The Drunk Driving Night -full account

Since its already been over two months since I got arrested for drunk driving, I'm well pass the upset phase and now capable enough to give a blow by blow account of what happened. If at any point I start mass cursing, excuse my misdemeanour and understand that nothing will take away this scar. The overview of this can be found here.

I won't recount how much I actually drank that night cos if u are an avid fan of alcohol and you've played with gadgets that update you on your BAC reading, then you'll know that 50mg ain't alot. The one that probably killed me was the Barcardi 151. For the ignorant, the limit in the sunny island of Singapore is 35mg. That is absolute rubbish. You'll probably cross that limit if u accidentally sprayed perfume in your mouth or you took a slice of tiramisu. The limit used to be 80mg, till the new Chief Justice took over and decide to implement his new law. Most likely bcos he's probably a bad drinker himself. If LB was the CJ, the limit would probably be about 20mg.

The reason why I left earlier than usual (before 3am) was because TB wanted to leave and I had to send Lee, Miss Model and TB back. LB was chatting this hot girl who's arms bore Chinese Tattoo poems. Under normal circumstances, I would have stayed with him, but I had a responsibility to see that my friends get home safe.

The moment I turned out of Mohd Sultan road, I hit Clemenceau road which was a VERY bad idea. If you know the road block operations, you'll know that its a traffic police hotspot over there. And why did I go by that way? Cos I was so sober, I was so sure I'll make it through unscathed. I am the biggest idiot.

Three cars away, I was pretty sure they'd stop me. A car full of young adults in club wear is an obvious dead givaway of a night out drinking. I can't believe I'm spot on in my predictions, never does this seem to happen for the lottery. The cop halts my car and comes to the side window to ask me some questions. I've been in road blocks countless times over, usually they'll pass my car, or even if I do get stopped, its on times when I'm legitimately clean. So what do I do? I lie..

Cop: "Sir, where did you come from?"
Me: "Mohd Sultan.."
Cop: "Did you drink, sir?"
Me: "Ermm, just a bit."
Cop: "How much?"
Me: "Maybe just two glass.."

I honestly wanted to lie and said I came from River Valley after supper and that I've not had a single drop booze. Those damn whiskeys and vodka! They totally fuck up your propensity to lie! I guess I really cannot lie in the face of adversity. Then the words I dreaded to hear.

Cop: "Sir, you don't mind, please pull over the side of the road and step out of your vehicle."

Its the same familiar lines you hear in the movies. I half wished they would execute police brutality on me so I could deny the breathalyzer, but this is Singapore. Policemen are nice people who put the interest of the public before themselves.

Another cop comes over to explain to me the proceedure.

Cop2: "Sir, you have to blow into the straw. Exhale long and hard until I tell you to stop. If you refuse to take the test or if you fail, we we have to take you back to the police station. Is that clear?"

I then replied the first most logical thing on my mind.

Me: "Hey brudder, can't you just close one eye? Just let me off this once?"

And this is where I hate Singapore. Corruption is low, everyone is affluent, and I can't buy my way out of this fix. I was THAT close to actually begging.

Cop2: "Cannot lah. Is there anyone in your car that can drive?"

Lee has an Australian license but he is way too drunk. TB is perhaps the only one who could have pass the damn BAC test but she didn't have a license. Miss Model well... too drunk and no license. I kept wondering if this was meant to be a second chance, a chance that was engineered to mock my choice of passengers. If only LB was here, we'd have switched places midway at the road block.

Without a choice, I blew. The first attempt was void as I blew too little and released too soon. Needless to say I voided the next attempt.

Cop2: "This is the last chance, if void again, we'll have to take you in."

What the hell. I blew. Failed. Fuck. I'm fucked.

The first cop comes over to explain to me that he'll park my car at the carpark by the road and they have to take me in. I told the guys to go ahead and take a cab home first and said some really stupid stuff like, "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." What the fuck, I'm lying through my teeth now when only minutes ago I was a fucking mascot for the honesty campaign.

The trip back was absolutely whrecking for me. I constantly wished the cops would flip and crash the car somewhere in the journey and I would crawl out alive despite not having airbags and make a run. That would have been divine intervention. We had a brief conversation in the car where I actually corrected them about some mistakes they said in the comparisson of the WRX and the STi. I just desperately wanted to prove I was sober.

I also realised only much later that being brought back to the station had two protocols to adhere to. One was that I was to have all my valuables, ie wallet and mobile phone confiscated and that I was supposed to be handcuffed. Neither of it happened to me. It wouldn't have made a difference either. I'd still have been wishing the car flipped but I'll probably also be thinking about how to pick the handcuffs.

As soon as we got to the station, I was told to wait in a holding area. There were 4 others there already, and this was at maybe 3.30am. Everyone of them looked like they had just come out of a beer orgy. Then we each recounted or story.

There was this guy in his 40s who was a lorry driver. The dude was so drunk he was uttering rubbish about beating up cops and stuff. Apparently he got pulled over at the highway for doing 100km/h on his lorry curbed at 60km/h. It wasn't the speed, he told us that he was swerving and that when he got pulled over he over, he was so pissed drunk with fraustration on being stopped he wanted to smash the cop's head. He was that violent, drunk and stupid.

This other guy got caught because he nearly crashed his bike into the police car stationed on the road shoulder. Amazing what these people go through to get themselves arrested.

When at the station, we had to take a second more accurate BAC reading. It's a machine hooked up to transmit the data to the court. Which means there is no avenue of escape once we blow. If we fail, the data is automatically sent to the court, irradicating chances of bribery and corruption. We miss out on alot of human relations and economic persuassion. Being corruption free sucks.

One the guys actually passed the second test, he blew a 30mg/100. This girl blew a 38mg and even if you exceed by 3mg, it's deemed an offence. This is the perfect example of a rigid system of work ethics. Everything is numerically based.

LadyCop: "Ok, you are given three attempts to blow. Blow till the light flashes green. If after three tries you fail to produce a legitimate result, you will be deemed to have failed the test, and will be proscecuted accordingly."

Prior to this, I had already consumed an insane amount of water, pissed twice and scrubbed my tongue furiously. Why did I have so much time? Cops are efficient in arresting people, but they suck at paper work. By the time I was called for the second test, it was probably 4.20am.

I blew.. 50mg. LadyCop said some really stupid stuff.

LadyCop: "Ok you can see the results yourself, there's no way I could have tampered with it."

The next stop was being held in another cell while they prepared the charge sheet. I went in with 3 others. Two of which were the two guys prementioned, who blew a 97mg and a 68mg. The other was this Caucasian man, Olivers, who turned out to be the Managing Director of Spizza. I think he blew a 55mg.

Olivers: "What is taking them so long? I thought Singapore is very efficient"
Me: "You've not been through our army.."
Olivers: "So what are they keeping us in here for? They going to hang us?"
Me: "They'll probably cane us first. Only people above 51mg gets hanged."
Olivers: "Really? Such a pity you'll miss the experience of getting hanged then."

The two of us went on at this, making incessant jokes about getting hanged and executed for drink driving. It was the only way we could suppressed reality and ironically it came from exaggeratingly mocking our plight. We sat in the cell waiting the inevitable charge and yet every fleeting moment I believed that there was some way or another the officer would be able to wrangle me out of this debacle or that I was merely dreaming. I would have believed I was dreaming except that my mobile poured in with messages as everyone slowly got word about it.

Alot of it consisted of an opening msg that went something like, "Are you ok?" and ended predictably with "don't worry, everything will be alright." My friends are pretty much in the same Pinocchio idolizing club as me. If I was to give anyone a comfort speech, it'll pretty much be. "Fuck it. You are screwed, unless you know someone important in the society, you're pretty much fucked. If you do, you're gonna just get away with a week's suspension and a thousand dollar fine. Hail Nepotism". If you read my court case story, you'll know why. Maybe if you are surnamed Lee and you hold certain previledged bloodlines to a certain figure, they probably let u off on the spot and throw in a free can of green tea, just for making you wait.

The holding area was a fucking room with seats that are so uncomfortable you'll break a vertebrae just trying to lean back on it. Besides Olivers, there was no one else I really wanted to talk to. The drunk lorry driver was snoring away and still muttering about bashing cops and the biker was complaining how his girlfriend was gonna kill him and that he had 3 speeding charges under his belt already. I just took one sip too many.. why am I here? The potential cop basher, a kamikaze cop killing bike rider, a rich restaurant entreprenuer and an innocent clubber. What a motley crew.

When I finally got called to do my charge statement, it was close to 6.30am and LB was already there at the station waiting to bail me out. Before going in I practised several pitiful expressions and demeanour to show my regret and utter disillusionment with life. Im serious, I would have been Oscar worthy given the number of times I buried my face in my palms. The only thing I couldn't do was to cry on cue. I even took my tone two notches below my usual speech and added the occassional quiver in the voice.

Immediately after the Officer said there was nothing he could do except write in a favourable report, I dropped the act and resumed my stoned disenchantment with worldly pleasures. My cold blank stare made him asked me on a couple of occassions if I actually understood the proceedings. Fuck, I'm dead man walking anyway, might as well make it a swift one.

When everything was done and I was cleared to leave, the cops actually realised that I was not properly detained. As in my prossessions were supposed to be confiscated and returned only after I was duely charged or accquited. The female cop said another stupid line to me, something like, "you're lucky we forgot to take your mobile". Right, I can so clearly see the silver-lining in that!

By the time I was cleared, it was 7.30am. I made so many first for tonight. Getting bailed, taking a legit BAC test and staying from dusk till dawn in a damn station. All I really needed now was to get fucked in the ass, and that would have really made it a night.

Booze, Bapoks and Butches

I'm having this title only because its LB's idea to combine the three B's that ideally defined our night. I would have added progressive music and shuffling but it doesn't fit any where into the B category.

I head to Zouk cos there's some progressive act going on at Phuture. And at this point in my life, shuffle music takes precedence over girls. I'm lying, the real reason why I'm actually supporting local acts is cos I was given free invites to the event by Yumi. In return I'll write something juicy on the blog for her, but not this entry. She had a nice voice and if I wasn't so acustomed to hearing girls whose English is littered generously with grammatic roadkills, I'd have almost forgotten how sexy it is for girls to speak decent English.

LB, Eugg and me get there close to 11pm. By 11.15pm, I plaster myself strategically at the bar counter at Phuture.

11.15pm: I order 4 shots of whiskey for Eugg and me. LB is not drinking anything mildly alcoholic. The whiskey turns out to be VERY potent.

11.20pm: I've finished both shots and we eye the couple next to us. The girl is gorgeous and the person she's next to is either a butch or a guy. Either way she/he is VERY ugly. Had he larger ears and painted himself orange, he would snag the casting credits for the stand-in of the Orange Guy in Sin City.

11.23pm: We order 2 Gin Tonic and 2 glasses of Vodka Redbull. I take both drinks like a dehydrated camel.

11.28pm: A group near us gets a tray of Sour Apple. The couple next to us gets a round of it too. I cannot be out done by the Brady bunch or the ugly Hollywood creature wanna-be. We order 4 shots of it.

11.35pm: Eugg cannot keep up with my drinking habits. He suggest we tone down alittle. I make taunting remarks, scathing whatever pride he's half drunk consciousness can muster. We order 2 shots of tequila. I really hate tequila, but I'll drink anything you can throw at me.

11.37pm: I wave for the waiter again. They really love entertaining us unlike the fuckers at Dbl O. I order 2 Lychee Martinis and 2 Blowjobs. LB attempts to count the number of drinks I've had.

11.43pm: Eugg starts giving excuses not to drink the drinks.

11.46pm: Eugg is almost out, but my drinking motto says, "If you cant keep up, you better step up." I gave my card to the waitress and tell them to get me 2 Screaming. I buy this largely because I half anticipated the girls to ask me what drink is it. Well, it worked before.

11.52pm: The waiteress starts recommending me drinks to buy. We end up getting Martell VSOP shots. LB drank the Screaming for Eugg and half the VSOP, I'd never leave any alcohol wasted so I finish up the remaining half.

I'd save you the math. Till this point, Im on 11 and a half. This isn't alot but most of my friends aren't alcoholics like me, and seldom do they drink to anywhere near my threshold. I'm probably 40% high, another 12 more shots and I'll pretty much drop.

The crowd is, hold on. There is NO crowd. I can start playing hop-scotch in the middle of the dance floor and still have enough space to built a campfire. This is the demise of Zouk as we know off. Thankfully, the music is pretty amazing. Or it could be the 10 plus cocktails talking.

Some random highlights:

This chick in School Uniform outside Zouk. I asked her if she was lost. She calls her friend and says something like this.

UniformChick: "Where are you? I'm at the place where all the drunks are, and they are asking me if I'm lost."

We end up talking cos LB know her name. Turns out she's his ex-school mate and Pappy's friend. She's pretty good looking but very tall. I take a pic with her, just because her uniform is way too yummy.

Me: "Where did you come from? Why are you dressed like this?"
UniformChick: "I came from a dinner party, it's a costume ball for SULT."
Me: "Sounds fun, you re-arrange the letters and you can spell SLUT."
UniformChick: "Oh my gawd.. ya!"

We tell her to go in to Zouk dressed like that, even though she has a change of clothes. She accepted the bet on a condition I buy her a drink. I cannot remember what I said but I hand her some old lottery ticket.

I meet my 'dream' girl from the John Digweed story. She's a friend of our friend and attached. This absolutely bores me to death.

We end up talking to the very gorgeous girl with the hermaphrodic date (the couple at Phuture). I'd have said androgynous but androgynic people tend to be very good looking. Whatever. The toad with the hot chick didn't seem too please at us. Fuck it! There are times when I have to step in to help blind girls who are making bad decisions like crossing the road filled with ugly cars with bumper stickers that says, "I'm a toad, please let me hit on you". The following is why I never pick people up. Rarely at least.

Me: "What's your number?"
HotGirl: "Errmmm... this is weird. You haven't even told me your name?"
Me: "What's weird. Oh.. XXX.. and you?"
HotGirl: "XXX. So what are you doing now?"
Me: "Getting your number."
HotGirl: "No I mean, you studying?"
Me: "Ya.."
HotGirl: "At..?"
Me: "NUS. Ok now give me your number."
HotGirl: "Ermm.. ok."

Whatever, I suck at it. LB steals her number of my phone cos he's interested in her too and wants to make it a 2 horse race.

We go back to Phuture for more dancing. Straight nights of continous shuffling and binge drinking have finally taken its toll on me. I pull a muscle in my left groin which makes shuffling a real pain. This is fucking big for me. Not being able to shuffle when the music rocks analogically equates to not being able to get an erection during sex.

Some guy comes up to me. Turns out to be my God-Sis' boyfriend and he offers me more drinks. I like him already.

This girl starts dancing near us. I smile at her and she smiles back... for the rest of the night. We say bye to her and she comes up to talk to us. She gives LB a peck and a hug but wants me to take her number. Weird, totally caught us off guard.

LB: "You want who to take your number?"
She: "Him." [pointing to me]
LB: "Him? Why him?"
She: "Cos he's so handsome. Look abit like Ah Beng, but I like."

Whatever rocks her boat. Am I taking the bait? No.

We bump into this VERY hot ladyboy. Then again, the average Ladyboy is about two rungs hotter than the average female. The really pretty ones have enough pout,cleavage and strut to put our actresses to shame. Now that's a statement even you hardcore authentic pussy lovers cannot possibly argue. LB pecks her on the cheek and chokes on the foundation. She's a walking cosmetic sample set. She's so heavily made up, you can steal makeup off her face and still leave enough for her to go work in the geisha house. We befriend all ladyboys we meet. Usually they'll be attracted to either one of us so they entertain most of our crap.

The night turned out decently well, despite the initiate setback in crowd. To think we half contemplated on leaving for some sleazy pub at Tanjong Pagar, which would probably had been a bad choice.

Why Foreign Girls Rule

As much as I always complain about my dating life being cursed, I've come to realised that a large part of it is because of me. Its just me, I love picking the ones that I have no future with, largely because I want it that way, but also because normal decent girls don't appeal to me.

Thus far the local contingent falls either under paedophilic or potential pensioners. The other problem with them is that they never seem to show the same amount of persistence in trying to fuck me like the foreign legions do. This whole issue of pride is utter bullshit to me. I don't get it, they pick me up in the club yet they refuse to candidly date me out. Thats the problem with local women (most of them at least), they always believe men should make the first move.

This is very different from the foreign girls I date. They are forthcoming and they know precisely what they want and how they go about getting it. Which is also why most men prefer foreign women. If you disagree, you obviously havent peddled anywhere further then Sentosa and you need to break that piggy bank, run down to the nearest travel agent and book a flight to Thailand or any neighbouring country other than Malaysia.

If you are lucky enough to be good looking, you'll have women swarming you. If not, go break another piggy bank and hopefully money can disguise your lack of game. Foreign women seem to be THAT much more agressive, which rocks my boat pretty well. The meek docile play needs to come off immediately when you talk to me. And its best if they keep their vocabulary strictly limited to words with "fuck" and "sex".

For those who say China women are money grubbers, I disagree and can quote off hand personal accounts. They are money grubbers to you only if you are ugly. I cannot stress how impartial this society is. Looks does wonders when it comes to dating. Fuck character. I have absolutely no character but they still love me. You'll just have to take my word for it. See, I'm arrogant and fucked up, but if you know whats good for you, you should want to fuck me.

Why am I writing these? Well, I just received an SMS from IndoGirl from the blue movie story. Its been nearly 3 months since she left and maybe her 6th SMS to me since. I've not replied to any because it cost a mind-blowing $0.50, and not because I don't like her. The following is a verbatim, remember she's not proficient in English.

IndoGirl: "Hi Butterfly, how are you? Why u never give me news this cos u won't be a friend with me, right? Cos im so ugly yes. Ok then hope u always be fine."

Im pretty amused with the SMS (partly bcos it takes an effort to figure what she's writing), because despite all this time, she still actually bothered about me. She came here, fucked me and left and yet she still missed me. The local girls here take my number and expect me to date them out, and give up soon after I show zero interest. Whatever.

This is where the foreign girls score one over the locals. They make their interest in you known, so you never have to second guess. If they like you, you'll know it without having to rip petals off flowers, and having to guess why her hands are on your lap.

Secondly, foreign girls expect less out of men. Largely becos Thai men are assholes, Indo's aren't rich and China men dress badly, hence Singaporean men are desired. If anyone has dated them before, you'll know that they are easily pleased. Im not even talking about sex here. Just taking them out for meals and walking around town is all thats needed to make them feel loved.

For local women, these are entry level dating. I'm generalising, there are women who expect very little from their male companions. This could be because no one wants them and they cant afford to fuck this up again. You can disagree with me, but you'd better be hot, if not you are just bitter that I nailed the spot.

Then again, I'm sampling a population of locals. I know alot of local men who have dated foreign women (largely Thai's and Chinese nationals) and once you've dated those picture card girlfriends, you'd never want to date locals again. I understand why so. Well, when you can get a girl who doubles up as a maid (and I say this in a good way, they serve you really well), who wants an opinionated girl raised to believe that 'pampered' is a word exclusive to women?

There's nothing wrong with being opinionated, cos it adds to the interesting conversations. This is where local women fight back. It's the language barrier, you can never hold a decently intelligent conversation with the foreign women in English. And since that is my ONLY proficient language, I'd have to give this one to the locals. However, some local women do tend to have English so atrocious, you'll feel like you just came out of a primary school oral examination reading of a Shakespearean classic.

I cant be wrong now can I?
Or maybe I'm old and bitter..

The 'Blind' Date

LB and me had originally planned a double date. He was to bring one partner and I was to take another girl out for a movie together. Then he changed the plan and it became a double date, except that my date was a blind date who was his date's friend. I hope you guys can keep up with what I'm saying.

LB called to tell me that according to his friend, Rach, her friend has and I'm directly quoting, "Big boobs and a pretty face". Already this sounds good. I contemplated on two options,

a) I do LB the favour and go out together with my Russian Roulette style date. A good chance she might be as how she's described, but I won't get anything out of it. Or..

b) I take the safe bet and go out with my friend who is cute, has a good bod and I can be cheeky without pissing her off. I however will not get to meet new people.

The thing about people who fall under this 'big boobs and pretty face' category is that they are usually plump and hence the big boobs. I know at least 4 girls that fall into this. Should they shed 20 pounds of flab and come to acknowledge that picking up that KFC drumstick in repetition does not ton arms, then they would find themselves having twice as many suitors.

After some advice from various parties I was speaking to online, all of whom strongly suggested I picked option A. Much to selfish intentions as Flower puts it, "potential butterflytales material. More entertainment for me." I take one for the team, largely i'm doing it for LB. Altrusim, I cant emphasize enough on the importance of team playing.

Pappy joined us for the date, and since we were late, he had to pick them from Bugis and drive them to town. Pappy joins us for the same reason I'm giving this date any hope. The words 'big boobs' have a very hypnotizing effect on men.

Half-way through the trip there, I get the worse SMS from Pappy EVER.

Pappy: "You still got time to run!"

I took one look at the SMS and burst out laughing. LB took a while before he got it then complained of chest pains. I msged Pappy back to say that we got lost in Orchard Road, then started chastising LB on the shit he just got us into.

Me: "WHAT THE FUCK!!! I'm gonna start spouting nonsense.."
LB: "Eh, what ever nonsense you spout, don't say anything harmful."

By the time we reached the carpark, Pappy had just arrived and was walking towards us with the girls. I saw two girls, one not good looking at all, and another with seemingly bruises or what looked like birthmarks on her face. I couldn't identify both to begin with and from the angle they approached, I couldn't make out cup sizes either. My hysterics begun..

Me: "WHAT THE FUCK!!! THE FACE!! THE FACE!!"
LB: "WHAT WHAT?? WHAT'S WRONG?!"
Me: "Why like that?! What's that on her face!!"
LB: "What face?! What's wrong with the face??!!"

LB totally refused to look, partly cos he was reversing the car. We hid in the car for a moment to compose ourselves. The last thing we want is to go out there and start staring. I do that alot, but I'm working hard to be nice these days.

LB: "What's wrong?! Got defect ah? I cannot take defects I tell you first..."
Me: "I dunno I dunno... Her face has bruises or a birthmark, either one. What the fuck!! Why did we have to come?!"

Finally we got out and the first thing LB said to Rach was.

LB: "Since when did you start to lie?"

Rach stuck strongly to her opinion. The only thing Rach said truthfully were the boobs. The girl had relatively large boobs. Her figure was in my opinion, below average. She neither had a small waist nor a tight ass. The good thing was that the mark on her face turned out to be makeup. I don't know which ghetto style this is but dolling up to look like you're on the set of Special Victims Unit is not my idea of beautiful.

Her name is unique. I'll call her Jewel. LB and I refrained largely from forming sentences with her name inside. Whether it was the overbearing English name, or the make up that looked like the opening scene of Rocky, we were going to be nice.

In between, LB and I got distracted by the iGallop. I actually sat on one. The salesman was nice and patient enough to take the whole load of crap I was giving him. I complained about it not being feasible for watching TV bcos the rocking gave me headaches from shaky vision. I said it could never tone any part of my ass and I asked if they could throw in the life sized cardboard pictures of the models straddling the iGallop so that it'll give me 'added' motivation. Whether he got it or not I don't know.

LB, Pappy and I ended up having dinner while the girls shopped. Rach met her cousin who was so much cuter, and had big boobs. We saw a guy with this HUGE mole below his nose, and I said some pretty nasty things. They thought it was funny. I shan't repeat it here.

Another of Rach's friend joined them. This girl totally went of the scales. If she wasn't a friend's friend, I would have thrown fries at her and repeatedly laughed everytime she talked, ate or moved.

I'll paint you a mental picture. Imagine the Predator without the mask, now fix that lower half of the face to that of Sandra Ng (Wu Jun Ru). This girl is nastily scary. Her teeth is crocked, jagged to be precise. Her top frontal set is grown in the same template as brick layers laid their bricks. Her lower jaw the perfect example of serious underbiting. Just imgine, when she talks while chewing her food, there's enough gap for strands of coleslaw to miraculously pop up. She looked very much like a horse eating hay. And as if things aren't already bad, she had to have a speck of mayo left on her upper lip.

I cant believe how mean I can be sometimes, but this girl is FUCKING ugly. Even with a ten foot pole, I'd have to consider poking her.

We started talking about my medical research and LB tells them the side effect is having teeth like mine. Ok, I have to admit. I don't have nice teeth. It's the only imperfection on my face. I have nice facial features, nicer than most men can ever dream of. That's becos I'm me. Yet even I have flaws. I have bad teeth (my top half is not straight), not even nearly as bad as PredatorGirl but still relatively flawed. Oh well, I make up for this by having a nice nose, big eyes, soft lips and a killer tongue. That girl has NO redeeming qualities.

Immediately after LB mentioned about the teeth, the girls asked to have a look at it. Basically, only Rach and LB have good teeth. Jewel has two big front tooth and an overbite and PredatorGirl, well enough has been said. I'd let her dignity rest. The two girls start defending me, saying that it isn't bad at all and stuff. Hmm I wonder why..

Thinking we had to watch the movie with PredatorGirl, I started complaining about the time and about having a tummy ache. On closer look, Jewel is pretty good looking, her look grows on you. Either that or PredatorGirl is making everyone else within sight look extremely good.

Thoughout half the time we were talking, I had to hide behind Rach to prevent myself from directly making eye contact with PredatorGirl. Each time I did, I ended up having something mean to say which cracked LB up even though he insisted I was going to have retribution for this. The worst was her 'stunned' expression, which came predictably from me telling them my age. It consisted of her mouth slightly open and filled with half chewed up coleslaw. Had she had snakes in her head, I would have wished she turned me into stone and end my misery.

We ended up watching a movie with Rach alone. The Nanny McPhee trailer reminded me so much of PredatorGirl. She left a huge imprint in my day, thats more than I can say for most girls I've met of late.

A regular Saturday night

There's simply only one good place to go to on a Saturday night. And thats MoS. Im bias here, good hard trance/house music always gets my vote, its a good trade off for expensive drinks. LB, Pappy, ZK, Flower make up the contingent tonight.

Some early figures showed that tonight was gonna be a good night.

Amount spent on drinks - $40
No. of girls that hit on me - 2
No. of new friends - Lost count.. I told LB we need a filing system.

Flower brought one of her friends who had a really hot bod. I could have spent my entire night watching her sway her ass, but other girls deserve my attention too. I have to be impartial and give other equally good looking people an equal time to be gawked over.

There were couple of decently hot Caucasians who stole pretty much the limelight at the podiums. Generally, people cant dance to house. Flower complained that the floor was littered heavily with poor dancers. I agree, there should be bouncers stationed to pull out anyone thats dancing out of sync with the rhythm.

Seriously people, if you have a problem with rhythm, you should just stick to drinking and hopefully u have a pretty face so someone will come talk to you. Leave the dancing to people who can actually hear and who don't have nerve problems. If you twitch uncomfortably or you are just hoping or bouncing around and think you're in beat, then STOP, apologise to people for dancing near them and fuck off the dance floor!!

There were a couple of good dancers. Pappy is determined to learn the shuffle. Most of the shufflers were actually our friends, less for this group who had one girl that was hot. Ugly guys who never get attention need to learn this. People talk to you. Then again, maybe it happens only to me. Well, everyone should talk to me if they know whats good for them.

LB has a blind date set up in the club. This is amazing. Prior to us coming down, LB had chatted up this girl from wholivesnearyou.com, took her contact and arranged a meeting at the club. Largely influenced on the fact that the girl said she was not photogenic and also that she was fun talking to. Photos are deceiving, I've proven this before here.

We ordered two glasses of Tomato Vodka, then took it to go meet the girl. (For some reason, Flower and LB love the drink. ZK and me absolutely hate it.) I took one glance at her, and told LB that I wanted to go find Reznor. Not that she was ugly, but its the kind I would never take a second look at. LB later told me she's a liar, apparently she's photogenic.

I ended up alone, cos everyone simply disappeared. ZK went MIA, Flower was at Pure, Pappy was no where in sight and I couldn't find Reznor. I ended up standing at the table and smiled at this girl who was looking at me. Her guy friends were NOT too pleased about that. I thought I was being friendly, they didn't seem to think so. Whatever, fuck them.

When everyone, except for ZK and Flower got back, we finally invaded the dance floor. Some girl tapped me to asked if I could shuffle, then proceeded to request if I could show it to her and her friends. I scanned them, decent enough. Request approved. I highlighted to Pappy again the wonders of shuffling or maybe just being me. Pappy is more determined than ever to learn.

The girls were actually guessing how old I was and they thought I was 19. I left them in paralytic shock when I told them I was turning 25. I now understand why most girls above 23 never seem to be interested in chatting me up, cos they probably think its cradle snatching. Its the damn face, Flower says I look like a little Japanese boy.

We left at 3.15am. As soon as I got out the club I heard someone calling my name. My FULL name. Turns out to be the girl I met here the last time I came with Lee. In her drunk stupor, she provided much entertain. Screaming in speech, and yelling at us NOT to go Zouk but to head to Momo instead.

At 3.30, LB and me headed to MoMo, to meet this girl, Mushroom, we met at Devils Bar a week back. LB's friend signed us in, then demanded a drink. What an asshole.

Mushroom is hot. She has a good bod, firm tummy and a decent face. However, her English left much to be desired. And for LB, this is a disturbing curse that has been occuring over and over again. The last girl pronounced Phuture as 'Pewture', but this girl just made her look like a news anchor-woman.

Im repeating her SMS verbatim.

Mushroom: "ok. when u reach lock u can saw."

Before I procceed to mock her, she was trying to say this. "Ok. When you reach the locker you will see me." She has to be a pre-primary dropout. There's no way in hell she could have passed ANY English test with the grammar of 7yr old Mongolian child. And no way she could have missed type a sentence like that. I know I make mistakes now and then in my blogs, but that's because I generally do not proof read. For the record, I'm an A student in English from primary through to JC. Yes.. a fucking A for GP, how many of u pricks out there can boast of that.

I don't have a problem with people who cannot speak English, but its another thing when its spangled with atrocity that it becomes amusing. No one is going to read that SMS withour laughing. If you read that and said "its ok what..", you are dumb and you will be laughed at by me soon.

LB makes out with her anyway.

There was a fight outside the club which saw this Malay kicked the shit out of a retreating Chinese. Silat won Wushu that night. Huo Yuanjia is so gonna make an appearance next week at MoMo to restore Chinese pride. Beware.

We tried to be funny with some cops. They didn't give a damn about us.

LB complained that I almost never chat people up in clubs.

LB: "You damn lousy leh, I never see you talk to people."
Me: "That's because people pick me up."
LB: "That's why you don't have choices."

Some guy bought flowers for this girl which was pretty amusing. I'd have laughed if I had a better understanding of dialect and mandarin. There was this Malay chick who was really pretty seated next to me outside the club. Really elegant looking, short cropped hair and a very beautiful face.

Me: "You understand Mandarin?"
She: "Yi dian dian (alittle bit)"

Then she smiled and stuck her tongue out. Its all the reason I'll need to give up pork for 1 year at least.

Who Needs Valentines when there's Free Drinks

Fuck Valentine's Day, the damn capitalist are all out on a field day to masacre your wallets. As much as i subscribe to the Capitalist mantra of exploitation, I don't like it when I'm on the receiving end of it. The world isn't fair, stupid people should be manipulated. Im way too smart for this and those of you who chose to stay home, good for you. You are obviously smart. Either that or you're fat ugly and no one wants you.

When there's free drink, you can almost be certain I'll be there. You've heard it before, I'm a slut for free drinks. So when rare gem offers like FREE drinks and FREE entry present itself, you'd expect the place to be a watering-hole for drunk men with beer bellies and masked invididuals from Alcoholic Annoymous. Wrong.

The free flow actually begins at 9pm but by the time me and LB get there, it's closer to 10.15pm.

10.15pm: The door bitch wants us to fill up a mailing list before letting us in. In between some banter I ask what it requires for me to be eligible for the free roses given out at the door. She says 'Lipstick and mascara.."

10.20pm: We finally make it up there. The place is suprisingly empty considering the appeal of free drinks. We have no time to lose, I have to start hydrating myself with juices.

10.24pm: I start off with a Whiskey Green Tea. LB takes a fruit punch. If you know LB, you'll know that its typical of him. I skull mine and the ball begins.

10.26pm: I order one more Whiskey and a Vodka and drink both with a vengence and will make Johnny Walker proud.

10.30pm: Lee comes. I tell Roy I wanna do 10 shots before 11pm.

10.32pm: We order 3 more whiskey green tea. I take both. LB is my personnal accountant, he gives me the "5 more shots to go" signal.

10.33pm: Reznor gets there finally, drunk. Apparently he has been drinking since 8pm.

10.36pm: We take 4 more orders of Gin Tonic. The bartenders are eyeing us with contempt. I tell you, they hate us. We are the only ones standing at the bar and blatantly exploiting the system of free drinks.

10.40pm: Im up to the magical 7. Three more to go. I take one last Whiskey. Im slowing down considerably, considering that I haven't really had dinner yet. I need to intelligently pace myself while racing against time.

10.45pm: I tell LB to order 4 more shots of Gin Tonic. Im at 8, Lee is at 4 and LB is at zero.

10.48pm: LB orders from one waiter. That guy tells him to order from another waiter.

10.53pm: LB is STILL waiting.

10.55pm: I go in and order. They keep directing me to someone else. This is bullshit. Im being denied drinks.

10.57pm: They show me random looks of contempt. I hate them, I hope they remain bartenders forever. Low life scums, denying poor me of my goal. For once, I have an aim, and they have to come destroy it. Pardon me if i live life aimlessly again.

11.01pm: I finally get to order. He tells me "No more free flows, need to pay." And adds a smirk to it. Ugly fuck face.

Thats the end of it. I failed to reach 10, not by my own account at least. People love fucking up my my dreams. Since I never have a defeatist attitude, I decide I shall accomplish it even if it means paying.

11.10pm: I reach the magical 10 shots.

There are three themed dancers there that night. A Belly Dancer, a french maid and a I dunno what, she has white gloves, black shorts and white top. Could be Michael Jackson. I eventually get to know the Belly Dancer on a seperate night. The French Maid only has her custome going for her.

We end up talking with one of the girls walking around with a camera. I demand taking pictures, it could be the 10 intoxicating shots talking. She thinks I'm funny anyway and agree to be photographed with me.

Pappy and another friend plays us out. They decide their Valentines dates are way more important than getting drunk with us.

The last thing I remember is getting bored and deciding to leave. We head to another bar to continue binge drinking.

I do another couple of rounds there. And go off flirting with the singers.

The remaining night needs to be censored unfortunately. What a good way to spend my Valentines. Its the first time I'm spending it outside the company of a girl and I must say, drinking is much better. Well, it's for one the cheapest Valentine's day I've had in years.

Post script edit: I forgot to mention this. There was this other girl who was a Carlsberg promoter whom I 'scared' off. It went something like this.

Me: "What does it take to have a picture with you?"
Girl: "You can't.."
Me: "What? It violates your work guidelines?"
Girl: "No, just my own principles."
Me: "You have rubbish principles. The next time I see you, I'm taking your pic."
Girl: "Oh then you won't see me."
Me: "I'll see how long you can remain away from me..."

She hurtles off. She wasn't offended though but she made sure she stayed way clear of me. And because I was standing near the enterance, it was impossible for her to leave the place. She had to run pass me as a result. How do I know she wasn't really frightened of me? Cos I'm king and I know everything.

The Guy's Story Sharing

I spent my Fri night at a medical research facility. While the guys were out there having fun partying, drinking and possibly fucking, I was in the company ot 12 other men. Men, who like me had traded a piece of their weekend freedom for ALOT of money. Beyond my expectation, the night left me in stitches from laughing and I would have died twice over if I had asthma. When guys get together, we share stories..

These are some of the ones I can remember, alot of them were situational comedy which I either cannot remember the entirety of them or will not do justice by regurgitating them out in my colloquial ranting.

There was this guy, Dave who told us that one of his 'few' expectations of a girlfriend was to be given a blowjob on call. And that was his prelude to sex. I quote him, "Dear, I want.." and at this instance, he expects his girlfriend to respond, i quote again 'Immediately' to his needs.

Then he told us this story about how he's ex-girlfriend used to refuse to give him a blowjob which he could never understand why. And since he equated blowjob = love, it was obvious he didn't stay long with her, cos he felt she didn't love him enough. This led to a full scale debate between the rest of us and him.

Eric: "You equte love this way, everyone has a different perception of love."
Dave: "I know, mine is simple. I just want a girl to give me a blowjob as and when I want. Its just a blowjob!"
Andy: "Ya, but maybe she's scared of dicks, maybe she choked on one before.."
Dave: "WTF! It's just a dick, can't she just do what I want."

Then I came in to blow the discussion away.

Me: "To you its just a blowjob.. What if she had a fetish and wanted you to do.."
Dave: "Of cos I'll do it!"
Me: "What if she likes you eating out her ass?"
Dave: "I suppose I would.."
Me: ""Right after she just taken a dump..."
Dave: "Fuck!!!!"

I continued scenario 2

Me: "Or maybe she wants you to go down on her.."
Dave: "I'll do it if she's shaved.."
Me: "In the middle of her shitting.."
Dave: "Fuck you!!! You are destroying my sex life!!!"

Everyone ruptured, but I made my point in the most extreme example I could think of. I had to make him understand that perception to blowjobs differ. I did it, I'm good.

Jonanthan told us about anal sex and how its supremely overated. I cant contest to this.

Jon: "I tell you, its overated. You lube yourself up, fuck, and what you get is shit all over your dick."

Dave: "Where got shit? You fucked her right after she went toilet ah?"
Jon: "Maybe yours had a clean intestine."
Andy: "What has clean intestines got to do with this?"

Someone told this story about fucking a girl without a clitoris, I cant remember who.

xxx: "I got so worried because I couldn't find it. I pryed open her libia and stuck my finger up her for almost a minute. And because of that, I went to do extensive research on it online."

I told them my stories, one about the the crazy bitch and the other on the blowjob folly. They thought it was hilarious and also that I was a total asshole. There's was one Russian guy in the group, who sat quietly listening and laughing at our stories and declined to participate at first. He was a Russian Computer Engineering PhD student, here on scholarship and about to learn the vices of Singapore. After much egging from us, he joined in, and contributed some really whacked stories. The only thing I was expecting was the heavy Russian accent which he didn't have..

We were on the topic of sexual fantasies.. and this is the funniest I've heard EVER!

John: "zu know I always wanted to fuck Malay gurl, in her tudong while she is singing Allah Hakbar.."

note: He specifically used the words.. Al Hakbar? I not sure if I spelt it or got the correct words, but it's verses from the Koran if I'm not mistaken.

Wicked!! That was absolutely wicked. I have to give it to him for the most innovative sexual fantasy I've heard. I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

John: "Yea and zu know, Russia. We have TV station zat we can give video to. I want to give video of me fucking Malay girl singing and tell people of Russia, 'Can you do that?' "

He goes on to tell us some Russian stories. This guy was pretty amusing and witty, though his accent hindered our response time to laugh.

John: "In Singapore NS is ok, you are small country. In Russia, we can get posted all over the place. You can get posted to North Pole and zat is it for you. You have to go make friends with icy (polar) bear and if you horny, there is no one. You have to fuck bear." (sic)

John: "You know I have have African girlfriend. I like, cos in Russia, we no see African people before. I like chocolate."

John: "In Russia we say, there is no ugly women, only not enough Vodka."
Me: "Here we say the same thing but we add, 'pls keep the lights off'. "

John: "In Russia, I never see Ladyboy before. Only when I come Singapore, I see women taller than me standing outside Orchard Tower. I thinking, 'women here look weird but very pretty' then my friend say that is boy, I say.. WHY!!"

It also highlighted the ignorance of local men to the wonders of Orchard Towers. One of them was even clueless about Ladyboys.

Dave: "They don't have dicks so we fuck them in the ass?"
Me: "No.. in the vagina."
Dave: "THEY HAVE A VAGINA!!!??"
Me: "Constructed.."
Dave: "Wah... I want to go try. So where's their balls?"

Some other guy had a very ambitious sexual fantasy.

Elvis: "I want to fuck in the middle of Orchard Road. I wanna pitch a tent, hang a road works sign and fuck inside the tent."

Elvis: "This other time, I fucked my girlfriend at Marine South, along the river. We were waving to people on the boats passing by while I fucked her."

I probably didn't do justice to some of the stories, but I was busy trying to remember what everyone was saying and trying to concentrate on the next fella who was telling a story. Had there been a fire, we would have been like boy scouts toasting marshmellows and sharing stories of our first wet dream.

The Phone Survey

Some girl called to do a phone survey on some community stuff. I being ever helpful, agreed to help the poor soul. Plus the fact that her voice was sweet. I ended up sprouting rubbish, giving false information and flirting with her.

Some excerpts from the survey, most of which covered on politics which I know almost nothing about.

She: "so can you name me some government bodies?"
Me: "Like what?"
She: "Like Ministry of Education.."
Me: "Oh.. Ministry of Defense, Ministry of Manpower, Ministry of Sound.."

It took her about a second to register that. She chuckled then proceeded to correct me.

She: "I don't think thats a government body."
Me: "They make tons of money from the public, have poor response services and try to stuff out all competition, sounds very much like a government body to me."


She: "So do you belong to any social groups or community?"
Me: "Alcoholics Annoymous"

She: "So how would you spend your free time?"
Me: "Drinking."
She: "Would you participate in any social groups organised by your constituency?"
Me: "If they have free booze and food, yes."
She: "Errmm ok, so would you be interested in helping out in social work organised by your constituency?"
Me: "whats the pay structure on that?"
She: "ohh, I think you don't get paid to do social work."
Me: "Do I get to drink on the job?"

As much as I was digressing away from the questions and being a total ass, this girl was rather patient and she commended me on my rather "interesting response" (sic)

She: "Do you follow politics?"
Me: "No..."
She: "Do you discuss about politics?"
Me: "No.."
She: "Who would you most likely discuss politics with?"
Me: "I'm 24 going on 25.. my life is all about cars, partying and women, in my world we get laughed at for discussing politics."


She: "Can I have your date of birth?"
Me: " [i tell her]. And whats yours?"
She: "Ermm, I'm the surveyor.."
Me: "The things people say after I give them my time.."
She: "Hahaha, I'm alot younger than you."


She: "What's your yearly income before taxes last year?"
Me: "For last year, its pretty much in the red."
She: "A rough estimate? Or I can write undisclosed."
Me: "Why can't you write in the red?"

She: "What's your combined annual household income."
Me: " over 100k"
She: "Wow, no wonder can always go Ministry of Sound.."
Me: "well, it won't sound as impressive if I told you I have 7 siblings, and both parents all working."
She: "ohh.."

note: In case you don't know me.. I'm kidding on this. I only have a sister.

Me: "Enough about me. So how much do you get paid?"
She: "Huh.. can't say lah.."
Me: "I bet it's damn miserable. Getting low pay for having to talk so much and irritate people."
She: "Was I very irritating?
Me: "You would have been, thankfully you have a very nice voice."
She: "Oh thanks."

She: "Just finishing up, I need to get your personal information."
Me: "My contact number?"
She: "Ermm no, your particulars. Hahaha, but you could give it to me if you want. Just kidding."

She: "Your current profession?"
Me: "Still studying, you can put in Party Addict if you want."
She: "Erm, I'll stick to 'student'. Which school?"
Me: "NUS."
She: "Wow, an undergraduate, Alcoholics Annoymous and loves Ministry of Sound, quite interesting."
Me: "Are you hitting on me?"
She: "Wha... what!??"

To be honest I was cheeky only on some parts of the conversation. Most of the other time I was clueless on some of the stuff she asked. Mostly about my constituency MP and the activities of the community. I know shit about those stuff. I replied, "not interested" and "don't know" for a good number of questions regarding politics. Seriously, but I doubt private housing is very much affected by the activities of MPs, I mean, they can't build lifts for us or anything. So I pretty much don't need them now do I?

Butterfly trash talks, gets the guys worried

We were supposed to go for this party at Pavillion which was apparently very popular. The last I heard, ticket sales went into the thousand. Yes, no kidding, I'm told the place can accomodate 2000 people. Well, my logic was that if a place had 1.5k people, there's bound to be babes. The guys however didn't see it this way. Then we considered pub crawling, but some of them were too tired to commute, given that none of us was driving that night. See, public transport kills the life of any party.

Not driving turns out to be a good excuse to get drunk. We open a bottle at MoS and I tell them that bottles makes getting to know girls alot easier. I tell Lee to tell this girl he wants to drink with her. He gives a list of excuses beginning with, "she's not very hot", then absoultely refused to go talk to her even after losing a game and having to do a forfeit. My friends are cheaters, liars and assholes.

In defense to the girl, I thought she was decently good looking. Not very hot, probably not one that you'll notice had she been standing in a crowd, but decent enough for you to start a conversation with. So if she was not bad then why did I not make a move myself? Well, she's tall, and I don't really dig girls that threaten to put me at a vertical disadvantage. Since she's easily the hottest in her group of girls and that they are standing so close to our table, I exercise my communal spirit.

Me: "My friend here wants to drink with you." [I offer her a drink]
She: "I have my drink... where's your friend's drink?"
Me: [signalling Lee to hold up his drink] "there.."

I'm like a fucking match-maker. She turns out to be quite friendly but at the rate Im downing the liqour, I would have successfully completed a full alcohol blood transplant in under half an hour. Her friends are unfortunately not as hot don't take jokes very well. One had ample boobs and her dance made her bounce ALOT. I stare, say "wah, need sports bra" and she didn't look too pleased. I'm only trying to be of help here, look, if it jiggles when you dance, men are gonna stare anyway.. get used to it.

We drink with a vengeance, I take massive gulps in hope of getting drunk, its been a while. I meet Prissy with her friend who's this really cute girl. Turns out she's a DJ at Phuture. Her stocks definitely just went through the roof. Then all's good, till I become a really big cock magnet. At last count, I have 6 guys coming up to talk to me. Not that they were hitting on me, but because as I point out to the guys, shuffling gets ALOT of attention. The big problem is, I'm pretty high, and they are mostly non-Chinese, which means at the state I'm in, they all looked the same.

Kenn's a goner. He's drinking capabilities are about par with LB, just that he has alot more enthusiasm in confronting alcohol. He falls onto the toilet floor, can hardly stand while pissing and makes very good attempts to know girls. I give him full marks for effort in trying to hook up with this Korean.

Me bump into MissBangs and Ivory, both not too please to see me. Lee complaints about my big blow off on Ivory resulting in a simultaneous cock-block for him and MissBangs. As he puts it.

Lee: "She's not gonna fuck me simply because you fucked her friend up."

Girls are petty, they need to put aside loyalty to friends and do what lust tells you to do.

I say some other mean stuff to a couple of others that night. Mostly because they rubbed off me the wrong way. There's this very tall shank that was with us whom Lee spent alot of his time on.

Me: "I want you seated at all times when I'm talking to you."

Thankfully she's not a freeloader, cos she buys a jug of Sour Apple, which I try skulling. I am shameless when it comes to drinks.

Some girl tugs at my hair while I'm dancing, and goes "nice hair". I smile, then walk off. Not that I'm being rude, but I found nothing I could possibly complement her back on. The best thing I could have said was 'nice voice'. Her friend with her is equalling distracting. Why do I say so? Let me put it in perspective. Her upper body is decent, as in arguably slim, but her lower body told a totally different story. She's a mystical creature, she's a centaur.

Firstly, her calves are hugely thick they have to be classified under thighs. This could be Elephantitis or just too much soccer. It confused me so much I spent half the time trying to find who she had the body transplant with in the club.

By the time we left the place, Im pretty much sober, but there was still enough alcohol in me to be amused by people puking by the side of the roads and for me to stare curbs that trip me frustratingly. Sometimes, I get myself in danger of being killed.

We walk pass the bus stop which had a whole group of young punks squating around. I pass a comment.

Me: "Wah, all waiting for the bus back to Johor?"

Kenn thinks it's pretty hilarious and starts to burst out laughing. I go on taking a jab at them. Its a really silly sight to behold, cos there are seats at the bus stop, but no one is actually smart enough to seat. How much more comfortable can squating be compared to seating? Those damn Ah Bengs have really half a brain sometimes.

Lee however didn't share the hilarity of the situation. He kept dragging me away because they were staring back at us.

Lee: "Shuddup... just shut up and walk.. I don't want to die tonight."

Butterfly gets girl in trouble

People actually have interesting conversations in Singapore. A conversation turned into a discussion on how guys clean up after sex. Which is pretty interesting considering everyone does it differently.

I have a very important lesson to share. Condoms cannot be disposed in toilet bowls. It needs to be wrap sufficiently in toilet paper before being discarded, apparently it floats.. really well.

I hook with this girl at her place. The next morning I get a very rude awakening. My deeds of yesterday have returned to haunt me, consequences work doubly fast these days. I get a call from her.

She: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!?"
Me: "huh..?"
She: "YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON! YOU IDIOT!"
Me: "What... what!?"
She: "What the fuck did you do to the condom?!"
Me: "I flushed it down the toilet.."
She: "Yes you moron! Did it fucking crossed your mind that you HAVE TO FLUSH IT?!"
Me: "Ya... I DID!"
She: "MY MUM DIDN'T SEEM TO THINK SO!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA.. I would have burst out laughing if this happened to someone else, of course the hilarity of it never crossed my mind till much later. I scanned through my half awake mind. Did I flush? Of course I did. I remember dumping some toilet paper over it too. Well, guess it wasn't enough. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes.

Me: "Ohh.. shit"
She: "Yes OH Shit! My mum almost fucking killed me!"
Me: "What did you say?"
She: "I fucked an idiot! What can I say!?"

Apparently she told some story about how the condom was some prop in a prank meant to be played on her friend and she meant to discard it. Yea, if i was her mum, I'd believe her.

Her mum found a pinkish plastic floating in the toilet bowl and went hysterical when she realised it was a condom. I contribute to a small percentage of domestic conflicts.

The Chinese New Year Weekend

LB says Im a party addict, and I think he might actually be right on this. We've been partying since Wed thru to Sunday, resting only on Thurs. To the closet addicts, these are some symptoms.

1) Exorbitant cover charges does not deter you from clubbing.
2) You make references to queue lengths to those at Ministry of Sound.
3) Every other song gets you riled up.
4) Staying home at night gets you depressed.
5) You say things like, "If its boring here, we'll go club somewhere else".

I'll start on Sunday night.

I meet Lee and Mare for reunion coffee. Blaque is too sick to join us. I psycho them to go party after coffee. The words "$2 drinks all night" are the best enticing lines. Lee tells us this hilarious story of how he managed to fuck up the possibility of sex when the girl was half naked and undressing him. Truly remarkable character he is sometimes.

The gist of it. Girl and him heads back home, she tells him she left her phone in his car. They start making out and girl starts to undress him. He says he wants to go take her phone ( I don't understand him sometimes). She specifically tells him that she might not be in the mood when he gets back. He goes anyway and the resultant consequence is the most amazing self-cockblocking stunt EVER. No booty.

LB picks us up and tells us how he turned down a booty call. I don't understand my friends sometimes, but he says its something to do with morals and conscience. Those words are vulgarities in my book so I pay no attention whatsoever. Lee is hysterically confused by LB's decision. Yes, we all make bad decisions in our lives.

For a club giving $2 drinks all night, Chinablack has no queue, which is utterly pathetic. There's more hype at a retirement home. We head to MoS and the following car ride there is a perfect example to quote in the study of male sterotype discourse. Guys don't listen, we just want to talk.

Lee: "Fuck man! I can't believe I fucked it up!"
Me: "I seriously need to shuffle. The music had fucking better be good."
LB: "This is stupid.. Nobody clubs on CNY. Everyone should be gambling.."
Lee: "I need to get lucky.."
Me: "I'd be very pissed if the music sucks.."
LB: "Who the fuck clubs tonight. Im telling you, we should be gambling. Everyone is gambling.."

Three soliloquies in a car. Men are funny creatures. It was like this for 1/3 the journey.

LB and Pappy end up heading off to gamble. Lee and me continue to party without them with another group of friends. Turns out to be a night where consequences catches up with my actions. I end up meeting two girls from my past. First, I bump into Ivory and attempted to give her a handshake to wish her 'happy new year'. In return, she slaps my hand away, comes to hug me and whispers really nasty stuff to me. Something about missing me and how she came back for me. Nasty.. really awful stuff to say.

She ask if I miss her. I say the first honest thing that comes to me, and tell her that she's messing my hair up with her arms around my neck. She gets pissed for some reason. Women are weird, they keep making it seem like I'm insensitive and say rude stuff all the time. Whatever.

Ivory: "So I can't come to your place later?"
Me: "Better not.."

I will not sleep with anyone that has gone psycho on me before. I have too many sharp objects within arms reach near my bed. I make a quick mental evaluation on sleeping with her again.

- getting laid tonight. Yes.
- getting presents and free meals in future. Yes.
- getting stabbed, strangled, smothered. Pass.

The other girl I bump into has plus points hanging with her cos tons of guys buy drinks for her and I get to sponge off her. I've said it tons of times, I'm a slut for free booze. This is absolutely perfect. Drinking off from other men. Its almost just like having an affair with their girlfriends.. they do all the work and we eat their fruits of labour. This is so wrong.

The only socializing I do is with this girl who tells me she loves the way I shuffle. We end up talking and her introducing me to her extended family.. I'm serious.

Sunday: PAUL VAN DYK @ Zouk

Tons of booze for the night, we have probably 1 million jugs. Big group- LB, Pappy, Eugg, Lee, TB, Redbug, BlackGirl (from the MoS escapades), and some others. First sign of me enjoying the night...

BlackGirl: "So are you guys gonna be at Pewture or Zouk?" ( I'm typing it as how she pronounces it)

Not that I've not heard it mis-pronounced before, but we never pass off a chance to continuous rightly pronounce it for the poor soul to self correct. We do it subtly, by randomly saying "Phuture" (pronounced Future) at least 50 times over the next 10 sentences.

Good crowd, great music.