The OZ Pictures

As I've promised.. here are the pictures. I blurred out some because I'm in it and the last thing I want is for people to stone me on the streets.

Some people I have no issues on showing and you can guage for yourself what I regard as hot. This is the Thai chick that hit on me in the club. I'll give her about a 6.5 - 7, largely for her boobs, and she's actually hotter in person. The pics don't do justice to her assets. Let me run you through on what I like. I like people with sharp features, meaning a nice nose. This girl was alot cuter in person and her body is almost perfect at the right places.

Girl, if that is you in the pic, I want you to contact me right away. Do not let distance be a deterence in getting to me. Girls have travelled all the way here to fuck me before, you can do it to. I don't have a pic of the Viet chick, but she's WAY hotter that this one.

I hope I won't get into trouble for posting these pics.

I actually like this above pic alot, with my face in it of cos. These people are the best party bunch I can hope for. These pics I might take down in future.

Ok now just to show you the infamous Ivory.. the chronicles and eventual debacle is found here

This is the only pic I have left on my com.

And lastly, the sign that made me laugh my ass of for 10mins straight on the road. Let me explain.

In case you have a bad eye sight, it reads "Wrong Way Go Back". The absurdity of this is that this sign is located 50m into the turn and on a one way road just before the bend. I hope you guys can draw a mental picture. Which means... By the time the driver sees this sign and realises that he is on the wrong side of the road, he has NO chance of turning back and is approaching the bend in 2 secs. He has just enough time to make a confession and pray that the road is clear. Either way, he is FUCKED. I don't understand why they just can't put "No entry" signs to warn people instead.

Funny country, but hey, they don't understand why Singapore toilets do not have half and full flush systems either.

The Car Ride with Blaque

Blaque is one of my closest friends and one of the most interesting person you'd ever meet, and if you can survive 10 mins with him, you'd probably grow to like him. Blaque is a bad drinker, I've written about his birthday stories before, but he makes up for this with really AMAZING explicit stories about his sex life.

I've known Blaque for over a decade now and there's only one thing you'd need to know about him, and that is, EVERYTHING is about him. As much as I can be egoistic and self centered at times, he religously sees to it that everything has to be about him and he is ONLY interested in talking about himself. He's selling point is that while he isn't good looking, he's hung like a horse and in his own words, he is a machine and he will make you scream.

Blaque calls one night to ask if I want to head out to catch up alittle. Having just come back from Australia and that I've not met him for awhile, I think catching up is a good idea and also largely because I want supper.

Blaque comes over to pick me. I get in and this follows.

Blaque: "Where to?"
Me: "I wanna eat, anywhere is fine."
Blaque: "I'm not hungry, lets just go for a car ride."
Me: "I wanna eat, can we find somewhere to eat?"
Blaque: "Nah..I'm not hungry. We'll go to the airport."

I've not had dinner yet and have only a meal in me for the entire day. I'm hungry. Very hungry. Will eat a cow alive hungry.

On the way there, he starts telling me his problems with the girlfriend and her family and how they are taking advantage of him by making him pay for stuff. The thing about Blaque is that he doesn't believe in being single. To him, if you ever need to break up, make sure you have someone to move on with, if not, tolerate the bullshit. I on the other hand oppose very strongly to this. To me, if there ain't love, move on, no point wasting your time and the other party's. Which is why despite his girlfriend being a total skank and that NONE of us like her, he's still with her.

The other thing about Blaque is that he has a soft spot for women. He splurges generously on them and speaks to them in the sweetest bitchiest voice a man can degenerate himself to. Most of my guy friends fall into that phone voice category.. Pappy..Reznor.. Hahaha.

One minute he is bitching his head off about the girlfriend and what an ass she can be and how he is not going to take bullshit anymore, and the next minute he is swooning over the phone with her, asking her if she wants to go eat and stuff. And caps it off with baby-talk!! It sends shivers up my spine. I don't give a fuck who you are, if you baby talk infront of me, you WILL be laughed at.

He misses the turning into the airport carpark and decides he wants to continue driving to somewhere else. He heads off back into the highway, while his Nissan guzzles away at the petrol.

Me: "Can we find somewhere to eat? I'm dying of hunger."
Blaque: "We'll just drive, I'm not hungry."

I'm relating the conversation as it is and not fabricating anything. This guy is so self-absorbed that he sees things one dimensional.

Then the sex stories, as he drives to Changi Village. We start talking about how long his longest sex session went.

Blaque: "5 hours"
Me: "5 hours?! Including foreplay and all?"
Blaque: "Nope, of pure ramming."
Me: "Fuck off! You had to rest at least. No one can fuck for 5 hours without resting. Not even Superman."
Blaque: "Ya, got rest lah, when changing positions loh.. maybe 30secs of rest at most."
Me: "Fuck off la! 5 hours leh, if you can fuck for 5 hours straight, you can run a marathon any day of the month."

Me: "Five hours, if the guy's not bored, the girl's probably dead from boredom."
Blaque: "Not with me. The girls enjoy it and I drive them crazy."

You see, Blaque takes ALOT of pride in his sexual performance, and a good way to take a swing at him is to question that ability. This arguement went on for abit, with me continually arguing and laughing if he had abrasions on his dick by the end of the night. Then he changes to other stories.

He tells me about how this girl would ask him repeatedly when he was going to take her to the hotel again. In his version, he gave the girl such a mindblowing fuck that she keeps coming back for more. Apparently, all of them do. This girl was one of his first internet hook ups and he has been trying to pass her on since.

Then he tries pimping them to me. The only person who has experienced Blaque's pimping is Lee, and only he can understand peer pressure from a friend trying to hook you up with girls he regard as sluts. Its totally whacked, when you don't believe in the product you sell.

The thing about Blaque is that he is a walking moral dicotomy. He only sees things as good or bad. He condemns gays and cannot condone why they like anal sex. He thinks gays don't enjoy anal sex because he thinks it is impossible for a guy to like another guy enough to want to have sex. He believes anal sex to be non-climaxable. He thinks butches should be hanged and shot dead. He thinks girls who sleep around have no morals and thus should be branded as sluts. He believes that only sluts and whores engage in ONS. He thinks that all women are fat unles they are bone thin. And you can never reason and try to influence him.

He gets pissed when I refused his contacts on girls.

Me: "They are not my kind."
Blaque: "Then what is your kind, cannot be fussy lah, if not you'll never get any."
Me: "You need to start hanging out with me more. I'm me, when you get hit on half as many times as me you'll see why."
Blaque: "But your dick is not huge, girls don't like that."
Me: "That's why thankfully I'm good looking."
Blaque: "Ya, God is fair right?"

I sometimes feel bad about being deliberately arrogant infront of Blaque. We've had alot of pass history and misunderstandings between us and I don't want to make it seem like I'm competing with him on who gets more women. I'm not, but the thing is that because we've not been out regularly in the last year, he's not aware of my lifestyle. I tried telling..but he doesn't listen.

We reach Changi Village and I tell him to pull over at the carpark so that I can go grab a bite. At this point, I'm clutching my belly and slouching over the dashboard.

Me: "Can we please eat here? I'm starving to death.."
Blaque: "There's nothing nice to eat here."

We circle the carpark to see the street walkers before Blaque decides that the place is not safe enough to park the vehicle. If he could, he'll kill everyone of them. He doesn't see why people would want to change sex. On any given day, I'd have jumped out of the car and start chatting the ladyboys up, but being faced with a possiblity of dying from malnutrition and hunger, conserving my energy to stay alive is paramount. Till this point, we've been on the road for an hour. It's that long because we took a long detour to get to the airport and spent nearly 20mins at the Budget Terminal. We decide to go Geylang to eat.

Along the way, he'll give me pointers on dating girls and how to bed them by saying things like.

Blaque: "Girls, you just need to give them one good one, and they'll keep coming back for more."

Blaque: "All you need is to spend money on them."

The thing is, Blaque came off a very bad relationship with a girl who really fucked up his perception on women in general. That girl was as he tells it, insatiable in bed till she met him and taught him everything he needed to know about great sex. Other than being a total psycho, their failed relationship in my opinion changed Blaque. Damn that bitch. Thus, I excuse him for subjectifying all 'decadent' women as sluts and cocksuckers.

Blaque believes very strongly that a huge dick defines everything and he'll never fail to remind you of it. As much as I always tell him how crudely he says stuff, I have this guilty pleasure of listening to them. It never fails to crack me up on how much he prides his dick. Trust me, it's come to a point that you'll actually believe he can lift a woman without hands.

Some of the less graphic stories he tells me.

Blaque: "This girl told me a guy took her here in a taxi. That's damn disgusting. The guy doesn't even drive a car. And after that I didn't feel like touching her."

In this instance he was referring to the girl as being casual with her selection of men. I protest about the car and say that I can't drive either.

Me: "Blaque.. can we please go eat?"
Blaque: "I keep telling you I'm not hungry.. you want me to watch you eat meh?"
Me: "Ya, you can talk while I eat.."
Blaque: "But I just want to drive and talk..."
Me: "You can fucking talk while I eat."

Believe me when I say he doesn't listen and that your opinions are merely opinions without consideration. By the time reaches Geylang, I've been out for about 1 1/2hrs, spoke nothing except on girls and his life and he's not asked a single word about my trip. As soon as we get there, I start dragging him through the streets to the beef kway tiao coffeeshop. This PRC streetwalker pops infront of us and propose that we do a threesome. (in mandarin of cos)

She: "I'll fuck both of you together."
Me: "You can't handle him lah, he's a machine. His dick is larger than your legs."

As soon as we get to the coffeeshop, Blaque complains about having to watch me eat and wants to go sightseeing.

Me: "Fuck you, just let me eat and we can go anywhere you want. I'll let you talk all night."

This is precisely why I love him so much. (as a friend).

Butterfly goes Prawning

Warning: VERY long entry and not the usual stories you'd expect from me.

If any of you have been prawning, you'll know that it thats ALOT of patience to catch those damn wanton stuffings. I now respect people who fish, and I mean REAL fishing in ponds or off docks. Its a wonder how anyone can devote so much time to waiting for a catch. Hence a change in my outlook on all things worldly, of late that would be dating. Rather than wait for one to take the bait, I'm going out to find me a nice girl that I can screw up.

Before we even went prawning at Marina South, I decided that I'm not going to spend another Saturday night at home and started looking for pre-prawn activities. I really needed alcohol and music but everyone else was either occupied or didn't think partying was enticing enough. Blaque called to say that he was going in to Johor and asked if I was doing anything later. Then in a moment of brilliance, I decided that I would head up to Johor to meet him and get drunk on the way up.

I called LB to tell him my plan and 10 mins later, I'm rummaging through my liqours, pouring them into plastic bottles and filling 160ml of Absolut Vanilla with a can of Pepsi Twist. There is no way a night can find a way to fuck me with alcohol as my companion. Terrance comes to pick Abbs and us.

Before we even reached the causeway, I've already finished my drinks and started getting a reminder of what alcohol does to my bladder. I need the little boys room.

10 mins later as we pass the checkpoint, I need the gents again. LB suggested eating Lok Lok, which if I managed to spell it right, is some road hawker with food on a stick and you just cook the food a la steamboat.



As soon as the cars pulled over, I made a run for the 7-11

Me: "Where's the toilet?"
7-11 guy: "There is no toilet"
Me: "What do you mean there is NO toilet? Where are you guys go to pee?"
7-11 guy: "Back alley"

I started running for the back, hopping in between steps. The moment I turned the corner, I started whipping it out and sprayed against the walls as I tried to move to a better spot away from view. It was nasty, a close glimpse of what its like to have a fucked bladder. If I'm going to start peeing uncontrollably, you guys need to put me down. I cant have me pissing on myself all the time.

So with me having finished a 30 sec long pee, no tap to wash my hands and a dinner that required me to use my hands awaiting me, you can imagine the amount of germs I brought to the table. I go back to the 7-11 store and the guys at the counter started smiling at me.

Me: "Sorry, I didn't flush."

A 160ml of Vodka is not going to get me drunk or even remotely highm but it is enough for me to start chatting up the plumish Lok Lok lady vendor. I might as well have been writing an encyclopedia with the amout of questions I was throwing at her. From the history of Lok Lok to asking 'what's that' on just about every food.

Me: "So how do you know how much I've eaten?"
She: "You need to keep the sticks"
Me: "What if people throw them away?"
She: "You can't do that, its dishonest?"
Me: "What do you mean can't do that? You cant tell dishonest people 'You can't do that', they're not gonna care."

We ate probably about 20 plus sticks in totally, I tried to drop a couple of them on the road.

Guy vendor: "Did you accidentally drop this?"

Nothing ever evades their eyes. Oh well you can't blame me for trying. The other thing I like about going countries where the exchange rates are in our favour is that I get to be a total asshole and say stuff I miss saying stuff like, "That's Cheap!" and "That's Fucking Cheap!"

Blaque called later as we finished up to asked if I was still around and that maybe we could still meet up. Had we no other plans that night and if I was properly dressed, I would have submitted to a night of debauchery. There's nothing more exciting than losing morality in a foreign land, best done under the heavy intoxication of spirits and spending a Saturday night worshipping the vices of a fringe city like JB.

On the ride back we decided to push Abbs' buttons and coerced her into telling us about her past relationships. Most of which I don't remember but these are those I remembered.

Me: "Have you ever had sex outdoors?"
Abbs: "No.."
Me: "What about in a car?"
Abbs: "Also no leh.."
Me: "What the fuck is going on with your life?!"
Abbs: "Haha...I'm quite a boring person actually.."

LB: "So what happened to your ex-bf? Why did'ya breakup?"
Abbs: "I think he got tired of me."
LB: "Ya I can see why?"

She later showed us a pic of her in the IC. She looked like the Stay Puff Marshmellow man, I laughed my head off.

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA, so where are your stretch marks?!"

After we got out of JB, we arranged to meet Pappy, Totti and Zeekay at Marina South for prawning. Totti was drunk before getting there and spent most of the time sleeping on the chair in front of the fish pond. It's my virgin attempt at this, so LB ran through the basics. The baits used are raw cockles that we had to cut into smaller pieces to attach onto the hooks. Throw it in and all we need to do it wait.

For a non-activity actitity, this is alot more fun than I had expected it to be. If only there were blowjobs in between waiting for the prawns to bite the bait, I'd say this would be the best way to spend 2 hours without killing by brains. Its a nice change from my lifestyle of dance music, lots of alcohol and babes. What the place needs is hot women prawning in bikinis and I would dedicate my life to making Prawning an official sport in the Olympics.

The only thing about this that would make it a popular hobby for me was the fee. It cost $24 for about a 2hr plus activity and for that amount, we can go fishing at Zouk or MoS. What would also be nice is a beer garden, nothing beats prawning when you are drunk. This way they can have a lifeguard stationed at the side to dive in when people start fall over into the ponds. I'm sure there would be one if it's Australia, it's mandatory to have a beer bar at all outdoor activity centres.

You need alot of patience for prawning and thankfully patience is one of my redeeming traits. I can wait for my dates for an hour, but I'd expect a good fuck for that at nite. Seriously, Prawns are pretty smart for something thats going to end up on my seafood platter. I found myself cursing at the damn creatures for stealing my bait off the hook.

Terrance and LB were catching prawns like a Pipe Pipper bagging children and even Pappy and Zeekay who had a slow start ended up having enough prawns to make two decent servings of dumpling soup. The amusing thing here is that for the first hour, Pappy caught nearly nothing and was mostly feeding the cockles off the hook to the prawns. His face was priceless, half fraustrated half irritated and all depressed. After LB suggested him changing prawning spots did he make his first catch. Immediately as the prawns in his loot increase, he started trash talking.

Pappy: "One for team xxx"

He was randomly giving names to his partnership with Zeekay and throwing high fives and wild celebrations for every successful catch he made. Prior to that I was taking cheap shots at his bald patch, saying "Nobody prawns for two hours without catching anything!" and in a span of 10 mins, he had doubled my and Abbs' tally. I had to salvage the situation.

Abbs caught 3 in the final 15mins after a 2 hour drought. Leaving only me, having caught only 1, largely because I wasn't prawning for a bulk of the time, but I wasn't to be got done by them.

What did I do? I decided I'd go catch a fish. With my bare hands.

I dragged Totti with me, since he was still groggy after the drinks and would thus probably be the only one crazy enough to think fishing with bare hands to be possible. We went over to the fish pond where I had earlier saw a fish swimming close to the sides, just within reach of grabbing.

Okay, before I even continue, I'd like to add that under normal circumstances, it'll be almost impossible to catch a fish with your bare hands, and this fish was decently large, about the size of normal red snapper you buy at the market. What made this possible was that the fish looked like it was dying. It had one eye and was swimming very near the surface. As LB points out later, I had to be either incredibly crazy, stupid or brave to attempt the stunt I pulled.

Totti botched the first attempt and it was left to me. The bugger was swimming awkwardly close to the sides and I figured that the only way was to grab it by the tail firmly and pull it out as fast as I could. The only danger was the sickles on the top of the fish which might cut me during its struggle. Was that going to deter me from a place in fishing immortality? Hell no.

I grabbed the tail as it furiously struggled, whipping its body from side to side. I made sure the grip was strong and pulled it out of the water before dropping it on the ground. The fish looked like the ugliest fish I've seen being single eyed and all and my rough handling of it had caused it to lose a number of scales.

It laid there still frantically flapping its tail. Then came the question. What am I going to do with it. I had been so focused to catching it that it never occured to me that I didn't want to take it home. The last thing I want is to poison my family with a dying blind fish. We stood there, the admiration of my antics had died off and the comedy of me trying to hold on to the fish had ran its course.

Me: "So who wants the fish?"

No one wanted any part of the dying fish cause they were certain that any fish stupid enough to be caught like that had to be sent by King Neptune to poison the human race. LB finally decided to take the fish to use as food for his other fishes back home. Yes, fishes are cannibals. Catching the fish was actually illegal because we only paid to catch prawns. Fuck the rules, I used my hands as tools and not borrowed equipment.

the morning after prawn...

added: After LB had spent the entire car ride home shrieking and squirming at the fish struggling in the pail and after sending Abbs back to get her running gear, we met up with Totti and Zeekay for breakfast. I saw one thing coming...

LB: "Dude! She is damn boring.."
Me: "Ya I told ya.."
LB: "She is like the most boring person in the world.."
Me: "Maybe she's just tired.."

Not that I was being nice but people do have off days. Not everyone can be interesting and engaging everyday, and considering that she is in a company of strangers, its inadvertant that you'll be more reserved. See, even I can see both sides of a coin.

Zeekay and I got dragged into watching LB, Totti and Terrance play in the soccer match. I have effectively been awake for nearly 24hrs and being a groupie is the last thing on my mind. They disregard my protest and drove straight to the soccer match.

As soon as the car slotted into the lot, LB who had been asleep for the entire ride jumps up from his seat.

LB: "Hey Bro..."

It startled all of us cos he looked like he just got off a bad dream.

LB: "I left my boot at the carpark.."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we burst out laughing at the adsurdity unfolding before us. LB had left one boot out at the carpark before we drove here and was now stuck with only one boot to play the match with. Then we got out and it started drizzling. Not funny anymore. We got to the pitched and realised that there isn't a groupie corner with shelter. Not funny at all. The only shelter was at the other end of the pitch where the toilets were. The shelter is perhaps 30cm long and had 2 benches just next to a heavily soiled toilet. This is fucking great.

The field is absolutely horrible. It looked like an entire herd of cows just had a 3 day all you can eat buffet there. Save for the sporadic patches of grass, this would have qualified as a beach soccer.

Whether it was the field of the playing level, the game was just horrible to watch. Zeekay was having a field day shouting insults at the players.

Zeekay: "FUCK! My grandmother can hit the ball better with her ass! You are a piece of shit!"

I would normal have joined in the festive mood of hurling abuse, but I was way too tired. My dreams deserve more attention then the little league.

The opposition was an entire team of Malays called the Dirty Dozen ( wow.. points for originality there, they might as well call themselves Aerosmith). I took them for the win, you know how good Malays are with a ball at their feet.

They score the opening goal. I am spot on. Then LB's team levels the score. I fell asleep, woke up to find that the score is now 5-1 in favour of LB's side. Thinking Zeekay is fucking with me, I tell him to fuck off. In the following span of 10mins, the score is up 8-1. I am wrong, D12 sucks big time. See, this is what happens when you put hope on people incapable of delivery.

With the match easily won and the match debriefly that went something like, "ok those that haven't paid the $10 pay to ..". The guys decided that a nice steam bath and a massage would be the best way to reward themselves. I had done nothing except doze off and laugh at the slow wingbacks but I'll never pass off a chance to pamper me.

My masseuse was a fucking chiropractor who other then cracking every joint in my body, was horrible at everything else. She spent a good 15mins cracking everything, my neck, fingers, back, legs and had a good arsenal of submission moves that she tied me into and released only after I shouted. She had on this super short skirt and seemed to loved kneeling down above my head. This is a PG massage. The thing about me is that even for a massage, the person massaging me has to be at least attractive or young. I cannot take men or old ladies touching me, its just repulsive.

LB comes out of his massage looking VERY pissed. Apparently, his massage was horrible and the massuese looked like a pig. She was indeed ugly. Short, stumpy and a flat face, I'd have kicked her if she ever tried touching me.

First date in Ages.

You'll know its a fucked week when nothing good turns your way. Since I've been back it's been a cornucopia of bullshit. Reality is smacking me right in the face to wake up, and my apparent action to ditch my school priorities is now facing the wrath of consequence. This is bad.. and I know it.

When I come back to find piles of work screaming for my attention and I'm faced with two options. Get it done or leave everthing to alcohol.

I get an F for my essay. This is serious, you'd seldom see me hit the panic switch, but if there ever was a need for me to get legitimately worried about my studies or lack of it, it would be now. I'm faced with a possibilty of not being able to graduate on time if I mess this one up. What am I going to do about it? I've got it all figured. I've entered a reminder in my phone which reads, "Monday 1245hrs; Beg for moderation of grades".

I also got invited to my ex-girlfriend's wedding. I wrote about this in the other blog entry so I shan't elaborate.

The only thing that would cap my miserable week was a bad date. Lo' and behold, I get my wish come true. The things fate does to fuck up my life. Im beginning to wonder if its a vendetta. Did I sleep with fate's wife or something?

I dated the hot girl from Zouk, the one I demanded a contact number from. This date reminded me why I hated the whole dating proceedure so much. It's boring, there just isn't enough key words to lead me on in anticipation. Prior to this, I reminded myself that I should just be nice, refrain from vulgarities and insults and I should have myself a decent date. WRONG.

The date starts out like a regular date, a movie. Seeing her again, I realised two things. She looked alot better the last time I saw her and that her pretty face is the best thing going for her. Considering how I usually date girls with killer bods, this girl is an exception. The whole time, I kept repeating to myself, "say only the good things, say only the good things." It was like a fucking chant I was drilling into me, had there been an accompanying music, I would have broken out into a rap.

10mins into the date, I was pretty sure this date was going to be a good thing. Firstly, I didn't have much I wanted to say to her, and she was pretty quiet. I evaluated and decided that less conversing would reduce my chances of saying the wrong stuff. Less is good already, I love it.

15mins into the date. I realised that going to watch Dorm might turn out to be a bad idea, considering how much I dread horror films cos it brings out the coward in me. Turns out Dorm isn't a horror film. Well it had to be a comedy cos she was laughing at almost all the sentimental scenes. I shan't spoil the film for you but honestly, the film is NOTHING like how it is marketed.

This is one of those dates where you can dichotomize the date. I would pick 'boring' as a rather safe summary of how everything would be going. Let me explain, and give the girl a worthy defense.

She had fore-warned me that she has this tendency to space out when she is tired, and having been working her ass off the last 10hours, she is tired. I explained to her that her spacing out is not going to make this a disaster date. I have been through far worse dates to be affected by a girl spacing out and oblivious to my presence. Remember, I'm the doctor of fucked up dates. Nobody I know has continuosly had shit dates after shit dates and manages to fuck up the decent dates, except me. I am Atila the Hun, I destroy all memories of sweet dates.

Couple things happened at dinner after the movie. First, she met her ex. I am very interested in seeing the person. Why? Simply cos her ex is a former female undergone a sex change to a male. Yes! Finally, after meeting hordes of beauty queens with an operated hole, I finally get to meet someone with a fake pole. The thing about them is that they look just like any other butch, not at all masculine or hairy as I would expect 2yrs of testosterones would make. I would have asked her how it felt like to be fucked by a very enlarged clit, but she was with 'him' pre op. There goes her only chance to engage me.

She spoke very little, and I was at my wits end trying to find topics. I decided that I would say anything I wanted to spice this up. She gave me my first opening.

She: "I think his (her ex) girlfriend is hot."
Me: "Are you kidding? She's half ugly and all fat."

That girl was at least 65kg with a jeans tab that would have read 34 inches. Her hair was frizzy and her face was neither pleasant looking nor porcelin polished. I took a glance at her and that was all I needed to certify ugliness.

Huixx and Jules suddenly popped up to throw a lifeline on a sinking date. I later messeged her.

Me: "Yawn..the highlight of my night is seeing you..yawn"
Huixx: "She so pretty. Should've sniffed a catch somewhere."
Me: "Yea..that's about it...She's pretty. Full Stop..."

Its been a LONG time since I've been on a date where I actually had to talk more than the other party. I don't like talking much and the other party usually has tons of stuff to tell me while I muster the time and muscle to smile or giggle at their jokes. Today, I found myself speaking more than my tongue would have appreciated till I decided that being nice was not gonna work. A mild dose of sacarsm wrapped around humour is what's needed to keep me entertained.

Me: "I'll tell you what. I'll structure my sentences so that you'll only have to answer yes or no, or anything solely kept to a single word. This way, I'll conserve ya brain cells and you can last through the night."

She: "I've never been to The Balcony."
Me: "You sure you want to go there? It looks awfully crowded. And you spacing out and me talking to a statue is going to make me look really bad."

At Balcony..

She: "Looks really uncomfortable, is there anywhere more comfortable?"
Me: "So you can fall asleep and I can entertain myself?"
She: "I won't fall asleep."
Me: "Yea I hope you won't cos I'll kick and punch till you wake up."

At Indochine, inside the disco area.

Me: [talking very loudly against the loud music] "YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SIT IN HERE?"
She: "WHERE SHOULD WE SIT"
Me: "ANYWHERE IS FINE"
She: "WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU.. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SIT IN HERE?"
Me: "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU."
She: "OK, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD SIT OUTSIDE"
Me: "..."

She started asking about the people I've dated and I told her my dating stories. She found it amusing but it might have been a tool for her in changing her mind about dating me. Why did I tell her my stories knowing a possible backlash if I should continue dating her in future? Well its simply cos she was that stoned, tired and boring that I had to save myself. The topic inadvertantly switches to the foriegn legion I've dated and she asked if I've dated Indonesian's before. Turns out she's half Indo-Chinese.

Then she asked if she could see my pictures on my handphone. Usually if I was really serious about the girl, letting her see my phone on the first date is going to kill my chances of a second date. My phone is littered excessively with pictures of other girls and me in very close proximity. I saw her face expressions winched as she ploughed through a portion of my pictures.

She: "You seem to have a lot of females on your phone."
Me: "Yea, one to remember every date."
She: "Really?"
Me: "Yup, so that when people ask me about the girl, I can tell a story about her and how the date went. If it was brighter I'd have taken your pic and I'll say, 'oh that one, she spaces out alot' ."

The only thing that was bothering me more than the date, was the pimple growing on my upper lip region. Its the first date in half a year that I've been on that I've not heard a single word on 'sex' and 'I think you're cute'. Ok, when I said date I meant an outing dedicated to knowing the person, and not a walk down town before heading back to fuck. You know, elementary level conversations about them, what they like, blah blah blah.

What is wrong with people these days? Usually by now, I'd be mentally undressing the person and think how good sex will be with her in the following 3 hours. Not this time. She's so guarded and tired that the negativity is beginning to rub off on me. The last time I felt so bored in a date was after I found out this girl I was out with, was a virgin.

She: "I'm really boring you huh?"
Me: [smile and nod]

She apologised several times on being tired and that she's usually more lively. The only thing that went well with this date was that I didn't do anything to fuck it up. Maybe I did enough damage by tell her my dating stories and that I'm pretty much an asshole at times. Its a wonder what boredom can do to my consistency in honesty. I've never been so honest in relating stories to a stanger.

Maybe dating ain't for me afterall. How am I going to sustain interest in a person long enough for me to like her if we're not going to hold hands, kiss or fuck? What's the joy in watching movies and superficial banter on work, life and interest? I'll only know this by the way that I've been kissed, till then, the Butterfly remains a butterfly.

Drinks and Drugs, not good for Sex

Edit: As I wanna keep this strictly story based, I'll write any daily quips here.

For those of you who have never drank, taken drugs or had sex, this is a lesson for you in case your boring life decides to take a turn. Remember, all of the above activities should be best done independently or chronologically staggered, but it should never be done simultaneously. The results of such a devlish brew of vice is quite a concoction for disaster. Trust me, I have a story to tell on this.

For some guys, being heavily intoxicated seriously wipes out all sense of the word erection. That word ceases to exist once you are pissed. Some people reach that state even after a couple beers and relatively sober. Alcohol fucks up your dick in different ways. So the next time your friends do a beer bash before sex, it's best if you pre-check your equipment prior to engagement. Maybe do a dry run at home first, before you jump on the band wagoon and come out firing blanks.

Drugs, I won't comment much. Some guys can, some guys cant erect after consumption. Girls on the other hand go wild. Seriously, a girl on a pill is a nymph possessed, sex obsessed starlet. You just need to get her on film to legitimately call it porn. Whatever it is, remember that drugs are illegal and its not good for you, it'll do you good to stay off it. There, I just did community service by saying that. I seriously don't give a shit if any of you sniff or smoke, unless I'm fucking you, then I want you sober.

Remember, when I say drunk, I'm talking about my level of drunk. The drink I had in that occassion is usually well more than what most people take. I'm talking about 2 Absinthes and 6 whiskey shots and I'm on speed. You can imagine me to be very much in the 'fucking up sex' disaster zone.

And the worst place for this to take place, is the toilet. Don't give me sniggers and preach to me about decency. I have none. When you are high and you have a very horny hot lady constantly fellating you through your 501 jeans and moaning into your ears, you'll think anything is a good idea. Even watching re-runs of Under one Roof.

Banging in cubicles require alot of dexterity and neglect for hygiene. If you've never done it, its a good experience but you might want to practise in the handicap cubicle first. Its not good when your partner has a one track mind to blow you and is only focused on removing your pants and no regards to your request.

Like I said, I'm a walking eunuch at that state of chemicals in me. Even Angelina Jolie frolicking me isn't gonna get me up. The girl is still concern with my pants and is in a state of chemically induced 'drunkness' and there I am backed against the cubicle wall holding a condom looking on as she fumbles through my belt.

She gets them off and just as everything else was sloppy and forced, she slips forward in a sudden loss off balance while she is squatting down infront of me and in the worse men killing move, headbutts by prick. Its amazing what alcohol does to your pain tolerance, or maybe she didn't make that much a contact as I thought she did. I clutch my belly to fight THAT radiating pain. You guys know it, everyone has been hit in the nut before.

The debacle is only beginning.

The only thing worse than being headbutt in the balls, is having to think of excuses to why you are not responding to blowjobs. I tried everything, from imagining porn to deep breathing. Had I needles, I would have perform self accupuncture on myself. I was that desperate to not embarass myself. In any case, I was going to blame her headbutt for the predicament.

5 mins later, she shoots me the whats wrong look. I shrugged, then push her head back and encouraged her again with a pat on the back. The only thing going through my mind was that I'll probably have a 2min window once the blood decide to rush in and in that 2 mins, I had to slip on the cap, and commence intercourse. The only foreplay she's gonna get is flushing the toiletbowl to cover the noise. I'm not being mean, but girls in her state don't really need it. Go take a shot and see how you feel and tell me if I'm wrong.

With her bending over the bowl with her hands on the seats, I actually thought the whole thing was pretty dumb. The only reason why I had gone through with this silly escapade was because of the novelty factor. I just wanted to try anything I found to be remotely exciting. Damn my alcoholism, this would have been way better if I was sober.

2 mins later, I realised that I overestimated my buffer zone and run the risk of limping out. Fuck, I hate it when alcohol fucks with me. I can't possibly get her to resume blowing again and I'm not going to fake it. I seriously hoped that she wouldn't be able to tell if its a finger. Sorry, I don't write on the erotic build ups, the last thing I want is you getting a stiffy while reading. I rather you laugh, not cum.

Did I fuck it up? Not really. Did she enjoy it? I seriously doubt so. Did she say anything about the inccident? Yep, for sure she did. I don't care, when people are high and drunk, they can climax from picking their nose.

The Australian Trip- The End

The one thing I loved about Australia was the night sky. Every night I'll take a bottle of beer, a fag and my jacket and just lie endlessly on the table, gazing in the sky. I thought about alot of stuff and did a alot of reflection on my life. I thought about my family, friends and mostly about love. Then it hit me.. I need more drinks.

I start questioning why I came here, and what was I actually hoping for. Then I realised that I was always chasing the impossible because it was that much more romantic. Did it just take me $1140 to realise that Minori was a dream? I had been so caught up in memories that I forgot the wrath of reality. As she sat next to me, I saw the same face I thought I fell in love with. She was still her, but everything was different. The magic had faded and I was chasing it because I think deep down, I really wanted to fall in love, AGAIN.

I went to Adelaide cos I wanted to be in love again, and I was actually prepared to give up my lifestyle. Every time I looked at her I'd still remember the aftermath of her kiss and how sweet the memory was. Perhaps I should have left it as it was, a beautiful memory. Its been about 5 months since and now she's right next to me, but the beauty of it is gone.

The only reason why I hooked up in Adelaide with the other girls was cos I had to move on. This chapter, how beautiful I had remembered it to be had to be closed. Ok, and also because I was pretty high and I would never pass off a hot girl when I'm single. If you are hot and if you pick me up, you will definitely score with me. To the Thai and that Viet, I had a great time having you lick my ears, and I wouldn't mind if you came Sg looking for me.

Monday:

It's my last day in Adelaide and I suddenly feel like I'll miss everything here. Note, just 2 days ago, I would have contemplated torching the city just to see Australians move around faster. No offence to the OZs, but you guys do stuff pretty slowly. Peace man, I love kangaroos too, oh and beer of cos. You should see how an Aussie does the dishes and how we Asians do it. The Aussies look like they are in bullet time freeze frame, everything else around them is moving so much faster than they are.

I suddenly miss the sun. The weather is getting much cooler cos autumn is coming and the Asians here are hot. What, did you think the culture and lifestyle is gonna make me wanna stay? I just miss here cos going back to Singapore is gonna suck. I can't imagine how fast these two weekends have gone past and I still remember getting pissed on the plane coming here.

I appreciate what Thanh and Minori is doing for me, especially when I don't really know them. Thanh is a great host and she's one of the whackiest girl I've met, and I'll miss them both along with some of the others who took me out.

Leaving Adelaide was more depressing than I imagined. It was shit loads of fun and I drank more this weekend than I have on any weekends before. Last night on a tame night I had about 300ml of VSOP, a beer and another 6 shots of midori and sprite. Thats typical me. I guess I came here with far less expectations, and leaving for Perth again just didn't cut it.

Eugg picked me up from the domestic terminal and we went to the beach with a six pack of beer. I pretty much forced him to go back to Burswood cos picking up girls at casinos are always fun. Turns out to be a bad idea.

We go to the bar to get drinks. Eugg gets two pints of beer. The barmaid is friendly but she has excessive facial hair and I can never resist commenting. I tell her,

Me: "Thanks, and maybe you might want to shave your moustache."

Eugg starts laughing,

Eugg: "What the fuck did you just say!"
Me: "Don't act like you didn't see that."

She either didn't hear me the first time round, or is too professional at beer taping to be affected by my comments. We however, face the backlash of karma. By the 4th round, I'm up $60 and Eugg is already close to broke. I decide that A$60 is too little to even cash out and decide to bet bigger.

12.25am: Eugg is out of chips, and I'm down to my base of hundred.

12.30am: Eugg goes out to make a call and I think changing back my A$100 is a stupid idea. I decide to split my bet on two hands of blackjack.

12.32am: I get a 19 for both cards. I think I made a brillant decision.

12.33am: The bitch banker hits a 4 at 17 points and wins all my money. Not cashing out is a bad idea. Betting all my money is an even dumber idea.

While Eugg laughs at Lee's 'Stay at 4 story', he tops it tonight. He gets a double Ace. Now in Singapore Blackjack rules, that's a triple payoff, but in the casino, thats just two very fuck cards. Its a 2 or 12. At double ace, people usually split, if they don't they'll hit another card cos it's only logical to do so. Nobody will ever stay at 2 points, I hope I don't have to explain to you why. Eugg proves me wrong and loses all his money on that hand. I laugh uncontrollably after that at his stunt. Going to casinos with my card-idiot friends are the best night entertainment ever.

We spent the later part of the night smoking out. I wrote yesterday's entry under the influence of a joint, so if there's typo or other shit mistakes, you should forgive me. Thats why I always said smoking was bad.

Tuesday:

We woke up to have dim sum this morning before going to the airport. I almost missed my flight cos I was too smittened by this SUPER hot Korean chick seated a table from me. I did film her down just for voyeuristic pleasure. Anyway, she was with this other Korean and it turns out that her friend was just there accompanying her just like Eugg was.

While queuing up at the immigration line, I start making small talk with her, despite me running very late. At a 3pm and a flight leaving at 3.30pm and with about 200 people infront of me at the line, panic had yet to set in on me.

3.15pm: I find out that she is travelling on Singapore Airlines to Singapore, 30mins after my flight but she'll be in terminal 2.

3.20pm: I decide that no girl is worth missing my flight over, and start asking people to let me jump queue.

3.27pm: I finally reach the gate and realise that there is a slight delay in boarding.

3.30pm: I regret not taking her contact or a picture (would have been wierd and uncool right..). I hate slow boarding flights cos all the people whom I ask to let me jump queue were now starting to walk up and by sitting down to wait for my supposedly 3.30 flight, I was looking alot like a lying Asian boy.

She is THAT hot. Tall, tan, tattoo, tight butt.. too many positive T's. I was telling Eugg before I went in.

Me: "Babe, she is fucking hot! If she was my gf, I'm never gonna leave her generally vicinity for a month."
Eugg: "Yea, you said that about..." [starts finger gesturing].
Me: "This is fer real dawg~!"
Eugg: "Yaaa.. you said that too."

Anyway, the flight back was good cos its half load so I get to have two seats for myself. The only downside was this Indonesian lady I was seating with. She's probably like 40yrs old and she breaks out into random prayer sessions. One for take off, one for landing and a couple in between during turbulance.

That is just the good part. The bad part was that she continually spoke to me, despite me putting on the headphones and watching a movie. It doesn't stop her from rattling at the side of my headphones or taping my arm. She's lucky the knife in the cutlery set is plastic. And if I didn't know better, I'd think she was trying to hit on me. She starts asking me questions about what I do and where I live and told me, verbatim:

She: "I stay Alone at Bukit Merah, so lonely going back alone.. You know Bukit Merah?"

and,

She: "So you taking MRT or Bus later?"

Leave me alone old bitches! I'll be honest, I didn't say a single wise crack to her and I was pretty nice in answering everything she asked. The only thing I faked was that I was studying in Australia and that I'm back to visit my girlfriend. Why? Cos embarassingly, I filled up a Singapore Embarkation form for visitors, so I couldn't say I was Singaporean now could I. What was even worse was that my mum came to pick me up and cos I said I was meeting my girlfriend, she shot me the, 'I knew you'd love older women' look. Either that or it was the, 'did you really think I was hitting on you?' look.

I'm glad I decided to throw down everything here to go chase a dream, cos I found it. The kind of holiday right out of a textbook party novel. The kind that I'll always remember. Now, all I need is to check myself into a rehab centre for my liver and get some Aids test done. Kidding!

The Australian Trip- Adelaide part 2

Saturday:

It's funny how I expected this leg of the holiday to be tame and mild and yet it turns out to be heaps more happening than Perth ever was.

I actually went to the Art Museum yesterday. Yes, me in the home of arts, after a couple of beers. Arts museum rules, its like watching free porn without surfing the net. Its weird what beers can actually do to your prick. I start getting a stiffy from looking at fat painted trenaissance women with boobs popping up all over the place, not funny when you have to walk in boxers. All this eroticism in art pisses me off, why cant women now be like the ones in the painting, topless half the time.

I know nothing about art but when school kids find it possible to take notes on pieces of canvas with ink bludges, I take it as a challenge against my cultural aptitude. Fuck it, I will not lose to school kids who have never even seen porn. I start staring at the pictures that seems to e getting the most attention. Its a picture of Helen of Troy being attacked by some fucker in a funky outfit with a stupid helmut. While they wrote on perfect symmetry and colours, all I saw was tits.

Other ridiculous art was this canvas painted entirely black and they actually managed to conjour bullshit out of it. Thinking it's a matter angles, I start shifting myself to their spots. Still, black. I move again, still black. Art is all about finding bullshit.

Back to story. Everyone is having a hangover, so we spend the day pretty much just lazing around.

We head to Isobar at about 11.30 for one of their friend's birthday bash. Asian paradise, its my playground. I'm now introduced as "the one without the bladder." I don't know which is more surprising for them, a Singaporean that does the Melbourne Shuffle, or a Singaporean out drinking Australians. I fly the state flag well, I'm a perfect party ambassador.

The place sucks so the girls decide RnB might be better. We head to Tonic. Equally boring. The only thing that can save this failing night is a rave club. Hence, Earth. This is the kind of place you see in shuffle videos. Glowsticks, shufflers, ravers, drugs, blowjobs in toilets, vice haven.

I conclude that its not shuffling that gets people hitting on you, its just me being me. Maybe it's the holiday luck, or maybe I really should start dressing up for clubs. I go toilet and when I come out, this two girls are standing outside. One of them looks like her forehead is a contour map of the Himalayas. Its almost impossible to squeeze that much acnes on one small area, but Miss Oxy 2006 did it. The other chick is pretty hot, flat butt but enough boobs and a sharp nose go a long way for me.

As soon as they see me, Miss Oxy walks away, thankfully so cos any sherpa would have died seeing her face. Then hotter girl comes up to me and starts chatting me up. Apparently she tailed me all the way up to the toilet. 'A plus' for effort already, I like her more. After a brief conversation, of which I tell her I'm not local and despite arriving with an entourage of girls, still very much single. She's a Viet, I love it. If you know about Viets in Australia, you'll know that having them as friends are perfect. No one messes with Viets, unless you're looking to be stabbed. No one is gonna fuck with me now.

Anyway, I head back to the dance floor where Minori is with the others. Viet starts randomly coming up to dance with me. The predicament now is, how am I going to exploit this situation.
She starts rubbing up against me, what do I do? Nothing. How long can I resist temptation? About 2 mins tops. I finally give in and she leads me to towards the step up to the toilets. Oh I forgot to mention, by the time she comes back to me, she had already popped. Long live E. What follows later is a true testament to what girls who really want to fuck you will go to lengths for. The downside is that two absinthe and plenty of shots tend to fuck up bodily co-operation abit.

The thing about rave joints is that most people are either nose deep in snow or breathing alcohol. Its a fucking chemist joint. They say really classic lines.

Druggie: "Dude, I'm so drunk."

This is dumb cos people there who pop don't drink at all. Kids, see what drugs do to you? Do you want people to laugh at you?

The other thing is the communal bottle. What's that? Its this mineral water bottle that they share between them. I'm talking about 10 people sharing a bottle, and one of them was in the toilet stirring his vomit in the sink because the chunks were too big to go down. The fucking bottle gets pass all night round, I reject it cos unlike here where no one wants to fucking waste drugs to spike your drinks, people there want everyone fucked like them.

This other drug fucked Malaysian Chinese starts asking me if we have Trance music in Singapore and if we have license to take drugs in clubs. And he was pissing me off all night because he kept asking for fags, even after telling him I didn't 4 times before.

Me: "Do you apply for a license to be dumb?"
He: "No lah"
Me: "We open Zouk for you people, we bring Van Dyk in for you, we invented trance for you."
He: "No lah"

Right after our little tryst, the Viet girl disappears. Probably off to fuck some other tourist, you know how fit these Viet Congs can get. The situation between me and my Jap doll is pretty complex, I say so cos I have to explain too many whys. I can never really focus when too many cute Asian chicks prance around me and show high propensity to want to fuck me. Love will have to find me when I go home. My sis was hoping this trip would tone me down, oh boy will she be disappointed. You see, Mino made me realise, verbally, that I'm not built to withstand long distance relationships. It's retribution, I'm treating all girls nice from now on.

Sunday:

Thanh brings us out to get tickets for the Adelaide Fringe Festival. Its some arts festival and have some pretty good standup comedy shows. Do a google on it. My life here is not always about booze and party. I squeeze in time for chances to meet cute girls at comedy gigs too.

If I was dating Mino, this would have been a pretty decent day to get romantic, unfortunately I wasn't. We end up going to her friend's birthday at a lawn bowling club. Yes lawn bowl. As wierd as it sounds, the place is filled with young people bowling horrendous shots. Then I spot the bar counter, explains everything.

Four Asians, two of which obviously found the all-you-can-eat buffet counter by the bar. One hot one I smiled at and was later introduced turns out be a mother. The other girl smiled but didn't come over, might likely have been the fact that I was holding Mino's bag. I'm on holiday, every miss deserves an excuse.

They start asking me about Singapore and how I found Adelaide.

Guy: "Drinks in SG are damn expensive. I paid $34 for a damn drink."
Me: "Did you get a blowjob?"

It takes about 2 mins before they get the pun in the joke, by then I'm already commenting on the wonders of food fried with pig's lard and how it's unknown here. Whats there not to like about the down under. They have road signs that write, "drowsy drivers die." and "wrong way tun back", you have to love them.

The comedy gig later that night was pretty ok. Arj Baker is decently laughable if you're had a couple beers to pre-empt disaster. His one classic line on being religious.

Arj: "I'm half Indian so that means I'm born wth a religous starter kit installed. I'm 1/4 German so I get the job done and 1/8 Dutch so I only pay 1/8 the bill."

Some guy with tourettes starts hurling abuses. Its probably the beer.

We spend the remainder of the night drinking Vodka, Beer and VSOP while watching MTV and Thanh blurts out to Minori, "he came here to see you." Long pause, awkward silence then the video of Extreme singing "More than words" come on. What perfect timing songs have in fucking me up. This isn't the first, it happened when Mino was leaving SG and with Ivory at Walas.

Things actually turns out be to better than I expect. I meet probably 2000 people the last two nights thanks to their extensive social network. Its just terrible that I don't remember most of them and say things like,

Me: 'Yea, Soul Bar was solid, how come you didn't go?"
Guy: "I was there, I bought you the burbon coke."

The Australian Trip- Adelaide part 1

Thursday:

Binge drinking 4 hours before a flight is not good. I had a nasty headache and I had to spend the entire flight coping with screaming babies on board, right next to me.

I meet Minori in town then spend the next hour walking around with all my luggage. Taxi driver in down under are millionaires, do you know how much it cost to take a fucking cab? From the distance from Orchard road to Newton, it's probably going to cost you $15. The meter jumps like its going out of fashion, whether its on the move or at the red light. A red light is gonna cost you at least $1 so everytime you hit one, its like a traffic fine. Bless the cabbies at home.

There really isn't anything much in Adelaide. When I was in SG and told people I was going to Perth and Adelaide, everyone said, "What the hell is there to see there?". And when I was in Perth and told the people at boringville that I was gonna go to Adelaide, they all said, "What the hell is there to see there?". Yea, I should have seen that coming.

The worst was yet to come.

There is something wrong between her and me. Its true what they say about magic, its only good the first time round. Its retribution at its best laughing at me. Remembering how Ivory and Suci came all the way from their respective countries to find me and how things didn't work out, this was the exact same scenario. I am fucked.

Before I even get here, I've actually already anticipated these. The only thing I failed to think about was my contingency plan. I had none. Well done, I give myself a pat on the back for the lack of forsight and contemplate flying back. Perhaps I had expected too much out of this trip.

There are actually 2 other girls living in the house. Thanh and Molys who are pretty fun people to hang out with. I am far from being myself because they cant really catch it when I speak fast, and I'm not good at being around strangers. I'll warm up after drinks.

Friday:

I spend the whole morning shopping around the city, eating alone and actually visiting the art museum. I'm such a tourist if you saw me walking around with a camera and videocam. Some Asian students at the University actually asked where I was from. I'm not abandoned, just that Minori has to work so I have to spend 5 hrs alone while waiting for her to end work. Not sweet at all, I have no choice now do I?

Thanh picks us up to go view a place they are considering to rent. This black real estate agent chick with damn cool braids tells us some horror story about the last house she went to. The guy had collected his own feaces in jars and decorated them around the house. I almost gag when I hear it.

At night, we finally go clubbing at Soul Bar. The place is Asian paradise. I'd never have known I was in Adelaide. Asian outside of SG always seem to be that much hotter, even the barmaids. Prior to getting there, I've already had 3 glasses of wine and all of them wanted to get me drunk.

Thanh: "Do you drink alot?"
Me: "Yea, sometimes."
Thanh: "So you're a pretty good drinker huh?"
Me: "I'm ok i guess"

They decide to get me shit house drunk. I warn them that it takes quite a bit to get me to that state. They don't believe. And that I trash talk when I'm gone, so I might just randomly start a bar fight. They don't believe either.. Oh well, they have been warned.

As soon as we get there, Thanh orders a round of Yeiger Bomb (I don't know if i spelt it right). I get a round of Vodka Redbull and a round of Blowjob. The barmaid who was pretty cute didn't know the drink, so I fake three liquors I think is in it. I get them wrong cos the Blowjob taste like fuck.

They get a round of Champagne and some other drinks. Then these two Malaysian guys start asking me to buy them drinks.

Malaysian: "You're from SG? We're fromMalaysia! Hey why don't you buy us drinks?"
Me: "We already treat water for you, you should be thankful and buy me drinks."

I'll give you a rundown of how much I actually drank,
Drinks: 2 Jager bombs, 4 vodka, 4 whiskey, 2 blowjobs, 2 galliano shots, 2 burbon, 2 champagne, 1 bacardi 151 and one other unknown shot.
Amount Spent: A$250

Yes, I'm crazy when it comes to drinking. It scares everyone. By the time I'm midway through, the guys give up trying to get me drunk cos they were pretty smash.

So what do I do in the club? I get myself picked up. Thats the only thing I'm good at in foreign countries. The barmaid starts flirting with me and then this Thai girl who was pretty hot with a damn good figure starts to buy me drinks. I thought she was one of Minori's friend so I get all chumy with her, and pretty much everyone else. Thats me with a good mix of alcohol, I turn into Captain Sociable.

This is absolutely shit, I came because of a Jap and I end up with a Thai. This girl keeps coming up to me all night, even when I hid myself in a corner cos I was exhausted from shuffling. She starts chatting and I start throwing my Thai pickup lines at her. So what do I do when someone this hot hits on me while my fast fleeting dream date is dancing just 5m away? I take advantage of it.

On a regular night and if I wasn't a stranger here, I would have gone home with her. The worst part of this was that I actually didn't remember her name and since I assume her to be with the group, I gathered that I was going to see her again anyway. This is destroyed early this morning when Thanh starts laughing at me for taking pictures with a stranger and how I got picked up an all.

Me: "SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND?!"

Anyway, Thanh gives me a pretty interesting insight on me and my soon to be damage liver. I'm not sure if it's true.

Thanh: "You know your liver is fucked if you don't get drunk easily, because liver processes alcohol. So if your liver is fucked, the alcohol just circulates in your blood waiting to be processed. That's how you get blood poisoning."

Me: "If I'm gonna die anyway, it might as well be alcohol."

Minori comes to tell me that we're leaving. Another 10mins more and I might have been fucking the Thai on the sofa. Damn Japs, they have bad timing. I dunno what is it with Thais and me, it's like I'm fated to end up with one.

The Australia Trip- Perth Part 3

Tuesday:

I'm beginning to behave like a native here. I find it extremely hard to wake up and I cannot stop thinking when my next beer bash is going to be. Its not funny when I eye Coke bottles with contempt and thinking out loud how nice if they had Vodka in it or when I ask Pizza joints if they sell absinthe. I'm turning out to be Aussie.. I love it.

The only thing here I think is juvenile is how they love to flaunt their car's muscle, or lack of it. Skylines here are as common as Civics back home and its amazing how they cease every chance to rev their engine. Going out of a parking lot, Rev. Going out of a fast food drive through, Rev. Going pass a corner, Rev. You get the picture. My favourite quote off them..

Australians: "Only milk and orange juices come in 1 and 2 litres."

This is in retrospect to the 4 and 5 litre monster of a ride they have been churning out. Bah, they appreciate it only cos the road tax here is like buying diapers back in Sg.

We fail to eat Fried Kway Teow again cos the place is close by the time we get there. Every other decent eating outlet near us is closed. Even the chicken joints are out of chicken, to which Jon makes a point to highlight the absurdity of it by laughing out very loudly. We end up ordering take away Pizza and by the time its ready, I'm already starving and I start hearing voices in my head to steal slices on the way home. I warn them the hazzards of leaving it with me, because when a man starves, he will do anything. For real. I'm weak when it comes to temptation.

We head to the Tavern after dinner. Jon tells me I have to drink Bundy coke cos its an Aussie fan favourite. The bar is filled with Caucasians tthat can make up a team of rugby players. Almost everyone there is a head taller and twice my size. I can be a team mascot there, the Midget Asian. And they can toss me up (single handedly) after every victory.

Me: "Can I have a bundy with coke?"
Bargirl: "Will that be pre mixed or off the tap?"

Stuns me for a moment and wonder as to why people would premix that. Lee comes in to salvage the awkwardness.

Me: "They have that shit on tap?!"
Lee: "Yea.. they hit a new all time low"

The Jim Beam girls there are huge! Not in the busty way but they are built to not take bullshit from any jock in the club. Im serious. If any one of our local Jim Beam girls was of that size, she'll be given bouncing duties. These girls are tall and not at all slim. One of them has huge biceps and the other is stout, they might have been actual Amazonian women, finding work in normal mortal society. I'd have wanted to say things like, "where's Xena the warrior princess" but these Lucy Lawless clones can be nasty. And a pub full of have drunk He-Man Asian haters is not a place to play smart ass. Even I am smart enough to figure that out.

As much as the guys enjoy me passing remarks, and predict that I'll start a pub brawl, none of them want to be there when it happens. I jokingly threaten them by saying that I'll randomly insult then shout. "Fuck you wankers! I study in Murdoch you cunt sucking muthafuckas! And I live right by the the road across it!". This does not ease their worry, and I only prove I'm a walking time-bomb.

We are the ONLY Asians in the bar, and the people there make sure we get the picture. Hospitality my ass. The only thing that made me feel at home was the Whiskey. I'd have felt better if one of em' had just announce our arrival, like "hey, here comes the yellow people. Let's see what the fortune cookies says.." or, "make way for the little people, they know kung fu."

White women start dancing on the pool table, horrible dancing. Brown old woman starts dancing provocatively next to me. Horrible, I start cheering the white women. If I'm not mistaken, this white skank shoots us "what are yellow people doing here.." looks. There was absolute disgust. This Pauline Hanson skank literally rolled her eyes after staring at us. I almost smiled and did my stupid wink at her. Thank god, how stupid would I have looked had I done it. Even I can have my ego bruised, not that she was hot or anywhere remotely close, but I don't like it when people don't smile at me. Whites don't seem to show any interest in me, they don't know whats good for them.

Be nice to Asians, we're gonna fuck you eventually. One way or another. We Chinese have nearly 1/3 the worlds population, do you Caucasians Really think you can ever avoid being fucked by one of us?

I'm not racist, I love Caucasians. In general they are nicer people than most Asians. This afternoon, Lee drove to Freemantle and I had my shirt off. This Chinese family pulls up and the daughter in the back seat was fascinated at me being shirtless, that she took a double take and then proceeded to tell her mum. Well, the mum didnt look too happy with me. Fuck her, I'm too cute to be frown at. I smiled at them and if her expression said anything, it was, "Oh dear lord, the nerve of Chinese these days, Confucious will not be happy." Her daughter was very happy though.

Caucasians are way better. This old lady smiled and waved at me when she saw that I was video taping. Asians need to take a lesson in socialbility. Walk into any store here and they greet you and make small banter. In Sg, the bloody sales people stare at you with a finger on the dial ready to call the cops. Im kidding, but Singaporean salesgirls/guys look like they have a stick up their ass. The friendly ones are the gays who geniuinely seem to enjoy entertaining you. Or it could just be me.

Wednesday:

Lee leaves me at home to go for a date with Sherene. Jon ends up having to play host and we head to Murdoch for lunch and people watch. I have my picture taken with this cute Jap chick who was having some English lessons at the cafe. With zero respect to the ugly Chinese student helping her with her work, I approach and say very politely, "can I take picture with you."

She looks at me in shock, looking very cute still. I make an attempt to clarify.

Me: [pointing to me then to her] "You, me picture"
She: "huh?"
Me: "ishioni shinsin o toteimo kudasai..."
She: [giggles] "What?"

Damn, obviously my Jap is wrong, I'm pretty sure thats 'can I take a picture with you please?'.

Ugly Chinese friend steps in to do the ONE productive deed in her life till now. She translate, what else is she good for.

UglyChinese: "He wants to take picture with you."
She: "Ohh, what for?"
Me: "Souvenir.. I'm leaving today."
She: "Souvenir?"
UglyChinese: "Like present"

Jon helps me with the photo which turns out to be a disaster. I didn't check till much later.

Me: "what is your name?"
She: "Megumi"

I shake her hand, intoduce myself then try to be cheeky.

Me: "Can I kiss you?"

She looks at me wide eyed in shock, then blush and I tell her I'm kidding. Jon and Lee are bad at wingmaning for me. The problem is that they don't appreciate these stuff, cos he thinks its pointless since they don't speak English well. I wish LB was here, we'd have had gone crazy on campus.

Guys, its just for the fun of it. The experience of knowing someone else. For crying out loud, I'm leaving anyway, there's no way I'm gonna see them again, might as well indulge in doing something fun. You don't have to marry everyone you talk to. I can be a snob sometimes but here I wanna do everything to everyone. I'm allow to be a snob because I'm me. If you've been hit on as much as I have, then you are allowed to be picky. That's why I keep telling Lee that he can't always pass judgement and say no, unless you have something to fall back on. I may not be drop dead gorgeous but at the end of the day, there's always girls who still fall for guys like me.
Know your strengths, and play to it.

We have dinner at Buddah Bar and it geta shot of absinthe there. For A$10 its the cheapest drink to get drunk on. 70% of alcohol is enough even without the woodworms to make me a happy man.

Lee takes me to Nikki's place to chill with some of his friends and down a couple of beers before we head out. I'm always in for drinks anyway and the guys were pretty cool to hang out with. Most of the time I'm actually entertaining them with my stories on the night I was caught for drink driving. Cracks everyone up always. One of the girls looked like she was almost sad I was leaving and was worried I might leave while she was showering.. yea, too bad she ain't hot. She really needs to trim her facial hair and she'll be all good to start dating. She has really stray eyebrows and a light moustache. Someone needs to run a lawnmower over her face. Excessive facial hair is not good for my prick.

We go down to Connections Club, largely because of the Lesbian Mud Wrestling. Fucked up decision. The place is Village People meets confuse ladies who think they are men. Fucked up. Its a fucking gay/lesbian bar. Hence, the lesbian mud wrestling, I should have seen that coming. So what do I do when the crowd is fucked? I drink..

Gin tonic, 2x whiskey, tequila, vodka and 2 beers later..

The place is still shit. And the wrestlers are butches, not what you'll always imagine lesbian mud wrestlers to be like in the movies. These ladies/men wannabes look like they REALLY do wrestle for a living. Shit.

And then there are the ugliest cross-dressers in the fucking WORLD. They'll be rejected even for the circus. A fucking 300 pound man with a crew cut and beard in a floral dress with a huge beer gut, just when I thought I'd seen it all. Perth truely amaze me sometimes.

Drinking is actually not a good idea, considering that I have to be up at 6am to get to the airport for my flight to Adelaide..

The Australia Trip- Perth Part 2

Sunday

In Singapore, a weekend means throngs of family casually strolling down the streets doing some shopping. In Australia, weekends are for people to set up tents in the middle of huge fields to celebrate being lazy. I'm writing as how I see things are.

The guys take me down town to do some shopping. Melv drives today, so its the FIRST time I'll be sitting in an air-conditioned car. The only thing exciting that happens in Boringville is an accident that pans out right before my eyes. Its a gift of God to spice out my holiday. I love God.

This dumb white female filters lane without checking her blind spot and rams right into the car on the next lane. Australians have no aptitude in defensive driving I swear, and they say Asians are lousy drivers. They travel at 40km/h, keep a very safe distance, but they cannot anticipate the front car stopping despite the flashing third brake light. Instead, the stop right behind the car and horn. In Singapore, we would have ample time to filter, drive off and light a fag.

Anyway, the accident story. So this guy that gets ram into, stops by the road, turns to look back at the lady, swears (and I quote), "bloody hell!" With all the angst you'll expect him to run out and start kicking trash cans. The women pulls over, steps out of the car, and what does Captain Frustrated do? Take a baseball bat and take a blind swat? Get out and start real man swearing instead of blasphemy? No.. he drives off.

What the FUCK! In Singapore, this will never happen. No one is ever gonna be backing down and we always believe we're in the right. Every accident is going to be filled with vulgarities, and if you're lucky, they might break out into a fight. Yippie.

The guys tell me to stay off the beaches cos its laden with fatties and knowing me, they gather I'll be beaten to death for the stupid remarks I say.

At night, Melv, Lee and me head to Burswood Casino. What's visiting Perth if we're not going to gamble. People dress really well there, and there are alot of decent looking Asian tourist. I love it, I think its a great hunting ground. The guys don't really share my sentiments.

As soon as we get there, I head for the bar. Typically me. I get one beer since its decently cheap at A$3.50. Thats the amount I pay for coke anyway, so I might as well re-tox my begging liver. Suddenly, I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see these two Aboriginal males offering me a drink.

Man: "Here you go mate, this one's for you. Take a whiff."
Me: "You don't want it?"
Man2: "Naah we already had one and he can't take another shot of that. Its poison I tell yea."
Me: "so you want me to have it?"
Man: "Yea go ahead, its for yea."
Man2: "Its rocket fuel. Really nasty stuff, but yea gotta take it all down."

I skull the shot full of greenish liquid. Really potent stuff. Its way stronger than a Bacardi 151 or any shot I've done. No its not Absinthe, casino's don't serve banned drinks anyway. Whatever the shit is, I love it.

Lee changes A$100 and tries his hand at Blackjack under the guidence of Melv. I start walking around to see if there's any hotties worthy of my attention. I smile at these couple of Asian chicks who smile back. Most of the ladies who look back at me are Asians, and are usually older than me. These three Hong Kong girls who points to the table they were playing and I respond by hand signalling my lack of cash. Why? Because they were smiling at me all night but neither of them was worthy enough to divert blood to my dick. Two of them were fat and had small tits and that in my world is a cardinal sin. The better looking one was haggard and she showed less enthusiam in getting to know me. Good for her, I'll have been merciless.

I return to the table the guys were playing at and start my assault on the banker. I start placing A$10 bets. There's this slot which allows you to buy 'perfect pairs'. Basically if its a pair you win 5x ya bet. If the pair has a similar colour suit (eg. Spade and clubs, Hearts and Diamond) you'll win 12x the bet. If it is a perfect pair (diamond and diamond) you'll get a whooping 30x!!

I win my first 2 bets and on the 3rd bet, I get a pair of Jacks. I didn't bet on 'Perfect pairs' so no extra. My 4th hand, I get another pair of Jacks. The people around me start to make gushing noises and Melv shouts from across the table.

Melv: "why didn't you bet?!?!"
Dealer: "Ouch, what are the chances yea?"

By the time the dealer switches, I win $40, and have a $10 bet on the table. I tell myself to stop at $50. I lose that round however and is stuck with $40. Lee on the other hand is down to $30 from the $100 he starts with.

I switch places and start betting $20 stakes. I start to get in the zone, nailing Blackjacks and the banker starts to bust. In a straight 11 games winning streak, I take my winnings up to A$150, and help Lee recover all his losses and make some profit. People start cashing in on my luck and they bet on me. This really hot MILF starts to pile up her stakes on me. After helping her win heaps of cash, I start smiling to her. In between every round, we end up exchanging winks and smiles. For a moment, I would have ditched the game and have her take me up to her room. Yet, I didn't.

edit: I play like a man running on the sole courtesy of luck. Hitting myself even when I had 16s just so that the people around me would scream at my apparent foolishness. I love fucking them up, since I get to make the call even when they collectively bet larger than I did. Lee did an even better job.

Dealer: "4 or 14"
Lee: "stay."
Me: "Lee, nobody ever stays at 4 points. It's Blackjack for fucks sake!"

Everyone that bet has a bet on him hysterically cries out for him to take a card. Even the dealer was stunned when he motioned to stay. Was fucking hilarious cos Lee didn't know what was going on most of the time. He has an Ace and a 3. He hits, and gets a 2.

Lee: "Stay"
Everyone: "Noooooo!! Take a card! Take a card!!"

He finally gets an 18 or something. Everyone else thought he was deliberately trying to lose their money. Well I did, cos I wanted to stop and I didn't like the leeches cashing in on my luck without properly crediting me. I'd have only allowed the MILF cos she was way hot.

I get another Jack pair and top it up finally with a Perfect Jack pair. 4 jack doubles in on night, what are the chances of that? I joke and tell them to call me Jack for the night. Had I bet, I'll be up in the high hundreds. Small I know, considering how my old man and my uncles bet in tens of thousands. I kept wondering where high rollers played cos the table limits in the main hall were curbed at $500.

I leave immediately to cash out my winnings to prevent me from betting further, and she left the table shortly after when her companion came. I tell you, casinos rock for getting to know people. Lee and Melv arent as crazy as I am at the idea and they probably won't be back again, so I'd have to make seperate arrangements when I return to Perth next Monday.

Jon meets us for supper at Oriels, the same coffee joint Lee brought me too on the first night. More car accident drama unfolds. This Asian manager comes to the table next to us and tells them that their car just hit into his car, when all along the guys didn't leave the table.

The gist of the commotion was that the two cars were parked very close to one another and the Asian starts accusing the other of hitting into him. Alot of third party accounts, none of which I bothered about because the girl being accused looks ALOT like Olive from Popeye. She has a round face and is chinless and her voice squeaks exactly like Olive calling for help. Her friend is hilarious.

Friend: "This is fucking bullshit. I can't believe the cops actually came for this bullshit. My house got broken into and they took 6 hours to get there, and now there's a scratch on the car and they get here in 10 mins?"

We constantly supported Olive because the fucking Asian manager was damn rude to us. The fucker looks like a fucking bulldog, fat nose, think perpetually pouting lips and he looks like a mash of mince meat. He was that ugly and rude and he sure as hell hated us. The waiter comes to serve us and I make things awkward.

Me: "Is the food poisoned?"

The waiter laughs it off, thankfully. I'm usually never this rude.

On the way home, I stick my tongue out at this white chick next to us at the traffic light. Largely cos she was looking at me while I was making tired face. And since she was smiling I gather that she finds it funny. Lee is pretty much afraid I get us into some serious Viet style beat down if I continued to mess with random people on the road. Relax.. I still wanna live to.

Monday:

Murdoch Uni has some pretty good looking Asians, but not enough to make me wanna be here any longer than a week. There is just too little life here. Even my friends can't keep up with my insatiable appetite for drinking and partying.

Its labour day so EVERYWHERE is close. Its not funny, especially when you want to get dinner and the only outlets open are fast food joints. We go to Subway where there is this girl working there with a plastic face that looks so much like Paris. I swear i've never seen such a dead ringer before so I have to comment to the guys.

Me: "Fuckin' hell its Paris! At Subway!"

Then I went on..

Me: "Where's Nicole? Shit, where's the camera? Are we on Simple Life?"

She's probably heard that one before so she pretty much ignores me.

The Australian Trip- Perth part 1

I've decide to do updates as and when I can, so its going to be a very long and tedious read. I'll just selectively pick out certain highlights. Its Perth sweethearts, you are never going to be always in the thick of action. I will actually post pictures when I get back.

Going pass the boarding room checkpoint, the one with the metal detactor, I get into some problem. I had to empty out everything in my pocket. As I reach empty my left jeans pocket, I realise I have forgotten to remove 2 pcs of condom. Sealed ones of cos. To save myself and the lady officer the embarassment, I decide to leave it in. Its not going to make a difference afterall, or so I thought. As she goes to scan me again, the thing beeps as it motions past my left pocket.

She: "do you have anything in the pocket?
Me: "nope"

She scans it again. BEEPED. Unbelievable.

She: "Is there something in there?"
Me: "Ermm.."

I remove it to show her. She looks at me then immediately tells me to pass. This is weird, since when are condoms laced with metal? Is it the wrapping? Fuck it.

Qantas actually have a pretty good flight. There is a personal screen for every seat, so the on-board entertainment is pretty decent. I decide to cash in on the free liqour. I start with a bottle (187ml) of red wine to accompany my dinner meal.

9.50pm: The steward clears my palate and ask if I want another red. I love Qantas already for encouraging me on. They will soon regret asking me this.

10.17pm: I enjoy my second red 187ml of pure sin. Jesus turned water to wine and rightfully so. Its obviously way better.

10.30pm: I finish my wine and ask for a glass of Whiskey Dry, while I continue to enjoy Magadascar on the small screen.

10.45pm: I order a second glass of wiskey. I know I have to take it slow because altitude fucks up alcohol absorbtion rate. You get drunk alot faster up there, yet I attempt to debunk this. I'm going got at least 3 whiskeys.

11.13pm: I finish the second glass and the characters on screen seem to be moving around alot. I blame it on the bad quality of the screen.

11.22pm: I asks for a 3rd glass

Me: "Can I have one more glass"
Steward: "Sir, perhaps I can get you some water instead?"

I'm being stop from drinking again. I know this is their policy to prevent people from getting drunk so I don't argue with him and decide to give it rest before I ask another stewardess for the drink.

This Caucasian girl next to me is amused at my drinking.

Girl: "You drink alot don'cha?"
Me: "How else can I take over the plane?"

She didn't think it was funny. Fuck her. I half expected her to change seats after that. I have no idea why I said that. I guess I'm actually drunk and maybe drinking again isn't such a good idea.

Held up at immigration.

1. The Aussies are pretty slow at processing my data. I thought the damn SG cops were bad.
2. They 'detained' me for something in my passport, I thought they might hang me.
3. Not good to be drinking alot, I said pretty stupid stuff.

Me: "Am I going to be deported back?"
Officer: "Why? Did yew come here illegally?"
Me: "I took economy, is that legal?"

I end up giving them my IC for them to photo match my passport, and they started asking me questions on my particulars like address and birth date. You know, very much like the way bouncers check suspicious ICs. I had to give them Lee's particuplars for them to cross check and verify I wasn't lying.

Lee brings this chick, Sherene, along to meet me at the airport. We head straight for the clubs. We go to this place, Ambar. Alot of Caucasians and the drinks sucked. I take one shot of tequila and another glass of gin and we left the place. Lee consistently warns me of possible Abo attacks.

I meet Lee's housemate, John, who is also a friend of Nig's. Pretty cool chap and says a classic line to me.

John: "If it ain't blonde, it ain't worth banging."

It polarises me though. If its blonde, it best be an Ah Lian.

Day 2..

We spent a large part of the day lazing around. At 38 degrees, you don't want to be anywhere far from a tap, unless you're planning to die of dehydration. All we need to do is to set up some stools and we can have ourselves a BBQ by the road. I mentioned that Lee didn't have air conditioning and it is not funny towaking up drenched. The only thing that could have topped this was that the car not having aircon too. Needless to say, driving in mid-day with a car baked under the sun for hours is out of question, unless you are looking to suffer 3rd burns.

Drinks from shops are insane. I bought a bottle of lime coke and it cost me A$3.50. I realise it only after getting the change back.

Lee: "It's A$2.50 for that?"
Me: [counting my change] "Fuckin' hell it's A$3.50! What the fuck!! Do I get a blowjob for that?!"

I meet Lee's other friend, RudeBoy. Very animated fellow who is a die hard fan of Liverpool. He has a Chow Chow which looked like it was fed a constant dose of steriods everyday. The fucking thing was huge and you use it to stand in for a bear. The poor fella had only one eye left though and they warn me against patting it, unless I wanted my hand ripped off.

Lee takes me to club Metro, premier club jont and all. You'll never know you're in Caucasian territory there. The place is filled with Asian BABES. The only reason why the people in there look better is cos everyone dresses up to party there and the girls come from all kinds Asian places. You get Koreans, Japs and Taiwanese all drinking together at the bar. Everyone is so prim and proper that cheeky tactics just don't work here.

The Australian Trip -prelude

In case you guys didn't know.. I'll be away from fri 3rd Mar till 14th Mar in Australia. I'll post how the trip goes whenever I can. Its a pure getaway so I'll be pretty much binge drinking all week.

first leg: Perth

- I'll be staying with Lee
- Its a heat wave over there and he tells me he has no fucking air-con in his place.

second leg: Adelaide

- the 'real' reason im going Aussieland.
- Staying with Minori so I'll pretty much be a good boy
- In any case, if I suddenly decide to give up blogging on this site, you'll know its a good thing.
- the bet currently is that I'll lose interest in her after the holiday, with me being a butterfly and all.

third leg: back to perth

-its a last day stop over to stay wif Eugg
-he too has no air con. WTF, all the money to party and tehy cant afford air con.

I know you all probably think I'm a dipshit, picking the WORSE fucking places in Australia to party. Yea, I know I'll probably have better luck hitting a kangaroo off a road then getting any decent action in the clubs but hey, its me! Even if I sat round all night licking ice, I'll still write a colour commentary on it.

The last I heard its all RnB over there.. I just hope they aren't still playing Montell Jordan songs.

People.. WISH ME LUCK!!!

Added : I'll be very grateful if anyone you can pop up suggestions on places to go and things to do. Be it shopping or clubbing. Anything is helpful. Just no sightseeing to animal farms and stuff thats all. Thanks