The Taiwan Picture Stories pt 1

To save me time and multiple entries, I'll post the pictures and use it to aid my narration. These are random pictures of people we met and got to know during the trip. And because I have nearly 400 pictures, I'm just taking pictures which I think are worth the mention. I'll start with what I think you guys are more interested in. See, I'm considerate.

This girl, Xi Mong (wash dream) is one of the best looking girls we met. IMO, I dun really care if you disagree with me. Go set up a blog and post pictures if you think I'm wrong. Remember, Butterfly loves girls with sharp features.

And this is her friend, she's pretty cute in person too. Her name is TuZi (Rabbit). I laughed, she didn't think it was that funny.

Pictures don't do her justice but she's very much better looking in person. She's a store assistant at Xi Men Ding. We spent 1 hour persuading her to come to SG, exchanged MSN then realised that we left her address back at the shop. Well done.

If only it's appropriate for me to show you some of her other pictures. This girl is VERY pretty with her hair down. She's a part-time model and works night shifts at Club 18. She's the icy waitress that refused to laugh, be photographed or say anything more than 'ok' when we first met her. It took me one night of teasing and flirting with her before she finally tells me she thinks I'm cute and that I should call her.

Yes, I am a slut. But everyone should melt before me anyway. LB told me that I should have concentrated my efforts on her instead of butterflying around all night with the other girls, because according to him, she was the only one that was very into me. Well, we can't change who we are.

This is the girl that kissed the entire group. If I had a girlfriend like her, I'll shoot myself then throw the gun at her. This is a brief story of the Worst GF in Taiwan,

I started talking to her on the first night because she wore this damn sexy tube top with suspenders. I dunno if that's what its called, but its like those firemen uniform shit but with a skirt. Hey, Im a drinker, not a fashion designer. Anyway, I start talking to her cos of her tattoo and pour endless glasses of drinks for her. After I move off to some other girls, remember, no one is worth my entire attention, RoundEyes moves in to finish the deal. He gets a kiss that night.

The next night, we meet her again at the same club.

Me: "Where's the Boyfriend?"

She points to the guy dancing like a wild ape next to her.

Me: "Boring.. this is not good."

She eventually starts talking to the rest of the group and as she's about to leave the club, she pecks Draco on the cheeks.

Me: "I'm not having a goodbye kiss like everyone else. You are kissing me on the lips."

She hesitates for a split second then moves in to kiss me. Pandemonia erupts amongst the guys and suddenly everyone wants a kiss too. 5 kisses later with the boyfriend standing 20m from us, I recount why I love being a tourist so much. Poor guy.

To be continued..

10 Things Why Butterfly Hates Taiwan

Yes, I'm back at my desk-top where time is of no consequence to me and I can pace through this entry at my prerogative. Taiwan has been great, especially the final days of it which I will post along with TONS of pictures. What you need to do is log on regularly and hit that refresh button. I've said that everything has a dichotomous ascription to it and Taiwan is no different. I will present to you why I think Taiwan sucks.

1. The language barrier. You have to know that Taiwanese speak almost ZERO English. I've met probably only a handful who can communicate in basic tailor-made primary school English. One of the best speaking ones picked it up from HBO. No shit.

Firstly, in case you havent noticed, I'm Chinese. However, my proficiency in my mother-tongue leaves much to be desired. Although, I've been commended on my rapid improvement over the week by the guys. Basically, I have a template in chatting girls up.

This works both ways for me. Firstly, Taiwanese girls love English speaking boys. You can figure out their culture from the way they act in clubs, I'll explain more later. The good thing is that speaking in English is a good way to pick chicks up. The downside, is that when I order food alone, I have no fucking idea what the people are telling me and I look like a moron staring suspiciously at them.

Plus, I can't read and the damn menu's are ALL in Mandarin so the only words I can read are "Beef", "Fish" and "Chicken".

2. The Food. Coming from Singapore, it's hard to appreciate food anywhere else. After awhile, the local cuisine here just tires you out. Despite all you see on Taiwanese variety shows, there's actually nothing much to eat in Taiwan. Everything taste like everything else. The lack of diverse cultures spills over into the limitations of variety. Everything is so... Taiwanese.

Sure, they have alot of exotic delicacies, but dog meat and snake's skin don't really wet my taste pallets. If you eat dog's meat, you will end up in Hell. After watching how they kill the turtles when making turtle soup, I've decide to abstain from it for a month. The damn soup is too good to keep off.

Basically, I miss prata and Mee Soto.. who says I'm racist.

3. KFC and MacDonalds there suck. There's NO chilli sauce and the fries have enough salt on it to kill your kidney. Seriously, it's impossible to eat KFC without chilli sauce.

4. I went to the local sauna there and I had my first experience of a mass porn screening. There's two "theatres" which are basically two large rooms lined with individual sofa chairs and one large screen. One room screens decent blockbuster movies while the other has a variety of Japanese and American porn.

The porn room is the foulest smelling place I've been to. The smell of dried sperm just perfumes the place. It's probably also one place where you can experience mass masturbation. I actually think it's encouraged. Hey, if you screen porn and you give your patrons huge blankets and dim lighting, you can't be hosting a marriage seminar right?

Someone needs to bring a UV light there. I'm telling you, sitting on the damn couch has a high chance of impreganting you.

5. Anal train commuters. Seriously, people there are too rule abiding for their own good. They actually keep right on escalators and queue in line for trains, ALL the time. Its a good thing, until people start getting pissed off when I refuse to follow that order. Fuck them, tourist are always right, especially Singaporean ones.

Yes, I've been victimized by their stares. Those damn bitches.

6. Cover charges for clubs. Club hopping there is seriously a dumb thing to do. By the time you hop to the second club, you'll realise you've spent enough money to open a bottle.

An average cover will be about NT$500-700 for popular clubs. The saving grace to their exorbitant pricing is the offset of bottle charges in clubs. Some clubs have free flows all night from a regular flat fee of about NT$450, but those clubs SUCK. The free flows are also pre-mixed and poured from a tuppleware container and have less alcohol in them than a slice of Tiramisu.

The most we've paid is NT$800 which includes 1 drink, and if my 3yrs of Economics classes have taught me anything, is that we have been conned, milked like a cow and left to be mocked. What idiots we are and what girls in bikinis can do to askew our judgement.

note: SGD$1=NT$20. Do the math yourself.

7. Everything is RnB! I know some of you love RnB, but there's a saturation point to everything in my world. Almost every club there plays RnB and everyone is dressed like 50 Cent and The PussyCat Dolls. The good thing to this is that Taiwanese can dance hop hop really well.

The thing about Taiwanese, and I'm quoting this from the locals there, is that Taiwanese don't like being themselves. They are polarised into being extremely Jap cultured, or are heavily into hip hop culture. The thing that irks me the most is that despite their absolute worship of hip hop and RnB, they have no idea what the songs are saying, yet they blare it over their shop speakers, chew gum and lip sync like they actually understand.

I've no objections on immersing in a foreign culture, but the people there do it really extremely. They slang like American's when all they can say are, "what" and "yea" and they play it like they are foreigners. RoundEyes thinks that they have an identity crisis and I'm beginning to feel so. Naturally, this is a generalization of the MTV youth generation, there are of cos those that still wear their pants 2 inches above their waist and squat at roadsides eating squid.

8. Shopping is poisonous there. Fuck me in the ass, I spent over $600. Everything is expensive especially the branded goods which cost about 20% more. Okay, it also doesn't help that the store assistants tend to be very cute. VERY cute. I have one weak spot, and that is good looking people telling me I look good in a particular outfit.

Okay, I have alot of weak spots, the others are discounts and implusiveness. Also, my constant reminder that when all else runs out, I still have my dependable high interest charging American Express gold that is dying to be swiped.

The FUCKED UP thing about Taiwan is the 5% surcharges on credit cards. They obviously have alot to learn about the merits of credit purchase and how much volume it moves.

9. Traffic is a killer, literally. I nearly died 18 times because I looked the wrong way while crossing the road. Damn right hand drives, everything is in reverse. I'll remind you..

LOOK LEFT, LOOK RIGHT, LOOK LEFT.

Anything else will result in a hit and run accident.

10. Taiwan has one of the ugliest selection of vice workers, EVER. On our second night, this cabbie took LB and I to the red light district on a drive round. All I have to tell you is that, the pimps there are liars and the girls there should only be used to cure erections and overt horniness.

Very ugly. Geyland has prettier sex workers picking their nose and scatching their armpits then the best Taiwan has to offer. I actually wanted to check out their local Ladyboys, but the utter abhorrance of their streetwalkers put me off so much that it took three hours of skirt chasing to get me back to my normal frame.

If sex tourism is your cup of tea. DO NOT go to Taiwan. I maybe wrong or I'm looking at the wrong places, but Taiwan is a place that I'll never want to engage in vice. The girls in the clubs are way too hot for me to have any desires to fuck anyone outside their standards.

You should agree with at least 8 out of 10 on what I say, if not, you are a Taiwanese. If you are heading there, print this out and you can tick away in agreement to what I've said.

Butterfly and Taiwanese Girls

I have to retract all defamatory ascriptions I've said in my Taiwan pt1 post on Taiwanese girls. Blame it on the jet-lag or non-existant leg room and dismal comfort value of Jetstar Asia, but I must have been blind or biased to say that Taiwanese girls aren't prettier than the girls back home. I apologise. Credit where credit is due, so here goes..

Spinnee, you are right. Taiwanese are prettier in general. The amount of pretty girls in Taiwan is insane. I cannot walk on the streets for 5 mins without turning my head to stare or sit in the train without the possibility of missing my stop or disregarding my destination to follow a girl out. This never happens back home. Maybe its the tourist effect but the girls here rock. Everything from the over elaborate grunge meets hip hop get up to the eyeliners to the stylish cut hair right out of a magazine. Taiwanese girls look so good I'm hoping to kidnap one back.

I'll post pictures when I get back.. I have tons of them, with different girls. I pissed a few off last night because I kept taking with other girls and they kept complaining about my frivolous nature. Thats me. Being overseas is not going to help matters. I have too many people I want to date and not enough time, hence the possibilty of extending my stay.

The thing about Taiwanese is that they generally have sharp features, which I like. Although I've been out couple of times with one that has a cute button nose. The other thing is that Taiwanese girls are wild and have no regards for the presence of their boyfriends. I got one of them to kiss me on the lips while her boyfriend was walking out and all the guys in my group wanted the same goodbye treatment. She gave out kisses like hotcakes on a Sunday morning. Anyone smart enough to kiss me can't possibly be a slut.

The other girl I liked was this icy waitress who's boyfriend was a bartender in the bar. Fuck him, I kept hitting on her all night till she finally told me she thinks I'm cute, then told me to call her on Sunday. I was abit tipsy but LB kept telling me she's very into me.

Me: "Are you sure? What about the boyfriend?"
She: "It's ok. Just call me on Sunday ok?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm a slut. You guys should all love me for the amount of girls I made kiss me. I'm an asshole, but I deserve it. Hey, I sat through a blowjob, I need to be rewarded.

Yah, and some fuck face gay tried to pick me up last night. His name was "So Good", I fucking kid you not. I spent 5 secs laughing into his face about the name, till he asked if I wanted to head off somewhere. Not Funny.

In total we probably picked up enough girls to form a soccer team. All that and 4 bottles of whiskey. Wicked. Seriously, speaking English is really good. Everyone loves a tourist.

note: I'll rewrite this entry when I get back.

Butterfly Sits Through A Blowjob

As enticing as the title may suggest, this happens to be the WORST toilet session of my life, EVER. My toilet time is sacred and no one should ever disrupt this zen. I'm not willing to share my time with anyone, except for that one time in OZ that I had drunk sex in a toilet cubicle made for Hobbits.

I had the runs the other night while clubbing at Room 18, so instead of sitting on toilet seat covers potentially stained with puke, I decided that I'd climb a few stairs out of the club to a more deserted men's room.

When I get there, I think I made the best decision since agreeing with the guys to open 3 bottles of whiskey that night. Posh decor, nice marble flooring that was clean, dry and reflective. It's a page out of Marriott Hotel. The perfect place for me to take a nice quiet dump.

3 mins into my shit, just as I start to unload, I hear people coming in. 2 men giggling wildly like school girls over neo prints, stumbling into the toilet. Then I hear the door to my immediate left cubicle close and the giggles die off alittle. I look down to the ground and see two figures in the same cubicle.

Fuck me in the ass! I'm having front row seats to a gay make out session. That's why the giggles died, the damn Boy Georges are too busy licking each other off to say anything. This is great, the incessant banging on the cubicle door was the perfect constipation pill I needed.

Then suddenly.

Guy: "The guy next door, sorry about this ok? Heeheheehehee" (In Mandarin)

I freeze in my seat, half pulling my pants up to my knees as my eyes fixate on the reflective floor, preparing to give my most demeaning gaze should they peep. I'd have prepared a mouth full of spit had I been more calm at the face of impending adversity on the outrage of my modesty and privacy.

Then it got worst. I hear belts unbuckling, pants hitting the floor, seat covers pulled down and MOANING...

I had about a good 500g of shit that had yet to hit the water and I already felt like running off without cleaning my ass. I had to.. I had to peep. Im such a voyeur it scares me sometimes. The damn reflective floor was dark but I made out the figures of one of them seated while the other knelt infront of him sucking dick like chocolate coated lollipops.

It takes me to the 4th moan to realise I need to get my butt out of there before the foreplay ends and full on banging comes into motion. I run off without washing my hands, then return to the table, related the story, then grab ice from the bucket to calm myself down. It also happens to be the bucket everyone takes ice from. Yippie me, hygiene is obviously not my friend when I'm in sixes.

10 Things why Butterfly loves Taiwan

There's plenty reasons why Taiwan is a great place, and you should like it. Everything is given a dichotomous value in my world since the polar extremes are usually the only things rant worthy. Being normal or filed in that grey area is boring and no one really gives a shit about you. I don't understand how interesting it can be to read about people's lives on what they ate, where they shopped.. unless of cos that person is me. Seriously... it cant be boring if its about me.

Before you decide to go book a ticket over here because I, your Mr Tourism Taiwan says this place is great, you might want to wait for my next post which is about the 10 Things why this place sucks. For now, its only the good things.

1. Food. I'm sure you've seen the Taiwanese variety programmes enough to know that Taiwan is all about eating. Yes, there's alot to eat here. You can find anything, from snakes to spiders to dogs to rabbits to God knows what. You can eat the entire Chinese Zodiac here. For real.

The variety of exotic food here is good, and so are the push cart vendors. The only draw back is that they lack decent sitting spaces and the food's not exactly Bangkok cheap. Everything should be Bangkok cheap if they know whats good for them.

2. Shopping. I am as of typing this, close to officially broke and might need to peddle some of my organs to the black market for spare cash. They might not take my liver so I'm hoping my toe-nails might fetch some medicinal value.

I've spent over SGD$500 on shopping in 3 days, and you think only girls go crazy. Remember when I said I have moderation issues, add shopping to that list. My lastest acquisition is a pair of Onitsuka Tiger sneakers, which I think is the best thing I've held since the pair of tits last night. (will get to that later). I will post pics of it later. I mean the shoes of cos.

The clothes and shoes variety here is insane. In case you don't know, Singapore is actually backwater season for shoes. Street fashion is good here but if you're the Prada shades, Hermes bags kinda fag, then you should never leave SG. High fashion here is insanely priced. Do no bother. The only reason why I bothered walking in is the salesgirls, which I think are hired from modelling agencies. Fuck, if only SG maintained such standards.

Edit: The GREAT thing about Taiwan is that the shops close late. 11pm on a weekday and well over midnights on weekends. When I got back to Singapore I bitched alot about them closing at 9.40pm and wondered how I managed to get through life here

3. Gossip mags. Anything that has cleavage baring images of celebrities deserves a mention.

4. Hotels. Ok this is alittle tricky to explain and I'm not sure if I got this right. The locals here call pubs, Ye Dian and Jiu Dian's (hotels) are nightclubs. It took awhile for us to actually get it, because every other local here kept telling us to go Jiu Dian to party and we had no fucking idea what's so great about hotel lounges.

Naturally if anyone tells me to do something more than once over a day and throws in key words like "naked girls", I'll heed advices. LB, RoundEyes and I headed over to one, after alot of persuasion from one of the Papa-san. I'll do a breakdown for the guys on the charges.

I spent NT$2300 in total. NT$2000 for 1 hour and this includes 1 bottle of Johnny Walker Supreme (its like Martell VSOP ) there is a NT$1000 fee for the waiters so we split that 3 ways. Basically this is wat you get.

a. A karaoke room with fruits and drinks
b. One bottle of any drink of your choice.
c. You get 1 girl of your choice who will accompany you through the night. This girl will be topless, unless you don't want her to be.

The girls selection ain't great, you can find prettier girls at night market stalls. I mean it in a good way. The damn salesgirls in the nightmarket are hot. Anyway, these girls are decent enough for me to want to see them naked. Some are horribly scary and shanky that I think hunger drove them into prostitution. They need the money for a makeover any way, so it's good if other people patronise them.

I pick this very tall girl. I think she is cute and she looks good standing 3m from me.

10mins later: I have no idea why I picked her. She is almost my height and she might possibly weigh more than me carrying a field pack after a buffet.

15mins later: RoundEye's girl is way cuter and slimmer than mine. I hate making haste decisions.

16mins later: The lap dance starts and I now confirm that I made a BAD choice in picking her. She nearly crushes my lap when she tries to sit on me and I tell her the only thing she should put over my lap is either her arm or calf. I also dissuade her from standing up in front of me between my thighs while lap dancing, since she looks clumsy, chances of her falling on me and crushing my prick is pretty high. Not funny at all.

20mins later: I look at RoundEyes enjoying his lap dance more than I ever will. I hate giving fat people chances. I'm going to hate fat people all the more now if you realise.

She: "I used to be alot slimmer.. it's the holidays.."

I eye her suspiciously. And all I said was, "you don't like exercising much right?".

The math works out for me since I actually got to finish the whole bottle. I drank quite a bit, since the other two are LB and RoundEyes, and you know how little LB takes his juice. He took quite abit last night, got drunk and threw a watermelon straight at me. It hit me square in the eye and I spent the next 5 mins clutching my left eye screaming in pain.

The guy eventually allowed us to stay as long as we wanted.

5. Night Markets. I love it when streets are still lined with food and shops even at 11.30pm. They sell Malamutes in the night markets can you believe it! In case I've yet to mention, I'm crazy about dogs. If you have a Husky or a Malamute, I will entertain you even if you are fat and ugly, so long as you bring them out for me to play with. I won't fuck you though.

6. The girls. Normally this would be the first on my list, but since no one has actively hit on me in the last 3 days, I'm relegating them to 6th spot. The girls here all seem to have a make-up starter kit built into them. Everyone of them looks as if they spent 1 year working over the counter for Estee Lauder cosmetics. Taiwanese girls are good at dolling up just as Japs are great at giving blowjobs. Japs give the best damn head I tell you, they are all born with a blowjob start up kit, but thats another story for another time.

Girls here also seem to have nicer features in general. Truth is, I'm very particular about facial features. I love girls with sharp nose, and I think a person's nose determines alot if the person looks good. Notice how models usually have sharp noses, that's because sharp features give dimension to pictures. I have a sharp nose, and if I have it, it has to be good. Except for unstraight teeth and a horrible conscience, I have those, and it's not good to have those or so I've heard.

7. Dessert. If you thought desserts are all about $1 ice kacangs and Cheng Teng, then you need to call up Webster and have them change the dictionary. They give mix fruit baskets a whole new meaning. Thumbs up, the only thing that can top this, is if they had naked waitresses.

8. The weather. I might have to take this back because its been raining these couple of days. It was very nice and cooling when we first got here. Apparently we came at the tail end of a typhoon, hence the breeze. Nothing beats the night in Australia.

9. Bikini Party nights at clubs. Seriously, there's nothing more that needs to be explained. Girls partying in biniki tops.. what's there to complain. Girls. Bikinis. Happy Butterfly. Nuff said.

EDIT:

10. Toilets. They have some of the most peroxide-free smeared seat covers and floors in all my travels. They are VERY clean and have very cute automated gadgets like automatic seat lifting and stream jetting your ass. Maybe it's just that they don't pee or shit much.

Taiwan pt 1

Jetstar is made for midgets. Cinema seats recline more than that damn airline carrier. If you have back problems, you have a better survival chance taking a BMX bicycle up. I have to clear one misconception. Taiwanese girls are NOT prettier than Singaporean girls, they are just ALOT better at makeup and dressing. Nuff said.

LB and I are actually having alot of problems finding places to club. This is the consequence of poor planning and alot of enthusiasm to party and fuck anything that moves. Ok, maybe it's just LB, but alot of local people we ask for suggestions seem to keep pointing us in one direction. Vice, the reccuring theme of my life and a path we've been trying to steer away from.

Words that keep popping up during conversations with the locals, regardless of sex. "hotel", "naked girls dancing", "VSOP", "blowjobs", "boobs".

My proficiency in Mandarin may be non-existent but I know vice in every language. Apparently, pubs with naked PRO (public relations officers, hostesses.. whatever you call them, they suck cock all the same.) sitting with you all night and a bottle of VSOP thrown in, is a growing entertainment industry here in recent years. These are my absolute favourite combinations for damnation. We've been hearing it for 2 days now, once again yesterday when this female waitress told us bout it again.

We blindly headed to this club with live music yesterday, which had a band Angel's Front playing. They are decent, except with their English rendition of ANY song. I start laughing at their poor diction. The only thing stopping us from throwing beer bottles is the very hot female lead and their hot friends sitting a table infront of us. One girl looks ALOT like Goo Hye Jin. If you guys have seen the Korean MTV by Kiss, Because I'm a Girl. Its that MTV where the guy donates the eye. Awww... yes that one. RoundEyes tells me she's looking at me. I do nothing.

LB eventually chats up the waitress and arranges for her to take us out. This has yet to materialize because we overslept. Nothing takes my sleep away.

Taiwan has alot of pretty boys. I've blended into normality, faded away from the limelight I enjoy. From what we've been told, pretty boys with long hair are NO longer the rave here. Girls these days like clean cut guys with short hair. Yawn.

I'll update in in due time. Excuse the dysjuctive writing, I have a 1hr time limit to write. i'll update proper when I get the chance. Damn internet cafes.. Life is all about vice here.

Pre-Taiwan

By the time you guys read this, I'll be on a plane sipping Ice Mountain and chewing a Sneaker bar watching porn on my portable DVD player. Such is the life of jet setting on budget airlines. Right, if I haven't already announced it enough, I'll be in Taiwan. Yes, I'll miss me to.

I can promise you one thing. I'll be misbehaving. I'll also most definitely be drunk on more than 4 nights, and I'll be sure to terrorize the local girls. Everyone deserves a piece of me, even if you live half way round the world, I will travel to fuck you up real good. If you guys don't already know, I have a mission to conquer Asia. Taiwanese and Koreans are the only two that have eluded me, so if you are Korean and if you have good taste in men, you should be patient. I'll get round to you real soon.

Nuff with the nonsense, a country awaits to be invaded by me. I might not have internet access so I'll write as much as I want for now. You guys need to behave and await my stories. In case I start talking about parental workshops or STDs, I want you to know that the cheap 'Travel Mate' condoms my mum packed for me has failed. Do not go cheap with protection.

Some of you informed me about the typhoon situation there, to you I give thanks. But hey, the damn bombing in Bali didn't stop me, do you really think rain and breeze is going to impede my cultural insemination? You need to know who's blog you are reading. NOTHING stops me from partying, neither do I have much conscience when I'm on holiday. Holiday's are a catharsis. I'm made to tease foreign girls, it's one of the only things I'm good for, other than being equally capable of fucking up sex.

My holiday is going to rule, I say so. Everything is good in my world anyway, even if I'm stuck in the hotel watching PPV movies, I'll find some way to make it interesting. Don't worry, its me, your narcissistic drunk pretty boy. Everything should be about me, even if I'm an idiot.

Few things I need to address.. bear with me cos this is personal.

GT4: When you get there, call me on my cell. I should have it on, and I will charge that bill to you.

Yumi: Babe, you got to get ready more passes and invites when I get back. Post-Holiday withdrawal symptoms are horrible. And there's someone who's asking about you.

Red: Supper when I get back sweets, and yes, it's on me cos I did win.

Ecstasy: Drinking will resume after the 30th. Unless my liver transplant date is pushed forward.

Huixx: I didn't get a chance to tell you that we're leaving but I'll miss you, and also the free drinks you get me. Largely the drinks.

Butterfly goes Genting

My name is Butterfly, I have no redeeming qualities and I'm an idiot..

If you've delved into my stories well enough, you should know by now that I have serious issues with alcohol. I am a drinker without moderation, that word is taboo.. when juice kisses my lips, there's no end to it. However, the absence of moderation in my life is not just limited to alcohol and great sex, I'm as of the pass couple days, an implusive gambler.

This is my story..

This Genting trip was conceived on the eleventh hour, against my initial concern that the time span from our return on Wednesday to our departure for Taiwan on Friday would pose some problems, given that,

1. I havent changed a single cent for the trip.
2. We haven't done research on where to party.
3. I've not packed shit.

P.S: This is a request. I need you guys to give me places to party in Taiwan, or places of interest that you'll think I'll enjoy. This is last min, but it beats me having to search the net. Drop me a mail, post a comment or tell it to me on MSN. I'll be thankful and if it does turn out fun, I'll promise to buy you a drink when I get back on the 30th.

Anyway, we head up to Genting, disregarding the possibility of fucking up the Taiwan trip. Life is all about last minute decisions. Anticipation is boring, we should all live for the moment. Think less, do more. Unless of cos this is regarding rubberless sex, then you should practise self control. It's not funny waking up one day with cauliflowerson your dick.

Bear with me with this hasty entry because I have no time to write this.

I head up with my motley crew of vice subscribers. Pappy, Poks, Round Eyes and LB. The agenda is simple, there's only one thing to do in Genting, that's the roller coaster rides. I travelled 6 hours by bus so that I can thrill myself with 2 storey high kiddy roller coaster rides that make taking escalator look really dangerous and scary. No..

Naturally, the only thing worth making such a trip up is the casino. If you read my post on my trip to Australia, you'll know that I'm quite an implusive gambler, and when I start losing money, I think everything is a good idea.

The First Day

In half an hour, I've won $500, which isn't alot but I didn't plan much on gambling. I did this with a $50 bet and doubled it for two rounds then decide $200 is too little to cash out, and that I should try to hit $1000. Everyone else is losing money.

There's this dealer, Suki, that we love. Largely because she's quite cute and has horrible luck. RoundEyes starts looking for dealers with unlucky names to bet with. If you understand Hokkien, Suki is roughly translated as 'lose all'.

We return to the casino later that night. BAD IDEA. The guys start winning bets against Suki again and this tempts me. I start placing $50 bets. Suki clears the table with a win. I bet again, and lose. I change more money and lose them faster than losing an erection. That Bitch! I think changing more money is a good idea, what a fucking idiot I am. After 5 rounds, I've lost ALL my day winnings and some additional cash. I decide maybe its better to hit on unsuspecting sugar mummies at the tables instead. At the rate I'm going, I'll to be broke and have to spend my holiday in the hotel room wanking off to Vision Four movies.

Day 2

Despite the slight setback, LB and I treat ourselves for a spa package. Read: SPA. No hanky panky, everything is clean and upmarket. You'll know a spa is decent when all the masseuse are ugly. There's this inverted co-relation to looks and skill of massage, I take one look at her and know that I'm in for the best Balinese massage in ALL of Genting. Normally, I won't let ugly people so much as touch me, let alone rub me when I'm lying in bed half naked. Thankfully, a hot towel over your eyes and alot of imagination does wonders.

We make a return to the casino. I decide to bet cautiously against Suki again. Reminding myself that I have to bet small so that I won't run the risk of burning out for the rest of the day. I start with $10.. I lose, then decide to bet $25. I lose again, Suki is slaughtering everyone on the table. Fuck the small bets, I start raising my bets to $50. In four hands, I've lost everything down to my last $100.

Pappy tells me to stop, which is only logical given my run of bad luck. What do I do? I decide $100 is too little for me to make the trip to the cashier to cash out and betting everything is a better idea. Pappy is very against this and starts telling me to be rational. That's not me. I like to live with consequences constantly fucking me in the ass over my actions. Two words, "Pays.Off"

In one hand, I make back all that I've lost. I should really stop now that I've recouped. This option lies before me and beckons me to leave in the black. Fuck that, I decide to play on. This turns out to be the best decision I've made since telling Ivory to fuck off from my life. In 8 games, I'm up $500. I am a genius. I shall henceforth be called, the King of Casino Wars. I do not speak to lesser men.

Pappy, Poks and me head to the disco there, along with a female friend of Poks. I open a bottle of wine. One bottle and a few glasses of beer later, alcohol is my best deterent against gambling. Its better to be drunk, I order another bottle and tell Pappy to stop me it I start throwing cash away on juice again.

Poks friend is the kind of girl who has a repressed life. You can tell from her enthusiam to club even at horrible disco and her tolerance to alcohol being solely vodka. At one point she tells me that she doesn't drink much and not to order too much.

Me: "You don't know me. Alcohol is my best friend."

I can't remember some of the other stuff I said to her, but one was asking her is she was a Christian and then telling her,

Me: "I have no morals, I have to warn you that. You must never impose morals on me."

In my intemperate indulgence in alcohol, I blow all my money on juice. In my alcohol induced state of retardism, I think I make a great investment move in dumping all my winnings on wine and hard liquor. Everything is perfect, I start going over to the DJ console and tell the DJ, in verbatim

Me: "Are you going to play RnB trash all night? I really need some Tiesto."

The DJ immediately takes my request and with enough juice in me to fuck doorknobs, I decide that hitting on the tomboyish DJ is perhaps the best way to cap my night, other than flirting with Poks' friend. The DJ loves me and attempts to take my contact number. I celebrate my achievements, I might be the first guy that tried to flirt with her.

I head up to the casino half drunk to meet LB and RoundEyes. When I'm high and there's a cute girl infront of me, I leave nothing to chance. I start talking rubbish to Suki and in the ensuing conversation of me half slurring in Mandarin, I ask her for drinks with us after her shift.

She tells us to meet her at 5am. I take a quick glance at the time, 1 and a 1/2 hours more.. I might not last the night. We head off to the other casino at our hotel and I fall alseep at the jackpot machine, in the midst of checking out a babe at the table. Fuck, I'm definitely not going to last the night. I tell LB I'm heading back to the room but will be there at 5am later.

I wake up about 2 hours later and decide no chick is worth having me to forgo sleep over. The guys did meet up with her, and from what I hear, she's very cute and friendly. It's angled to a point where it seems that I missed out. Fuck it, I drooled in my sleep, had my contacts heavily dried up in my eyes and tripped over clothes on the floor while going to toilet in the dark. Nothing beats that. I say so.

Edit: We went to the theme park in the day. I left this out because I'm a pussy when it comes to thrill rides. For real, as much as I love telling you how much I rule and why everyone should love me, I'm a hamster. The thing is, I'm acrophobic.. neither do I like the feeling of having my balls in my throat. I can't breathe or scream when I fall, so anything more than 5 secs of falling has a high chance of killing me. If you laugh at me, I will have you killed. I'm a trained ninja.

Day 3

I wake up 11.30 the next morning, in the same clothes I was in hours ago. I turn to see the room empty, LB is missing. I call RoundEye's room.

Me: "Where's LB?"
RoundEyes: "I dunno.. I'm sleeping..."
Me: "Is there anyone in the room?"
RoundEyes: "I dunno.. I'm sleeping.."
Me: "What the FUCK do you mean you dunno. JUST TURN AND TAKE A FUCKING LOOK!!"
RoundEyes: "Yea.. someone is lying on my bed..."

I hang up and go for a quick shower. We have to check out at 12noon and LB is missing..

3mins later, I get a knock on my door. I open to see LB in his undies and shoes, holding his jeans standing outside my door. This is the classic LB demeanour.

Me: "Where the fuck did you go?!"
LB: "I dunno... I was sleeping.."

Butterfly goes to Thai Disco

Either my liver is having a voice and running a campaign to have me killed earlier than agreed or I'm seriously developing an adversion to juice. Fuck my life is ruined.

We dropped by at a Thai disco at Clarke Quay last night because GT4 had a Thai female guest in town. Things I love about this Thai disco is despite the fancy up market decor, the scent of vice and scantily clad dancers are still distinctively Thai. No where else can you find singers who butcher English and Mandarin pop hits and still manage to look good doing it. This is one place you CANNOT afford taking your eyes off them when they sing, unless you're into disc scratching.

I walk in to see pole dancers on the bar top and its all I need to know that this place deserves a beer at least. Live bands are synonymous with Thai discos, and these aren't your chair sitting, guitar strumming local bands you get at Wala's or Balaclava. Thai live bands are infused with cabaret acts and short skirts. Bless the Thai's for cheap dance cheoreography and lots of booty shaking.

I've been to Thai disco's at Golden Mile a couple of times in the past. I love it, but the only deterent to that joint is the urine laden scent that perpetuates the corridoors. I love Thais, but I can't take the scent of their place sometimes. If you've been to Golden Mile, I'm sure you are familiar with the scent. Its a cross between ammonia and souring food and alot of foulness. Cultural tolerance can be practised, its called sinus.

The table next to us has three female performers and I immediately tell Reznor to move to a side because he is in my line of sight. Two of them are decently hot, while one in my opinion is absolutely fucky. Maybe its her sultry blue eyeliner, maybe its the black dress, had it not been for the table in between us and my legs still cramping from soccer, I'd have like to fuck her in an instance. Please, I hope people reading this is smart enough to know when I'm kidding.

Anyway, the singers get up on stage to do their dance/song medley, which is a social cue for LB and me to move our drinks over to the front bar right infront of the stage. Every other guy in the club isn't good looking so I take it as a responsibilty to ensure the singers have eye candy to smile to. That is me, thoughtful. Everyone needs to smile and tell me how cute I am, I have an ego that needs fellating.

Vocal proficiency is one lacking area in these entertainment joints, but its usually all about the visual. Most of the singers can't really sing and you'd think you're at a K Box session with people who have diction deficiency. Some of it is so bad you'd think this was a speech therapy session for people with short tongues. Then there'll be the songs that you have no idea what language it's in, and all we'll talk about is.

"That ass is hot."

Two of the dancers double up as drinks peddlers and are selling a tray of shots. This following event is why people who are stupid and cannot take jokes should never hang out with me. Two of them start asking me to buy a shot from them because its the last shot left.

Me: "What's that?"
Girl: "Vodka and Orange."
Me: "How much is that?"
Girl: "$10"
Me: "$10!! DO I GET A FUCKING HANDJOB FOR THAT TOO???!!!"

The girl looks at me, VERY pissed at my comments. Worst Reaction.Ever. The other is smart enough to know that I'm kidding. Fuck that, if she's too dumb to know that I'm kidding, she's not worth my time and effort in explaining.

This is an insult to me. Who the fuck sells $10 screwdriver shots?! The damn shit's cost price is about $0.40 tops. There is no way in hell that I'm ever going to touch it.

Girl2: "Buy lah, I give you discount."
Me: "Why don't you buy it for me and I'll throw in a free coaster."
Girl2: "You buy la, I charge you $9.90. Buy one get one free."
Me: "Wow, that's like the best discount ever. If I didn't know better I'd have thought its the Great Singapore sale again. Why don't you buy it for me and I'll throw in a couple more coasters and serviettes."

Girl2 has the smallest tits ever to qualify as a female on her I/C. Cleavage is a word that will NEVER be applicable to her. Had it been any smaller, she'd have to be on estrogen medication before a dick pops up. Thankfully, she looked alittle like Sammi Cheng, and seem delighted that I said she didn't look local. Whatever, I lie alot when I have to dish out compliments.

We adjourn to MoS shortly after Liverpool sneaks in a FA Cup win.

Something in me is dying off, and it's not just the liver.

GT4 comes to tell me that the group of 4 girls standing next to him are talking about me and my shuffle, and eggs me to do something about it. I take a glance, then continue dancing. I should never attempt to pick people up, its disasterous. The four girls slowly make their way to where I'm standing and make eye contact with me. You know how you know when people are looking and talking about you? Well, this one is simple. They nudge and point.

The girls are not hot enough for me to break the ice and risk me looking very bad from the ensuing pickup, hence I decide to give them a chance to hit on me instead. It's not that I have an ego, but people who know me can atest to my pickups as social suicide. I believe in egalitarianism and women should have the right to pick people up without repercussions from society. Inactivity kills them in this instance. Too much looking and smiling and not enough effort to turn and say "hi", and if I'd known better, I'd think they were baiting me to pick them up. Sneaky bitches.

Amatuers.. For that to happen, you'd need alot of flirting, winking and licking of lips. Having a decent cup size or a hot ass are major plus points that will sway my feet two steps in your direction. If you hold up your glass and mouth, "I want to buy you a drink", I'll break into a sprint for you. That is a rare sight, since nothing is usually worth me breaking a sweat and risk having stitches and cramps for. For juice I will.

Entertain me in this digression for a moment. GT4 asked me about how I usually reject a girl from a commital relationship after hooking up. Strangely I've never really had this issue. I guess I'm always forthcoming about my reluctance for commitment and I don't need to lead people on with false hope of affections. Most girls know what they are getting into when they date me, for the few that falter on the hurdle and fall for me, I actually feel bad but I ease my conscience knowing that nothing I've said to them is a lie. I don't conform to expectations and neither should anyone expect anything from me, except that I'm a good tease and I'm interesting to have around.

Guys are generally assholes, I'm no deviation from that norm but I'll never toy with emotions and neither should anyone else. I'm an asshole because my threshold of morality wanes below decency. I'd flirt with anyone I like, generally I have reservations for attached personnels but of late I've slumped to a new low. I'm no home wrecker, but everyone should be given choices. If you like me, and I'm sure you will.. I will entertain that affection as long as I like you too. Hey, if your girlfriend decides to fuck me, it might be a good thing for you, since I have a high propensity to fuck up hook ups anyway.

Something else happened that night, which I'm in the process of seeking permission to write about. It's a first in my hook ups gone wrong and anything fucked up happening to me is entertainment for you.

Hate mail, Fan mail, Beer Survey

For those that wonder if I'm anything like my blog persona in person, well its a kaleidescope of both. Firstly, Butterfly is a caricature, I'm abit more dominating and obnoxious here than I am in person, HOWEVER, I'm pretty much still an asshole in person.

1. I'm vain. Ask anyone who knows me. Yet, I know the boundaries of my charm and attraction, until of cos I'm on juice, then I throw all caution to the wind and dare consequence to fuck me in the ass. Oh, believe me when I say it has.. one too many occassions for that matter.

2. I spout ALOT of stupid stuff when I start drinking. Without juice, I'm more reserved unless I'm in a group that can bring out the ass in me.

3. Yes, ALL the stories are true. I can be very mean if I have to. I have short attention span, lazy to commit to relationships and have a high propensity to fuck up on dates. That's me. I'm a teaser, but I do everything to entertain myself. Hey, everything should be about me anyway.

4. Seriously, anal people and goodie moralist straightjackets should stay clear of me. For the rest, I invite you into my world. Come drink with me, or if you need tips on how to ruin an outing or to make girls hate you, you should consult me. I have an impressive track record. If you haven't read, you should do it NOW. When I pass on, I'll be inducted into the halls of immortals and I'll be the evil twin of Cupid, wrecking dates up.

note: my knowledge of "Fucking dates up 101" can be found of MSN add me because you'll love me, thebutterflytales@hotmail.com

Back to current issues. Conservative people and me don't mix well. I met Red last night at a pub along Mohd Sultan where she was chilling with her frend. From what she tells me after the encounter, her friends don't like us much. Fuck them, not that I really care. I got a free shot of vodka from the bartender and that's all that matters.

We probe Red on the reason and gathered that straight jackets hate us. Well tons of her friends (guys) seem to hate me, but it only matters to me that she's smart enough to like me. Why would anyone hate me if they don't know me? Well, guys are jealous creatures. Anything prettier than them threatens them. Not everyone.. but a small percentage are like that. Fuck them, I hope they get leg cramps watching tv while a burglar comes in.

Hate mail:

I haven't gotten much but the first one I received was some prick criticising the way I wrote. I deleted the email because negativity and me don't gel well, and my ego for 'destructive' criticism is water off a duck's back. The contents had vulgarities littered through the passage that made reading onerous. Horrible words like "inconsistent", "lacking", "bad".. etc..

In a round up, I was being criticised for my inconsistency in writing, from colloquial ranting to engaging quips. Firstly, if you're smart enough, you'll realise that my context of stories require an amplitude of infomality. I can't be writing Queen's English for my stories now can I? I'll lose the hilarity of it. The reason why I refrain largely from writing in impressively complex or poetical sentence structures is because feedbacks inform me that this is a much easier read.

Yawn.

The other had just 4 words.

"You are an asshole."

Yes, that I am. I deleted that mail too. Some other girl's blog posted a link here.

" butterfly: some jerk's blog. maccann told me about this blog during QM class cos i was so horribly bored. this guy's an asshole no doubt but pretty fun to read i guess. "

Fan Mail:

This person sent me this. With nothing else written in the mail.

It reads (took me awhile to figure), "Juice is Good". I'm interpreting it that it's cos of my constant use of the word "juice" in reference to alcohol. At first glance, I read it as "Tuice u good", and for a moment, thought this to be an indecent proposal to fuck me. I love this, anything that strokes my ego is worth mentioning. People should start sending me this more.

Let's face it, everyone should love me. And you should love reading what I write. Prof Genitals is an idiot. I'd ban him off the tag board if I could. There is no freedom of speech. Everything is about me and how I rule, unless of cos you have C cup boobs, then you're entitled to say almost anything.

edit: The Beer Survey Story

In case you guys don't read the other blog, I have to highlight this beer survey I did with Blaque. Yumi got me this survey, knowing how much alcohol means to me. Getting paid to drink beer and bullshit about it is what life should be about.

First part: We had to sample 5 beers and write what we liked and disliked about it.

Second part: They gave us three beers, and we had to pick two of which we gathered to be the same. I'm REALLY bad with tasting, hell.. I can't even tell Sprite from 7-Up or Coke from Pepsi. Naturally the surveyor tried to hint me on a few occasions, thinking she's trying to sway my decision and trick me, I ignore her hints and choose the other glass. What an idiot.

Third part: They left us in a room with 8 other guys for some dicussion. Basically the surveyor would ask some questions, showed some commercial clips and then asked for our opinion. She encouraged us to speak up and disagree if there be any need to. Bad idea to tell me that.

Some of these guys are the DUMBEST people on this earth. They said stupid stuff about the commercials like "I don't like this, it's not realistic..", "it's too extreme.."

HELLO! Commercials are made to be a little absurd! The best commercials border on this hence the creative value of it. These guys are nerds, I don't blame them. 70 yr old spastic mutes can come up with more verbally constructive opinions than them. Naturally, I started disagreeing with everything they said. Neither of them disputed anything I said and more agreed rather than opposed me. At least they are smart enough to know that they can never verbally out debate me in English. Idiots and me = alot of fun.

One of them had horrible spoken English and he had one of those chubby cheeks and loved pressing his lips together after every sentence like he was chewing on the vowels. All I managed to comprehend from him were the first couple of words thats usually. "I thinks right.." or "I dounch thinks so..", because after he murders the English grammar, he goes into a pause. Its REALLY long like he's taking a sabbatical to focus his arguements and try to commit more grammatical errors in the following sentences. Everytime he spoke, I had a hard time trying to stop myself from laughing.

It was that funny, even Blaque started laughing about it after.

ps: This is the beer we did the survey on. Commercial here.

The Best Wedding Ever

Before you start reading this hoping for the usual stories laden with vulgarities and hilarity, I've to warn you that isn't like the others. This is my going to be an emotional read, for me at least. If you have no affinity for sentimental symposiums, you might want to skip this till the end where booze finally comes into the equation. Hey, everything should be about me anyway.

My sis is one of the dearest person to me, she's family and my best friend. We've a terribly notorious track history together, and if you should ever date me, its something my mum will ALWAYS recount. Yea, its like her proudest moment when she travelled back from work to beat the crap out of us because we were fighting, or that time she smeared chilli on our mouths for playing with her chilli plant. I just love my mum, wouldn't you?

Since I had to be up at 8am, I gave up my supposed plan to drink at O Bar on Friday night. I'm not exactly proud of myself for doing that, but my sis and her wedding day is too important for me to get drunk and ruin. Even I have a sense of responsibility, alot of it is due to my mum's incessant nagging.

In the morning, the sky told a different tale. Like a defiance to the prays for good weather, the air still lingered with the smell of the rain's aftermath, and looked threateningly like it was going to pour again. The air was chilled, almost perfect for a morning sleep in, which on any other given day is all I'll ask for. Then it started drizzling.. I stumbled out of bed into the bathroom for a shower, whilst the voices of the brides-maids rang in the other room.

I had to be at the church by 10am, because by tradition, I had to be there to open the car door for Nig, my soon to be brother-in-law. Which meant that I had to leave my place at 9.30 latest.

9.20am: One of the bridesmaid that's supposed to pick me up is still not here.

9.25am: No sign of her, and the others are getting worried.

9.27am: She calls to say that she'll be here in 15mins, they needed to stop to top up fuel.

9.30am: My sis gets stress on hearing that. No good for EVERYONE.

9.35am: Nig calls and I tell him the predicament. He is not pleased to hear that either. Both the bride and groom are stressed, NOT.GOOD.

9.45am: Suyin and Ying the other two bridesmaids decide to drive me there instead. Everyone is slightly relieved. I however, remain inured to the tension thats looming.

When I finally get there, the pure grandeur of the place, made everything wonderful again. The isle was beautifully laced with flowers, and everything just everything was going to turn out perfect, I knew it.

An hour later, the guests trickled in and took their seats on both sides of the altar. Amidst the receptioning and miggling with relatives, I continued rehearsing the lithurgy that I had to give. Yet this speech was nothing compared to the anticipation of watching my dad walk my sis down the isle.

Then the music cued, Bob Carisle's 'Butterfly Kisses' echoed through the halls. Out came the paige boy and the first of the bridemaids and groomsmen. Three other pairs followed before the maid of honour comes in. I stretched myself to look beyond her for my sis.

Then there she stood at the doorway, the morning sun cast behind her as the rays glimmered down. She looked beautifully, like an angel in the church finding her way to the altar. My dad stood there proudly with her, gently guiding her walk down. Suddenly, I felt something tugged me at the heart. I looked to my mum who was already tearing and immediately related to this emotion she felt. It wasn't sadness nor was it entirely happiness. It was seeing someone whom you've seen through the years mature and finally ready to move on. I'm going to cry buckets when my daughter gets married.

I can't believe my sis is finally married, it almost felt like yesterday that we were still playing dolls together, pouring powder on floor to make it a skating ring and getting our asses whooped for it, crying over dinner as kids cos we hated bitter gourd, kneeling down and falling asleep on her shoulder during punishment... it all flooded back in. My sweetest memories of my sis, the greatest gift God ever gave me growing up. And I thank him for it.

And now she's given to someone else. Nig is the best brother in law I could have hoped for, and I know he'll cherish her for all the days of his life to come. Well, it's the marriage vows ain't it?

"What God has joined, men must not seperate"

The Wedding Dinner.

Its been awhile, but for once the free liqour at weddings is not the main highlight of my night. My glass hasn't been tainted with the juice, yet. For now, I'm content with the sparkling water and lemon, until my drinking duties are called upon to ensure Nig survives the night.

A photo montage plays again of the couple and their years growing up. It was beautiful, staring into the screen to the familiar face of my sis, the one I remembered so affectionately growing up. Between you, me and the 200 that reads this blog, something stirred in me again, and my eyes filled as the photo montage played on. No, I didn't cry, but somehow or another I was very emotional about the whole thing, maybe it was the accompanying music, maybe it was the nostalgia of it, but something about it was so magically touching.

When dinner got off, I started running between tables to where Blaque and Huixx were, before my mum dragged me off to parade me to her friends. Its always the same things people tell me.

1. "Ohh so big boy already! The last time I saw you, you were still a little boy running around."
2. "Wah, funky hair ah! Dad allows you to keep such a hair?"
3. "Handsome boy! Look like your Dad."
4. "Your son ah? He looks like a Japanese."

And the ALL TIME favourite...

5. "So when is your turn to get married?"

For the entire day, I've had at least 40 people asking me this. These were some of template answers I gave.

1. "Not so soon, I want you to start saving up first."
2. "I already did, weren't you invited?!"
3. "Soon, the mail order bride should be arriving soon, its hard smuggling these refugees over."
4. "Do you have anyone to introduce to me?"

p.s: One lady actually wanted to introduce her daughters to me, my mum told her to send the resume for vetting.

The rounds were alot less demanding than I had anticipated. There were basically only two tables that required drinking and the only arsenal they had were wine and beer, which made this a farcical challenge for me. I took glasses full of wine like it was communion, and dared the guys to measure up.

By the time the dinner ended, the last mint savoured and the guest streamed off, it was evident from the ungodly gathering of their friends that this party was just facing a temporal and spacial adjournment. The night was still at its infancy, growing up is always fun.

The whole group poured over to Zouk, courtesy of Hideki, they got the private lounge overlooking the main floor. Then the devil's incarnations manifested, and I beemed with delight. 1 bottle Martell, 1 bottle Vodka, 1 bottle Black Label, 1 bottle Moet.. in between jugs of beers and trays of SOTB.

We toasted the couple in the best way our alcohol induced brains could, rowdy merry making. Zeekay came over for awhile, Huixx brought along a female friend.. and I lost count of how many people I met, drank with and forgot the name shortly after. Thats me, with enough juice in me to make friends with lamp-posts.

Strangely, that night was also the FIRST time I actually rejected drinks in a LONG LONG time. I'm beginning to develop a consideration for my health and liver, and also because the last thing I wanted was to flat out before the party ended. Plus, there were some good looking girls there, and I don't really want to be hitting on someone else's girlfriend, its happened before. Not that I really care, but for a day blessed by God, the last thing I need is to do something really stupid.

Butterfly and the last of school.

Funny how I always dreaded school and wanted nothing more than to get my degree and start joining the worker bee colony. My unfounded enthusiasm to be a proletarian slave to capitalism is slowly beginning to unwrap itself and I only now understand why working people envy us. Until I've reached the end road do I value the journey.

No, not that I miss studying, that day will never see the light. University has given me so much more to look forward to. The cheap canteen food, the people watching, sleeping in lectures and the list grows as I'm constantly flooded by chronic reminiscence. I miss it, the days of sitting aimlessly in the canteen, trying to look pretty, getting love notes from annoymous people, laughing at ugly people..

Its been a social tickle for me, a glass waiting room to pass out my time, to hone my interactional skills and hopefully, having a degree finds me a job..

Highlights of my school life.

1. I got lousy grades, but hey I managed to consistently get fuck grades. Says alot. I started with a CAP of 2.1 then pulled it to 2.9. That's slightly below a B- average. Whoopi. I did this while partying four times a week. Seriously it's possible, LB and me did it almost consistently.

2. Evelyn Sheu. The hightlight of my freshman year and one of the few eye candies I distracted myself with. She's one of the many reasons why I'm in the lower percentile of the bell curve. I think she's hot, but not many people share my sentiments, fuck them. Her long black hair, that Oriental slit eyes, sharp nose and bangs, all these are concoctions for making me buckle at the knees. She's with Mannequin Models.

3. In my sophomore year, I actually got to know most of my eye candies. The bad thing is that the mystery is lost after that. I hooked up with one, which was pretty pleasant. Somehow, people are always way more interesting when we know less. People tell me I'm nothing like what they imagined me to be. Since I seldom smile, they always figured I'd be the silent kind, someone that was.. cool. After knowing me, they realise they cannot be further from the truth. I'm crazy.

4. My first ONS actually turned out to be in the same lecture as me. One word, WEIRD. My inclination to fuck anyone is dictated by mood and swayed by cleavages and hot asses. There's nothing mechanical about the people I choose to fuck, nor is there usually a template of who I take home. Everything is organic and filed by chance. Naturally, chances are if you hit on me, you'll get lucky. Unless of cos you are fat or ugly, then you will be lauged at. This girl is decent, but not someone I'll go all out to bed.

We met the night before at Zouk, without knowing or having seen each other prior to this. The funny thing was that I almost immediately knew she was up for a fuck. Her body language, the way she constantly leaned on me, the way she twirled her hair around her manicured fingers. I'm lying, the only reason I caught her flirt was because she said,

She: "Can we chill at your place later?"

It caught me by surprise, and for a time I wondered why her conversations bordered so much on intimacy and why she kept leaning so close to me when there were tons of space. Yes, I was an idiot.

We left, went back and fucked for about 2 hours and left like how we begin, strangers. She was a seasoned player, solicitous to my needs and passionate in bed, but silent and distant as soon as we left the confines of the bedroom. I knew nothing, just tagged along and refrained from asking anything that wasn't initiated. I knew kissing and sex was part of the main course, I just wasn't sure if asking for a contact number was part of dessert.

5 Hours later, I bumped into her at the lecture. She was seated 2 rows from me and when we stood up during the lecture break, our eyes met. It was awkwardness at first sight. Can the dating Gods be anymore cruel? The shock in her eyes was priceless, having realised that she just shat on her own backyard. We didn't talk, she smiled and we got on with life.

5. One of my first NUS friend turned out to be gay. Awkward 5 mins of my life. I was asking him stuff about when he was planning on getting married and his ideal wife..

He: "Actually.. I think you should know.. I'm gay. I just thought you should know."
Me: [pat him on the back] "Hey no worries lah, I'm cool with it."

After that I turned to my other friend.

Me: "Ohh shit.. That was awkward!"

6. I coined my most infamous pick up line. This girl was in my lecture and on the last day of the semester, I bumped into her 4 times. Seeing this as a validation from Fate, I had to make a move. Apparently I'm bad at reading signs, this just means that the school is small. I told LB that if I saw her again, I'd go talk to her. Lo' and Behold.. As soon as I finished my sentence, she walked by, so I RAN up to her.

Me: "I really need to know your name."

I left the girl in paralytic shock. Quite predictably. Another reason why I should never try to hit on people. I suck.

7. My tutor, who gave me insanely high marks for my essay. 14/15, that's like A++. This was when the essay didn't include a single biblography or sociological referencing. If you've done term papers, you'll know the importance of referencing, no paper without biblography is going to score decent grades. Thankfully, a pretty face goes along way. How do I know that?

She was talking to her colleague after I walked passed her late one night in the library. I made a detour and followed her down the stairs and she said this,

She: "Didn't you see him?"
Guy: "Who?"
She: "My student that I waved to, I wanted to show you. I think he is really cute and he's got funky hair."
Guy: "Which one?"
She: "The one that just passed us."

At this point, she turns to point at the direction I went. You can imagine the look on her face when she saw me 3 steps behind. Immediately, she grabbed the guy and they started breaking out into a brisk walk. At some point the guy turns back to look at me. Yes, that would be me.

Awkwardness can make you do the silliest of things, like making obvious avoidance and having to detour. She made two turnabouts the next day when she saw me, I'm pretty sure it was deliberate. The school is only big enough for one of us. If she wasn't so dodgy about this, I'd have told her I thought she was cute too. Hey, sleeping with the tutor is one way to ace the paper, I always said I was a slut didn't I?

8. I miss the food, especially the Japanese and Yong Tau Fu stalls. Maybe also the Biz Ad western food, the guy has a funky accent. .. "next please".

9. Lastly, I'll miss my hair. Yes, I have to cut the locks, it's going to be heartbreaking, almost vexatious even. Alot of girls are going to be upset and alot will finally rejoice because they hate it. Fuck them.

Drunk Butterfly nearly dies

I need to learn moderation. This is a word that is almost absent in my dictionary of partying and social cues. I wake to a VERY bad hangover, and contemplate over peeing in my bed than having to walk to the toilet.

This is what happened the night before..

Over dinner with my parents at Cricket Club, my dad's friend who is the CEO of Hyflux buys me drinks at the bar. This is even before I've had my dinner. My mum tells me to moderate my drinking, reminding me that drinking on an empty stomach is bad for the health. I ignore the ministry of health's warning and proceed with the obliteration of my liver. I get a glass of Whiskey soda.

note: The whiskey soda that they serve at the bar is way different from that in a club. Its alot more potent.

In our proceeding conversation, I realise that his son is actually a teaching assistant in NUS. This drags the conversation on even longer, and he goes on to buy me another 3 glasses. By the time I'm done with my 3rd glass, everyone else is on their 1st glass. My dad is in awe of me, CEO loves me and my mum is pissed at me for drinking again. The world is beautiful. I take my 4th glass and head for dinner.

After dinner, I head to Zouk to meet Huixx because she has two people she wants me to meet. One is an Argentinian Oil Tycoon and another is a 20yr old guy who is the son of his business partner. Huixx warns me that this boy is tall and good looking but alittle spoilt. This worries me.


Me: "shit.. I don't like it when I'm not the prettiest."
Huixx: "hahahaha..... he can't dethrone you la. but i warn you, he's a diamond in the rough"
Me: "as long as he plays for the same team as me.. alls good."

This is going to be a magical night and I don't need a crystal ball and some ugly gypsy telling me this. I know all this when I have two magical words whispered in my ear. "Free Drinks". This begins the genesis of my physical and social degradation.

Argentinian Tycoon looks alot like a cross between Andy Gracia and Al Pacino, somewhere in the line Frodo Baggins comes in. This guy is short, but he's funny. I'll call him Diego. The young guy, Jarr is almost as how Huixx describes. He reminds me of Jason Scott Lee in his rendition of Bruce Lee. We kick it off pretty well. Hey it's me, everybody should love me. I cannot understand why girl's bf's hate me.

We head to Velvet and Diego pays for all our cover, then opens a bottle of champagne. I take a sip, this is good stuff, I drink more. Huixx turns to Diego.

Huixx: "This guy can really drink, you got to watch his glass.."

I start talking to BB about my trip to Adelaide and how all of them there were great people to hang with. Brief history, BB is the catalyst that chanced the meeting between Minori and me, she's her good friend and studied in Adelaide. When I was in Adelaide, after everyone referred to me as "the one without the liver", they told me stories of BB and what an alcoholic she was. Naturally, alot of them would later come to ask. "So who's better? BB or you?".

Diego comes over to tell me stuff about Huixx,

Diego: "I'm crazy about this girl.."
Me: "You and 1000 other men. From what I hear, you're at the top for now.."
Diego: "What do I have to do to stay at the top?"
Me: "You could pay me to kill the others. I'm a trained ninja."

Diego on knowing that Huixx is attending my sis wedding in a room filled with waterpolo hunks.

Diego: "For every name of a guy you give me its $100, if there's a picture its $200. Addresses, I'll give you $1000. We'll have them killed."

We shift to Phuture cos Velvet really sucks. Its an environment made for pensioners to play chess and OD on acid jazz. The moment we get there, I start meeting ALOT of school mates. People whom I've never spoken to in school and suddenly we are best friends. One of them is this very cute Malay girl whom I didn't recognise under the light.

She: "Don't need study already ah?"

I stare blankly at her for a moment. Then smiled, and decided that I should really get to know her name. Diego buys alot more drinks, to a point that I've lost track of how much juice there is running through my veins. Half the NUS student population is there. After awhile, the drinks begin kicking in, which is a bad thing when people start tapping me and my immediate reaction is, "Hey!!" then start waving bye. If my MNO female classmate is reading this, its the drinks sweetheart. I wanted to talk to you.

Diego buys a tray of apple shooters and a tray of Evian Water. This is a virginal clubbing experience for me. People toasting Evian bottles, this is bad imaging for me. I can't be seen holding a mineral bottle at a club. This is absolutely discordant to my alcoholic postulation that drunk is better. Then Diego pulls another stunt. Tipping the waiter $200. I'm not bullshiting. This guy practically tosses money away.

Huixx starts pulling random girls to ask who they find cuter, Jarr or me. I offer the girl that picks me a drink,

Me: "Here, drink this, I spent alot of effort spiking the drink."

She looks at me wide eyed. I see stupidity written across that face. Its Like Helloooo! Fuck her, she's not that goodlooking enough for me to explain that it was meant to be a joke. Which part of that line isn't obvious enough? Do people who spike drinks blatantly reveal their intentions? Stupid people should really stay home, and not drink since drinking makes one dumber.

Zeekay comes to find me and I drag him on a social rampage. At this point, I've gone beyond my threshold to make rational decisions and I start thinking EVERYTHING is a good idea. Even drinking again. I eye everyone lustfully and smile at anything that looks remotely decent and slim enough to qualify as 1 person.

I start chasing skirts, dragging Zeekay with me telling him. "I'm going to hit on fat girls, this is going to be fun."

I've never smiled to so many random strangers in my life. Alcohol makes me friendly, and I think I made the best decision of the night by getting pissed drunk. Choosing alcohol has made me a better man, choose life, choose Alcohol.

I pay $30 for two drinks and forget to take the change. I'm not too happy with this.

I start sprouting rubbish outside the club, get into a disagreement with Zeekay about two girls. I claimed that we were talking to them in the club, Zeekay thinks the juice is getting to me. I start walking.

Zeekay: "Where the fuck are you going? The taxi queue is here!"
Me: "We're going to catch a cab.."

And I start walking.. This is Zeekay's account of it. It differs ALOT from how I remember things to be. I recall Zeekay walking, and me shouting to him.

Me: "Where the fuck are we going??!!!"

In the taxi, Zeekay laments about his girl breaking up with him. In the instance of him pouring his heart out, I tell him.

Me: "Shut the fuck up.... and pass me the plastic bag."

I start belching.

URRRRRRBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPP...

I vomit enough to fill a shot glass. The Taxi driver continuously eyes me with contempt. Zeekay gets off and throws $2 at me. I fall asleep and wake up just as the cab pulls to my place.. Huh.. did I even say where I was going? Psychic cab drivers, just the thing drunks like me need.

I get home and start falling over the toilet bowl.

URRRRRRBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPP...

I spend a good 15mins giving the toilet seat the best blowjob I can. Literally, I kissed alot of ass. The amount of ass on that seat.. everything can be tasted off my lips. I hate to imagine the next girl kissing me. Then as I lie there motionless, my mum comes to rescue me. As she tells me, apparently I puked on myself. This is classic me.

I wake up today to the WORST fucking hangover. The fucking head was throbbing unbelievably like someone had kicked me over and left my head in a mixing bowl. This is worse than having to listen to N'Sync. I felt terrible, like I was going to die. The last time I felt this miserable was when this girl gave me terrible head but refused to let me fuck her. I hate alcohol.


I run to the toilet to puke again. In between me kneeling over the bowl and puking I decide that maybe I should not drink so much on Friday. I start tearing, gagging over my inability to vomit anything. This is worse than growing limp during sex.

I puke sweet stuff, figure that to be the bird's nest I just had. I see lumps, yeap there goes the bird's nest. Then I start tasting something bitter in my mouth... taste like.. taste like..

URRRRRRBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPP...

I am puking my bile out!! This is no longer funny. In the following 30 secs of me bent over the toilet bowl, tearing, vomiting and choking, I realised how much stress I'm giving my liver. I have an epiphany. No shit, Mum was right after all. Drinking is bad. I look absolutely horrible.

Zeekay calls to tell me he slept on the pavement till 6am. Nothing beats me. My mum spends a large part of the day laughing at me. Not funny, I almost died. I remember the things Thanh told me about people with bad livers and alcohol poisoning.

"One day, your liver is going to die three years before you do."

Butterfly goes for first wedding dinner

At 25 and attending your secondary classmate's wedding, makes you wonder where your life is heading. Everyone is getting married as it seems. To hell with it. My ex girlfriend is getting married, that girl is obviously mad and has no idea what she is doing. Whatever. You do realise that I'm going to be grow into a bitter old man with no one to love me, and I'm going to pry on innocent primary school boys. Ooh, I still shudder at that thought. I'm kidding, nothing is going to make me switch teams.

The best thing about weddings is that, alcohol is always free. You know me and how much alcohol means to me. There isn't a better excuse to celebrate matrimony than under the potent influence of whisky and wine.

You'll think weddings would be a good place to meet chicks? My assumptions can never be further from the truth. There are NO girls there of my age group, this wedding is starting to suck, I await alcohol to make a timely intervention and save this social disaster. I'm quite shitty at writing regards as well. I wrote,

"All the best for the future. Thanks [signature] "

Don't ask me why I wrote 'thanks', two words, No.Idea. I might be built for writting Hallmark cards afterall if I ever need a career suicide. And this is when I've not had a single drop of juice in me. I can't imagine what I'd have written if I was drunk.

"Shit, you guys have NO idea what you've gotten yourselves into, but all the best. [thumbprint in blood]"

My table of 7 consist of my ex school mates and one celebrity, who is the sister of one of the guys. She's a Dj and you see her alot on tv doing commercials. Blaque was his usual clamorous self which is always good to be around, until about 1 hour when it starts to get on your nerves with his recycling of jokes, and you wish the cutlery included steak knives. I start slow on the red wine..

By the 2nd dish, I've taken about 5 glasses and feel the need for more. I tell the waitress at our table, who is this tomboyish girl. Mare thinks she's cute but Blaque will do anything to see her kind go down in flames.

Me: "I'm going to be drinking ALOT, I need you to pay close attention to this glass.."
She: "Oh ok. No problem.."
Me: "You need to constantly top this up for me, it should never be empty.. and I drink really fast.."
She: "Can can.. no problem."

Ros and some of her classic lines..

Ros: "You know when I was younger I always thought the Youth Flying Club was where people came together to make paper aeroplanes. Only much later did I realise that they actually taught you how to fly planes!"

Ros: "You get to keep hair like that in Uni?!"
Me: "Yea, there's no restriction.."
Ros: "Then how come Ngee Ann didn't allow.."
Blaque: "Cos Polys have Tammi!! WHAHAHAHAHA"

Ros: "When I was young, before Barbie had Ken, the only other male toys I had were G.I Joes. You know G.I stacks up against Barbie right, they're like this little and Barbie's like this huge bitch, so the only toy that could go out with her was Bravestar."

Nostalgic, I remember how none of my toys could realistically fuck barbie cos every other action figurine in that era, He-Man, Silverhawk, G.I Joe, were all around her waist level. Hence, it was always like Snow-White and the 104 darwfs.

In between Ros and I tried to figure out how else our social circles linked because she found me very familiar. She was heading to Happy after dinner and was asking the guys if they were keen on the idea. I grin widely.

Ros: "Yea I'll bet you'll love to go right, so your kind.."
Me: "What the hell you talking about? I'm straight!"
Ros: "But you have that hair thing going.."

Well, I don't really blame her for thinking I'm gay. I don't really have ruggedness written all over me. Well, I used to be boyish, somehow that turned into 'pretty boy' of late. Whatever, Im a slut if you know me. I've been to those clubs and I've seen how they eye my ass. Not so much in SG, the gays here don't seem to show the same desire in wanting to fuck me, but overseas im like sushi on a conveyor belt in a Sumo house. Gays should love me anyway if they know whats good for them. I look better than their boyfriends anyway.

Three guys come to join the table cos someone else sat on their seats and they didn't have a table. Let me do the math for you. 3 additional guys equals less for for 7 hungry people. This culminates into Social Tension, which thankfully can be mediated with alcohol and fags. Well, they have to be nice, we're the majority. Don't you just love bullying the minority, my government has taught me well.

Guy1: "Hey sorry about this.. I know you guys were hoping for an extra serving of sharksfin."

I turn to Mare,

Me: "Hoo shit, this guy is darn pretty smart."

My glass starts to empty and I call the waiter next to Blaque by his full name on the tag.

Me: "Huang XXX, can I get more red wine? I really need your help, this shit needs to be constantly full."

He didn't think I was very funny nor did he seem too happy that I called his name. Whatever, these $10 per hour waiters don't really take pride in their work.. What ever happened to customer satisfaction? Don't they have pre dinner prep talks these days? Fuck him. He stayed away from our table after that. I call the tomboy,

Me: "Ya not doing too good a job babe.. Eyes on the glass.. ALWAYS."

She probably hates me. Whateva... I'm a slave driver. I make people work at optimum output.

We half filled two glasses with whiskey then another 2 glasses of half filled Chinese tea as preperation for the toast with the bridegroom. Naturally, we had the glasses marked since they looked exactly identical, so that one of us would take the tea while he took the neat whiskey.

BP (the groom) picks the whiskey glass, Ryan (the bestman, on our side of course) takes the tea and he winches as he drinks. That was an Oscar worthy performance, Ros pats him.

Ros: "Moulmein high did you some good there.."

Naturally BP is never going to finish the drink, so his bro takes it for him. He drinks the whole thing, in one sitting. Now thats impressive, and if I say so, you better believe it. This goes on for a couple of tables, and in each instance, BP's brother steps in to rescue him. By the time he's done and goes on stage to give instructions about how to use the complimentary carpark coupon, it's pretty obvious he's smashed.

1. He was slurring alittle
2. He was saying obvious things like, "Slot the card into the machine which is on the driver's side of the car when you wind down the window."

After awhile the red wine stopped coming entirely, I wasn't too happy with it, but I had enough in me to be mildly satisfied. I start debating with Blaque over drunk driving procedures.

Blaque: "You can choose not to blow one.."
Me: "Fuck yew bitch! I wuss IN the fuckin' cell.. I went through da fucking shit! Yew have to fuckin' blow.."
Blaque: "Can choose not to blow lah."
Me: "What yew think this is? Multiple choice? Yew have to blow! They'll tell yew that if yew donch blow, they will blood sample yew."

Leaving this, I'd have to say that the wedding was pretty good and it's always weird seeing someone you literally grew up with getting hitched, and there you are stuck. What the fuck is happening? If girls think I'm cute why isn't any one doing anything?!?! Well I wondered that out loud the other day, and the reply I had was "Cos you are an asshole." The least favourite reply was LB's,

LB: "Why do people keep saying you are pretty ah? I think you are ugly."

I love weddings, they never fail to make me wonder how much I'll make out of it next time. I have another one in a few more days, and I might cry seeing my sister walk down that isle. For real, I love my sister to bits. Oh well, then that's where alcohol comes in.

The Butterfly Hospital Saga pt2

After my first day in the triage area, I figured I was a liability to everything the nurses believed in, and that belief stems from 'Saving Lives'. I can hardly translate Mandarin for the nurse as my proficiency in the mother tongue is best kept elementry. I stutter during enquiries and I leave out details which require a higher understanding of the Chinese language to grasp. Even American pre-school ghetto thugs can string more perspicuous Mandarin sentences than me.

Seriously, this guy told me a whole bunch of crap about what was wrong with him and the only thing I understood was him saying 'lung cancer', or at least what I think was lung cancer. Medical documentation of the patients history is important, but hey, if you cant say it in English, then it's not important enough. If something really mattered to me, I'll learn to say it in at least 4 different languages. I can say "wanna fuck" in at least 5. You should to, you'll never know when it'll come in handy.

Well if you can say "I love you" in many different languages.. Yippie Ai Yay, bring out the champagne glass Cassanova, that just means you are a flirt. I only need to say it in one.

The Observation Room Story

Im not lying about me being a horrible medical practitioner, my friends reading this blog can atest to it. I always find ways to skive and chances to get out of the room to galavant. Hence, I always volunteer to push the patients up to the wards. For reasons..

a) Its one way I can constructively contribute to society and not endanger anyone's life.
b) The nurses at the wards are NYP attachment nurses
c) Usually Farah will be the one pushing the patients up. Anytime spent with her beats watching old people soil themselves.

Anyways, there I am, instructed to watch over patients. This is easy. Considering that most people in the observation room are usually sleeping, semi-conscious or unconscious, babysitting semi-corpses is as easy as winning a retard at Tetris.

Its all good until some of these assholes decide not to sleep. I get pissed at anyone trying to make me earn my keep and test my medical aptitude. Its unlucky enough that they got injured, but its downright calamitous that they got injured while I'm at the hospital. Usually, when these patients who choose not to snooze call for help, I'll get someone else to tend to them. They get medical attention and some other nurse gets to clock on-job experience, quid pro quo.

This lady neglects this rule and she pays the price.

She signals for my attention. I look around the room, no nurse in sight. I decide not to go over, just in case this is serious. She signals again to show that her canular has blood backflowing into the tubing. This is not too serious yet. I reassess my limits, I might be able to help. Just as I will myself to go over, she lifts up to show that her canular is actually detached, which means I have to perform intravenous on her. This is too serious, I decide to pretend not seeing her. Another high point of my life.

In the 15 secs of her frantically waving to get my attention (Oh, the woman cant speak, probably cos she has no teeth) and me pretending to look busy consolidating the pens on the reception desk, some courageous nurse moves in to tend to her. Brave, this guy has to be from Griffindor.

The other thing was that I spent a bulk of my time standing around the hot receptionist, so much so that I was oblivious to the mise en scene of the place and the operational proceedures. Once, this stretcher bed came in with a female patient on it and they had to hold it because there wasn't enough space. I spot a place over at the other end of the room and surmise that all nurses are blind. I go over to help them.

Me: "There's a place there..I'll take her."

I grab the bed and start pushing. A friend, Ryan, comes over to stop me.

Ryan: "Where you going?"
Me: "Over the other side, there's so many slots there. I can't believe how blind they are.."
Ryan: "That's the male section, you can't just put her there.."
Me: "What are you talking about?! There's a female and male section??"

I look around. Holy molly! He's right! And I thought the reason why I always stayed on the female side more because the lighting was better.

Ryan: "What have you been doing these two days bro..?"
Me: "I don't know, but I do know that the receptionist is hot!"

The Urethra Catheterization Story

In case you guys have no idea what this is, this is one word you hope will never be used on you. I swear, for a guy this is the most painful experience you'll EVER be faced with. Thankfully women get to claim giving birth and boyfriends cheating on them to be their most painful experience.

Basically what they do is they stick a fucking bubble tea sized tube into your urethra. Guys you might want to drop your pants and imagine that straw fitting into that tiny hole you have at the tip of your penis.

This nurse comes to tell me that their is a catheterization being performed soon in one of the theatres and encourages me to take a look.

She: "This is will be a good experience for you, you'll never get to see it done else where."

That BITCH! She ruined my day.

I go in to see this man in his 60s lying on a bed, naked waist down. The doctors and nurses prepare some stuff as all the other attachment personnels like myself piled into the room. This is great, everyone is excited over the shrivelled penis. Then I see the tube..

At the point of the them FORCING the tubing into the penis, everyone starts wrinching in agony. We feel it. I've never seen a semi-conscious man put up a greater struggle than this. The nurse tells us, "This is a very painful experience.."

NO SHIT NANCY DREW!! I figured that out myself.

The tube starts filling with urine and some of it sprays onto the bed. The man is still moaning agonizingly as his penis shrank from a 3inch flacid to a clit sized lump hidden behind his bush. This is horrible. Imagine what it'll take to do it, especially when there's about 3 different female nurses hands on your dick throughout the process. I tell them,

Me: "I want you to fucking shoot me if I ever need to do this."

Others

A few other incidents made my time there very memorable.

1. Having to help this guy to the toilet to pass a dump and collect his urine sample. Many words to express my disdain for medical work, Worst.Job.Ever.

2. Pushing a guy to the operation theatre myself. This guy is SERIOUSLY hurt from a traffic accident and his face has shred of skin dangling off it, so much so that I didn't want to push the bed too fast in case the skins flew off. This is not funny, he looked like he stuck his face in a juice blender.

I may be talking crap here, but you should have seen me when I was asked to do the job. I almost felt like vengeance of the medical ethics was taking a cheap shot at me. The whole time I refrained looking him in the eye, largely because I didn't know if he still had one. The face was quite re-arranged.

When I did push him into the theatre, I couldn't figure out how to open the door to come out. If you've never been in one, just to inform you that as retarded as I may be at times, there is NO door knob. I start feeling the wall for a switch then break out into a little dance infront of it wondering if it had sensors. Then I start flipping the swtiches on the wall..

The faceless guy starts moaning loudly. The flickering lights must have scared him.

It takes me 5 mins stuck in the hell hole to realise that the small black door stopper like ball at the lower corner is the switch.

Note: Remember kids, if you are ugly, getting into an accident involving your face is a good idea. That way, medical coverage can subsidise your plastic surgery.

3. Trying CPR on a dead person. Not as amusing as I'd imagine it to be.

4. Everyone was hyped on watching live medical procedures like laryngoscopy. I on the other hand, cannot comprehend the excitment in this.

They: "Hey I heard there's going to be a emergency case, ETA 5 mins."
Me: "Wooo yippie this sounds good. I'll be at the canteen, call me when its all over."

Obviously, I make the right choice. The guy apparently dies on arrival and the guys ended up having to put him in a body bag.

Disclaimer: No patients were harmed in my tenure at the hospital. If you guys are curious, its Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Well, except for the poor old lady.

You guys hate me, don't you.