the night.

3.20am: We start walking to the top. I park my car at the parallel lots by the road just before it starts to head downhill.
3.24am: We reach the top.

What the fuck?! The walk was absolutely elementary and I hardly started on my thoughts. Mt. Faber blows.We started talking about everything under the stars, about the stars, and beyond the stars. The last time I made such a lengthy conversation, I was taking my English oral exams.
You’d probably thought I’d have said "Fuck it, I forget and pay absolutely ZERO attention to sentences without key words like Fuck, Sex, Take Me home". Wrong, because I was actually paying attention. Something about her was just drawing me. It could be

a) The cleavage
b) The skirt
c) The super seductive Japanese accent.

Minori eventually got tired and she wanted to sit, so we headed to the benches where more talking ensued. I was running out of topics I half considered having to bring in Harry Potter and ask if she played Quiddich.

4.14am: Minori wants to sleep.
4.31am: Minori IS sleeping on my lap. I tell her I’ll wake her at 5am.
5.00am: Minori is still sleeping and I can’t bare to wake her. I think I’ll call her at 5.15am
5.15am: My legs are numbing.. I’ll call her at 5.30am instead because she looks so good sleeping on me.
5.30am: Maybe I’ll make it 5.45 instead.
5.45am: Fearing I might need amputation, I wake her up.
5.51am: She's lying on my shoulders.

After some deliberation and consideration that I had morning classes, we decided to head home. When we finally did get back to her place, she gave me a hug in appreciation for taking her out and next thing I know, we started kissing only to be unceremoniously halted by horrible offensive four letter word which I hate to hear girls say.

Minori: "Stop.."

I stopped and grin

Minori: "No.. why did you stop?"
Me: "You said to stop."
Minori: *grins* "You are mean. LB was right about you. You are such a player."
Me: “So do I stop or start all over?”
Minori: "You are a really good kisser, but you’re a really great teaser you know?"

We got back to kissing because I thought the conversation was an entire waste of time and I began smiling.

Minori: "Why are you smiling?"
Me: "I’m smiling cos you're smiling."

Minori was an absolute kisser, the kind I could spend days on ends just locking lips and twisting tongues together. Teasing kissers was also a viable avenue to score with them. Apparently, LB's words earlier in the night was influencing her judgment of me.

Me: “I live for today, I do not cry and I stop for no one.”

We stayed in the car till 7am in the morning, where we no longer had the cover of darkness to shield our misdemeanor. I left only because BB came back in a cab, and she was frowning.

Minori: “Call me after your class.”

I smiled. Somehow or rather, at a point where I was serial dating and had a disdain for meeting a person continuously over 2 days, I was actually glad to her say that.

Day 2

I called her as soon as my classes ended. She needed to change money and buy liquor to bring back home. I was to be that knight in shining armour for her. We headed to town to run her errands, then went back to my place. I've never lost in my game, but something happened that day that was beyond my cognizance. Somewhere in between the kisses, hugs and smiles, she actually stole a part of me. I wrapped my arms around her,

Me: “Why are you smiling?”
She: “I’m smiling because you’re smiling.”

It was the smile that was melting every guard in my heart. I was thinking about the impossible, about what I would tell her and about how much I didn’t want to let her leave.

The song on my playlist started playing 'Never Say Goodbye' by Bon Jovi. Talk about perfect timing. The Ironies of all irony, a song like this 3 hours before she was scheduled to fly. I was actually mouthing the pronunciation of the lyrics as I kissed her. She smiled again as she kissed me.

Me: "Why are you smiling still?"
Minori: "I’m smiling cos you’re smiling."

Something in me triggered. It’s been awhile. I was moved. We were hugging for the entire song and I was slow dancing to it with her. The silence between use was beginning to drive me crazy.

The song ended and she looked at me. Her eyes seemed to be saying a lot more than her lips was. The gentle silence was tearing through me. I had a barrage of things just waiting to confess but I just didn’t know how. The timing was wrong. I heard her say something about "why did it have to be Sunday and not Wednesday" and realized how thin the ice was for us to be threading on.

I sent her back to what was my longest 7km trip. She was silent for the whole journey, only a firm grip of my hands and an eternity of silence. Then it poured, suddenly.

Minori: "Singapore is crying for me cos I’m leaving, hehe.”
Me: "It’s not only Singapore that's crying cos ya leaving..."

She either genuinely didn't hear it or she pretended not too, because she looked at me and replied "what?" with a grin. Perhaps ignorance was her way of coping. It probably was the best way to do it. To leave impossibility out of the picture and to just deal with really practicality of it. The goodbye kiss was never ending. It was a goodbye filled with kisses that ran on for 17 times. Every one of it just as painful as the one before it.

Minori: "Goodbye teaser." *she smiles as she kisses me*
Me: "Why are you smiling?”
Minori: *she kisses me again* "I’m smiling cos you are smiling baby.."

Minori: “We lived for today, we didn’t cry and you stop for no one right?”

If defeat was the sweet after taste of a kiss, or that uncontrollable tug at the heart, then I might truly have been beaten at my own game. I was actually sad she was leaving. I was really swallowing hard not to say anything that was best left unsaid. You know that feeling you get when someone just touches u emotionally?

She didn’t just take my breath away, she took something more.

The Korean Sisters

Of late, O Bar has been the preferred choice, we've already had a couple of good nights there so we're spending Friday there too.

We got there late and headed up to Dbl O. Nice crowd so far. This chick at the bar with a jug of lychee martini is hot and we started making some small talk about the cost of it and if it was any good. New gal catches our attention. She had huge boobs with an equally wicked dress that was sending out "please look at my cleavage" SMS. The guys within a 5 metre radius obviously received it because everyone was trying hard not to stare.

We bought beer, SOTB (sex on the beach--> also to be read as ‘awful tasting cough medicine’), about 4 jugs of whiskey dry and vodka Ribena, some tequila shots. It was a concoction for disaster that only the poor crowd there could drive this expedition into the annals of ‘Worst Clubbing Experience’.

We headed down and entered what seemed like Bangra night. LB spotted this girl he saw on wed and we moved in to talk to her. Next thing I know, Dek was standing with us and mumbling some gibberish to them. Apparently, they are Koreans. Dek said something about language barrier and since my knowledge of anything Korean is limited to Kimchi and the beef hotplate, I passed.

Soumi started dancing with these two gals/women. None of them are attractive but because alcohol is a social integrator, we entertain anyone who tries to break into our group.I the more attractive one had on some zebra printed dress, had ample curves but her eyebrows were too drawn too short that it looked like she ran out of pencil at mid eye.

Zebra was however disregarding etiquette and was grinding Soumi like sandpaper on wood. She flicked me on my chin for pouting and this was when I was at mid-thoughts on deciding if I should wing for Soumi on her friend. She complimented, "so cute" and suddenly, I was prepared to overlook her short eyebrows.

LB was still caught up with the two Korean girls and he goes outside with them. I headed out to find him when the place closed and he said something about Hard Rock. I did a mental assessment.

It was 3am and at a period where clubs in Singapore barely ran beyond 4am. Hard Rock would have been closed by now but being ethnically exotic, we were prepared to take them anywhere they wanted to go. I whipped out my altruistic card and decided to progress the night by winging for LB. Turns out they were sisters and despite size 6 jeans and lack of ample breast, their value shot up almost instantaneously. If there was anything that toppled having Koreans, it was having sisters.

We waited endlessly in the car for the rest and it was a case of mismatched numbers. 8 people and one Saab 95. We only needed to be related for this to be a typical Jamaican village story. Yes, we're hoping to rewrite records here.

The journey was painful and expectedly so since this was almost like some refugee smuggling replica. LB's chick was Kate and the other was Vicky. I yelled at LB to pedal the gas because an unknown object was crushing my toes. Dek was complaining that his legs were numb but that was because Kate was sitting on him. My toes were crushed and NO ONE was sitting on me! In all the unavailability of space and pronounced discomfort, Flower was actually sleeping.

We detoured to Zeekay's place for drinks. I started picturing a wild night already. We drowned the two sisters with super concentrated Absolute Kurant with F&N Grape mixers, dimmed the lights, played some music and the party was re-ignited. Vicky was sloshed by the time we did the third round and Kate had gone out for smokes with LB. Flower and Zeekay disappeared, Soumi was visibly bored and before I know it, I was left in the room with Vicky and Dek.

Dek eventually moved in on Vicky and thinking he wanted the chick, I excused myself for the toilet. I left them to join the others outside and unwittingly locked ourselves out of the house. Well done, I have to be some idiot! Kate wasn’t the slightest bit thrilled that her sister was left inside alone and demanded we had the Dek open up the door for us.

Dek picked up my first call, said "Okay, I’m coming" and never showed. This only escalated Kate’s panic and our attempts to calm her down was futile. She's either

a) Unaware that Singapore has a low crime rate and people don’t just rape people by locking everyone else out of the house. Or

b) Jealous that her younger, less attractive sister is getting some tonight while she isn’t. LB and me picked option B.

We headed to the back to peer through the window to see what was going on and we see her on top of him and she just pulled her top back down. It was clear why he never showed up at the door; she was sitting on him. Kate rushed over shouting some hysterics through the window. Suddenly, everything was going bad.

Kate was pissed and wanted to head back, and since we figured this to be damage control, volunteered to take them back to Chinatown. Midway, Kate mumbled something about having to go to Punggol, then got out of the car in the middle of the road and hailed a cab and requested that we sent her sister home. I said, “Hoo shit.. that was weird.”

LB: “Why do these things always happen to us?”
Me: “I don’t know. But I made out with Vicky at her door.”
LB: “You are a fucker..”

Butterfly meets The Nose

Reznor activated the clique this past Saturday night. We were heading to Chinablack with two girls whom he had never met before. Think horrors of that first IRC meeting with strangers and how everything that can possibly go wrong going wrong and now you've got the picture.

Pappy and me headed down to Mac's at Lido to wait for Reznor. He sends the worst SMS of the day. 'Sad story bro, she's damn ugly' and joins us shortly after I read his message.

Reznor: "How how?! The friend is DAMN ugly.. and I think they're trannies.."

I was caught by the ‘trans’ word and it was all I needed to hear. Now, I wanted to meet them.

Apparently, Reznor told them to wait for him at the entrance while he came over to look for us with the intention to make a quick exit. Pappy and I decided to assess the situation ourselves and rethink the strategy of damage control. We walked over to see how bad they were.

30 metres away. Pappy goes "Eh, not bad what.." I agreed with him because the one in black had quite a body to boot.
20 metres to go. We start taking back what we just said. The other girl in white has ugliness that is visible within a 20m radius.
10 metres left. The black girl indeed had a good body and a VERY sharp nose.

Considering how much I have a penchant or weakness to be precise, for girls with sharp noses, this would have been the perfect blind date for me. Except, I truly believe this girl was the lost 4th witch from Macbeth. She's the wicked witch of the east and she eats Dorothys' for lunch. Her nose was sharp but it was also HUGE. The ONLY saving grace to this predicted debacle was that they were genuine gals.

We walked back to tell Reznor to proceed with the original plan and that we could try losing them in the crowd inside. We headed in and Reznor ditched us to PR with his friends inside almost immediately. It was down to the wire between Pappy and I to decide who would actually get to entertain the ugly girl and we resigned our fate our the most mature way we could think of; Scissors, Paper, Stone. I lost, which sealed my fate with Miss Ugly and Pappy proceeded to break the ice with some small talk with TheNose. Reznor eventually came over and he told me the best thing all night

Reznor: "Bro, you don’t have to be nice to them. I’m not gonna see them ever again.. you can do ANYTHING."

I immediately signalled for Reznor to bring on the liqour because I was going to trash talking her all night. The night just got better. With Reznor's blessings, I started my conversation with her and picked the topic that was bugging me all night; her nose.

Me: “Your nose is very sharp.”

I stared intently.

She: “Ermm.. thanks.”

It was a genuine remark which she took as a compliment. I continued staring.

Me: "Eh, is it real?"

And I was really staring and scrutinizing it so hard I would have found pimples that were due to appear next year. She obviously heard it one too many times because she wasn’t even the slightest bit amused. She glared at me with the "duh.. that’s very rude of you" look. Fuck her, if she can’t take jokes.

Pappy and I are cracking jokes out of her nose’s expense and debate briefly over if it was possible for her to stab us with it. I asked for their names and did the mandatory round of cordial handshakes. MissUgly's hands were coarse and it was obvious she never heard of Dove before. They were boring the shit out of me with bad conversational skills or the things I said probably still offended them. Petty, ugly and boring. I needed to piss them off more.

Pappy spotted this other girl from one of our fishing trips. I shall call her Mango. Mango was this psychotic ass that got kicks out of videotaping patients at IMH jacking each other off. I’m fucking serious. I’ve seen a couple of the videos she took. She was way off the psycho charts, but for tonight, she was entertainment for me.

TheNose and MissUgly were still standing by the bar, dancing periodically, which I believed looked like muscle spasms. I need to explain why I named them as such. The Nose is self explanatory, you need to see her to know why. Miss Ugly had cocked eyes and a funny mouth. Every feature on her face was slightly askew that you subconsciously found yourself tilting your head while talking to her and she had the physique of a junior Whale.

Mango on the contrary, was crazy but she was also way more entertaining. Any girl who can manipulate mental degenerates into wanking one another cannot possible be a dull. She commented on the Jim Beam girls and how she wanted to be one. I told her the uniform kicked ass and if she did become one, I was going to take her home.

Out of courtesy, we asked TheNose and MissUgly if they wanted to drink. They said they'll have anything except beer so we bought beer just to piss them off. They ended up buying their own drinks. At this point, I could no longer comprehend why they hadn’t run off on their own, despite our blatant efforts to ditch them.

One hour later, we decided to call it a night and make an attempt to sneak out. I get spotted by TheNose and she told me she knew Reznor was up to something. No shit Sherlock, because Reznor was practically trying every shit to ditch them except blatantly spelling out "fuck off". It also didn't help that Reznor was a BAD liar who lies only to unwittingly reveal his previous lie.

I start staring at her nose again while she interrogated Reznor and she got offended. I can't believe what an ass she was. She made it seem like staring was rude! Reznor started making sexual innuendos to scare her off. In case the motive was blurred, we simply DO NOT want to send them home. It was pretty obvious now that they were clinging on just for the ride.

We met LB and Dek for supper. I just had to tell them the about the night and the witch.

Butterfly goes Club Momo

The crew headed down to check out the joint. It doesn’t take much to get us riled. We are cheap, so if there is free entry before 10pm we’ll be in by 9.40pm. Apparently, the club was already filled with other cheapskates like us. It’s like a family gathering. Our excuse is that we're here for the happy hour. The crew was largely on strike, which accounted for a poor attendance. Dek, Draco, LB and me were the only ones that thought Momo deserved greater attention than any other commitments.

There was also a VERY drunk Blaque whose consequence of tanking up with alcohol was by turning gay, and one female friend of Dek and LB, whom I shall refer to as BZD.

Rule No.4 - No females allowed on fishing trips!

This girl had serious problems with etiquette and initiative and her friend was the winner of the Miss Sulking Queen contest. I seriously thought someone just murdered her goldfish. The sun never shines from where she comes from.

Me: "Bad day?"
Miss Sulk: *sulks*
Me: "PMS huh?"
Miss Sulk: *sulks and rolls eyes*

I said, "Whatever", which totally did not aid the situation. Miss Sulk was not amused, but fuck her. She's so not invited to my wedding, because she's obviously been to one too many funerals.

The night barely started and Dek was already being picked up by this gal but BZD showed up all of a sudden and was all chummy with the girl whom she didn’t she even know. Well, she had me conned because I honestly thought I was looking at Paris and Nicole's reunion.

He moved away from her and towards me. There was distress in his voice, clear and succinct.

Dek: “I don’t what to do!!"
Me: “Huh?”

Perhaps I haven’t been properly watching the whole episode, but I was pretty sure the girl was doing all the work.LB and me moved in to the play. Targets acquired and locked, so we moved in casually and suddenly,BZD appears.. AGAIN. She was that fucking Jack in the box that kept popping up. I stared and her and said,

Me: "do u have to come?"
She: "orhh"

You’d have thought she got the hint? Even retards know they are in the wrong when you chide them for eating their shit, so surely this girl got the gist? WRONG shit heads! She was the fucking energizer bunny that never fucking gives up.

I spotted some other chick that was hogging the platforms earlier on. I smiled, LB and I made small talk and next I know I was dirty dancing with her. Under very close scrutiny, she looked very much like a mutual friend of ours.

The teeth, the figure, the face. Everything, only that this gal was prettier was totally fuckable. I'd have did her there and then, save for one minor problem. She had this horrible look of agony on her face when she dances, like an alien was about to pop out her chest. She looked like she was on E, she even danced like it. It wasn’t funny I could hardly even look at her without trying to punch her.

Next I know, BZD was back and hugging LB like she just won him off a carnival. I returned LB That Look and his expression was priceless He was in hell. BZD effectively killed LB's chances with any girl within a 10m radius who has eyes to see her glued to him. It was like she was taking a piss and marking her territory. LB is fucked.

In any case, everyone went off leaving only me and LB, who was still caught up in the girl that he was talking too before BZD showed up to wreck EVERYTHING. There was something about Momo, and it wasn’t the drinks but we were seriously getting tired. Before we capped off a 3 star night, LB's made a last ditch effort to get to know that gal. Obviously, BZD's piss marks were still on him because she doesn’t take it any further than introducing herself.

My First Chinablack

Foremostly for those that don't know me already, getting drunk is a staple diet in my weekend agenda. Though I can hold my liqour pretty well, thanking my less than able bladder for dispelling the wretched alcohol from my body at regular intervals, the consequences of me being under the influence of alcohol, it’s an audibly pleasant sight.

Awhile back, I went with my army mates to Chinablack (it’s inadvertant that we club with camp mates at least once as a regulation of male bonding). Reznor was kind enough to set up the guest list and tables for us. We just simply strode in. Now I won't go into introducing the guys cos they aren't exactly fishermen nor are they regular clubbers. The story here is on ME!

The 6 of us sat down by the table and waited for our drinks to come. One of them commented on this being the players table. A table full of bottles always attracts attention. I love the place already. I see what the hype's all about. Two scenarios flashed before me as I scanned the crowd.

1) The scene is so bad I drown myself with Chivas and get so pissed drunk I can fuck the two Whales standing by the bar.

2) I drown myself regardless of what happens, I pass out and forget I ever came here.

Yes. Yhe scene is bad, unless of cos you still can’t dechiper sacarsm, then probably u shld read blogs on Smurfs and Carebears. Fucking boring shit happening as far as I can tell. The most interesting thing to happen by far has to watching the bartender mix Vodka with Whiskey, but history reminds me that miracles can hit you out of nowhere when we least expect it; like an erection on a Monday morning.

12.15am: We are finishing up the first bottle. Babes are coming in.

This girl over at the bar sudden intrudes into our dance space. My friends make friendly banter with her and this girl is drunk. She's ugly and drunk, two combinations in a girl I cannot forgive. She opens her mouth and surprise surprise, she's dumb too! Great, the trinity of the worst traits one could ever be condemned to.

12.32am: She's forcing us to drink; with our drinks! And she's drinking our drinks too. Maybe she ain't that dumb afterall, but she's still ugly and getting pissed drunk faster than Alonso on wheels.
12.35am: She forces me to drink. I’m intolerant of ugly bitches who steal my drinks, so I grab the bottle (which is mine to begin with) that she's holding and tell her friends to come get her away from me.
12.36am: She shouts at me "Why so buay (not) steady?!" That drunk bitch! That’s my drink she’s holding!

She: "My friend is a model hor! Donch’ throw the face of models!"

What the fuck is she talking about?! Can people actually be so dumb they start conversations at mid-sentences?

It took me a full minute to realise that she was referring to my T-Shirt, which had a print of the word Model. Right, the drunk bitch here thinks people who wear shirts with Models printed on are actually models. I can so picture her at prom night with the tight ELITE MODELS baby Tee.

I actually told her to "Fuck off" cos her buzzing was so irritating that I wished I had an empty bottle to smash her head with.

I hooked up with this hot chick I’ve been looking at all nite. All's good, until I realised she spoke ZERO English and she's from China. We all know what China chicks come here for. Thankfully China chick here actually shaves her armpits but I couldn’t carry the conversation beyond "so where are u from". I’m bad at Mandarin as it is when I'm sober, but when I'm drunk, I’m monosyllabic and my tonation is non-existent. She cannot make out what im saying. Fuck her..

I was back to sitting down at the table again. A group of girls asked if they could leave their bags at our table. I took a quick scan. No excessive meat spilling out. Pass. One of them is actually pretty hot to me, cos she looks androgynous but she assures me she's very much a female.The androgynous looking girl sat beside me and I offered her a drink. She took it and ruffled my hair. She introduced herself as Coco. That’s transsexual warning no.1; fake names.

Coco: “How old are you?”
Me: “Old enough to drink.”
Coco: “You look so young…”
Me: ( I gestured my age ). “You?”
Coco: “Don't tell you.. a gal's age is secret.”
Me: ( I look for the adams ) “Eh you look abit like a transsexual”
Coco: “Wha...what?! Of cos I’m not!”

I went on telling her to stop lying and to just admit it. It got to a point she got so worked up she flashed me her IC. I saw some things I liked which was the gender and some I didn't, which was her age. I now understood why she patted me on the head.

Coco's other friends started joining in the conversation. She wasn’t good looking so I couldn’t be bothered. I left them to the guys to talk to. I started telling Coco I was drunk and that I needed support. She pulled me over to lie on her shoulders. She's bony there and it’s uncomfortable, my temple was at risk of being pierced by her shoulder-blade.

New girl joins in the group. Black body hugging dress, nice ass and good choice of underwear. I decided I want her instead. She went over to talk to Coco and I introduced myself as Coco's brother. She laughs cos she thought I was poking fun at Coco's age. I’m Butterfly. I quickly switch my attention to the new girl whom I shall refer to as, Lina.

I was pretty tipsy cos I was actually dancing to retro. Fuck all of you who are shooting me That look. When you’re at my state of inebriation, you'll even dance to national anthems. I have to catch Lina up to speed to my state of consciousness.

Lina: “I want tequila..Ii don't like Chivas”
Me: “It’s the same babe..”
Lina: “No they're not.. Chivas sucks”

I’m pretty good at convincing people to drink.

Me: “It’s the same.. they all sound Mexican”
Lina: “Chivas is not Mexican”
Me: “Chivas.. Chito.. Chika.. whatever.. all sounds Mexican”
Lina: “Can I have tequila please..”
Me: “I can give you Chivas and you don't even need to say please. Just try it, if you don't like it, then take another shot.. soon you won't be able to tell what from what anyway.”

Lina is drinking Chivas with a vengence.
Lina is drunk
Butterfly is happy.

She was so drunk she actually needed to lie down. Being the nice person I was, I sat there with her while she lay on my lap. She was mumbling some shit, which I couldn’t care less as long as it wasn’t marriage vows or relationship contracts. Suddenly, everything is good. I love Chivas and I love Chinablack. She moved closer to me and mumbled what I heard to be O.N.S.

For the young and innocent reading, ONS is short for One Night Stand. And if this 3 words mean comedy to you, I want you to stop reading and take your Harry Potter instead.

I was all psyched up cos I finally heard something I liked. Its the most romantic thing she's said to me all night. Now if I could just hear the full sentence..

Lina: “You know alot of my friends do ONS, but I don't do ONS...”

Why did she have to start the sentence positively and end it so negatively?! Why couldn’t she have just said, "I don't do ONS". Its like a tickle to tease me and a subtle "haha, you picked the wrong gal". Is this the part where I’m supposed to start coaxing her with faux promises of love?

I told her I wasn’t that easy too, since I figured it might be a test of sorts. Yes, it never once occurred to me that when someone is pissed drunk, formulating a test was perhaps #431 on the TO DO LIST. I hate Chivas and I hate Chinablack.

I was drunk so I reacted to such matters slowly. I told her to move to the next table where it was empty so that I could stretch my legs. We moved, we sat and we started kissing. I have no idea how that started. Probably it was because while she was in her ONS talk, I had my hand on her ass. I honestly anticipated a different ONS talk, and somehow my reaction for that was pretty much based on reflex.

I was kissing her and furtively giggling at the absurdity of her speech. This girl was so full of bullshit. No ONS and her hand was on my crotch? She had to be the legendary cock teaser my mum warned me about.

Her friends came to suggest taking her home and I was like "HELLO! Don't u guys ever knock!" They are obviously sour because none of them were getting any action. Obviously, I was wrong as my friend pointed out to me, the place was closing. Must be the alcohol. I thought it just started.

They extricated her to the lift with such speed that it shamed our army and I wondered if they were in the secret services.

And so it ended... like that. I hate over protective friends.

Butterfly goes to O Bar.. gets drunk

Fore-mostly, I love birthdays, I love O Bar, I love getting drunk and making out with random chicks. When there are that many ‘I love’ events stapled into one day, you’d know that day will be marked with a good spiteful of debauchery.

Everyone was late for the party, Dek (the artist formerly known as Deck) and me headed to Dbl O early. The place was crawling with expats for some reason, so we went down to O Bar to try find a table. Draco came to join us shortly after and we kicked started the night with a modest jug of beer and vodka Ribena.

11.45pm: Everyone arrives together, oddly. In attendence, LB, Round Eyes, MJ, Pappy, Dek, Draco, Reznor, Blaque, Huixx (mistress of Xin City), BB, 3 female friends (F, K and S. I have to protect identities here people..)
11.50pm: They get me a tiramisu cake which I think is courtesy of Pappy, or so he tells me. 11.52pm: I get 4 jugs of drinks ( 2 Whiskey dry, Beer, Vodka Orange) drinks are dirt cheap.

12.o7am: Finally, I get everybody to the table. I tell them I want a birthday song louder than the club music. I get my wish and I love my choir because they kick ass.

12.10am: Draco buys more drinks and a round of tequila for everyone. We toast really loudly. We are now THAT noisy group that everyone just loves to hate. Fuck them. It’s my birthday.

12.14am: I tell Huixx I want a lap dance.
12.15am: I get my first lap dance of the night. I am the envy of men.
12.17am: Dek, Mj and Draco tells Huixx it’s their birthdays too. Everyone wants a dance.

It was pretty much the usual birthday bash. The kind that everyone’s intentions are denominated by getting the birthday boy drunk. I was determined to last the night, so I tell them to get the girls drunk instead. There is no thrill in watching a guy get drunk. The drinks are started to kicking in..

2.20am: They guys are done with O Bar, so they want to head up to Dbl O. I stay because Blaque and Reznor didn't pay for entry to Dbl O.
2.24am: We head to the dance floor. Bad idea. I can hardly stand.
2.26am: I head back to the table, which turns out to be the best idea all night.

When I got back to the table, it was now occupied by a group of girls that magically appeared out of nowhere. I was drunk, staggering wildly and too far up the inebriation scale to make considerations on how they looked like.

Next thing I know, one of the girls smiling at me. She looked drunk, but I knew I was drunk so I smiled back. She leaned over. Her fringe was covering her face and the lighting was bad.

Gal: "Are you ok?"
Me: "Yeah.. a little gone though"

Honestly folks, I always say this even if I’m sober. People tend to show more concern for people bordering on drunkenness. I figured it'll lower my projected defenses so she can take advantage of the situation. Two words.

"Pays.Off"

We started having one of those conversations that totally challenged our ability to pronounce ourselves coherently and keep away from slurring. When I am at my state of drunk and you are talking to me, being loquacious is just going to get you punched.

I don’t remember shit about what we talked about, because it was either boring and trivial or it didn't have the words "Fuck” “Sex” or “My place".

Three guys sited at the table next to me started wishing me happy birthday. Had I finally become that famous?!

Me: “Howw..dich yew guys know it wuz my birthday..?”
Friendly guy: "Dude, you guys were singing so loudly, I think the whole club knows it’s your birthday man.. And we were just behind you guys so.."

Friendly guy offered to buy me drinks. Thinking he harboured an ulterior motive on my virginal ass, I said "No thanks bro, I’m good". I feel bad about turning down that free drink till this day.

Next thing I know, I felt something wet tickling my ear. Yep, my birthday wish had come true, I was having strangers licking me. The girl ( I shall refer to her as Fringe), had her tongue in my ear. It was the kind that once she had her tongue out, I swore I could here people calling out for a work permit over in Bangladesh.

I turned to face her and she was smiling at me. I grinned back and one thing led to another. Seconds later, we were making out. Couple of things started running through my head.

A) Did I ask for her name? It’s probably going to be rude if I broke the kiss and asked. What if she already told me?
B) Do I keep my hands to myself? Am I allowed to cop a feel at least?

I was so drunk, my thought processing was slower than MacDonald’s delivery service. Fuck that. I was going with reflex action and if you’ve read my stories, you'll know that my reflexes generally tell me to grope the people I kiss.

For her, it turned out to be more of a hug because her friends were STARING at me and looked liked they all had the pre-dialed for the cops and were daring me to go for my first shot at the boobs.

Well, for all the random kisses I've had at clubs, she was easily one of the better ones. She was actually pretty good. Kay popped into my head as I was in the midst of kissing. After Kay's most fucked up “I-want-to-swallow-you” kiss, I was well prepared to throw confetti and a “best kiss of the year” sash at her.

This was like the kiss to remind me that kissing was actually
a) Not painful.
b) No one needs to die from kissing.

What was weird was that the kiss wasn’t the concupiscent "I want you now!" kiss but more of the amorous "you are my girlfriend” kiss. Was I supposed to take her contact? What are the correct procedures anyway? Was I supposed to do it before the kissing or after?

I was way too drunk to start pressing numbers.

2.35am: kissing..
2.37am: still kissing
2.39am: I need a breather. Kissing stops. Did we break the club kissing record?

We then proceeded to the hugging stage of our 8min relationship. She started asking me stuff.

Fringe: “Where are you studyin’ now? “
Me: “NUS.. yew?"
Fringe: “XXX. I think ya cute.. I saw ya earlier by the bar when I came in. So it’s ya birthday today? How old are you?”
Me: “So where are u studying?”
Fringe: *laughs* “You just asked me that and I told you.. XXX”

I am horrible with QnA when I’m on juice. I cannot remember what has been asked before and I certainly will not remember anything beyond your introduction. I need checklists when I’m drunk. My focus lifespan is about 40 secs at the moment, but the real reason was that she had her hands on my inner thigh and it usually takes away ¾ of my brains.

Then I felt it coming... I needed to puke. I staggered to the washroom and tried my best to puke. I didn’t puke but I let off the smelliest burp I ever remembered. It was the kind that if I packaged it, I could sell it to Saddam as a nerve gas and he can use it to kill fat people with it.

I rinsed my mouth in case there was round two of tongue wrestling, then I made my way back. I sat down and she went back to snuggling up to me. I see two familiar faces, Dek and S, telling me to go up to join them. I was forced to make a decision so I rationalized and weighed my options and possible outcome.

1) I join the guys upstairs where it was more happening obviously. I continue to have fun with the guys but I probably won't get to kiss anyone. Or,

2) I stay with fringe and get to make out again.

Hands up if u choose no.2, because u now belong to a group of drunk ass with no guts for venture. I picked no.2 though, but 5mins into it I got bored. I told her to join me upstairs and I heard her say something about her friends so I said "ok, upch to yew.. I’m goin’ up now" and left.

But what I think she really said was "I'll tell my friends", so me leaving without her was the biggest self-cock block ever. I am an idiot, sometimes.

I went up to find the guys by the bar. Mj pulled me to see this girl from his school and wanted me to go talk to her. I was drunk so I had the balls of an elephant. I go to see this girl dancing with this dude who could kick my drunkard ass in 3 secs and since I don't really want to die on my birthday, I told MJ to reassess the situation and saved myself a beating. I’m drunk but I ain’t stupid.

LB wanted to go see Fringe so we headed down to find her. She was outside so I went to sit by her before LB pulled me away because she apparently wasn’t hot to him even though I distinctly remembered Dek and S saying that she looked pretty good.

This bespectacled lady with a gap in her tooth and some freckles came up to me to sell her roses. I took this as a chance to hone my economics.

Me: “How much?”
Lady: “$10”
Me: “I'll give yew $2”
Lady: “Cannot lah too little.”
Me: “I'll give yew $2”
Lady: “Too little lah.. I can’t earn like that. $5?”
Me: “It’s my birthday.. I'll pay yew $2.”
Lady: “Really cannot lah.”
Me: “It’s my bdirthay. It’s ok, I’ll give yew $2.”

The lady was a con artist. Did she really think she could trick me into thinking it was Valentine’s Day? It was September for crying out loud, who the fuck sells roses for $10? Dek and Draco had enough of my bargaining and bought the rose for me at $3.50.

We went for supper but the last I remembered was LB telling me I stank when we headed home.